Relief

Relief

My stomach drops. We didn't want to be right this time. My heart clenches and it’s a familiar pain. Fear causes my throat to become dry and stubborn, fighting the air that my lungs are starved for.

My vision blurs as my legs burn. Tears cause my vision to swim, the world around me a blur of color and demented shapes. We won't cry here. Not when so many can see.

Fear trickles through my veins. My hands shake with the need to feel rich sticky blood coating my fingers. Strong was the need to destroy, where before the need had been to create. My legs stop, we're safe to do what we want here.

Pain, quick and relentless claims my soul. We sob quietly, even alone, afraid to be heard ... to be seen. We curse my tears even as I relish them. There is Weakness and Salvation in each shimmering salty drop.

Memories replay in my head. There are tears that are not my own that coat my cheek, dampen my shoulder, fingers, lap, and my lips.

My fear is of history repeating itself.

Of not being strong enough this time, of never being enough.


Anger replaces my pain, its hold firm and strong. At my sides hands curl into fist, claws, talons, anything to bring pain and destruction. Thundering whispers fill my ears, pleading with me to let lose my full nature, to slip into the temptation of the beautiful horrors that we could inflict.

A breath and my control is slipping. The whispered promises of relief fill my head. My mind creates the scent, warm and metallic with a slight sweetness to it that cannot be properly described aloud. The feeling of slippery wetness between my fingers, reaches my consciousness now. As the warmth from the rapidly cooling blood spreads through my own body, sending a shiver of delight up my spine.


We give into temptation, letting lose the monster from its cage. My fist hits the solid metal face and pain radiates up my arm. A purr escapes us at the purely euphoric sensation.


Claws dig into my arms, dragging across the flesh there. Angry red welts as well as small beads of blood are my reward. Relief swells and replaces the anger for a moment.


Quickly however it is back again, my fist flying towards the metal cabinet. No relief. Again it flies this time harder, we hear a crack, feel the blood beginning to pool.


It is a momentary reprieve from the pain and heartache. My tattered soul numb, as physical pain took precedence over emotion. Closing my eyes, we allow a single tear to fall. Painful changes are coming …


Gods help us … may they bring the same relief.