Chapter 2: New Beginning

First Day

I pulled my sleeve up slightly, looking at the faded white scars from many years ago. I rarely looked but on the plane with nothing but the silent hum of the engines and shuffling of other passengers, I looked down at them and remembered who Ashley was. I remembered everything.

“What is that?” Spencer asked, seeing that I had my arms showing. His eyes located the white lines that made their way across my bare skin and they widened in surprise.

I yanked my sleeve down quickly, not wanting him to see or press further the issue. “It is nothing, Spencer.” I closed my eyes and turned back to the porthole window, staring out with nothing more than the desire to break free and fly away from life. “Just things you will never understand,” I said quietly. I didn’t look back at him but my words made it to him and I knew he heard.

“Then help me to, Ash,” He said, pressuring me to tell him why I had secrets that I would never tell, wanting me to let go of my secrets, my past. He wanted to know who Ashley was but he would never know, could never know.

“No, Spencer,” I told him with a sad smile towards the window. It was too late to stop the thoughts of Trevor from coming back and they bombarded me, one after another until I was drowned in the pain of losing him. Unable to surface the waters that cascaded down upon me, I let the memories swallow me up.

Soon enough we passed through the clouds and hit the runway, pulling to a stop. I carried Clayton out and people continually stared, wondering if it was my child that I carried and the father who followed at my side. I ignored them until I heard one woman speaking rudely about us.

“Look there, Molly,” she said loudly, as if making sure I heard. “You see that girl there and the two boys? She’s a slut for having kids at her age. She’s only sixteen, or seventeen years old. You never want to be like her, desperate enough to have sex and get pregnant when you’re that young. How stupid is she?” The old mother continued, staring and pointing.

Molly, the girl that looked about Spencer’s age, at her side looked at me, her eyes wide. “What if they’re her brothers, momma?”

“No Moll, they’re her kids. See the resemblance in the eyes of all three of them? The boys are her kids. Slut, whore, you go home and die, you bimbo.” The mother looked at me and I looked back, my eyes lighting up with a fire that burned passionately.

I walked towards her, ready to confront her about how rude she was being to me and my half-brothers. “What are you saying about me?” I questioned her, anger seeping into my voice. My reflex action was strong.

“I was just telling my daughter about people who she never wants to become, people like you sluts who should really just die. What are you, a prostitute?” She smiled wickedly, her fake white teeth showing.

“Well, your daughter is a lot smarter than you are; she actually knows that these are my brothers. Of course I’ve made mistakes in my life, but my brothers, my family, they are not one of them. And you would do well to listen to your daughter more often.” I gave her one last glare before continuing along. I heard one last comment before I rounded the corner. The little girl was telling her mother off and flaunting that she had been right. I smiled, glad that Molly knew what she was talking about.

Exciting the airport, going out into the cold air, I saw Tom Logan – my father – waiting. There was nothing in the entire world that could compare to the way my air escaped my lungs in a gasp. He was the same as I remembered him, same eyes that smiled with a glow that could light up the world. I remembered them, remembered their eternal smile.

My father wasn’t the kind of person that broke promises, forgot about his kid, drank or smoked; he was the kind of dad that every forgotten child longed for. He cared for everyone and everything. I trusted and loved him more than anyone could ever know.

When I first went out of the airport doors and saw him waiting, my heart skipped a beat. His huge arms enveloped Spencer and me, dragging us closer to him. Even though Spencer wasn’t his son, he was treated like it. In my entire life, I couldn’t remember ever having felt happier. Tears glistened in his eyes as we embraced each other.

Tom finally spoke after the extremely emotional moment had passed. “How are you two holding up?” His enormous smile didn’t dim a bit even as he noticed the small baby I held in my too young arms.

“We’re great, really great, Dad,” I said, my smile still not fading, the tears still hot in my eyes, still not daring to disappear yet. Nothing could ever go wrong in my dad’s arms.

“Glad to hear it. And how is your mother?” He asked us, smiling hopefully towards us. Tom was always so concerned about everything, even those people who had left him for something better. Looking at the condition Teresa was in, maybe she should have stuck with Tom. She might have at least had a life.

Spencer looked at Tom and answered him, “Yeah, she’s good.” His blue eyes twinkled brighter than I had ever seen them before. It was as if a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders and he could finally breathe freely.

“Hm,” Tom didn’t sound like he believed us but he left the subject alone, taking our suitcases and putting them in the back seat of his ‘90’s Chevy tracker. “You can call me dad, you know,” He said, smiling at Spencer. “I really wouldn’t at all mind.” I knew that my dad wouldn’t mind at all if my half-brother called him dad. Maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t bug me if Spencer called my dad ‘dad,’ either.

“Okay… Dad,” he said, pausing looking at me to see if it was okay and I smiled, not knowing what else to do. Tom was the first father figure in Spencer’s life. At least it was an honest smile. I hadn’t smiled honestly in so long. The feeling was so new, so old, and so oddly wonderful.

“Is anyone feeling up for ice cream on the way home?” Tom asked randomly as we drove by one of the many ice cream shops on our way towards Easthunt. It was raining big wet drops when we finally drove out of the red and white ice cream shop.

It rained for the lesser part of the four-hour trip to Tom’s home. The wet that was being let fall turned to snow before half of the ride was over and it got cold in the Chevy tracker quickly. We turned the heat up and I found myself absorbing as much of it that I could in the small vehicle.

I spent most of the ride staring out of the window at the falling snowflakes and the golden-brown terrain. Most of it was covered in a blanket of white. The trees were greener than anything I remembered. The smile that played at my lips couldn’t be programmed to shut off no matter what happened. The pull at my lips was there to stay.

I couldn’t help but daydream of what Teresa would be doing. I couldn’t help but wonder how she was faring in the big city by herself now. I wondered silently, not wanting to disturb the sleeping child in the car seat that Tom had bought hastily in his excitement to have us living with him.

We didn’t talk much other than about the ice cream on the way back to his two-story house. It was a silent ride except for a few comments on our new schools as well; I would be going to the Easthunt High School – E.H.S. for short. Spencer would be going to the Easthunt Junior Secondary School. Generally though, it was simply called the junior.

One thing I noticed when we entered town, everyone seemed to know each other and be at ease. We went into the grocery store to pick up a bit of food for dinner that night. Tom hadn’t been expecting us so soon and in turn we needed to get more food.

I entered the big store, looking around at all the different rows of food. I smiled, walking towards the food that cooked the easiest and quickest. We would be eating cheesy noodles for dinner that night.

“Hey, there,” a voice said behind me. It startled me slightly and I turned to see who it was. His clothing looked expensive, brand name. The shirt alone looked like it was worth more than a diamond necklace. Even though he looked like a million dollars, nothing could ever compare to the smile that graced his face.

Though gorgeous and charming as his smile was, it wasn’t that which caught my gaze and held it. Beneath two sculpted eyebrows were the eyes, not just the eyes – his eyes. Those chocolate pools that managed to pierce the very center of my soul. They were his big brown eyes that saw through me like a piece of glass; the only two eyes in the whole world that saw my every movement, infected my every action, which I longed to see every day. I would never forget the way they held me, transfixed.

“Can I help you find anything?” He asked and I melted at the way his voice sounded. It charmed me to the core.

“No, thank you. I think I have everything I need,” I said, calmly trying to regain control of myself and my mind. “I’ll just be going now,” I told him, still unable to tear my eyes away from him. Finally pulling away, I went to pay for the cheesy noodles.

It didn’t bother me that it was snowing. It would be snowing for the entire time I lived here with maybe a rare break here and there. What did it matter though? We were away from Teresa and that was reason enough to live in the cold, white, flakes for a few years though I’m sure I could’ve handled forever.

I didn’t really want to do anything when we got the small three bedroom house that I would be calling home for the next two, maybe three years of my life. I didn’t even feel like unpacking to make the small room feel like my own. I left my clothes and stared out the window into the thick bed of white outside.

For the longest time I stood, simply looking out the big window and not moving at all. I didn’t want to move away from the sunshine that fell through my window in thick bands of glowing heat. Even though it was cold outside, I felt warmer than I had felt in a very long time. Deep down inside I was emanating a heat that hadn’t existed for me in many years.

For the first time, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel for me. My future didn’t have to be a mere glow, hiding in my mother’s shadow. I was free to do what I wanted now, with the exception of chores for the time being.

My view of the world had changed. It was as if the sun had turned from a sickly yellow glob of mucus crawling down the distant horizon, into a golden ball in a liquid-blue sky painting the world beautiful.

I slept for the first time in months and dreamed of perfect.

The next day wouldn’t be perfect, though. It was the day when I officially transferred into a new school and it wouldn’t be as easy as I wish it could have been. I would be the new kid, the little kids’ shiny object. I would be the new toy in the playground, the oddity, the freak. And they would treat me as such.

I honestly wasn’t excited about going to the new school. It wouldn’t surprise me if they had heard about me being suspended at my old school when my dad went to sign us up. I was only assuming that they thought I would be a trouble maker but it never hurt to be prepared for anything. It didn’t bother me that the teachers would hate me; I only really cared about whether the students liked me or not.

The school wasn’t hard to find. It was an extraordinarily small school if it could be called a school at all. It was really just an assortment of buildings. The last school I had gone to had more grade ten students alone than this school had total students. The small little detail made me smile and I wasn’t even sure why.

Tom dropped Spencer and Clayton off first the very next morning. I was pretty sure I could get the hang of where everything was in this small town. I quickly signed them in before heading off to get a ride to my new school. Tom had to go to work so he left immediately.

The building was warm and I relished in the heat. The cold mid-winter weather had me shivering even as I entered the delicate warmth. I didn’t want to go back into the freezing cold. I didn’t have a clue what the temperature was and I was too scared to ask. Either that or I just didn’t want to know just how cold it was.

I made my way to the office, finding it easily. A freaky silence filled the room as I took my first step, looking around at all the staring faces, eyes boring into me as I continued on. There were the smokers, and the people I swore I would never become again. Past that, there were the nerds and losers, bullies, popular kids, and a single pair of welcoming brown eyes.

I moved on, tearing my eyes away from those beautiful brown orbs that stared into mine. That single pair of brown eyes gave me the courage to move through the crowd, to place one foot after another and move on.

“Hi,” I said, looking over the front desk. “I’m Ash Logan, Ashley Logan,” I said, unwilling to give out my full first name.

She looked up, almost angrily, from her work but her voice was welcoming though it was rough and scratchy. “Oh, yes,” she said, “I’m the secretary for the school, Ms. White.” It hit me like a cold bucket of water; that was a bad name to have. “Your father came in a few days ago to sign you up. We’ve fit you into some classes.” She smiled handing me a map of the school. I found it really hard to get lost when there was only one building that I would be in for all of my classes. Obviously, the cafeteria would be the largest room other than the gym.

I did get lost even though I had promised myself that I wouldn’t do so. Even when I had studied the map before to make sure I wouldn’t get lost, I had to pull out the back multiple times to find out where I was going.

I was searching the map for one of my classes when I heard a voice talking to someone and I only assumed it was me. I turned to check but the velvety angels voice wasn’t directed at me at all. It was the tall guy with dark-brown hair and a perfect smile, from the grocery store, who was talking to a girl with long flowing blonde hair.

Her hair curled in golden strands and waved at people when she moved. She was perfect in every way; her hair, her face, her smile, her eyes, even the way she walked was too good to be true but it was true and she was real. There was something about her blue eyes that I recognized and yet I couldn’t put my finger on it. I couldn’t quite remember where I had seen them before.

It wasn’t her looks or even his looks that caught my attention. It was how amazingly beautiful the guy’s voice was. It was his voice that caught my attention and grabbed my eyes. It was his voice alone that forced me to stare with a gaping mouth.

Another voice dragged my attention back to what was happening. It was one of those average guy voices, kind of like tasting bad food after feasting on the world’s greatest meal. The other voice was not the voice of Spencer or anyone familiar, but that was probably because it was a new town. I only recognized the face of the guy from the grocery store that I had seen the day before.

“Hi,” It was a male voice, deep and, in its own way, calming. “I’m Caleb Oliver, you must be Ashley Logan?” He smiled warmly, extending his hand.

“Yes, that would be correct, I am Ashley Logan,” I said quietly, taking his huge hand and shaking it. “Call me Ash, please,” I requested firmly, making sure that he understood ‘Ashley’ was never to be used.

His hand alone was probably bigger than Tom’s. I wanted to look back to check if the guy with the beautiful voice was still there. I didn’t though. I tried to pay attention to what Caleb Oliver was saying but didn’t have much luck as he babbled on and on about how he was going to math ten and about how many times he had failed it.

He was overly friendly as he asked his questions about where I had come from and why I had moved. I tried to avoid his questions about my reasoning to moving to one of the colder towns from one of the warmest cities. I tried not to answer too many questions, knowing that would probably get the same questions many times. I might as well answer a crowd rather than individual questions.

He asked which class I was headed too and I just gave him the number, still scanning the numbers that were on the doors. He explained that we weren’t going to be in the same class but offered to walk me there anyways. I accepted his offer, glad that the overly helpful teen knew where I would be going.

We began our trek through the building. He pointed out where some of my other classes would be and I nodded, trying to remember for later when he wouldn’t be there. Sadly, I didn’t really think I would remember for when the time came to know. I would probably still be looking at my map of the small school by the time the day was over.

Caleb pulled open the door, and entered. There weren’t many students in the class but there were enough to raise hairs as I was stared at. I went to the teacher first then was directed to and empty seat at the back of the class. For the first time in a long while I was extraordinarily thankful to the teacher; he hadn’t made me stand in front of the class to introduce myself. I made my way carefully to the seat he had directed me to and sat down. I took two quick glances at who would be sitting on either side of me.

My English partner wouldn’t be anyone I knew, so I consciously decided to check who it would be. His name was Jesse Martin and I introduced myself right away, not wanting to seem rude. I checked who was on the other side of me. One of the other girls beside me had and name tag on. Emilee Abigail it read. So old fashioned. I hoped that I wouldn’t have to wear a name tag all day. The majority of students at my old school made sure that they were in style; in Easthunt everyone wore what they wanted to. Either that or they wore what they thought was in style.

The girl with the name tag turned to me. “Hi, you’re Ashley Shelby,” She said it more as a statement that a question. She had that tone of voice that hinted that she was better than everyone else. I treated her matter-of-fact statement like a question though.

I sighed, looking at her. I didn’t consciously decide to play along but it just sort of happened. “Yeah, how the heck did you know?” I feigned excitement that she actually knew my name. The whole town was probably waiting for my arrival. I was the big city, bad girl, coming to a small town to vandalize everything and cheat everyone out of their little rays of sunshine. My reputation probably made me the most egregious student they had ever enlisted at the school.

She smiled holding up her hot pink cell phone. It wouldn’t surprise me if she thought that the hot pink was style. Pink was out a long time ago. “I got a text message from a friend whose mom runs the D. We keep in touch.”

“D?” I asked her, not quite sure what she meant by the small town talk. I had a pretty good idea what it could mean but I didn’t want to look like a fool if I got it wrong. Daycare, I imagined her annoyingly high-pitched voice saying. My mind even went ahead and added the duh. I shook my head, bringing myself back to reality.

“Daycare,” she said, her tone adding the unvoiced ‘duh.’ Her smiles were extraordinarily fake and I could tell that she didn`t mean a thing she said. “By the way, I’m Emilee, and you, you better stay out of my way.” She gestured to one of the boys at the front of the classroom. “He’s mine.”

I recognized the boy she had gestured to as Jesse who was talking calmly with the guy with the angelic voice. I shrugged off the threat. Who was she anyways, threatening me especially on my first day of school like that? I was slightly angered but then remembered my assumption about the suspension thing with the teachers. The teachers had probably lectured the students about how I had gotten suspended and that I was probably a druggy coming to ruin their town. I laughed in spite of myself. I really was the big city, bad girl.

“Oh. Well, my name isn’t actually Ashley Shelby, its Logan. Ash Logan,” I told her, performing one of my best fake smiles that I had used multiple times with my long forgotten mother. Even though it had only been days ago when I had gotten on the plane and left, I hadn’t really thought of her. For a moment I thought of Teresa; this girl reminded me exactly of her. She was kind of stupid but had that really popular kind of look and attitude.

My first block teacher’s name was Mrs. Gangne. I had never experienced such a brutal class. I could have sworn that she was the world’s worst teacher. She dragged on and on about how this and that, never actually teaching any of the work so it did surprise me when I heard that the principal’s name was Mr. Gangne. He was probably the only reason that she was still teaching there.

That first day of school went slowly. Only a few of the teachers made me introduce myself in front of the entire class like preschoolers would. I couldn’t remember anyone’s name and the teachers kept getting mad at me when I wasn’t following along. Obviously, my theory about getting suspended was turning out to be right; all the teachers treated me like a trouble maker. I really didn’t care about that though. I had had enough teachers in my lifetime hate me and so that was no big deal.

I met a few more people. I knew there was an Aimee Grace but I couldn’t put a face to the name. Emilee Abigail was the one in my English class. There was a whole group of girls who’s last names ended with ‘ee.’ I remembered the guy’s names because they were all so different. There was a Jesse Martin, Aaron Andrew, and Levi Carter. Caleb Oliver, the first person I had met that day, helped me out all day. He showed me where all my classes were and walked me there. Also, I could’ve sworn that the girls’ parents all got together to pick names. The last two letters of their first names were always the same.

It wasn’t much of a class compared to the near-fifty student classes back home with Teresa. Could that be considered a home though? I was living with Tom so it really couldn’t be considered my home. I hadn’t really thought of living with Tom as being my home. I still considered the big city I had left, even though I had left there forever; at least I hoped it would be forever.

By the time lunch rolled around, I had most of the names memorized, having had to get my new fellow mates to reintroduce themselves multiple times. The only people whose names I didn’t forget were Caleb Oliver and Emilee Abigail. They were like opposites and that was one of the main reasons I remembered their names.

Caleb was waiting for me outside the door of my last class before lunch, which just happened to be gym. I didn’t know how he knew where I was but he was just standing there waiting for me. That didn’t bother me though. I needed a personal tour guide; I was too stupid to figure out how to use the map of the school. He guided me to the cafeteria without any prompting at all from me. I tried to follow along and guess where we were going from where we were coming from but in the end I gave up, having guessed the entire opposite end of the building.

We entered the cafeteria stealthily and I didn’t get stared at quite as much. Only people within a radius of about two tables stared. I wasn’t really hungry so I only wanted got apple juice. I waited for Caleb to finish paying for his meal which only included about three steaks, two apples, salad, a piece of pizza, and a very large slice of pie for dessert.

I felt my eyes widening though I didn’t exactly control the motion. “Are you going to eat all of that?” I asked, unable to help myself from the curiosity that burned inside.

He nodded and I suspected that he ate the same meal every day.

“Ashley,” came one girls voice from half-way across the cafeteria, “Come sit with us,” she said. I didn’t recognize her at first but after a carefully going through my memory of faces, I recognized her. Emilee Abigail. She was with all of the other ‘ee’ same-last-two-letters-of-the-first-name people. I was pretty sure that their parents had gotten together to pick names now.

I sighed, looking at Caleb. “I guess I should go sit with them,” I told him resentfully. I didn’t really want to sit with them but it didn’t seem like I had much of a choice. They would probably hate me if I didn’t. Even though I was used to being hated, I never really did like it.

“Yeah, I guess you should,” he replied, catching the resentful look on my face and asking, “do you want me to come with you?” His smile was a sincere one. It was probably one of the first sincere smiles that I had seen since I had last seen my dad, nearly seven years before.

I shook my head and smiled back at him. This was something I would have to do by myself, yet I was almost even more grateful for his overly-helpful attitude. Maybe I should have been scared that he was being so nice but I was just thankful. I sighed, paying for the juice that I had grabbed and began walking over to where all the ‘ee’ girls were sitting. My new friend, Caleb, followed not far behind me.

I started thinking about my name and the ‘ee’ girl’s names. They might have changed their names to all have ended with ‘ee’ so they could be considered different and cool. In a town this small, maybe they could even be considered popular. I laughed again at the thought. They would probably invite me into their little group and tell me that I would have to change my name to Ashlee to fit in with them. I laughed again just as I got over to their table.

I wouldn’t change my name though; I would always be Ash Logan.

“Hey, Ashley,” They all said at slightly different times but overtop of one another. I recognized Emilee immediately; she was sitting at the end of the table, almost as if she was their leader and I was almost sure that she was. She could have been the way he held her head so high and the way she looked down the tip of her nose as if she were looking down upon the world.

“Please call me Ash,” I told them, “I don’t want to be called Ashley.” Again, I remembered the bad history of who Ashley was. Ash was a different person and she had a clean slate. She was free to live.

“So, you are the new girl?” Emilee said in her own bossy voice. She screeched like an annoying bird to my ears but I let that thought get no farther than the very tips of my own ears. I kept thinking of mean metaphors and similes of what kind of animal she sounded like but never mentioned anything. I was too accustomed to getting out insults that I didn’t even have to really think about them anymore.

“Yes,” I said as I twisted the lid of my juice off slowly. I took my first sip carefully, waiting for any of them to start asking me questions. I sat waiting for their next interrupting words but they didn’t ask any more as they all began to stare at one person who had just entered the cafeteria. I wasn’t sure if I should check behind me to see who it was but curiosity got the better of me and I had to look. I couldn’t help but stare, too.

A gorgeous boy had just walked into the cafeteria and I recognized him from when I had heard and seen him at the grocery store. He had dark brown, nearly black hair. His hazel eyes seemed to glow and smolder. I could tell that much even from the distance where I was sitting. The way they boiled beneath his perfect eye brows made my stomach lurch. He smiled at some of his friends and caught the football that they had just launched in his direction.

In chick-flick movies whenever the girl sees the guy she is supposed to end up with, it is like everything happens in slow motion and my world was going in slow motion that moment when I saw him walking into the cafeteria. He threw a glance in my direction and my heart literally skipped a beat. It wasn’t every day that I saw someone like him and even more rarely that they just happened to look at me.

He wore a thickly stripped shirt that complimented his every move. It was two shades of gray that seemed to move with his body. He was probably one of those perfectly sculpted models that had the attitude that pretty much read ‘I’m obsessed with my body.’ He joined his group of friends at one of the far tables and began talking with them.

I turned to the ‘ee’ girls who were all still staring and giggling with each other about him and how positively hot he was and he really was.

I had to force myself to jam my mouth shut to stop from my intense ogling. “Who is that?” I wondered out loud. They would probably think I was an idiot for not knowing but I really didn’t care at this point. I had to know who he was. He was so gorgeous.

“That,” Emilee paused, momentarily caught up in his beauty. “That is Kyle Ryder.” She smiled, letting the word role off her tongue like a surreal taste and I’m sure the name she was said was a fairytale taste. “And one day I’m going to be Mrs. Emilee Ryder.” She smiled at the Hollywood thought.

The rest of the ‘ee’ girls burst into a hysterical laugh. Their laughs were mingled with ‘no’s and ‘it’ll be me’s.’

I tried to pay attention to what they were saying for a while but couldn’t focus for long enough to follow the turns the conversation was taking. I laughed with them for a while but didn’t join the conversation; I had once again begun staring at Kyle. For a moment, he looked at me and our eyes locked. A smile split across his face, as if he were saying ‘welcome to our school.’ He was the first to give me that smile. Blushing crimson red, I looked back down at the table, still smiling like an idiot. My table had gotten unusually silent when I finally dared to look back up.

All of the ‘ee’ girls were staring at me with questioning eyes. I knew what they were going to do so I just sighed, “Ask away.”

Suddenly the table got all loud and I couldn’t even make out one word of what they were saying to me. Their words were tumbling over top of each other like grass roots trying to be the first into the ground. The babble got so loud and uncontrollable that I finally gave up trying to understand one of them at a time.

I sighed, still trying to decipher on voice from the next. I had to nearly shout to get them all to hear me. They all stopped immediately as if it was an emergency phone call and it could have been. We all stopped speaking to listen to his velvety angel’s voice even if he wasn’t speaking for long.

A voice I recognized immediately cut in. “Jesse!” The voice behind me sounded like irresistible juices coming directly from a newly picked fruit or honey falling straight from a bees nest; all fresh and lovely. It sounded like and angel speaking from the heavens. The voice was so soft and perfect, so adorable, so wonderful. It sounded like new velvet was speaking, like feathers falling from a clear-blue sky. The voice was so easy and flowing. It gurgled like a stream to me. For the first time in what felt a long while, I listened. I wanted to hear more of that caressing voice. “Catch this!” He launched the old football towards the group of friends that were coming toward him. The strong bands of muscles rippled underneath his striped shirt and portrayed the look of a model. They pulled in different directions and moved with him as he carried out his pass. Kyle Ryder had previously left the lunchroom and now reentered with another group of his friends. They were in between the tables tossing the worn out football and laughing. He was carrying the old, brown football that looked like school property when the group of friends still sitting in the corner decided to join the group Kyle was in and all stood up simultaneously.

Kyle’s smile could have told a whole story in itself without me having to see it. It was beautiful and tender. Friendliness layered his perfect, angel’s voice when he spoke again. In some ways he looked amused as he and his friends laughed at each other but the story of kindness that was written beneath his golden-brown eyes read simple care and love. Pure excitement filled his laughter as he continued to relish in the moment.

I pushed my hurt back down deeper into the great abyss where most of my deepest, darkest secrets were hidden. I pushed it down into the dark hole where the near-historic story of my drug-addicted mother was hidden. I hid a new secret now, a secret that only I knew and wouldn’t dare let anyone else find out.

This secret was different though, it was forbidden. It was the one thing that I had sworn to never let happen. Never again, not ever after I had experienced the pain of Trevor. I closed my eyes, feeling the lump in my throat. I swallowed, pushing away the feeling of loss. Trevor. No, never again. I had promised myself.

It disappeared into the black hole again. I could never think of him without experiencing the pain of what I had done to him. And I had loved him, loved him like the brother he was, like the best friend he always would have been. That was when it all changed for me. I loved him but I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t change the past. I couldn’t bring him back.

I hated myself for that.

Emilee laughed as we all stared, open-mouthed at the one person who had stolen all of our hearts. A pull tugged at the corners of my lips and an odd feeling entered me; I was amused and smiling. I was laughing at all of the people who stared, like me and the ‘ee’ girls.

It was profound how much my life had changed in the short amount of time since I had left Teresa. It was for good. I was smiling again and perhaps even enjoying myself. Could the smile that wouldn’t dare come out when my mother was around be here to stay? I didn’t know quite yet but I knew that Kyle Ryder was the second most perfect guy on the face on the planet. I revised that statement, reminding myself that I couldn’t dare remember him, I couldn’t remember Trevor. I couldn’t think of him now, not with all these people. So, Kyle became the most perfect guy that I had seen in my seventeen short years.

I found it much easier to find my way to class after lunch because I knew more people and I remembered where I was going, somewhat. All of my classes were more fun to be in because I knew more people. Starting out the day hadn’t been so wonderful but by the time the day finished, I was almost completely at home with the people and the school.

I didn’t know how I was going to get home since Tom and I hadn’t really discussed where we would meet or even if he would pick me up. I decided that I would walk down to Spencer’s school and see if they were out yet. I assumed they were and began my walk. I had to sprint across the highway to make sure I didn’t get hit by any semi trucks or passing vehicles. It surprised me that there could be so many cars and trucks passing because it was a small town. I didn’t expect there to be this many people in this town at all but it was a pleasant surprise.

It didn’t take long for me to get to the Easthunt Junior Secondary where Spencer was waiting and staring out across the small street to see if my dad would come to pick us up.

“Hey, Spencer,” I called out to him, “have you seen Tom yet?” I continued walking until I was standing right next to him. “Have you?”

He shook his head, almost sadly but his voice was happy and excited, “Nope, I was just wondering if I should wait for him here to see if he came, or go and find you, or go and get Clayton…” His sentence dragged on and on, “or if I should just walk home, or wait for you.”

I sighed and waited for him to finish but he stopped as soon as the last of the air that had been my sigh passed through my lips. “I think maybe we should just go and get Clayton and walk home. We do live in town so it shouldn’t be a problem. We could call dad’s cell to tell him where we are too.” I interjected quickly, hoping that he didn’t think I was bored from listening to him but listening to my half-brother talk was like trying to understand a chicken, or cow, or pig; I tried and listened at first but then I just gave up.

He nodded. “Where’s the daycare though?”

I laughed loudly at him. “I think all of the schools are on the same road.” My laugh echoed nauseously in my own mind as I remembered Kyle’s angelic laugh. I felt the need to puke but swallowed the feeling quickly and began walking down the road with Spencer.

“You think this is the right way?” Spencer asked me nervously as we began our short trek to what I thought would be where the daycare was. “What if we get lost?”

Again, I couldn’t help but laugh. “Spencer, Spencer, Spencer,” I sighed humorously, “We are officially in the world’s smallest town, what makes you think we’re going to get lost?” I laughed again at my half-brother.

We quickly found the small daycare and found Tom there chatting away with one of the childcare workers. He was holding Clayton in his arms but still smiled at every word she said and laughed at the dumbest jokes. We walked towards him slowly and smiled awkwardly at him.

“Hey Dad,” I said nudging Spencer to do the same. He didn’t respond at first so I nudged him a little bit harder.

“Oh, right. Hey Dad,” He smiled as best he could without staring. It was hard not to stare though. Even I caught myself staring and had to turn back to my dad to make sure I didn’t.

The female Tom had been talking too was almost as graceful and beautiful as the female who Kyle Ryder had been with during the day at school. She had the same flowing, blonde hair that moved in every direction perfectly. She smiled a perfectly white smile that belonged on movie stars not small town daycare workers. The curls rotated slightly as she turned to Spencer and me. “Hello, Ashley, Spencer. I’m Ava Jay.” She smiled wickedly at us, emphasizing the ‘ley’ part of my name, as if she knew that it hurt me. “I was just talking to your father, Ashley,” she said, again saying the ‘ley’ part with strong emphasis. “It’s so nice that he could take in both you and your half-siblings.” She continued speaking the words rudely as if I shouldn’t have brought my family to live with Tom. It sounded as if she hated me for not leaving my half-brothers in the big city with my druggy mother. I didn’t understand why she would hate me for saving their lives.

“Yes, it was very nice that he could.” I tried not to glare viciously at her but found the task rather difficult. She shouldn’t have been talking about my family like that.

“Well, Ash, maybe we should head.” I heard Tom say. I didn’t respond at first but continued to glare at Ava. It was only seconds before I felt the same nudge that I had given to Spencer come back at me. I turned to my younger half-brother and nodded to him.

“I guess we should go.” My voice was tight with anger as I spoke. I couldn’t get it to relax even after we got out of the small building. Spencer grabbed my shoulder as I went towards the vehicle. He stopped me from getting in and waited until Tom couldn’t hear.

“Don’t push your luck too far, Ash,” he told me, his words were nearly whispered as he looked up at me. I nodded once again at him. My voice was locked away in the bottom of my chest with the anger that had been previously directed at the female who had dared to insult me for saving my younger half-brother’s lives.

We drove home in silence, for the longest time not speaking to each other at all. I had no words to say to either Tom or Spencer. Even though it was neither of their faults that I was angry I still could find nothing to say that would come out as a nice comment.

Dinner was silent as well except for the sounds of Clayton eating noisily. The whole house didn’t speak for the entire remainder of the night and I wasn’t even sure why we didn’t even after my anger had faded. Tom should have been happy, talking about his work but he wasn’t saying a word. Spencer knew better than to speak in a situation like that and so was silent the entire time.

Dishes got done and the whole house got cleaned without a word being said. I did the laundry and mulled silently over what was happening in our newly-changed lives.

A final sigh escaped my lips when I finally crawled into bed after my shower and turned out the lights. I had a feeling that there wouldn’t be any dreams tonight. Nothing could take me away from the real world now, not even a dream about Kyle.

I did dream though. I dreamt of Kyle and Trevor, who were the two people that I had learned to love with all my heart. I didn’t know Kyle and yet I cared about him so much more than I had ever known was possible.

I had promised Trevor that I would never fall back into the darkness of drugs and the splendor that they brought upon me. I had sworn to him that I would stay clean and for the sake of Kyle, I would do just that. With all my heart, I did not want to return to the place I had been before, using drugs and doing anything I could to get them.

I had promised.