Sorry

Sorry!

William knew he had done wrong. The scowl on his mum’s face told him so. That was the thing between William and his mum. She didn’t have to say a word, it was all in ‘The Look’. William used to go to bed on a daily basis counting the number of times he had had that look. Not sheep like normal kids. Mainly, it was because William couldn’t. Everything that went wrong in the house was William’s fault. It wasn’t, not all the time. Fair enough, he was a normal ten year old kid, learning, cheeky, testing the boundaries and growing up.

Unfortunately he was learning from his mum’s way, which being an alcoholic for the past twelve years, was not the best peer for him to look up to. The cheeky side to him was his attempt, maybe a sad one, of making his days more enjoyable. Testing the boundaries, he was absolutely sick of this life. Having to be the parent in the house. Changing his mums bedding in a morning and putting it in the washer, ready to put back on the bed in the evening. Nobody understood his life, nobody knew about his life and those that did, didn’t care. Growing up, realising just how much he was looking after his mum and that this was not normal. Surely it should be the other way around. His mum should be looking after him.

William’s daily routine was to get up at 6.30am, have a wash and get dressed into his school uniform. Not pressed, he hadn’t worked out how to iron yet. He had far too much more to do. While pottering around in his bedroom, he would put his school books out on the bed. Check through them to make sure he had done all the homework requirements. Being in his last year at Primary School, it was important he did well. He wanted to be an English Teacher when he left school and he understood that if he didn’t take his schoolwork seriously, no one would take him seriously.

Making his way carefully across the landing he would, quietly open his mums bedroom door and just sneak his face around it. Only enough to check his mum was in bed and asleep. Usual thing, laid on the bed, still dressed and again, it looks like she has wet herself. Just the usual thing for William. Such an awful situation for a boy of his age but no one knew of his plight.

How could he tell anyone that his mum had a major drinking problem, to the point she didn’t even know who he was? That was one of the main questions swimming in his mind, swimming there for over four years. Who would he tell? The one time he tried telling someone, he tried telling the nice elderly lady who lived next door to them. She didn’t have much to say on the subject, only that she had seen William’s mum out and about with a couple of friends and she seemed ok, laughing and shopping, joking and walking through town. William knew he wouldn’t be taken seriously. He had a really strong feeling he would get laughed at. It wasn’t that the elderly lady was laughing at William, she just could not believe what William was saying. People don’t always believe things unless they see it with their own eyes. Nor do people see what goes on behind closed doors.

This is where William’s routine would start, the part other kids didn’t have to do. This was what stopped him from having friends, what also allowed the bullies free reign. Once he was downstairs, William would make sure the living room was tidy. To be tidy it had to be clear of all the empty cans that his mum and her ’friends’ had consumed in the early hours when they had decided to come home. Every night it would be different friends, eventually they would go, sometimes. Leaving all their empties behind, for William to clear up. On a bad day, there would also be drug paraphernalia all over the place. The empty syringes, foil, little plastic bags and empty tablet containers.

William, being as intelligent as he was, knew you could not just throw this kind of thing into a refuge bin. The cans and bottles were ok. For them, he would get a black bag. Carefully throw them in one by one, being careful not to wake his mum. That would be the beginning of his daily nightmare. Anytime William did something that upset or disturbed his mum, he would be shouted at, really loudly and sometimes she would hit him. Not with her hand, not where it could be seen. In that respect she was clever. Why could she not be so clever and just stop the drinking and drugs. Get some real friends and a proper lifestyle. So her and William could have a normal life.

After collecting all the bottles and cans, it was time to collect anything else that should not have been in that room. Luckily, his mum had had a bad day and that was all there was. No drug evidence to remove today.

Time to take the black bag outside to the rubbish bin and get rid of such a poisonous thing. He was never going to be like his mum. He had already made his decision that he was going to be an English teacher after leaving school. William knew it would take a lot of hard work and commitment. Something he was more than prepared to do, if it meant he would not be like his mum.

When he returned to the kitchen after removing the rubbish, he went over to the kettle, filled it with cold water and placed it back on the side. Flicked the switch and prepared his breakfast, while waiting for it to boil. Taking a bowl out of the cupboard and placing it on the worktop, then walking over to the food cupboard. He took out the box of his cereal and poured it into his bowl. Placing the box back into the cupboard and opening the fridge door in order to get the milk to pour onto his yummy cornflakes. As he got a teaspoon out of the drawer, he also got a dessertspoon to eat his cornflakes with. Placing the dessertspoon carefully into his bowl, he took hold of the teaspoon and reached for the sugar jar. Two sugars into his cup followed by a tea bag from the canister. Click, the switch from the kettle finally popped. Just in time, to sit down and enjoy his breakfast before he started his chores. Picking up the kettle, he prepared himself for pouring the boiling water into his cup. Giving it a minute or two to soak through the teabag. William took his bowl over to the table and placed it down strategically. Walking back over to the side, he picked up the spoon and scooped out the teabag, throwing it into the rubbish bag on the sink side. Pouring milk into the cup to finally finish his cup of tea off, and after taking the bottle of milk back to the fridge.

He sat down at the table and made this few minutes about him and him alone. As, not long after he has enjoyed his breakfast is he washing the pots, sweeping the kitchen and room, going upstairs to wake his mum, changing her bedding and putting the wet bedding into the washer.  All jobs his mum is incapable of and all things that have to be done before he leaves for school at 8.40am. Luckily he lives quite close to the school and does not have far to run.

He does not mind running to school as no one talks to him anyway. Running gives him an excuse not to stop. He wants , he needs to change his life so badly. Today is the last day he is going to baby his mum. Something had snapped in William this morning that had not been there before, but what was it. Was this part of growing up? Or had he just had enough? Only William really knew.

But still, he had the question in his mind, Who could he talk to? Who would be there for him?

He had no family, his mum’s family had disowned her a long time before William was born. That was due to her drinking problem. Making her steal to feed her habit, including from her family and their friends. She was not bothered where the items to sell would come from as long as somehow she got the money she needed for what she needed. It got to the point eventually where she thought, why steal from people she knew, when she could steal from big shops, they could afford to spare a few items for her to sell on. That was her way of thinking and it got her through her days.

When William arrived at school on this particular morning, not only was it cold and raining. There was a police truck and car parked in the staff car park. What had happened? Police only came to school when something was wrong. Maybe it would be mentioned in assembly.

It was mentioned in assembly, but it was nothing exciting. The police were there to give talks to individual classes throughout the week. Working their way through the school, the police officers would spend a morning or afternoon with each class. Speaking about the amount of crime in society and the addictive habits that it could be easy to be talked into trying. The ones, where once you had tried, it was tricky to give up and it just led to a downward spiral. Addiction. William knew all about this, what it is, how it affects families and what it does to people, how it ruins them. All this was normal living for William.  Thinking about it, maybe he could tell the police officers a thing or two.

That was it. Surely if he could pluck up the courage and speak to the police, when no one else was around. They would help. That is what police are for. To serve the community. He knew that from the adverts he had seen in magazines.

When he checked the list to find out when the police would be in his class. He found out that it would be tomorrow morning. He could not wait that long. That meant clearing up again. That meant more of those looks from his mum. More friends in the house all night while he was trying to concentrate on his homework. He would go to his room and stay there until the morning.  He could not do that for another night. He had made a decision, last night was the last night.

So he waited, outside the school, behind a bush in the corner of the car park. Watching for the police to come out of the school entrance. Then he would run and ask for help. Help! That was all he needed. He needed somebody to believe him and be willing to help him.
After waiting for a while, he saw the flourescent jackets of the officers coming through the double doors. This was it. This was what he had been waiting for. The help was finally here.

Running as fast as his legs could take him, he sped across the car park shouting all the time, “Help me, Help me, Help me, you can and you have to help me, please”

Both the officers looked round with concern across their faces.

The youngest officer looked straight at William and put his arms out for him to run into. “What on earth is it, young man!”, “What has got you so worked up”

William panicked, he had got this far and was stuck for what to say. How do you say that your mum has multiple friends, a drinking problem, steals to feed habits, occasionally takes drugs and beats her son now and then. Not to mention, that a ten year old boy is actually the adult in the house. Where exactly was he supposed to start.

“My mum is dead”, He didn’t say that, no he did not say that. How could he say that, he knew it was not true. It got their attention though, that was what he wanted.

“Dead, what do you mean dead? Where is she, son?” The younger officer enquired.

Harsh as this may seem, the last time William had tried talking to someone, they had not believed him. They had shrugged him off as being a young lad with an overactive imagination. Being an only child, it was probably presumed he was lacking in excitement. But couldn’t he get it from watching the TV like other kids. Maybe, if they had a TV. Something else his mum sold for her enjoyment.

Now he had got the police officers attention, he had to keep it. Which at the minute was not too difficult. He knew that, with what he had told them. It was the kind of thing they could not just walk away from, not without at least checking it out.

“OK, what makes you think your mum is dead?” said the officer, with the numbers 6753 on his epaulettes.

“When I left the house this morning, she was laid in bed. I normally wake her before I leave for school. I…I’m not going to get into trouble, am I? asked William meekly.

“I’m pretty sure that you won’t. In fact, no, no you won’t! I promise you that. Now, lets see if we can sort this story out.”

The other officer, PC 4972, stayed very quiet and William could tell he was just observing and taking notes. As William watched him writing in his little black note book, he started to doubt that they believed him. If he told them the truth, their interest and concern would be lost.

“Normally, when I wake my mum up, She is too drunk to get out of bed. You see, her and her friends get drunk most nights. When her friends go home, mum just falls onto her bed. I’m not even sure how she gets upstairs to bed.”

Office 6753 interrupted, “Maybe one of her friends takes her before they go home.”

William had thought of this before, but it was a thought he didn’t particularly want to hold onto. No one else should go into his mum’s bedroom other than him and his mum. He only went in to look after her.

William looked at the officer in disgust for even suggesting such a thing, “No, it’s my mum’s room. Only me and her are allowed in there. That is her private space.”

“Yeah, you are right. I’m sorry for saying that. I should keep my mouth shut sometimes.” The officer said calmly, not wanting to panic or upset William.

“What happened this morning, that makes you think your mum is dead?”

“When I tried to wake her, she didn’t move. She just laid there. There was no blood or anything and she didn’t look hurt. But she looked cold. Her lips were cold, so I covered her up with the blanket. I think she has had too much to drink. But she has done that before and her lips have never been blue before.”

“Ok, son, try and calm yourself down. Obviously you know we have to believe what you are saying. That doesn’t mean we are calling you a liar. Far from it. We believe you, but we have to check it out. If we put you in the patrol car, would you take us to your house and show us where your mum is.” Officer 6753 asked him with concern and sympathy in his voice.

“Yeah, I live at 87 Millington Road.” William informed the officers.

“OK, you jump in the back and take a deep breath ready for when we get there. This could be quite difficult for you, son.”

As they drove through the streets of Healmston, a small town not far from the coast. William started to think about what he had said. He had lied. Not only had he lied. He had lied to the police. That was wrong and he knew that, but he needed help and he needed to get someone’s attention, so he could get that help. Surely, they would understand that, when they found out the truth. Wouldn’t they?

Turning the last corner onto Millington Road, William took the last deep breath, he had time for. This was it. Time for the truth to come out. Time for William’s mouth to run away with him. Now that he had managed to get the help here. Now they had come this far, he could not lose them.

“She is not dead, not yet. I mean…One day, she will be, if she carries on. She drinks all day and night, she steals and sells things for money for her drink. She does nothing at home and I look after her. I have to feed her and change her bedding. I have to tidy the house and throw all her rubbish in the bin.”

“Slow down, you mean, you have brought us here under false pretences?” Officer 6753 said very sternly.

“No, Yes, No, erm I’m not sure. That depends what it means.”

“Basically, it means you have lied to us.”

“Yes, only a bit. My mum drinks all the time and has drugs with people that she doesn’t know, but she invites them into our house. I have to do the housework and cook the food, because she cannot do it. She struggles to crawl upstairs to bed at night. I throw the needles and cans and things in the bin in the morning for the bin men to take away. I wrap the needles inside newspapers, so they do not know they are there. She beats me when something goes wrong. If she runs out of her pop, I get beat. She uses a bottle across my back. Once or twice the bottle has broken and I have bled on my bedclothes until the cut has dried up.”

William was hysterical by this point, he had finally found someone to listen and they were listening. He was shaking, crying, scared and relieved all at the same time. It was very strange feeling all these emotions at the same time. The biggest emotion he was feeling, was relief.

“Ok, son. Here is what we will do. We drop you off and you go into the house as normal. We will turn the car round and park across the road. Inconspicuously, so nobody thinks anything about it. Basically they will just think it is a routine patrol. OK, so far?” Officer 6753 really believed William. William’s body language had actually spoke more than the words that had left his mouth.

“Yes, yes I think so.” William whispered to the officers.

“Right, you go into the house as normal, and do everything you normally would. Stick to the usual routine. We will radio through to our head office and ask for back up. The back up that will come, will be Social Service Officers. Probably two, very nice caring and understanding people. They will be willing to listen to you and help you more than I can. Believe me, I want to help you, but I can only do so much. For me to take you away, I would have to arrest you and I can’t if you haven’t done anything wrong. Still following me?”

“I am Sir, I am listening to everything you are saying and thank you for believing me, nobody has before and I didn’t think you would. That was why I lied. I’m sorry. I know it was wrong, but you had to help me. You had to.” William was now quite calm and collected.

“Right, when the officers arrive. We will come across to your house and knock on the door. Hopefully your mum will answer the door. If not, will you be able to answer it?”

“Yes Sir, yes I will.”

“Good, then we will confront your mum and follow procedure from there” The officer sighed, “Please, don’t be scared. We will work this out for you.”

William opened the patrol car door and slowly climbed out. Closing the door behind him, he took another deep breath and started walking towards his house. Breathing deeply all the way up the path, he was trying to act normal, like the officer had told him.

“Deep breaths, It’s nearly over, deep breaths” He kept telling himself in his mind. Talking himself into a calm state of mind. He had to do this. He could not give his mum the slightest hint that anything was different today.

As he opened the front door, the usual sound of laughter, singing, swearing hit his young ears. The curtains in the living room were always drawn, purposefully, so people could not see in and see the antics that were taking place in there. Antics that a boy of ten should not have bore witness to. Antics that William had long since been closing his eyes and ears to. He didn’t want to know anymore. He hadn’t for a long time.

While the noise and hustle and bustle carried on downstairs, William concentrated on his homework. Even if he didn’t have any that the school had set, he would set his own and take into school the day after. It gave him the excuse every night to go to his room and be there for hours. Until it was time to go to bed usually.

Half an hour into his homework, he heard a knock at the front door.

Was this is? Had they come, like the officer had promised?

William listened intently, waiting to see if his mum opened the door. Surprise, surprise. Something else that was left up to William to do. William crept downstairs, so as not to let his mum and her friends know he was on his way downstairs.

Very carefully he turned the door handle, not to make any squeaks or bangs. He slowly opened the door. Standing there as promised, were the two officers and two gentlemen in normal clothes.

“Hello, are you ok” The gentleman on the left asked.

William looked at all of them, pointed towards the living room door, ran through the front door into PC6753’s arms and burst into tears. The officers walked into the living room and saw a room full of drunks. It was obvious which was William’s mum. She was the only woman in the room. The officers walked over to her and with quite a struggle put her in cuffs. Arrested her for wilful neglect, being drunk and disorderly and possessing class ‘A’ drugs.

William was outside the house, in tears, apologising for lying to one of the gentlemen. He had told William, his name was Geoff. Introducing himself was not only polite, it was a good way to help William relax.

“I am so sorry for lying to you, but I needed you to believe me. I could not look after her any longer. It was getting too hard.”

Geoff told William that in this case, they would forget about the lying. He also told him that he had been very brave to do what he had done. That he could not understand how William had carried on like this for so long. William explained that it was how he was brought up, he knew no other way. To him it was normal home life.

“I am sorry, this is not an experience you should have had. Every young child deserves to be brought up in a healthy environment. This is far from healthy. I am so sorry, the system did not learn about you before now.” Geoff said with sincerity and love in his voice.

The police came out of the house, with William’s mum in cuffs. Holding her head down and not looking at anybody. She needed to be more than ashamed. William could not think of how his mother should be thinking.

As she walked passed him to get to the police car, she looked straight at William. Not a single emotion in her face. All he could see in her was the drink and drugs. When he looked at her, straight in the eyes. For just that moment he was hoping she would say sorry. Could she honestly not see that, really, she was the only person that needed to say SORRY!.