After Anna (Lily Part 1)

Lily
         
I have always defined myself in terms of Anna. If there happened to be a dictionary of every human being on the Earth, the entry under Lily Ellen Carter would read, “Age 16- See Anna Maria Carter.” But is this really so unusual? People define themselves by their relationships- parents are defined by children, husbands by wives, and sisters by sisters. Anna is my sister. My soul mate, my best friend, my worst enemy. Even in her death, I am defined by my sister Anna.

When I lost Anna, I lost myself. She was everything I wasn`t and everything I wanted to be. Life with her was like fire. If I wasn`t careful, if I got too close to the light, I got burned, and the burns left scars. But if I tried to stay away from her and strike out on my own, I froze with fear and got lost in the darkness. And if life with Anna was like fire, life without her is like ash. I`m rootless now and I blow in the wind because without Anna`s tether, I am weightless.
         
A word without a definition does not belong in a dictionary. I have no definition- my sister left me behind, and now I don`t belong anywhere. Not in this family that is just as goddamn lost as I am, not among my friends who pity me for being the girl who`s sister died, not in the general populace who wonder why the average, typical teenage girl walking by looks so sad. I am cold and hard as ice without Anna`s fire to warm me.