A Day In The Life Of Ralph Corngut

                                                                                  A Day In The Life Of Ralph Corngut





615:AM  I woke up slowly…Man my head hurts….What’s this weight on my shoulder? Uh Oh, not again! I slowly turned my bloodshot eyes to my left to see who was there. Oh shit! My stinking brother wouldn’t fuck this ugly bitch! Did I? Of course I did…Why else was I here at this time in the morning? Shit! How do I get out of here without waking her up? Her breath smelled worse than mine if that is possible. I had to escape….But how? I chewed off my arm quietly. Yes it hurt, but not as bad as my head ache. Free, I started to swing my legs over the side of the bed when I heard a loud slam of the front door. She awoke instantly, she knew this drill, I didn’t! Fuck! It’s my Ex! Get the hell out of here now or he’ll kill us both! I could hear him stomping up the stairs. There was anger in those steps, I knew. I rifled for my pants and shirt as she opened up the window. Jump you idiot or we’re both dead! I dove out of the window……Fuck….it was the second fucking floor. A small branch barely broke my fall and I landed hard on my back…the wind knocked out of me.



630:AM  Gasping for air I wondered where my car was. I couldn’t have driven over here as I don’t know where I am or how I got here. Lets see…The last thing I remember is getting my fifth, or was it the sixth margarita at the Pier Lounge from Angie. There was this ugly German chick…Oh No! She must have gotten better looking! That was last night, Monday I think….No Tuesday, as I got the drink specials all night. Fuck, I have to work today. I staggered to the corner to wait for a bus. There must be one coming as other people were waiting for one. An old lady gave me a hard look. Fuck you, you old hag, at least I don’t need the senior citizen discount! The bus came, and I got on. The driver asked for correct change…My withering glare caused a change of heart and he blew me off as not worth it. Good thing too.



7.00:AM  Where is this bus going? I looked around and saw nothing familiar. A Blood was giving me the hairy eyeball. Must be the wrong bus. Oh, there’s fourth…Stop the bus! I get off. My construction site is less than a block away. Better to be lucky than good. Shit! I’m supposed to show at seven, oh well I’m not that late. Malcolm will understand.



7.30:AM  Where the fuck have you been twinkletoes? I was trying to sneak in and pretend I’d been out for coffee when the foreman caught me hiding under the roach coach as the other guys were getting a shitty burrito for breakfast. I got up and faced him bravely. I’ve been here for half an hour, didn’t you see me drop this quarter under the truck. Last chance Corngut. And by the way…where are your boots? FUCK! I’d left my boots at the German chicks pad when I dove out the window. $100.00 bucks and I don’t even remember getting any! I was in a hurry to not be late…I must have forgotten them. Right asshole. We have six apartments to tape and bed today. Don’t you dare leave until all of them are done!



8.00:AM  Shit, I hate this fucking boring job. Tapeing is not so bad…But sanding and breathing that dust pisses me off. Salsa music was blaring from a cheap ghetto blaster as the Mexican fucks laid in the fucking sheet rock. Por que quanto mierda en la plaza de toros. Whatever that means. No wonder they are illiterate. Who can read that shit? Even they don’t know what that means.



9.00:AM  Fuck this shit! I quit! Malcolm can kiss my ass!  I’ve had it with the fucking job. I walk off. I’ll get Mario to pick up my last check. Walk is right. I still can’t remember where I left my car. It must still be at the Pier Lounge. That’s at least four miles away from this shitty site. I go to the subway turnstile. I don’t have a token. I don’t even have on any shoes! I’ve got it! I’ll lay here and act like a beggar. After all It won’t take much acting! Say!..Say..Bro….Ass Hole! ….Say…Say…Man….Prick!....Alms for the poor?....Fuck! ..So what can I say? I knock an old lady over for her purse and run like hell…I hail a cab and haul my ass down to the bar.



10.00:AM  The old bitch only had fifty bucks. Twenty on the cab and leaves me with less than I started the night…I think. Oh well, where the fuck is my car? That’s right, I got wasted at Fido’s on my way over. It must be there. I walk the half block to look in the parking lot when a stupid cop hassles me. Where you goin’ boy? Just to my car sir. You got any I.D.? Yes sir….Oh fuck that German whore…She stole my wallet! I seem to have misplaced my wallet sir. You seem to have misplaced a lot of things boy! He looked me over hard. I was trying to remember my lawyers name when he got a call on his radio. GHCUUUH…We have a 911 call on tenth and midway, do you copy? GHCUUUH…Ah.. Roger I copy… GHCUUUH ..Proceed to scene and await further dispatch over… GHCUUUH. You’re lucky boy…And off he went.



11.00:AM  Now, where is my car…There it is! I’d never seen a 74 Nova look so good. Of course she was raked with double wide slicks, bored out and a scoop. Carpeted dashboard with fringe headliner and the ubiquitous Jesus bobbing head on the dashboard. She had duel dice dangling from the rear view mirror, suede seat covers, and of course tinted glass all around. Classy wheels is my trade mark! I called her Aida!  I jumped in and headed for home. I still had a busy day ahead of me!



12.00:PM  I have a cool pad. Any bachelor is envious of my scene. Mirrors on the bedroom ceiling, a keg tap hanging out on the fridge, video camera in the shower…I mean everything! Sometimes I wish I was twins! My place was trashed. Fuck! Some fuck broke in and stole my stash! Four ounces of crank. That was my rent for the next two months! Shit! And I’d just quit my job. I’ll bet it was that speed freak Smokey. If it wasn’t…He knows who it was…I found a pair of Reeboks, changed my shirt and headed out to protect my turf. You don’t rip off Ralph without a fight!



1.00:PM  Smokey wasn’t hard to find. He’s always hitting up tourists to buy his wood carvings in front of the Spindrift hotel. It’s a transparent front…but for some reason the Heat never seem to catch on. I grabbed his ass and let fly. Where’s my crank you son of a bitch? What do you mean brother? You know what I mean you old bastard! Oh, that crank…I’d try the Bradley brothers if I was you. I heard Pablo Diablo double crossed them. Something about a sister I heard. But you didn’t hear it from me. How do you think I got to be old?



2.00:PM  Good point. You have to give the old geezer credit. He knows when to rat like the rat he is. I’m fucked of course. You don’t fuck with the Bradley brothers if you want to live. Call it the cost of doing business. Now Pablo is a different matter. I’ll worry about him later. For now …..fuck it! I need a drink. Maybe I can kill this hangover.



3.00:PM  I drive across town to Alcatraz. The finest titty bar in town. I’m well known there and get the red carpet treatment. After all…They call me Ralph the Mouth! I have earned that name on many occasions. Just ask the girls why! I saunter in with my usual élan. Ace at the door says I owe

him a $20 bill, cause Bunny gave me a blow job when I was passed out night before last. I don’t argue. Hell she might have, I just wish I was awake when it happened. I give him thirty, it’s wise to have the doorman on your side in case someone comes in looking for you that you don’t want to see. I order a bloody mary, light a Kool, and sit down to think a bit. I’ll need to cop my rent somehow. The land lord already hates me for being late all the fucking time. I could go back to pimpimg, but my leads are cold right now. My leg is still sore for moving to close to Willies turf a few months ago. Fuck it, I’ll go see Ricky The Weasel, my fence, and see what kind of merchandise he’s looking for these days. I slug down one more drink and split.



4.00:PM  Ricky runs a pawn shop on the east side as a front for his real business. I park in the alley, and give the special knock at the back door. Leo, his partner opens up and looks me over. Where the hell have you been? We haven’t seen you around since that shit went down with Willies whores. I tell him I’ve been busy, going legit. He laughs and  calls out to the front for Ricky to come on back, it’s just Ralph. Ricky is packing heat and a little nervous. What’s with the heat I ask. Things have been hot lately, some new punk is stirring up the streets. Something is going to have to be done about it. I don’t want to know. What you moving these days? He says satellite systems are going as fast as he can get them. He’ll take all I can get. I’ll look into it I say. I ask for a small front for expenses you understand. He tells me to get the hell out of there. I go back out