unsure of title

Sitting around the circle are the things, well I guess you can call them people, I call my "friends". My name is Alaric and  to most I seem like a follower the truth happens to be that i don't care. They pass around the little green man inhaling its earthy goodness. Then it is my turn to inhale the magical smoke that fogs up my brain and wraps me up in its warm numbness. Helping me drift away from these creatures with their single minded thoughts and petty arguments. I pass the joint along as I hold that precious smoke in my lungs. Reveling in the sensation, I don’t breathe. My vision begins to slowly fade out when I feel an elbow in my ribs. My “friend” Hazel was informing me it’s my turn again. I exhale releasing the smokey serpent from my lungs, getting applause for my shot. I hit the joint again taking myself further away and loving it.

The whole purpose of getting everyone in a circle was to play a game. We didn’t give it a name, it wasn’t really necessary, we all knew what lets all get in a circle meant. It meant sitting around with your “friends” passing a joint, getting as high as you can before passing out. It usually ends up with me and my gay lover Sasha. He’s a gay guy I’m a gay girl it’s an inside joke that most people don’t get. We wait till everyone else passes out  to sneak to the old abandoned roofs that scream climb me. We sit and talk about how one day we want to escape. Not only the city, but humanity itself. Basically we want to be hermits in the woods. Sasha and I built a shack in the woods behind my house last summer. We call it our little “hideaway”. Most of our “friends” took that as code for a place to fool around. If only they would realize we’re gay and simply find comfort in one another.

My childhood traumas help Sasha remember he’s not alone and that it wasn’t his fault. We both have a horror story of a molestation memory from our childhood that pushed away from the norm.  Having Sasha around is nice, the yin to my yang, he keeps me stable. I trust him fully with anything, but something is changing. Sasha seems so far away, he told me he had a new lover but that was all the details he would give. Maybe something happened between the two of them. This was one boundary he refused to let me cross, so I didn’t push him. I watch his face as it slowly begins to crack right before my eyes. He’s falling apart, blaming me for his loss. Instead of embracing whatever it is we have he threw my heart on the floor and stomped on it. He broke me that night and I couldn’t bear to be around him so I left him a sopping mess on the floor of his bedroom. Walking out of the house with no sound, no thoughts just tunnel vision to the shack. Once inside the safety of those thin walls I weep for the loss of a part of me.

The sun scatters its warm light through the gaps in the wood. I can feel the warmth on my cheeks and awake feeling happy. Unfortunately it only takes a few seconds for the memories of the night before to come rushing back to my brain. I stand up stretching, getting ready to head home with this ache in my chest. Once outside the shack I head back towards my house picking wildflowers along the way. My mother is standing by the back door when I finally get home. I breeze past her as usual, going to the kitchen to prepare the flowers, she follows with a sad and worried look on her face. It was odd for my mother to even pretend to care. It was at that moment I realized what happened, she put my fear into words “I’m sorry Alaric he’s gone.”

The glass vase I had just filled with wildflowers falls to the floor. I can feel the ache spread throughout my body. No sound, no tears, only silent pain as I walk to my bedroom ignoring my mother’s attempt at comfort locking the door behind me without a word. My world is shattered there is no one left who gets it. If this is how it’s going to feel everyday I should leave a goodbye and be on my way. I write a letter, leaving it in a blank black envelope. Now all that’s left is leaving, I slip out my window and head for the water tower. Sasha and I had many long talks and warm and embraces up there. I climb to the top, thinking of Sasha, how quickly people slip away, and how things go left unsaid. At least someone will know I cared and wasn’t gone. Once I reach the top I climb over the railing letting my bare feet dangle over the edge, thinking of  Sasha. I let go and fall feeling warm and free, until everything goes dark.

My mother eventually unlocks my bedroom door, she finds the letter and begins to read it aloud.

Sasha,
         You are the only true friend I’ve ever had. Most people see us as  a bunch of punk teens who get high and trespass on abandoned roofs at odd hours. The truth is we’re just two hurt kids in a big scary world. Yeah, we’ve had it rough, being molested when we were young, parents who don’t care, and “friends” who don’t really know us. We never asked for any of this, but we had each other. I wasn’t expecting to fall for you, and I’m pretty sure you weren’t either, but I’m not ashamed to admit that I love you. Sasha you’re my everything, without you I’ll be lost, a shell of the girl I used to be, wandering the earth with no purpose. I refuse to live that way. This letter is not a goodbye…
                                                                      It’s more of a hello,
                                                                                          Alaric