Staring Into the Unknown

He walked into the room silently, cautiously, not really knowing what to expect. These past few weeks had been like an unreal, messed up fairytale, but I could feel them coming to an end. I had never known that saying goodbye to someone you had never even spoken to could be so heartbreakingly hard. Lately, I had discovered a lot of things that I had never knew that I hadn’t know. He had helped me discover parts of myself that had been locked for so long. We had met three weeks ago, and I realized that I was absolutely, totally, and completely in over my head in love with him. It might have worked out, in a perfect world, but not in my world. I had willingly given my heart, soul and future to this man, leaving me with nothing.

Three Weeks Earlier…

I stepped out into the cold winter air. The lashing of the ice-cold wind felt good against my face after being numb all day.  That’s how I had been living for a while now, making it through each day by being numb. My life had turned from an exciting adventure of living life and making it on my own to tedious and very repetitive. I had tried to commit suicide one or twice. I had tried to drown myself in the bathtub, and I had flung myself down a few flights of stairs. I had never had the guts to go through with it; I just ended up with broken bones. I had been trying to focus on the present, make the most of my “precious” time here. I sighed, it was getting darker, the loneliest time of day for me.

I lived in New York City where there was absolutely no parking and thousands of other people crowding through the streets.  I had parked my car a few blocks down and now had to navigate my way through the crowded streets to my warm car. On the colder days, like this one, everyone hid inside, so the streets were less crowded than I was used to. As I walked I thought about my life lately, I had been having a strange sense of urgency all day, like I was running out of time.          

My life had little meaning. Living was just one more thing I was forced to do. I had messed up so many times that taking risks seemed pointless. I was stagnant, stuck in a pointless loop of despair. I felt the overwhelming urgency to do something more with my life. The only reason that I kept living was a little spark of hope that maybe something amazing would change my life; maybe I would get the chance to truly be in love. It was doubtful, but I never could truly give up hope on myself. It broke my heart, but I knew that I would probably be alone until I died. I slowly came back to reality, trying to focus on the present.

It didn’t last very long before my mind was jumping around from the future to the past. I was really truly in a dark and messed up place. I didn’t understand why I had turned out so wrong. Up to this point I’d had an almost-perfect life. Maybe perfection was more overrated than even I knew. I felt very and truly alone in the world, which slowly shattered my heart into pieces. Tears washed down my face. I quickly wiped them away before anyone could see.

I came across a narrow dark alleyway that branched out on both sides into the unknown. I heard several men arguing at the end of alley and I paused to watch. They were all covered from head to toe in black. They wore masks, making it utterly impossible to see any glimpse of their faces.

         They were dragging large, heavy garbage bags towards a big, public garbage bag. Cursing every few seconds. You could tell that the bags were heavy because every they would often stop to rest. They were speaking to each other in hushed tones, I could only hear bits and pieces of what was being said, and most of it was a string of curse words. I felt as if I was watching some corny horror movie.

         One of the men dropped his bag and clutched his back. Apparently the vigorous exercise had gotten to him. Instantaneously a body of a man rolled out from the bag, he was white from head to toe; he was face down on the cement. Then I realized that he was dead. My body impulsively took over, letting my head have no say in the matter. I felt a wave of nausea rush through me. I gasped for breath. The man that had dropped the bag looked around, then his head snapped up to stare at me.  I could feel the look of shock on my face, and anger on his. Our eyes meet and for a few seconds I saw deep into his soul. I could feel everything that he felt, a mixture of emotions, confusion, anger, fear, and hatred. I had never been so scared in my life.

         Once again my body took over. I ran faster then I ever had and ever would again in my existence run. I carefully glanced back over my shoulder. About a hundred yards back, one of them stood there. I still hadn’t gotten a good enough look to really notice anything that stood out between them, so I couldn’t tell which one of the men it was. He just stood there, intently watching me. It threw me off and my mind went black. Do I run? Do I scream? I turned to face the crowd ahead of me. My mind went under into of darkness and confusion.

         I awoke in a very dull and unfamiliar room. I thought it was a hospital, but there was a lack of machines, monitors, curtains, and couches. I didn’t understand why I was here. I was confused, very confused. I closed my eyes, then things started coming back to me. I ran through all of last day in my head, like an awful movie that wouldn’t end. Then the screaming started. I felt a pinch in my arm, and then everything went black, again.

         My eyes slowly fluttered open. My body felt stiff, like I had been sleeping for days. I tried to sit up, but some uncontrollable force pressed me against the bed. I was alone, which I should’ve been used to by now, but something about this place made the aloneness very eerie. I wasn’t a very patient person, and I always needed to be doing something. I repeatedly memorized the room, the room was small and there wasn’t much to memorize so it didn’t take me long.

         There was a big window on the right wall, with blinds and brown curtains. The carpet was gray, the walls were white and there was green nightstand to my left. Obviously they were in short supply of money because nothing seemed to match. The room was very cozy, but there was enough room to breath. If I had been in any other situation I might have enjoyed myself. Another overwhelming gust of loneliness hit me like a tornado. I didn’t want to be alone, but it was better than being with one of “them.”

         I stared at the wall for a few minutes and then they walked in. Speak of the devil and it appears. Four men dressed in all back, the only difference from the men yesterday, and the ones today were that they didn’t have their masks on. All four of the men were stunningly gorgeous. One of the men walked forward and stood at the end of my bed. He had dark skin, like the doctor, short black hair, perfect teeth and light brown eyes. He spoke in a thick accent that I had never heard before.

         “Where am I?” I asked, panic pouring out of my voice. I pulled my legs to my chest to be as far away from him as possible.

         “That doesn’t matter, Katherine. Listen very carefully, what you saw yesterday, it’s not what you think.” He spoke slowly, thinking over what he was going to say next.

         “Really, because it looked like you were murdering innocent bystanders and dragging their bodies off.” I tried to be brave, but it came off as shaky and scared.

         “I’m not authorized to give you any details about our business, but I can tell you that we are not the bad guys here. We’re trying to protect the people of the world, not hurt them. Your precious government had done a good enough job at that.” His voice turned from calm to disgust and hatred in a split second.

“I promise that you will be safe here, just trust us.” He stood up and left the room with two of his followers.

         The last one stayed to protect me, or watch me, or something like that, but from what I needed protecting from, I wasn’t sure. He sat silently, looking anywhere to avoid looking at me. He was gorgeously intimidating. He had long blond hair and a face that glowed like an angel. Something hidden in his eyes made him look more like a dark angel than a heavenly angel.

His eyes were cold and weary, making him look older than he most likely was. He was young, early or middle 20’s, I think, so he was about my age.  He was lean and muscular, like a male swimsuit model. He gave off an overwhelming feeling of longing and edge, but he also made me feel safe, comforted and protected. Which was a very rare feeling here. He was complex, I decided.

         I sat silently, studying him, trying to sketch his perfect features into my mind. I hated silence, so eventually I had to break it. I asked questions that came off as accusations, and he just sat, silently. Because he wouldn’t answer any of my questions, I had to answer them for myself. Creating my own little group of atrocious people. This place was an absolute joke. Everybody was running around being the “Protectors” of humanity, and what exactly where they trying to protect us from? I needed the answers, but not sure if I would receive the ones that I wanted to hear.

          I know that the world isn’t some perfect fairytale, nothing is. I know that there are bad people out there, but what is so bad that an unofficial organization of men and women feel as if they have to shelter us from. I didn’t know how long I had been assessing the situation, but I knew it had been a while when he switched shifts with another one of the “Protectors.” As soon as he left the room his absent presence was immediately known. Every sense of protection and comfort had vanished with him. Leaving me frightened, anxious to see him again and unbearably lonely.

         This lasted for a few weeks. The doctor would check on me every few days. My guess was that they wanted to be sure that I was mentally stable. I was starting to question that myself. I sat in bed all day, creating imaginary worlds in my head, and coming up with a hundred different scenarios of me escaping the horrible prison that I now lived in.

         Every once in a while they would let me out of my very well known room. I’d walk the halls, and explore, so to speak. Although it wasn’t exactly exploring with three or four “bodyguards” at my side. It was unclear if they were protecting me or other people that lived here.

         I was adjusting to life here. I wasn’t really sure why I was still here, but it was superior to my previous situation in living. I walked through the halls at my “place of living”, if that’s what it was. The halls were dark, but light enough to still be able to see. The floor was made of a weird metal material, I had never seen anything like it. There were tiny holes in the floor, maybe for ventilation. The thing that intrigued me the most were the walls and ceiling. They were all meshed together into half of a circle, sort of like a tunnel, which made me suspect that we were underground. It would definitely explain the lack of light, and the very cold nights.

         The halls were desolate. Whenever someone would pass us, my “bodyguards” would tense up and walk in a protective stance. I felt like I was in a mental hospital, like everyone around me needed to be protected. I was angry by their actions, yet intrigued to.

         Throughout all of my career as a reporter, I was expected to ask questions, naturally it became a habit. For the first few days I did ask questions, a lot of questions, but quickly I realized that I would survive longer here if I held my tongue.

         I had tried to count the days, but the lack of light, and the absence of a clock made it difficult to tell the distinction between night and day. I was telling time on my best judgment. Last I counted, I had been here for seventeen days, and being locked in one room for that long did not do me wonders. I could feel myself getting restless, I was going to snap soon, and when I did, I would go mad.

         I hadn’t seen him after that first day, but he was my every thought. I didn’t like him at all. He was beautiful, but even though he made me feel safe and protected he was so cold and harsh towards all other human beings. I had been thinking of him so often that I was absolutely positive that I had created a whole different person than who he really was. I had created an awful, appalling man who hated everything that breathed. I knew that I was going insane when I produced my own little movie of him massacring everyone in sight. I hated what I was doing to him, but it was the only thing that kept me from ripping out every strand of my hair from my head.

         I had my own little routine down, until I decided to screw it up. With nothing to occupy my time, all I could do was think, and thinking let to plotting. I had never been a very adventurous person, taking risks had always been a challenge for me. I was about to face my greatest challenge ever.

         I had two hours until I planned to make my first attempt at escape. I didn’t plan on escaping the first try. My goal in doing this was to get my barriers down and to get to known the lay of the land, or the lay of the building in this case.

         I had learned from past experiences that planning was one of the worst things for me to do. Planning ahead gave me expectations and expectations made me very nervous. That is most likely why none of my past relationships lasted for more than three weeks. Right now, I was an absolute nervous wreck.

         I started to question my motives in trying to escape. I was not in any immediate danger that I was aware of, they hadn’t done anything bad to me. Except for locking  me in a cell and making me feel like a patient in a nuthouse. On the other hand, what did I really know about these people? Maybe they were the nut jobs and I was the only normal one in this place. It was very unlikely, but I liked this option better than the one about me being crazy. Also they had denied murdering all of those people, even though I had believed them when they didn’t do it. So they were good liars to. Maybe I was just another one of their victims. Maybe.

         I snatched my duffle bag from under my bed. I felt lucky; maybe I would actually have a chance at escaping after all. They had stopped locking the door after the first two weeks so I had been free to wander wherever I wanted. I had gained their trust, but only some of it. Whenever I left the room one of them would follow me around, trying their hardest to keep me from noticing.

         I peeked out the door; they had turned the overhead lights off in the hall, leaving only the smaller, dimmer lights on. Two men turned the corner, being completely unaware of my presence in the hall. I stepped back inside my room and waited for them to pass.

         I peeped out the door again at the empty hallway. I quietly ran to the corner and peeped down the long hallway. I sprinted to the end and turned the corner, too careless to check before I started running again. I took two steps before I jumped back. There he sat, my dark angel.

         “Holy crap! You scared the life out of me!” I whispered. I could feel my heart pounding, tearing itself from my chest.

         “Good, you should be scared. May I ask why you felt the need to leave your quarters?” He asked. His tone serious, his eyes full of anger and a hint of confusion.

         “Well...” I paused to think my answer through. I had come up with many alibis, but none could fit this situation. I thought for a second, then went on, “If you must ask, I was looking for the… bathroom.” My voice got quieter and less confident the more I  spoke.

         “How long have you been here exactly? Three, maybe four weeks now, and you still can’t find the bathroom?” He asked, his eyebrow rose in suspicion.

         I sighed in defeat.

         “I changed my mind, you may not ask me what I am doing.” I spoke letting acid leak through my voice.

         He glared at me for a moment then glanced down at his gun.

         “Do you think that will stop me?”

         “No, I know that it won’t stop you, but I don’t believe you’ll try anything,” I said confidentially.

         “Oh, and why is that?” He sounded curious, but his face gave nothing away. He stood up from his post and walked towards me until we were only three feet apart.

         “Because you’re better than you know.” I avoided his eyes, not wanting to get sucked in anymore than I already was.

         “I see,” he whispered, stretching it out longer than it needed to be, “And what experience qualifies you to make judgments?” He glared at me coldly, but slowly the anger faded from hid eyes.

         “Not judgments,” I said calmly, searching for the rights word.

         “Accusations?” he led on. I thought through it in my head.

         “More like good accusations.” I finally settled on what I wanted to say, not being able to think of something smarter to say.

         “Interesting. It’s getting late, and not everyone here is as forgiving as I am.” He smiled, it was a cold smile, but it was the first time that I had actually seen him smile. It took my breath away. I stared at him, lightheaded and not knowing what else to do. Every horrible accusation and judgment disappeared, leaving me in a permanent state of awe.

         He gently spun me around and pushed me down the hall. I stumbled for a few feet then turned around to look back at him. He was gone, leaving me looking drunk and stupid.

         The next few days passed quickly… and slowly. I had more to think about, but I was more anxious than usual. I thought about him every second of every minute of every day. It bothered me greatly that I still didn’t know his name. That was mostly what I thought about, his name. I had created so many names, but none seemed to fit.

         Slowly but surely things got worse. I was ripping my hair out with nothing to do. I looked at all of the times in my life when I had been insanely busy. I sighed to myself. Those were the high points in my life. I could feel change brewing, and I eagerly welcomed it. Bad change would be better than nothing.

         I had completely given up on trying to count the days. Everything was a big blur of time. So I was surprised when I found out I had been “kidnapped” two months ago. A man in a formal suit walked in, he glanced around the room and then sat by my bed. I had been reading one of the only two books they had given me. I set the book down and

         “Miss Katherine, I am positive that you’re noticed, but in case you have not, we have been monitoring your progress here.”

         “Ya, I’ve noticed. The physic evaluations kinda gave it away.” I stared up from my hair.

         He ignored my comment and continued on. “You have been greatly progressing here and we feel that you have adapted to life here.” He was flipping through a chart with my name on it.

         “Well apparently I came of nicer than I was trying to be. Tell your master, or your boss, or whoever that I am going to go mad if I spend one more second locked up in this room!”

         On cue, four men in all black walked into the room. I knew these men, one I knew especially well. My dark angel. My heart flew out of my chest the moment I saw him, making me instantly sick. The very formal man stood up and pulled the seat out for the leader of the men in black. I flashed back to two months ago when I had been in this exact scenario. The leader sat down and leaned forward closer to my bed.

         “Katherine, I have consulted with many of out specialists here and all of our experiments show that you are stable enough to move forward here.”

         I tried to decipher his very perplexing riddle, taking it apart piece by piece.

         “I am very… confused.” I pulled my knees up to my chest. The exact position I had been in two months ago.

         “Let me be more clear,” he spoke gently, “We are prepared to offer you a full time position as one of us.”

         “Who exactly is us?” I asked harshly.

         “Like I said before, all I can tell you is that we are the protectors of humanity. I can tell you more is you decide to accept our offer.” He stood up started walking towards the door. “We will of course, give you time to think this through.”

         I put my head down on my knees, closed my eyes, and started thinking. The one thing I was extremely sick of doing. The shock of the offer had my head spinning, I couldn’t think straight. I tried, unsuccessfully, to think of other things, trying to avoid confronting the issue.

         I had two options. One, I could stay in this horrible prison-room forever and lose my mind. Option two, I could accept the offer and join them. At the previous moment in time, I was leaning toward option two.

         I had gotten over the fact that they were murderers; the fact that they chose whether I lived or died swayed my vote. I knew that if I decided not to join them I most likely would stay in here forever, there might be an off chance of them setting me free back into the real world, but it was doubtful. I couldn’t picture my life the way it had been before, not with what I knew now, which wasn’t much. I suppose I could try to be normal, try to pretend that I was the same girl I had been before this, but I knew that I could never be happy that way; my old normal didn’t seem so normal anymore.

         This was my life now. I still couldn’t exactly say that I liked it here, but I felt like I fit in here more than I had in the real world. I didn’t know what they were doing here, or why, but for once in my life I felt like I was involved with something bigger than myself, like I was making a real difference in the world, like I was leaving something behind.

         Ha! Maybe I am over thinking everything too much. I thought. Or maybe I was taking this too lightly. My head started spinning again. I knew that deep down I had already made my decision to join them. I realized that my main reason for staying was him, and this greatly upset me. I couldn’t leave now, I couldn’t leave him. I felt weak and pathetic for being the damsel in distress, but I was in too deep. I wasn’t in love with him, nothing remotely close, but there was some strange pull that he had on me, like we were two attracting magnets, something that I couldn’t stop if I tried. I hated myself for giving in without a fight, but I had no other choice.

         For three days I was obsessed with making this decision. Even though I had already made it. Something seemed… off, though I couldn’t quite grasp what it was. I accepted the offer with much difficulty. My pride was at an all time low. With in my first week I was utterly involved with their mission here, leaving my two months of darkness behind. They were right when they said they were the protectors of humanity, and now, I was one of the protectors. We were doing what the government wasn’t, picking up their slack. I quickly became accepted, but every once in a while, something would come back to haunt me. It was a crippling sensation that left me in a dark state of depression. But eventually I would emerge victorious from the battle.

         I rarely saw him after the offer had been made. I asked around about him, but nobody knew much. He kept to himself, staying completely out of the spotlight. The one thing I did find out was his name. Noah Christopher Logan. It suited him well. I also learned that that he had quite a temper on him. He didn’t get along with people well and you did not want to get on his bad side.

         The next few months got easier, I would pass him in the hall occasionally, we would exchange unfriendly glances, and then walk away. I was becoming obsessed with a man that I had hardly spoken to. It was maddening! I had only said a few words to him and he hated me, for no reason! I was starting to think that the man I had made up so many months ago wasn’t so far off from the man that I couldn’t stop thinking about. Something needed to be done, but I was too scared to think of doing anything myself, so I stepped back and waited for him to make the first move. And I didn’t have to wait long.

I was working in my quarters when he opened the hatch and walked in.

“Can I help you,” I asked harshly. I was busy and did not have time for mindless distractions; “I’m very busy, so make it quick.” I continued working, not bothering to see who was there.

         Whoever it was didn’t speak or move, the only thing that confirmed that he or she was still there was the heavy breathing. I stood up and turned to face them. There he stood silently, avoiding my eyes. Shock washed through my body, then confusion and finally anger. I walked three steps forward, then paused.

“Can I help you?” I repeated. I crossed my arms against my chest to cease the urging to touch his beautiful skin, or slap him. I wanted to do both.

         He still didn’t speak or move. He looked scared and hurt somehow. I felt an overwhelming urge to comfort him. He walked slowly towards me. He took me in his arms; I didn’t want to fight it. He wrapped his arms around my waist; I had to stand on y tiptoes to wrap my arms around his neck. This was perfect, but I knew that it couldn’t last. It was incredible and sad. I could feel our small amount of time together coming to a tragic end. I could feel that this was our goodbye, the end of my short fairytale life here. I had never spoken to him, but I didn’t want to say goodbye.

         He leaned down to kiss me. It lasted longer than most normal kisses do, but I longed for me. He pulled back to stare deep into my eyes. My vision was blurred and I realized that I was crying. Tears streamed down my face. He gently wiped them away.

         “Don’t forget me,” he whispered quietly, then he left. I watched as he walked away, taking every part of me with him.