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coming of age comedy |
| continuation, untitled screenplay JACK HAMMER " TO HELP YOURSELF GET AN EDGE, ON THE FORM. EXAGERATE A LITTLE BIT ON YOUR EXPERIENCE. DREW " SAY WHAT " JACK " HERE LOOK, I SAID I DOUBLED FOR CHRIS FARLEY IN A COUPLE OF HIS MOVIES. OF COURSE I NEVER DID. DREW ' SO LIE. (PAUSE) WONT THEY LOOK IT UP AND FIND OUT YOUR BULLSHITTING? " JACK ' PLEASE, NO WAY. BODY DOUBLES ARE THE LOWEST ON THE DICK STICK, RARELY EVER GET ANY CREDIT. DREW " DICK STICK?" JACK " HOLLYWOOD'S MEASUREMENT OF IMPORTANCE (PAUSE) FOR EXAMPLE GEORGE CLOONEY, HE'S THE TIP, MUSHROOM HEAD AS I CALL IT. ANYTHING THAT SPIRTS OUT, PEOPLE ARE ALL OVER IT, GOOD TO THE LAST DROP LIKE MAXWELL HOUSE. THEN THERE'S SAY, UM ERIC ROBERTS.HE'S THE SHAFT. LONG SUCESSFUL CAREER, DECENT ACTOR, BUT NOT A 20 MIL A FLICK ACTOR. HE'S NO CLOONEY. THEN YOU HAVE YOUR CAMERA MEN, WRITERS, KEY GRIPS, LIGHTING AND SO ON. BASICALLY EVERYONE THAT PEICES THE MOVIE TOGETHER WITHOUT GETTING ANY FAME OR RECOGNITION. THERE THE BALLS, YOU HAVE TO TICKLE AND CUFF THE BALLSACK TO GET THE OLD LOG ROLLING, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. THEN THERE'S UNFORTUNATLEY THE BODY DOUBLES. AKA THE NUTCRACKERS.THE WORTHLESS SPACE BETWEEN YOUR NUTS AND ASS CRACK. angle- mom who hears everything sitting next to them, looks at them with disgust and horror. after having her hands over her sons ears for the most part, grabs his hand and leaves the area shaking her head. DREW " INTERESTING PERSPECTIVE. DREW GREEN BY THE WAY." JACK " JACK HAMMER, MOST PEOPLE JUST CALL ME JACK." DREW " JACK HAMMER HUH. JACK " I KNOW NOT A TYPICAL NAME. INHERITED IT FROM MY UNCLE WHO'S A RENOUNED 70'S PORN STAR. WHO PATTENED TWO POSITIONS, THE INFAMOUS JACK HAMMER AND THE ROLLER COASTER. close up- Jack very colorful in his conversation. (FLASHBACK) Jack Hammer sr. longish light brown hair with a thick tom selleck mustache, with a gerry curl hairy chest. very confident. retro style video with tacky porno music. Jack hammer sr. seen standing over a cute blond actress laying on her back in a crotch position with her ankles beside both her ears, ass sticking straight up. all of her body between the hammers legs except for her ass sticking out a little in the front. the hammer grabs the ass with two hands. and in an up and down motion, standing and squating, penetrates the blond. THE HAMMER " ITS HAMMER TIME " close up- after the flashback. drew mesmrized by jack's story. JACK "BUT MY ALL TIME FAVORITE OF MY UNCLE'S THOUGH IS STILL THE ROLLERCOASTER. THAT TAKES SKILL AND DEFINATELY NEED TO BE WELL ENDOWED." close up- Jack michivously smiles at Drew.(FLASHBACK)- same retro porn set, disco rollercoaster song this time, with a gorgeous brunette. the hammer in missionary position, with her legs spread eagle. the hammer without using his hands to grab anything has them straight out in the air in front of him, imitating superman flying (up, up and way) laying on the bed just using his hips with his back arched as he penetrates the actress. THE HAMMER " LOOK MOM, NO HANDS " angle to- (END FLASHBACK) drew and jack seems to be hitting it off. DREW " SO WHY ARE YOU HERE? TRYING TO BECOME AN ACTOR OR SOMETHING? " JACK " DIDN'T PLAN ON IT. SOME GUY CAME UP TO ME AND SAID THERE LOOKING FOR A FAT FUNNY GUY.(PAUSE) I WAS WORKING A DEAD END JOB, AND DIDN'T REALLY HAVE ANYTHING GOING ON AT THE TIME. SO WHY NOT. HAD NOTHING TO LOSE. PLUS IM A BIG MOVIE BUFF." DREW " YEA ME TOO. WHAT WERE YOU DOING? " JACK " WELL I WAS A LINE COOK AT BOBS BIG BOY, THATS INTILL SOME DELINQUENTS STOLE OUR BIG BOY STATUE. MY JACKASS OF A MANAGER MADE ME WEAR THAT UGLY RED AND WHITE CHECKERED SUSPENDERS, STANDING OUTSIDE IN FRONT, WITH A TWENTY POUND PLASTIC HAMBURGER REPLICA, IN 90 DEGREE WEATHER. YOU CAN IMAGINE, THAT LASTED A WEEK AND I GOT THE HELL OUT OF DODGE. " DREW " I CAN RELATE, I WAS DRESSED AS CHIPPY THE TACO FOR THREE MONTHS. JACK (LAUGHING) " THAT WAS YOU. MAN U GUYS HAVE THE BEST TACO'S IN MIAMI. (PAUSE) SO YOU WERE A ROAD WARRIOR TOO. IN MY OPIONION MOST DEGRADING JOB U CAN HAVE. STANDING OUT THERE PIMPING YOURSELF OUT FOR THE MAN. WHILE HE REAPS IN ALL THE PROFITS. DREW " I KNOW. " angle to- both now have sort of an expired expression. receptionist looking around the room. RECEPTIONIST (LOUD) " DREW GREEN AND JACK HAMMER, LOIS WILL SEE YOU NOW. DREW " THATS US. " JACK " LET THE GAMES BEGIN. " rear view- drew and jack get up looking at each other with curiosity. head to the back room. office in the middle, a red head middle age woman waving them over. reminisant of a high school librarian, kind of nerdy with glasses. LOIS " JACK, DREW, COME IN, " HAVE A SEAT. YOUR PROBABLY WONDERING WHY I CALLED BOTH OF YOU IN AT THE SAME TIME. " JACK " YOUR CASTING FOR AN ALL MALE GAY PORN FLICK, AND YOU WANT US TO PLAY THE LEADS. " LOIS " CUTE, BUT NO.(PAUSE) YOU BOTH WERE DISCOVERED BY HARRY. GOD REST HIS SOUL, HE'S NO LONGER WITH US. DREW ' MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED." LOIS " HE HAD AN ACCIDENT AT HIS OTHER JOB. HE WAS TAKING CARE OF A ROACH INFESTATION AT THIS SWEET OLD BLIND LADY'S HOUSE. AND SHE ASKED HIM IF HE CAN HELP FIND HER MISSING CAT WHOM SHE THOUGHT WAS IN HER NEARBY BUSHES. . AND HARRY BEING THE NICE GUY THAT HE IS. SAID HE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT. ONLY PROBLEM IS, IT WAS GETTING DARK AND HARD TO SEE THRU THE THICK BRUSH AND HELL IF IT WASN'T A HOUSE CAT EITHER." close up- (FLASHBACK)- Harry Cormac bent over on his knee's infront of the bushes carefully brushing aside twigs and leaves. sweet old blind lady on her front porch waiting for results. harry only able to see the creatures glowing green eyes. HARRY CORMAC " HERE KITTY, KITTY. DONT BE AFRAID. " PANTHER " GROWLING " HARRY CORMAC " GEEZ, LADY WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN FEEDING THIS CAT." angle- big ass panther jumps out and mauls and chews up poor Harry to peices. OLD LADY " JINXY, BAD KITTY DONT SNAP AT MR. CORMAC. GET IN HERE. " close up- panther after devouring harry. softly walks over to its owner, licks her and goes inside the house.(END OF FLASHBACK) LOIS " WE WANT TO SORT OF DO A DEDICATION FOR HIM. AND ONE WAY WE WANT TO DO THAT IS ,YOU TWO BEING HIS ONLY CLIENTS AND ALL, WE WANT TO FIND YOU WORK AND GET YOU STARTED ON YOUR FIRST BREAK INTO SHOW BUISNESS. HOW DOES THAT SOUND? " DREW " GREAT, WHEN DO WE START? " JACK " YEA, IM READY RIGHT NOW. " LOIS " SLOW DOWN, MICHELIN TIRE MAN. "(PAUSE) SINCE HARRY'S NOT HERE ANYMORE, IM GOING TO SET YOU UP WITH STAN MCGEE HE'S AN AGENT OUT IN LA WITH OUR SISTER COMPANY. I TOLD HIM ABOUT YOU GUYS. HE ALREADY HAS SOME PARTS FOR YOU IN SOME COMMERCIALS. DREW " LA ? WE GOT TO RELOCATE TO LA?. " LOIS " IF YOU WANT TO MAKE IT IN THIS BUISNESS YOU DO. close up- Drew looks a little worried. jacks happier and more excited than a chinese guy trying to use a penis pump for the very first time. turns around looks at drew.(DREAM SEQUENCE) geeky chinese guy pumping away with furious speed CHINA MAN " HOW U LIKE MY BIG EGGROLL NOW, BEEEIITTCCHH angle- (end of DREAM SEQUENCE) JACK " AWSOME, WE CAN STAY AT MY UNCLE'S APARTMENT OUT IN SAN FERNANDO VALLEY. MY DAD HASN'T SOLD HIS PLACE YET, SINCE HE PASSED AWAY.(PAUSE) YOU GOT WHEELS? DREW " UM YEA, BUT.. JACK " ROAD TRIP, WE GOT TO DO THIS MAN. ITLL BE AWSOME LA BABY!!!. " DREW " FUCK IT, LETS DO IT!! " angle- lois looks at both of them like thier in way over their heads and its probably a disaster waiting to happen. LOIS " GOOD LUCK GUYS, YOUR GONNA TO NEED IT. " fade out- END OF ACT 1 ACT 2 EXT-SHOT-DAY-MIAMI fade in- outside his house, Drew packing up his nova to the brink. Jack and Bess outside around the car. Bess dressed in her typical slutty fashion. Jack eating a huge submarine sandwich while staring at Bess's ass. Drew putting the last of his luggage in the trunk trying to slam it shut with his whole body, it being packed so tightly. BESS " IM GOING TO MISS YOU DREW. CALL ME WHEN YOU GET UP THERE. " DREW " THANKS AUNTIE, AND THANKS AGAIN FOR GIVING ME SOME MONEY FOR THE TRIP. COULDN'T HAVE MADE IT UP THERE OTHERWISE. " BESS " OF COURSE DARLIN, BE CAREFUL. AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DONT CHANGE WHO YOU ARE AND GET CAUGHT UP IN ALL THAT CRAZY HOLLYWOOD SHIT.(PAUSE) DONT WANT MY DREW STRUNG OUT ON CRANK AND GETTING SOME NASTY SEX DISEASE, BECAUSE YOU WERE TO FUCKED UP TO REALIZE THAT YOU WERE FACE DOWN IN COURTNEY LOVES HAIR PIE. " DREW " AUNTIE, ILL BE FINE. AND PLEASE STOP WATCHING TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY. " JACK " MISS BESS, DONT YOU WORRY. ILL KEEP AN EYE ON HIM. MAKE SURE HE STAYS OUT OF TROUBLE." BESS " HEY OPIE, FAT ALBERT CALLED, HE WANTS HIS BODY BACK. JACK ( IMITATING COSBY) " HEY HEY HEY " BESS " DREW, WHO IS THIS EXTRA LARGE SPECIMEN, AGAIN? " DREW " BE NICE AUNTIE, THIS IS JACK, WERE GOING TO BE ROOMIES IN LA. " angle to- Drew kisses auntie on the cheek and a hug. Jack has his arms out waiting for his hug from Bess, but it never happens. Drew and Jack get in the car. When Jack gets in, the whole car shakes and leans a little bit on its side. Bess waving. BESS " BYE, GOOD LUCK. " fade out EXT-DAY-ON THE ROAD fade in- front shot- Drew and Jack in a sureal state of mind. long stretch of highway. cascading landscapes as they pass through, and into Texas, almost half way there. montage song of Jackson Brown running on empty fills the airways. rear shot- back of nova, the filthy smog still coming strong out of the tailpipe. Car tilted on one side almost scraping the street. DREW " I STILL CANT BELIEVE IM DOING THIS " JACK " ITS CRAZY, DUDE. I KNOW. " WERE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS RIGHT. WERE GOING TO GET PAID, LAID RE-LAID AND PARLAYED MY FRIEND." DREW " I HOPE SO. " HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE THOUGH? " JACK " CONFIDENCE DREW, THAT AND ALOT OF LYING. YOUR NEVER WHO YOU REALLY ARE. YOUR WHO THEY WANT YOU TO BE. BY THE WAY IM KEVIN JAMES COUSIN, IF ANYONE ASKED. " DREW " GOTCHA, LET ME THINK (PAUSE) OK, IM SAUL ROSENHOUSE THE NEW YIDISH MOVIE PRODUCER EXTRORDINAIRE." JACK " NOW YOUR GETTING IT, ALTHOUGH YOU MIGHT NEED TO LOSE THIS JUNKER YOU CALL A RIDE. SAY HELLO TO ARMANI AND BLING UP A LITTLE. THE CASIO WATCH AINT GOING TO CUT IT EITHIER." DREW " HMM, IM A DISTANT RELATIVE OF STEVEN SPEILBERG, JUST TRYING TO MAKE IT OUT HERE ON MY OWN IN HOLLYWOOD. WITH JUST MY SMILE CHARM AND GOOD LOOKS. JACK " BINGO, MUCH BETTER.(PAUSE) HEY BY THE WAY IF I FORGET, REMIND ME TO REGISTER WHEN I GET UP TO LA . DREW " REGISTER?? " JACK " YEA, TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT. THEIR WAS THIS GIRL ONLINE AND I THOUGHT SHE WAS ROLL PLAYING THIS WEIRD SEX FETTISH, SHE WAS THIS FRESHMAN IN CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL WITH THE PLAID SKIMPY UNIFORM AND I WAS FATHER JACK. I FELL FOR IT HOOK LINE AND SINKER." angle to- (FLASHBACK) Jack walking up to the open front door, walks in, typical family style house. wrapped under one arm a blow up doll with an open wide mouth and cherry red lips. also with a green lime visor with a very large dildo pertruting out flapping around. and in his other hand a sex whip with alot of bristles. all while dressed as a priest. CHRIS HANSEN " HELLO, PLEASE HAVE A SEAT. IM CHRIS HANSEN FROM TO CATCH A PREDATOR. " JACK " I DONT KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE, BUT IF WERE GOING TO BE TAG TEAMING, I GOT TWO RULES. NO CROSSING OF THE SWORDS AT ANYTIME. AND TWO. I GET FIRST DIBS ON THE ASS. front shot- (END OF FLASHBACK) Drew with a blank expression. small texas town, they stop at sleazy motel. seen is a rundown country bar across the dirt road. EXT-DUSK- TEXAS JACK " WELL, THIS PLACE IS AS GOOD AS ANY TO STOP FOR THE NIGHT. " LETS CHECK IN AND HEAD OVER FOR A FEW BREWSKIES. " DREW " OK, BUT I STILL THINK WE SHOULDV'E GONE THROUGH TO THE NEXT TOWN. YOU KNOW, WHERE CIVILIZATION IS. " JACK " YOU WORRY TO MUCH DREW. WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF ADVENTURE. RIGHT HERE, IS THE HEART LAND OF AMERICA. GOOD OL TEXAS TOWN." angle to- motel looked to be built in the old western era. except for the neon sign that has about every other letter burned out. has an outside walk up window to check in, like your buying movies tickets or something. man in the window who is as ugly as you can be, with a tooth pick just dangling from his bottom lip. right cheek expanded out with a huge glob of tobacco. spits huge juices out at any chance he gets. DREW " HI, WE WOULD LIKE TO GET TWO SINGLE ROOMS. " EARL (SPIT) " SORRY PARTNER, ONLY HAVE ONE ROOM LEFT." overview- drew looks around to see no cars or anyone near the motel. silence. except for the sound of crickets chirping. JACK " ITS ONLY FOR ONE NIGHT. WE CAN MAKE DO. " DREW " FINE, WHATEVER. " EARL (SPIT) " YOU BOYS AREN'T FROM AROUND HERE, ARE YOU, WE DONT GET ALOT OF CITY FOLK IN THIS TOWN. " DREW " FROM MIAMI, JUST PASSING THRU. " EARL " SURE YOU YALL ARE. " JACK (POINT) " IS THAT PLACE GOOD TO GET A BITE TO EAT. " EARL (SPIT) " BEST RATTLESNAKE IN TEXAS. " angle- drew and jack look at each in a what the fuck expression. they pay earl and start to head across the way to the bar. ( slow motion) dust swoop up as they cross the dirt road. a handful of tumble weeds pass by them. the theme from the good, bad and ugly is playing. INT-NIGHT-COUNTRY BAR front view- drew and jack side by side swing open the old style wooden saloon doors. garth brooks playing on the juke box comes to a screeching halt as every cowboy in the place including the bartender turn around to stare at them. after a few moments garth is back playing. drew and jack make it to the bar a little bit precariously. bartender looks unamused. JACK " SO WHATS GOOD ON THE MENU " BARTENDER " RATTLESNAKE " JACK " OK, WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE " BARTENDER (EYEBALLING) " RATTLESNAKE " JACK " RATTLESNAKE IT IS THEN, WELL DONE IF YOU COULD." DREW " TWO AMSTEL LIGHTS ALSO PLEASE. " over view- music comes to an abrupt stop again, and menacing stares all around. DREW " I MEANT TWO BOTTLES OF YOUR FINEST TEXAS SHINER. " overview- back to normal. a little time passes. BARTENDER " HERE YOU GO, (PAUSE) RARE. close up- rattlesnake on a platter with the head and tail still on. the bodies skin, peeled off. Jack looks at it reluctantly, closes his eyes and goes at it like their the best bbq ribs in town. drew looks at him in awe. JACK " MMM, MMM, A LITTLE CHEWY, BUT TASTY. angle to- total mood change in the saloon. everyone now happy and festive. BARTENDER " BOYS, WEV'E BEEN DOING THIS RATTLESNAKE GIG TO EVERY OUT OF TOWNER THAT COMES BY THIS PLACE AND NO ONE HAS EVER GONE THRU WITH IT.(PAUSE) YOU HAVE SOME BIG COYHONIES SON. YALL ALRIGHT WITH ME. " angle to- cowboy patron's all come over slap Drew and jack on the backs. COWBOY PATRON #1 " ROY, ANOTHER ROUND FOR THESE BOYS. " COWBOY PATRON #2 " AND DOUBLE SHOTS OF WHISKEY, ALL AROUND. cut to- wild celebration, drew and jack join the crowd all doing the texas two step. they both have the line dance down perfectly. cut to- Jack riding the mechanical bull. one hand holding on, the other waving around in the air. smoke starts to exhale, and then the bull breaks, flopping to the floor. no one cares they still cheer jack on. cut to- all now dancing the macerena. hand, hand, shoulder, shoulder, head, head, hips and jump. cut to- huge crowd around the bar with jack and drew centered, all singing as loud as they can. all in a drunken stuper. arm in arm all swaying back in forth. EVERYONE (SINGING) " THE COYOTES WAIL ALONG THE TRAIL DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS THE RABBITS RUSH AROUND THE BRUSH DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS THE COWBOYS CRY KI-YIP-PEE-YI-A DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS THE DOGGIES BAWL AND BAWL AND BAWL DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS " cut to- drew and jack on a double bed in their motel room. drew has his head laying on Jack's chest. arms wrapped around each other both in thier boxers, no shirt. jack has on a cowboy hat. while drew has his newly aqquired cowboy boots on. both snoring loudly in a deep sleep. fade out CONTINUE SCREENPLAY ON NEXT JUNKET |
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