You're Not Sorry

You’re Not Sorry


         How do you break up with someone you love? I asked myself while sitting in fourth period on this lonely Monday morning. It hasn’t been easy being “Creative” in Creative Writing. Nick hasn’t even left my mind since mid-summer. And now I feel like I am watching as everything I’ve worked for falls apart right before my eyes. I quietly went through my purse looking for anything that could possibly occupy my mind. I saw a notebook so I pulled it out alone with a pen. I started to write him a note. Perfect, now I can tell him that I want to break up with him and why without having to look him in the face. As easy as pie. So I sat in Creative Writing producing the most cold-hearted note I could conjure up. I needed him to hate me, so then I would know I will never have another chance…
         I was getting very anxious waiting for the bell to ring. Jen and I started to walk towards our 5th period classes and she was being strangely quiet. “Viki listen. I have to tell you something. Britt told me something that Nick told her and I wanted to tell you. It’s pretty fucked up.” she said while slowing down.
         “Shoot.” I whispered. My heart started pounding and I felt like it was going to burst through my chest. She just stared at me for a few seconds.
         “He told Britt that he was going to dump you before the end of the month.”
         And that was it. My fuse was blown and I was furious. I was hurt. I was upset. I felt betrayed. He did it to me again. He hurt me again. I took the note out of my pocket and threw it onto the ground. “Well, I guess it’s time to have a little chat with Nick, huh?” I said raising my voice. By this time Nikki had caught up with us and Jen had filled her in as to what’s happening. They laughed all the way to Nicks science class. I walked to the door and picked him out of the crowd.
         “Nick I need to talk to you. Come here.” He started walking towards me and I could tell by the look on his face that he knew I was so beyond pissed. When he got into the hallway he smiled at me and said “What’s Up?”
         I was on the defense. I had my left hand on my hip and my right hand hanging by my side. I made a swift movement with my right arm, and rudely stared at him. “Listen, Nick, its over.” My voice was rough and serious. And he knew that I wasn’t kidding. His jaw dropped to the ground and he just stood there. I looked into his eyes and for a moment I kind of felt bad for him. His eyes were slightly glassed over, the way they get when you’re holding back the worst of tears. He looked so innocent and perfect, like he was when I met him. But then he took a walk with the monster. Now it’s more of a run. They run together now.
         I quickly snapped out of this daze and told him goodbye. But what I didn’t realize then is goodbye means forever…
         It took me a few days to realize what I had done. I lay in bed hearing the echoing laughs of Jen and Nikki as he stood there dumbfounded. Did I make a mistake? I asked myself. I think I might have loved him so much more then I had let myself believe. He made my heart race and I think I may have had a change of heart…
         I took my journal out of it’s secret hiding place and wrote down all the feelings I have kept inside. At the end I wrote down a quote that explains the way I felt at that moment. You write such pretty words. But life’s no story book. Loves an excuse to get hurt and to hurt…
         So Saturday night rolls along and I’ve lost my mind. So when I wake up Sunday morning Britt, Nikki and I decide we are going to take a ride to Nicks to get my stuff out of his car. When we get there, I get out alone and walk across his front lawn. I nervously ring the doorbell and listen quietly to the footsteps becoming closer and closer. Then I looked up and his mom gave me a nasty look and then started to freak out. “Viki, you can’t be here.” She repeated numerous times.
         “I don’t want to be here, I just need my stuff out of the Jeep.” She glared at me and said, “From When?”
         “I don’t know, like a month ago,” I replied, trying hard not to hit the ignorant bitch. She walked inside letting the screen door slam shut, leaving nothing but the echo in the air. She kept screaming the same thing over and over. “Nick she can’t be here.” A minute or two later he walked out the side door and walked to the Jeep. He sat in the drivers seat talking on the phone and gathering my CD’s and other possessions left there from a time when he cared. I stood there quietly not knowing what to say. There was such tension between us now. It was awkward. He handed me my belonging and once again he had the look of innocence in his eyes.
         Oh how I wish that he was still the same. Before he started running with the monster…
         When I left that day I could feel the cloud of despair hanging over my head. I could feel the tears coming on and I knew it was coming. I just didn’t know when. So I got back into the car and we drove off towards the bay. When we got there we got out and walked to the end of the dock. It looked like there had been a wedding there recently. I walked slowly, feeling the pain of every step without Nick in my life. I got to the end and sat down over the railing. Then it all just came out. The tears starting running down my face and blurring my vision. I quickly buried my face in my hands and felt Britt and Nikki embrace me…

         You had me crawling for you honey and it never would have gone away. You used to shine so bright but I watched all of it fade….