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I ran as fast as I could, without looking back. Into the woods without my shoes, feeling the cold burning snow on my feet. Feeling the sticks and stones barried beneath the snow. I ran as far as I could falling, but getting up each time. I dont know how long I ran for but it tired me. I callapsed next to a tree and cried with my face in the snow, then sitting up with snow on my face. I wiped the snow from my face. Then barried my face into my knees. I kept crying, and crying, trying to talk out loud making no sense and speaking to no one.

The moon light refelected off the ground lighting the forrest allowing me to see a little into the distance, into balckness, that engulped me from far away. I knew they wouldnt find me in time, if any one was looking for me. It was going to be quicker than I had planed because, I didnt have his jacket like I planed. The one he gave me, when dad spent the money on beer. He found the jacket in a old box in the gargage before he left. He told me it was bigger than me but it was good so I could use it next year if I needed to. At first I didnt want to wear it, it was old, and smelled, then when he said "Looks nice on you..." he always had a way to make me agree with him. I wore it to school, the park, sotre, any where, I began to love it. Maybe cause he gave it to me not cause I thought it looked nice on me.

I sat in the snow, cold, becoming wet cause it was melting. I had not began to shiver, or didnt notice it cause I was still crying. I could hear my dads words still ringing in my ears "At least I can walk down a flight of stairs." I could still smell the alchol on his breath. It seemed to be happining so fast, to fast. In a way I was happy it was going quickly, it was almost over. All of it.

A breeze of wind galed across the forsest pushing loose snow onto my body and giving me the shivers, I could only hope that he had not got this wind, better would be if he didnt feel anyhing. It felt like it was taking my skin from the bones, cutting into my body. Cold, it was cold.

We had both been cold together one time, before everything. Our dad didnt pay any of the bills, the gas went out and electricity. We huddled in his room, cause it was the hotest room, and his bed and blankets were big enough for the both of us. It was still cold but it got us by. When he was able to find a couple foot warmers, we were able to become warm enough to be bored. Thats when he pulled out a deck of cards, thats when are tradition thing started, and what... Because we were bored.

I could feel a small sense of warmness, all over, it came from inside me, when thinking about playing speed with him. I liked that feeling, I always wanted to have it, but when ever it came, that feeling, it left and I became sadder than before.

It began snowing and I only got colder. I sat there still. Thinking about him. I cried quietly, as I did. The tears rolled down my cheecks which burned gentaly. The tip of my nose was second. The slight wind, made it burn more. This burn though was nothing compared to the one our dad gave me a while ago.

It happened when my brother was with his friend doing something. I was at home alone, watching tv. It was spring break so they had a whole bunch of cartoon marathons. When my brother was gone thats what I did, was watch tv. It was quiet and kept me out of trouble.

My dad came home and honked the horn. I sat there not knowing if it was for me or if he was drunk. Then he honked several more times and I knew it was for me. I quickly got up and ran to the garage and opened the door. My dad was there holding a case with the trunk open and a cigaret in his mouth. When I looked at the case closely it was beer, alot of it, and in the trunk was more. He had already began to drink it. He slured while he told me to open the frige. He was a little angry so I hurried.

I opened the door and when I did a few cans of beer fell out and onto the floor, I could hear my dad murmer madly, so I quickly picked them up and got out of the way. "Sorry dad" I said to him. He put the case on the top rack and pushed it to the back of the frige. I to put the cans of beer I had in my hands back in the fridge, but my dad took one. When doing it he made fun of me wich was common. "You know your mom made mistakes, thats why you were born." He laughed, I didnt get it. Just that he was making fun of my mom and I hated when he did that. I hoped something would happen to him for revenge and it did. He opened the can he had, and it sprayed all over him. He swore while he shook off the beer on his hands and wiped his face. I lauged at him quietly, which he caught.

"Think your funny get the rest of the beer out of the trunk." He said angerly. He turned to pick up a rag on his workbench and dry himself up with it. I grabed one of the case of beer and tried to pick it up, but it was heavier because it was filled with glass bottles. They clanked as I tried to pick them up. I strained to hold them, my dad then told me to hold them while he grabed a beer. He tore the box open and took one out. I then tried to hurry to the frige but my left hand lost grip and I dropped the case and almost all the beer that was in the box feel out and borke on the ground. I stood there not knowing what to do. My dad turned to see me looking at the ground, and I knew it. I looked up at him and knew that I was in trouble.

"Im sorry" but he didnt listen... He never does. He grabbed me by the hair and I knew he was going to slap me, or I thought he was so I put my arms up and over my face. Saying sorry over again. Hopping he would stop. He then took the cigaret and began to burn me with it. It hurt really bad. I got tried to get loose but couldnt. When he stoped with the cigaret he let go and slapped me hard that it made me stumble as I ran away. He just kept yelling at me.

Crying I ran up the stair and to my room where I locked the door and jumped on my bed close to the wall. I didnt want to look at my arm but did. The circles were white and ashy, i could see half circles were the cigaret began to burn out. I cried holding my fore arm out with my palm in the air hopping some how it would cool down and go away.

I stayed there crying and scared until my brother came home. He knocked on my door and I wimpered scared. I dont know why I didnt open the door for him, but I didnt. Instead he slid his library card and poped open the door. He saw me on the bed and knew something was wrong. He then sat beside me and asked.

Almost roboticly I turned my arm over and showed him, then cried. I could still feel his arm when it was thrown around me and when he pulled me in. He took my hand in his and asked me questions. Ones like when it happened, and why. I told him everything. He was angry, I could tell but I felt safe with him.

"It hurts really bad." I said. He took his water bottle and put it over the wound making it feel a little better.

"Dont worry It'll get better." He told me. I asked him how he knew and if he was sure, he just pulled up his sleve and showed me a few fadded circles. "It stops hurting after a while, and you dont even notice it. Okay?" I shook my head yes. "It all gets better after a while." He told me. I asked him "everything?" he said yes.

The cold gave a burning feeling, almost like a cutting. I looked at my hands, and wiped some snow off them, as I did my shoulder but the water from the snow remained frozen to my skin cooling me more.

It had never been that quite or that dark for me. The woods were quiet, all the animals were sleeping. I was the only thing awake.

I just sat there while the burning on my hand continued. I dont know what I was trying to do, sitting there looking into the woods. Like trying to do look for something, but all I could see was a tree infront of me then just black, with some snow glowing. Patches here and there. It kind of looked like big stars.

I had spent one time looking out the window. In my brothers room. I looked at the woods when it was dark out, then when the clouds went away I looked at the stars. Dad was down stairs drinking again. Yelling at the tv, but I just looked at the stars with a deck of cards in my hand. They were my brothers. I just held them. I dont know why but I felt... like happy, ok.

My brother came in letting some light in. I didnt turn though, I still just sat there looking out the window, with that feeling. He put some stuff down, and kicked his shoes off. Then he let out a sigh. I just kept looking out the window. "What ya doing?" he asked me nicely. I told him just looking. I must of sounded sad cause he asked if I was ok. I didnt turn to him, but told him yeah. He sat next to me, in the moon light. He called me. I turned my head slightly, but kept my eyes out the window. "you okay bud." I said yes. He always called me bud. My little buddy he would call me that. He turned my head more and I looked at him. "You sure?" I shook my head yeah, then I said it. He gave me a look like he wasnt sure. "What ya doing?" I told him just looking. "Yeah?" he said. I said yeah back. "You like it?"

"What?" I asked.

" The sky."

"It's nice I guess." We sat there for a long time just looking out at the window. He had his arm around me, and we just sat there quite until he started to talk to me.

"you know some of the stars make things, like the big dipper over there or, orions belt over there. Then theres my favorit, ursa major and ursa minor. Big bear and little bear." He said pointing each one out.
"Why are they your favorite?" I asked. He told me without stoping.

"Because it reminds me of us. Im big bear and your little bear." He said. He liked them because of us...

I felt better, more better than before. "Me too." I said. "I like them to." Then he saw I had the cards in my hand, and took them gently.


"What ya doing with these?" He asked opening them and pulling them out.

"Nothing" I said. He asked if I wanted to play and we did. Both of us laying on our sides, in the moon light playing speed. This one of the very few times we spent together happy.

Then the wind blew and I stoped thinking about that memory. It was cold, real cold. The wind didnt stop for a long time. I began to shiver again. I dont know why but I cant remeber when it stoped, just knowing it did. I also found that my legs and waist were covered in snow. Burried. It didnt burn though. I didnt feel a thing, at all. No cold, no warm, no pain. I didnt even feel it when my nose bled. A red pool form on the snow that covered me.

The last time I saw blood was on my brother. He came into his room with a bloody lip, I was in there, under his blankets. Dad was yelling something... bad. I stared at him and he looked mad, and sad. Like he was about to cry. I never had seen him like this. It scared me when he droped to the ground and started to cry. He never cried before. I went to him and sat next to him. I just put a hand on him and he hit it away. I was more scared.

He cried, more. I didnt know what to do. My stomach hurt.

"I'm leaving" he said softly. He sniffed and wiped his tears away. "I'm leaving." My stomach hurt more. I thought he meant like to work, or something.

"When will you be back?" I asked. He cried more.

"Im not." He said. My stomach hurt more. "I'm leaving and not comming back."

"You cant leave." I said. He just told me he was. I felt sick. "You cant leave. You have to play cards with me." I said. The cards made me feel better. Not him though.

"Im leaving... I cant... Im leaving." He said. I felt worse so I left the room quickly.

Later when I was in my room he came in. I laid there uncomfortable. He had stoped crying. I had begun. I didnt make a sound but I wascrying, and I was facing the wall and didnt look at him, even when he talked. I tried to pretend to be asleep but he knew. He had kneeled down beside my bed. He rubed my head as he said my name, over and over again. I just pretened to be asleep.

"I know your mad," he said. I tried to ignore him. "I cant stay here anymore. Its getting worse and I'm getting mad. When dad hurts you or me I get real mad, and want to hurt him back. I dont want to do that, cause then I'll never see you again." I turned to him.

"If you leave you wont see me anymore." I said trying to get him to change his mind.

"Yeah I will bud. I'll pick you up for school, and I'll bring you home." He said. I didnt want him to leave. I wanted him home. "If I stay, I'll hurt him... real bad. More then he's ever done to us." I didnt understand what he meant... I should of just let him go.

"Yeah but If you leave we wont get to play cards anymore." I told him. Hopping he would change his mind. "Thats like the thing we get to do all the time and if you leave we wont get to do it any more." I said trying to be clear enough holding back some cries.

"I'll come every night and play a game with you before bed. Then you can sleep in my room and we'll look out the window. Just when you fall asleep, then in the morning I'll come back and take you to school. Okay?" I didnt want to agree to it but I did. He huged me and kissed me.

The tear fell into the red pool of blood and froze quickly. Then one more tear fell, and I noticed it. Thats when I really just... I just got upset.

He had kept his promise like he said he would. He came over in the morning and took me to school and brought me home. Then when winter break came up, he didnt come in the morning. He still came to play cards with me though. Every night. I waited by the back door at 9:30 then he would sneek upstairs with me and we would play for a while. Till I got tired; then he would put me in his bed and we would looke out the window. He would then leave when I was asleep and I would wake up alone.

I hated to be alone on christmas break. I was stuck at home with dad, who just kept drinking and drinking. Some times he tried to hit me but sometimes he was to drunk to do it, and I would get away. I would run to my room and usually he would leave me alone.

I wouldnt tell my borther though because I just felt he would get more mad and not come around at all. I just told him that I was bored and wish he would stay a little more. He said he maybe he would. Thats when he told me that he would spend christmas eve and Christmas day with me. It had been a few weeks since he had stayed, and I really missed him. He told me "I'm comming I promise."

That week though there was a huge storm and my brother didnt come over at all. He called and I talked to him. I would talk to him until I would fall asleep. One day though dad got drunk, and ran out of beer. He always got real mad when he ran out of beer. That day he chased me around the house, slapping me and hitting me. He kept getting mad saying that he would still have beer if I had not dropped it all which happened a long time ago. "Now I got to wait till after christmas to go get more." I would have to deal with this for two more days. I kept thinking that if my brother was there then we could be upstairs playing cards and dad would leave us alone. He was suppose to be here by now but wasnt.

I waited all day, avoiding dad the whole time. It was easier after he fell asllep in his room. The phone rang, and I jumped for it. It was my brother. The phone wasnt working right cause of the storm. "Hello?" he said. I answered happily. He was going to tell me he was comming and to wait for him, then dad would leave me alone. "Bud, hey bud, I cant come over today because of the storm." He told me. I... I got angry. Real angry cause he told me he was comming, he had told me he promised, and that it would get better. Now he was telling me he wasnt comming. He lied. Nothing was getting better. He lied, and I let him know.

"You lied! You said you come now your not! You lied to me!" I yelled into the phone.

"Bud... Im" I didnt let him finish. I yelled at him. Then just hung up. I just hung up on him. Like he was nothing. I... I went to bed that night mad at him. Hating him like I hated dad. I didnt expect him to come the next day, on christmas. I just sat in my room all day. He didnt even call. That made me more mad, then upset. I cried that night.

He didnt call at all the following week. Then one day, a cop came over. Dad was out getting beer. The cop came in and sat me down at the couch. "Is your dad home?" he asked. I told him no. "Is anyone else here?" I said no. "Your mommy?" I told him I didnt have one. He just looked at me. He looked uneasy. Then he mentioned my brother. "When's the last time you talked to him?"

"Christmas Eve he was suppose to come but he didnt." I said. There was a little anger in my words but mainly disappointment. "Why?" I asked.

The cop took a deep breath then spoke. "Your borther died." He siad. I felt light headed. That stomach feeling came back.

My throat hurt making me squeeked when I talked. "What?"

"Your brother died." He told me again.

"How?" I asked. I could taste the salt in my tears when they rolled down my face and onto my lips, then into my mouth.

"He slipped on some ice and fell down the flight of staires at his appartment builiding. One of the maintnince workers found him buried in the snow. He had hit his head, and borken a leg," The cop said with remorse. I cried. "He had this." The cop said as he put a box on the table. On it it said to me from my brother. I couldnt help but to cry. The cop stayed with me till my dad came home.

My tears kept falling into the snow melting it. I couldnt help but to think of my brother laying in the snow freezing to death. They told me he was dead when he fell but I just couldnt help but to feel he was still alive. It was my fault too. If I would of just not yelled at him he wouldnt of came out that night. He would still be alive, he wouldnt of died.

I pulled my hair kicked my feet in the snow, it flew every where. I slammed my head against the tree, many times, I punched my legs. Making me hurt. I deserved to hurt. I deserved to suffer. I felt that I was the reason that my brother died. I kept slamming my head. Hitting myself. Then I stoped. I was breathing hard, and my head pounded, I looked at my hands and they looked hurt but I couldnt fee them.

I was finally going to die. I felt that I didnt desrve to live.

I felt tired. Looking into the blackness of the forest, I thought of my brother. Thats all I did, as I fell into blackness to. My eyes shut, I was finaly dying. I was a little happy to die. If my brother still loved me I knew I would be with him. "Then I woke up and you were next to me Grandma in the hospitable." I said to her. She held me close to her while she sat next to me on her couch in her house. She listened to me as I told her everything. Even though it took a year, and she just asked me if I had ever sleded down the hill a few blocks from her house.

"You loved him." She said. "and he knew it." She told me. It made me feel better. Hearing it from her. It always did. Chrismas day I opened the box. I was a pack of playing cards with the constilation ursa minor on some and ursa major. I cried that day again.