I'm Sorry (Again)

I’m sorry (again)
By: Emily Treischel

I never expected to care.
To be honest.
I never even expected you to care.
And maybe that wasn’t even the problem.
Maybe it wasn’t how much I ended up caring,
Or how much you never did.
Maybe the problem was how hard I let myself fall, or how hard you let me hit the ground; heart- first when you weren’t there to catch me.
Even knowing how vulnerable I was and how afraid I was to lose you didn’t stop you.

They say it’s lonely at the top, but I want to know how lonely.

I see you pass by ironically alone, with that evil smirk on your face and that stride that screams arrogance.
As I desperately try to catch your eye one last time, those big brown eyes.
I can’t even whisper confidence in your presence.
It hurts.
It hurts to know that you are doing just fine without me.
It hurts to know that you don’t need a mental getaway to get over me.
That you don’t think about me every time you see a car that looks like mine, or hear a song that I used to like.
That even after all we’ve been through, the memories are only stowed away in the corners of your mind rather that cherished as they are in mine.
If those things are burned so deep in my heart, why are they so forgettable for you?
Was I the only one who whole heartedly laughed when we were laughing, or cried when we were crying?
It’s not supposed to be that way, it’s not supposed to end this way.
I don’t believe you will ever truly know how much you meant to me.
But maybe that’s a blessing in disguise.
Disguised as the smart, hardworking, respectful young man you have so effortlessly become.
Now, please, please don’t think I am trying to dis on you.
I just thought I would try to explain how badly I wanted to kiss on you.
On those lips that spoke the words that tore me apart.
I went that extra mile to be yours, to be loved by you, and cherished by you.
But it’s hard to keep going when that mile suddenly turned into a marathon.

And it wasn’t until that cold day when you said what you said and did what you did, that made me realize how wrong my expectations were.
I did care.
I did love you.
I did mean it when I said I was sorry from the bottom of my broken heart.
But I am done saying sorry
I am done with your arrogance
Just keep doing fine without me, because only you would know,

How lonely it is up there.