Autism and Groceries

Jeff Foxworthy, after detailing a grocery store experience with kids, ended his routine with the comment, "Now I know why my mother left us young uns in the car while she got groceries."

It was way, way funnier when he said it, but it brings home a point. Children and grocery stores are a dangerous mix. The stores are filled with racing lanes. All the good stuff is at their eye level but below yours. It's nap-busting bright and there's a lady giving free samples of pizza. Parents will attest that shopping with kids is a death cycle of begging and crying.

It is enough to make the parent of an autistic child a nervous wreck. Not only do we have all these issues, grocery stores, with the overload of peripheral-vision input, piped-in music, bright lights, and squawking announcements, are often more than an autistic mind can bear. Once any child hits their limit they break down into tears, but a child with Autism can lay on the floor, screaming. These episodes are bigger than a tantrum and are termed "meltdowns".

We have two children with Autism. It has been a strange ride, and we are nowhere near finished. Our eleven-year-old daughter is more affected than our six-year-old son, so she has been the trial by fire. Shopping is a major issue for us and we go as little as possible, but groceries are needed. Meltdowns were a common occurrence for us, but now the kids are really good. This is what worked for us. Note that statistically, boys are more prone to ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), so I have worded these tips for boys.

First, the shopping itself:
-If you must bring your child solo, small trips for basic needs. Grocery stores are full of little tortures for those with sensory issues, and he is stressed about them before you walk in the door. His anxiety is higher than yours (which can be hard to believe). Small trips help him build his tolerance.
-Choose a time when the store is quiet (ask the staff when that is), and when your son is rested and recently eaten.
-Before leaving the house, pick a reward for good behavior, and follow through if you know he really tries. A very short trip will make this an achievable goal. Ours was a KinderSurprise at the checkout, but it could be a toy from the vending machine or a can of fun shaped pasta for dinner.
-Notice and mention what he is doing right, like staying with the cart.
-Let him “help” wherever possible, like counting apples into the bag, reading the list with you, or choosing a deli meat.
-Expect the trip to take extra long. These short trips are as much about him as they are about getting food.
-Let him stim if it calms him.
-For big trips, go with your spouse instead of leaving them at home with your child, or grab a friend or family member to help manage or distract your son. Not forever, just until your son can handle that long in the store. In the early days, he'll hit his wall and have to be removed by this other adult. If you can, do this when you see his anxiety increase but before he breaks, so he will no longer associate sensory relief with the tantrum.

Now, for the meltdowns. These are double stress; once for the screaming child, and once for the public scene. Some will give the evil eye to the parent and child, while others are just bursting with opinions. When a meltdown happens, it is Priority One.
-If you see one coming, stay calm. Give him your full attention, keep your voice even, and remember that thing he does that you find adorable. You have a far better chance of keeping him calm if you are.
-Don't apologize to others. You've done nothing wrong.
-Don't run and hide. For a child with Autism, this is a reward. He WANTS out of the store.
-Wait it out. Bread can wait another couple of minutes. If you can, talk about the trigger (loud noise, no cookies). It helps anyone to give that terrible anxiety a name. Remind him of the reward, how good he's been, and that you are “almost” done.
-The world has narrowed to two people – you and your child. No one else matters.
-Think about your face and posture. If you can't fake calm, go for tired. Tired is the best facial expression for the comeback to the opinionated busybody, “He has Autism. What's your excuse?”
-More people have been in your shoes than you think. I once had a young mother of a typical child say that when her boy had a tantrum in the mall, she thought others looked at her as an unfit mother due to her age. I told her that, no, they were remembering the last time their child did the same thing, and they are thinking, “Thank God it's someone else's turn”.