Lovers in Secret

Book one: Lovers in Secret
Chapter One:
Addictions

A
Secret can be defined as many things. For some it’s just something that’s between friends. For others it can contain a dark or malevolent purpose. The reason for keeping it is forever to stay with the original person who created it, for it will never be told the same again. Everyone has something that they want no one to know about and hope to hide for all eternity. I don’t know what will become of me if my own secret were to spread around the school. Call me self conscious, call me a sinner, or call me a regular person. It doesn’t change the facts at all.
But I keep a secret. A secret I cannot tell. As long as she doesn’t know, it’s okay. I’ll be okay. As long as it stays safe, stay’s hidden. I can always look. The hand: so graceful. Her scent: so delicate. The look of her eyes: the one that seems as if it sees through you.
I love it all.
I’ll always love it. She can’t accept me or at least won’t accept me. A relationship between women is impossible, isn’t it? From my experience, you grow bored and it ends after no more than two weeks. My many paramours and lovers have so far only convinced me that it isn’t worth it to truly bother with the quest of love. I’m not even close to good enough for her. I’ve done a lot in my short eighteen years of this that I call a life.
I go to school, go to church, try and live. But without her, my life seems a miss, in ordered. I try to categorize it well, but many things have missed my attention. My mind has played tricks’ upon my vision and my life has changed. My dream a week ago had to have been nothing more than a pure figment of my imagination from an innate longing of what I’ve been wanting for nearly four years.
I met her in freshman year, I simply bumped into her in a hallway in my school, we both exchanged our apologies and she was off. I was simply awe struck. Her blond curls, which seem to be her constant style over the years I’ve known her were bouncing and waving as she rushed off to her class. That was the year I came to this new state. My parents thought that a change in scenery would help to drag us all away from their marital problems and starting new lives would get my dad to break up with his own paramour.
Unfortunately for my mother, who slowly slipped into her own dream world, he found a new lady to entertain him. What an ass. Only one of the many reasons men are detestable. The main fact that the thought of having something ramming into you time and time again would be reason enough to make a person’s stomach flip. The thought of my eldest brother, Ben, came to mind. Well at least he got off on hard bodies with no tenderness.
“Rin? Can I talk to you?” I looked up to gaze upon my loved ones face. I glanced about the class room.
“Uhh... Yeah? What’s up?” Quickly, I made to put away my dairy, as well as my silly thoughts. She’s too sweet and innocent to be my master.
“This is gonna sound insane…” She looked down to her hands, which were placed gracefully by her midriff. When they came back up to me she continued. “Anyway, meet me after school at my house, alright?” She moved her clear eyes down at her crisp white flip flops. “It’s about where we stand, alright?” She looked behind her, at Becky I’d imagine. “Later.” Slipping her address under my palm, this caused me to draw in my breath, she rushed back to her desk. Her house? I watched her go back to her seat three behind me. Her pink shirt contrasted nicely against her pure white skirt that threatened to share her secrets with the world, not to mention me.
I sat there.
Wondering.
Simply wondering what she could mean.
We are now seniors in high school, me eighteen and her seventeen. I’ve been having weird dreams lately. Dreams that feel so real… so real that they could have happened. Her hair, blond: tumbling over her shoulders, her youthful face flushed, young blue eyes, shinning.
“Hey! Rina, pay attention.” Cat said, annoyingly perfect as ever. Thin as a broom stick, brilliant black hair. Ugh. If only I was that pretty, I would be able to get Sky, whose real name is Cindy Byes, but she hates the name. She calls herself Sky. It fit’s her, her and those light blue eyes.
Years ago, when I first fell in love with her, my heart would explode at the site of her. At least now I have progressed to the point where I can talk to her. I turned my head toward the teacher in my first period art class. It’s the only class I get with her this year, but next year, I don’t get any. I can’t ever see her again in four months time.
I’ll survive. I clutched my stomach. I feel like I’m gonna throw up.
In collage, I can move away. Away from my brothers, though I love them, I don’t think they can understand me. I guess I’ll just find another woman to which I can empty my frustrations. My last girl that I went out with, I wonder what she’s up to. She was a bit of fun, I guess. That had to have been a month ago. I can’t believe I’m able to go out with others when my heads constantly filled with her. It’s just not fair to the other party that I can’t give them my full affection.
I'm kind of starting to get my own little reputation around school. Although only certain social circles know about it. I’m horrible. I'm just so filthy… How could anyone so pure ever even think of liking me? I sighed to myself, stole a glance behind my shoulder casually. She looks so tired.
I’ll kill whoever made her lose sleep.
A flash went through my head. Her blond curls lingering in her softest place. Her body doing its own sort of curling. I growled inwardly. It’s just your fantasy getting the better of you Katarina. It’s just your past experiences being mixed in with the face that you long to see every day. All these fantasy’s started after I got slammed at a party. I can’t remember shit of that night. That was what? A week and a half ago, today? I like to think of myself as logical, but still! I'm losing it.
I looked over to my left at Cat who shares my high of the ground art table desk thing that I never did learn the name of. I rolled my eyes back to the teacher, Mr. Johansson. He’s a stick figure of a man, not that bad looking, but obviously trying hard to cover up the relationship that happens after school between him and one of the male students in my class; who gave him his undivided attention. I often wonder if anyone ever notices the things that I do: Probably not.
Go for it Derik.
When the bell rang, everyone was out like a cannon ball. I watched as Sky gracefully walked passed me into the hall. She didn’t spare me a glace. What the hell does she need to talk to me about? God, today needs to just end. She must really hate me.

“Have you been thinking about that night?” Sky said as we sat on her bed. Upon walking into her house, she brought me to her bedroom, de sha vu, holding my hand; Ahh the temptation. I couldn’t think of how to respond to her question. What the hell is she talking about? I thought to myself.
“What night?” My brown hair fell from my shoulders as I leaned forward. I pushed my side bangs back, confused.
“You were really drunk… I knew you wouldn’t remember.” She looked down, shaking her head.
“I’m so lost.” I put my hand to my head. What seemed to be a flash back filled my mind. Her: naked and in my arms. Her soft budded nipple in my mouth. I jumped up. “Damn it.” I screamed half to myself.
“What’s wrong?” She leaned towards me, grabbed my hand. I stared at it, looked up at her through my own dark green eyes.
“It wasn’t a dream, was it?” She pulled me down. Into her arms, embracing me and saying, “God, I hope not.” I felt warm tears soak my shirt. She pulled me away and looked into my eyes.
“You love me, too, don’t you? You said so that night. I wished so bad that you would remember the next day, and we could start our lives together as lovers.” I lifted my hand and wiped her tears, feeling my own fall down my cheeks. My throat constricted.
“I’ve always loved you, Sky. Always.” She pulled me on top of her. Onto the bed, rolling around, we ate at each other’s mouths until our appetites were satisfied. We held one another close.
A door slammed from a distance. We both jumped.
“Cindy, honey, I’m home, you’re father’s coming home late again, tonight.” A light and airy feminine voice drifted to us as we scrambled to sit up.
“Shit, mother.” She said to herself. “Hold on.” She said to me. “Hold up, mom! I gotta friend over, alright?” She looked back at me, kissed me boldly and got up, dragging me willingly behind her. Upon entering the kitchen she said, “This is Katarina Blys, I call her Rin.” She was still holding my hand. I looked at her worriedly. “She’s my girlfriend, now. I hope you like her.” I stared at her then looked to her mother: Mouth hanging open.
“Good. Then I can stop saying father.” She looked at me. “I always do just in case. Your mom will be back at 6:30. Late again” She rolled her eyes.
“Normal.” Sky sighed.
Now I was confused beyond reason. “Okay, Sky, you gotta explain this to me.”
“Ha, right. I told you that night, Hun. Anyway, my parents are lez, and I guess I inherited it. Gotta problem?” She butted my chin with her nose.
“No, but I got to tell you I don’t remember much of that night.” Just a lot of nakedness and panting. I said to myself, not willing to say it out loud.
“Only the good parts, I guess,” She let out a short burst of laughter. So did her mom. I was getting myself confused again.
“So, wait. Who’s your real mom?” I asked, trying not to sound rude and make an idiot, or a jerk, out of myself.
“The late one.” She rolled her eyes. “Can we go back to my room?” She directed towards her mother.
“If I get a hug first.” Her green eyes, darker than mine, shined and her dark brown hair cut just above her shoulders, swung as she tilted her head and held her arms outstretched towards her daughter.
“Deal.” Sky ran happily around the counter and giggled when she held her other mother. “Later, mom.” She said over her shoulder. “Her names Kim, by the way.” She let out a soft chuckle. Her curls, that had become somewhat misplaced from out encounter and twisted about the bed, danced as they normally did. She flipped a strand back and placed it behind her ear as she always did with her right side that loved to hang down. “I call my real, as you put it, mom momma.” She smiled again, slow and enchanting. Her hair captured the light that steamed through the window to our left. Her soft hand took mine once more, leading me back to the bedroom down a winding hall that was soft and painted a pure white with calla lilies in vases that lined it. Her door opened to the gloriously warm room made this way from our own hot breaths that were casted upon the room only moments before.
Her smile, wide and brilliant, lit up the light satin blue room instantly, bringing in even more light into the already well light house with many windows. I can’t believe I finally have her, after many years of waiting; I’m here, with her. I wonder how much longer we can be together, after all it’s only a matter of time before she gets sick of me. I wish we could stay this way forever.
I pulled her in to my arms, felt the curves of her body that already felt so familiar.
She pulled me back to the bed that creaked lightly because of our weight being brought to it. We sat there and looked deeply at one another. Her blue eyes filled with amusement and her smile soon faded when my hand went to lie across her cheek, gliding down it to her elegantly laid chin and pulled the delicate softness that will always be her lips, to mine. Her sigh, breathless and dreamy, escaped when our lips parted ways. Her eyes stayed closed. She laid her own hands on my face, forcing my face back down to hers.
A short while later I received a call from my mother and left. My dad wanted us all home to discuss stuff that I really didn’t give a rat’s ass about, but Shaun didn’t come home.

* * *

“Hey, babe.” Sky walked into the classroom, as bright and cheerful as ever, only with a new bounce I’d never seen before, or at least ever had the pleasure to see. The dark rings and tiredness seemed to have vanished. Guess I was the cause of it, guess I gotta kill myself. Yesterday, we both agreed to try and keep our relationship a secret at school, because of the consequences that would come. But I’ve always noticed Becky hanging around her, and I have to admit, I am jealous. I probably will always be jealous of other women around her.
Cat glanced at her and me as we hugged, I held her gaze for a while, until Sky and I parted. I hate it when first period ends; it’s the only time I get to see her during school,
I started walking after lunch, after trying to eat something, just trying to clear my head, enjoy the view and see the trees. I just can’t imagine why she would want to be with me. What’s good about me? My breasts aren’t that big, kind of small. I’m not as thin as other girls, I’m not fat but still. She could have any man she wants, why in the world wouldn’t she want that? A family of kids: Kids that have her hair, her smile. Fuck. I wanna see her children, be there for her during everything. I know I can’t like men, I’ve always know. Not that I would admit it to anyone. I could come out to my eldest brother, maybe, only because he’s gay himself. I’m so fucked up. Who would want me?
Shaun didn’t come home last night, although I have seen him at school…
“Hi, bet you didn’t expect me here.” Cat was giggling as she pinned me to the wall. “I see you staring at me all the time. Must mean that you like me, I’m starting to like you, as well. I guess it would be a blessing in disguise for me to ask you out, wouldn’t it?” She leaned close and licked my ear. I moved away.
“Excuse me, would you please get off me? No, I do not like you. I’m sorry, but I have to go.” Her hand stuck to my waist, Cats a bit taller but not much, I calculated the best route of escape. My biggest problem right now is Becky; she’s too close to Sky.
“Hmm, I’m not too sure of that.” She planted a kiss upon my lips, pulled back. “Keep in mind my offer, I always get what I want, you should be happy I’m interested in someone like you.” She put a hand on my chin, tilted it up. “Your eyes are truly amazing though. Well worth the fight.” She dropped her hand. “Tell her she has competition, now, Rina.” Her and her black hair walked coolly off in the distance. Class has got to start soon; I pried myself from the wall. She’d make a good master. I wanted to slap myself for the thought.
After school, I met up with Sky in front of the school next to a big tree that a lot of seniors, like me, sit underneath. The first thing I did was glare at Becky as she walked away, saying her goodbyes to Sky.
“Okay, I gotta ask.” I started. “What’s your relationship with Becky?” I grabbed her hand, pulled her closer. Waiting for an answer, I felt my heart nearly beat out of my chest. My breath quickened as she took her time answering.
She looked me dead in the eyes, “She’s my ex girlfriend from sophomore year. Chill, there’s nothing between us now.” Her eyes warmed. “I love how possessive you are of me.”
“Well, I kind of have to be. You’re a knock out who could have, literally, anyone you wanted. If I’m not, someone might steal you from me. I don’t want that.” I said the entire thing without taking a breath. I felt my face get hot. “I’m not pretty, or have a great personality, so I got nothing with keeping you with me.” I pulled her into my arms. Felt her giggling. “It’s not funny. I'm terrified, Sky.” I closed my eyes, ignoring the crowd around us. “I don’t know what I’ll do if I wake up and find this all to be a dream, again.”
“Well, it’s not a dream. It better not be, or I’ll be pissed, too.” She pulled back to look at my face. “You know how long I’ve liked you? A damn long time. The moment you walked in late on the first day of school in sophomore year. I broke up with Becky right after I saw you and you sat down in the desk in front of me.”
“I remember that day. I was so frustrated with my brother Ben. He forgot to take me to school with him that morning. I didn’t notice anything that happened in that class that day, I was just fuming that I had to run to school on my first day.” I began to get annoyed again just thinking about it. “I didn’t notice you were in my class ‘til the next day. I almost had a heart attack when I had to sit in front of you,” I let my voice drift off as I looked into her eyes. “I gotta get home, my bus is about to leave, sorry I can’t go home with you today.” I pulled her into my arms, ignoring some inquiring looks, and kissed her lips lightly. I saw Tyler collapsed underneath the senior tree.
Just sitting there.
I pulled away and started walking in the direction of my bus. I don’t what to look behind me, see her staring at my back, the hurt kitten look in her eyes that I know will be there. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four…
I walked in the door to my house, hung a fast right and started walking up the stairs to my bedroom. I looked at the pictures leading up the stairs. My mother and father had one all to themselves that they kept in the middle of the rest. My brothers and I dominated the rest of the frames. Such seemingly happy memories filled the walls. How did I live my life until now? I guess it was on autopilot. I’m always trying to be the best. Trying to impress my parents and earn their affection. I think they will love me even if I turned out to be as loose and childlike as Ben, but he’s the first born, he can do what he likes.
Shaun and I have to be the pillars of the family. With my father constantly working and my mother in “Lala Land” most of the time, we need to be here to take care of them, what if they found out about me? Would they love me any less?
I sighed to myself and stopped looking at the pictures, not wanting to know the answers to my own stupid questions. I pounded my feet up the rest of the stairs.
“I'm so fucked up.” I said to myself as I walked into my room in front of the stairs.
“If you are then I guess I am, too.” Shaun said from my bed, sitting on the edge, laughing. “What’s up Missy May? Why do you think you’re so fucked up?” He patted the spot next to him on the full sized purple bed still made from this morning; I began to worry about him messing it up.
I sighed heavily again and laid down, putting my head in his lap like I used to always do. “You haven’t called me that in a while.” I closed my eyes, trying not to think about my head ache. “So what’s with the unexpected visit? I didn’t see you on the bus, what happened to you?” I asked, opening my tired eyes.
“Do I need an excuse to not ride the bus?” He rolled his eyes at me, looked out the window across from us. “I got a ride home from a friend today.” He was hiding something.
“Don’t be vague with me, Shaun Lee Blys. You didn’t come home last night either.”
“I can if I want to Rina May Blys.” He laughed. I didn’t think it was funny. He’s never vague with me; he’s always straight forward with everyone. Something’s wrong, I thought, really wrong.
My hand went to his cheek. It’s too hot. “Are you sick? You don’t feel too well Lee.” I got up and took his hand like normal, and dragged him to his bedroom, put him into his bed after making him change into his P.J.’s. “I’ll bring you some tomato soup with milk in a little while.” I sat down next to him. “How long’s it been since you had a good night’s sleep, Lee?” I started to get worried. What is it that he’s so worried about? What did he want to tell me?
“A little while now. When was it that we started calling one another by our middle names, anyway?” He looked at me.
“A long, long time ago,” I stood and left the room, I shut the door behind me.
Ben appeared out of nowhere. “Dad’s gonna be late tonight. Do I get some soup, too?”
“Aren’t you the eldest?”
“Please!” He wrapped his arms around my legs and put his head on my stomach, nearly knocking me to the floor. “You always take care of us, little sis! Come on, please?”
Almost dying of laughter, I pushed him away and said a half-hearted “Alright.”
Excited shouts came from behind me as he followed me down the stairs. “I want some Mac and cheese, instead!” He said almost knocking me over again at the bottom of the stairs.
“Okay, okay, but I have to be alive in order to do that! Calm down!” He charged passed me into the kitchen. I think to anyone else who never saw Ben at home, they would think of him as a black haired heart-throb. His short hair’s always spiked up and his blue eyes, which he got from dad, light up his face. He’s about 5’11”, and probably would be voted least likely to be gay. I just see him as an excitable child.
I started laughing as I pulled out the blue Mac ‘n Cheese box.
“What’s got you so happy?” His smiled stayed on his lips.
“Thinken’ that I’m probably the only one who see’s you as a giant kid.” I giggled. “No wonder you get dominated!”
“Ha ha, very funny… Keep sex jokes to yourself, Katarina.” He laughed.
“Hey, if you want this, don’t call me by my full name.” I glared at him and used the spoon that I just picked up to point at him.
“Ahh, come on, don’t take away the food! That’s low even for you!”
“How’s your boyfriend doing?” I asked pleasantly, savoring my latest victory.
“We broke up late night. So I’d imagine that he has a new piece of arm candy and is screwing him relentlessly to get over me.” He leaned back against the counter and looked at his black shoes.
“Ohh, I’m sorry, he was cute, too.” I glanced over my shoulder at him. “You want some Ice cream to go with the cheese blues?”
“Nahh, I don’t wanna get fat over that asshole.” He patted his 20 year old stomach, probably trying to think of his collage exam.
“You could use some fat on you.” I looked him over and then strained the noodles, then added the correct amount of milk and butter to the mixture, added in the packet of cheese. I handed him a bowl of the food and fixed myself some and put it aside, I threw the dirty dishes in the sink and started making the soup for Shaun, taking bites of noodles as I went.
“Hey,” Ben said after a while. “What do you think of Mike Lynder?” I poured the soup into a bowl.
“The Blondie? He's nice. What is he, like 23? He’s got a good butt on him.” I laughed and started upstairs with the soup and some crackers. Like I would notice a man’s ass. “Lee,” I knocked on the door, entered, “I got some soup.”
I walked in and put it on the night stand next to his blue sheets. I ran my hand down the side of his head. I slipped out of the room, ignoring the fact that he was only fake sleeping, and the sob’s that followed when I left.
I walked down the stairs once again and crammed down the rest of the macaroni.


In the morning, I became vaguely aware that it was Thursday, and leisurely went through the rest of the day. Tomorrow, Sky leaves with her family and I won’t get to see her all weekend because of my field trip tomorrow. Tonight she’s coming over and staying until morning. It’s all I can really think about. It’s the first time we will get to be together since that night I got drunk. I only remember a few things from then. God, I wish I could remember that night. I grunted aloud to myself. I’m in fifth period right now; I'm just trying to make it to the end of the day with my sanity in tacked.
Tyler Valentine walked up behind my desk; he dropped his pencil beside me. I looked at it, then to him. “Well?” I asked. “Aren’t you gonna get it?” The only class I don’t have with him is sixth.
He started laughing at me and then he leaned down to pick it up. “Thanks for the advice,” He said quietly. He leaned against my desk, stared at me. “What are you doing tonight?”
I looked at him blankly. What the hell? “Excuse me?”
“You know, who are you hanging with this evening?” He raised a brow into the air. What the hell is it to him who I hang out with?
“And you care why?” I asked plainly. I gave him a bored look, he rolled his eyes. His eyes came back lustful. My hand became a fist underneath the desk.
“It should be my business to know what you’re doing.” He chuckled to himself. “I’ll see you later, Rina.” Bastard. He may be tall and cute, but I don’t like him.
“Mind your own business, jerk.” I said under my breath. What an ass. By the end of the day my mind was in chaos. The only thing I could think about was her. I walked around aimlessly until I got to the edge of the building. I leaned my head against the wall; I could feel the cold brick against my hair, I pulled it over my right shoulder and sighed heavily. This was becoming one of my new habits that I didn’t particularly like. I don’t like showing any weaknesses.
“Hey, funny seeing you here.” Cat pinned me, once again, to the wall. I looked up at her face. Bitch.
“I've somewhere I have to be, I can't deal with you right now. Please let go.” Cat didn't make a move. “Now.” What’s with pinning me to the wall and catching me by surprise? Can’t she just announce her presence, like normal people? It isn’t that hard to do. I’m getting tired of people comen’ on to me all the time. What the hell’s wrong with their eyes? They can have much better than me.
“Ha, like you can order me around.” She quirked her brow and tilted her head, placing her hand on my chin, tilting it up to her. She dug her nails into my cheek, hard.
A soft moan escaped my lips. My stomach tightened. My breath quickened as pulses moved from that one spot.
She studied me quickly. “Hmm, does Sky know about your little kinks?” She ran the blade of her finger down my neck, followed it with her mouth. She bit her teeth into the side of it and my knees went weak. The pain felt nice, good. I liked it too much, I realized. “Let’s see…So you’re masochistic? Poor Sky, she could never be your master, could she?” She moved her mouth to my lips, placing her tongue between them, digging for mine. Drawing it from my mouth, she bit it roughly. Beneath me ached wonderfully.
“No…” I said, barely able to breathe now, my bangs covered my right eye. “Let go.” I panted. “Don’t tell her. She’ll hate me.” I looked into her eyes pleadingly. The pain was wonderfully intoxicating.
“Huh. But can you be satisfied with vanilla sex?” She bit down on my lip, almost drawing blood. My face felt hot, and flushed. I realized I had stopped breathing.
“I can, if it’s with her. She isn’t into this kinda thing. Now let go, please. I-” Her hand went to my flesh, under my shirt, to my breast, she pinched my nipple roughly. I cried out softly, trying to hold myself back. “I can’t take anymore! Please… Let go… Cat. I love only her. Please!” My voice was panting now. I could barely control myself.
“You’re fun; it’s hard to find someone of my tastes.” She removed her hand and kissed my cheek, ever so gently. She released me, and I fell to the ground. Walking away, she spoke one last time. “Call on me if you need a release.”
“Why me?” I said to no one. “Why am I cursed?” I curled up into myself, trying not to cry as I thought of Sky, and what she would think of me. I’m so pathetic. I can’t even admit to my own sick perverted nature. Sure, I’ve done those types of things with most of my pervious girls, but I gotta get over it!
I gotta go to Sky. We get to be together tonight. I can deal with regular sex, can’t I? If a woman can fake an orgasm with a man just to stay straight, than I can get off on regular sex. It’s all for her.
Only for her.