Facing the truth

Change – that’s a word that I realised have been overused by everyone without fully comprehending what it means.  With my failing marriage, I get the same advice – ‘Both of you need to change’.  Honestly, what does that mean?  Do we change to adapt to each other or do we change so that one party is happy the other party is behaving the way he/she expects?  Would this actually work in the long run?  I am surprised nobody says that accept, adapt and endure is the essence to the marriage. 

On CHANGE, I realised that I do not know how to change.  I brought into my marriage what I know from my upbringing.  I am used to my mum cleaning whilst my dad cooks.  I never see my parents going on dates or hugging or kissing.  And I remember looking forward to weekends because we get to go out as a family.  As such, that moulded me to the wife/mother I am today.  No doubt, I also grew up looking at other families that are intimate or TV shows showing a ‘happy family’ and thought to myself “that would be nice” but am always told not to confuse reality and fantasy.  Hence, here I am doing exactly what my mother does – clean, nurture my child and cook for the family thinking that this is adequate and has performed my duties as a wife and mother.  In my fantasy, I thought that it would be nice to have expensive clothes, jewellery and going for facial/spa but in reality, I have also adopted my mother’s thriftiness and settle for simple and cheap lifestyle.  Now that I have a son, I put his needs ahead of mine.  This essentially comes across to certain people as not loving myself and I cannot be in a loving relationship if I do not love myself.  But I perceive it as loving my son unconditionally and making sure that he gets the best.  Is this perception due to different upbringing? 

Therefore when my husband talked about the 3 relationships that are lacking, it’s all very new and strange to me because my perception of a family is one that involves everyone in the family and not each one as a separate entity.  I then realised is what he wants a result of his upbringing or a result of his perceived idea of a marriage and family?

We all bring into a relationship our expectation and perception but most important we also bring along our upbringing and culture (in my case).  My expectation of a family is one happy laughing family that spend every moment together, my child waking up and jumping up and down in our bed, my husband adores both of us together that he feels like he is the happiest man on earth, the house is full of drawings/photos and colours from my child scribbling, toys scattered everywhere, etc.  In short, a perfect home but not a perfect house.  That is my perception which definitely is not inline with my husband’s so in this instance what does CHANGE entail? 

With my upbringing, I am not a lovey dovey intimate person.  Am I able to change who I am for the past 30 years or would it be better for us to adapt to each other’s personality and mould each other to let go of our inhibitions?  I admit that I am a mathematical person so in my decisions and life, I seem to view it as black and white.  Maybe if my husband ‘creates’ scenarios where I can release my inhibitions, it is helping me to change?  Similarly, I feel that my husband goes through life wearing a ‘mask/façade’ which he denies.  Instead of dwelling on the fact that he is wearing a ‘mask/façade’, maybe I should have also created situations for him to ‘unmask’ and let go of his inhibitions too?  I do not think this is changing each other but helping each other to adapt to each other’s lifestyle and expectation. 

The truth about reality and fantasy is obvious with my close friends.  I have known my few close friends for years and I trust them and know that I can rely on them completely.  But is our friendship the way I imagined it?  Completely the opposite.  I love watching Greys Anatomy and always find myself to be similar to Meredith.  I always equate my best friend to Christina and sometimes wonder how it would be like to hug my best friend, kiss her, have a sleepout with her and even to cry on her shoulders.  I have never done all this with my best friend but yet I will not trade all these fantasies for her because I know she is for real.  She has been there looming in the background through these years when I needed someone.  Maybe not physically but emotionally and psychologically. 

I can only bring into my marriage what I know from observation of my parents and family members and I am sure this applies to my husband.  However, I can bring into my son’s life a different perspective because I have been a child before.  I know I am easily disappointed when someone promises something and then change their mind.  As such, I do not want my son to experience that kind of disappointment therefore even though I am sick, if I have promised to take him to the park, I will do so regardless.  To some, this is a sign of weakness not being able to say no to my child.  To me, it is keeping a promise to a little one.  As a child, I remember I did not like the fact that there is a clear distinction between the adults and the children.  I grew up listening and taking the elders ideas/words as it is without much questioning because that was the way I was brought up.  The elders always know best but when you get too old and incapable, you get treated like a child again.  However, I knew that affected me so in bringing up my son, I remember telling him when he was just 2 months old “it’s your first time being a child and my first time being a mother, so let’s collaborate.  You work with me and I will work with you”.  So maybe to my husband’s perception, I adapt to my son’s whims and fancies but in fact, we are both learning to adapt to each other.  Maybe if I adopt this same principle in my marriage, things will be different?

My parents’ marriage has lasted over 30 years so has my husband’s parents.  I do not think there is a right and wrong way in a marriage / family but our parents just adapted and accepted each other for whom the other party is and the results are us, their kids, bringing their upbringing into our own life.  It is difficult to for two different people from two different upbringing, culture and educational background to live together, what more when there is a third person in the form of a child?  I just feel that each family/ couple is different and if we spend time wishing things were different i.e married couples with no children envy those with family and those with family envying the single carefree life of childless couple, there will never be true contentment or happiness. 

One point to ponder about living together is the hard work each party must contribute.  To illustrate, I cannot imagine living with my best friend even though we have known each other for decades!  I am sure we will fight but at the same time, I am sure we can also make it work if take a step back and adjust ourselves to each other.  From my point, I will adjust to her quiet nature and probably ensure that she gets her own space.  She will probably psyche herself up for my emotional craziness and not take to heart things that I might say or do.  That is not changing each other but accepting and adapting to each other. 

Through this process, I have also noticed that everyone of us has taken the role of Justice Pao.  We comment/judge based on our own yardstick which essentially is our upbringing.  Some of us think that just because we are smarter, richer, more successful, we are naturally a class above.  This applies in my relationship cause when I chose to give up my career to care for my child, I get conflicting support – one that supports my decision to SACRIFICE and one that is totally unsupportive  indicating clinginess to my child, laziness to work etc.  I appreciate friends and family that supported me and to those who do not support, it occurs that they are judging me based on their opinion/upbringing and never once really asked me why or try to comprehend my situation.  In their mind, I have dropped a class lower by not working therefore any decisions I make are of second rating.

The one thing I have learnt is people kept asking for changes and thinking that changes will improve things but what is CHANGE?  Change to suit one person’s yardstick and then offend another?  A friend asked me over the weekend whether I love my husband.  I answered him yes and also yes to the question, I would like to see this relationship work.  But these are just words and feelings which is inadequate to overcome our differences.  If for this to work, I have to change to conform to my husband’s upbringing, I am unable to do so and I am sure he would not like me to ‘change’ into someone I am not.  In my honest opinion, my marriage, my family could only be saved if my husband, myself and my son are willing to accept each other as we are.  My husband talks about the three different relationships but in my yardstick, I think if the three of us could stand united and think as one, we are already halfway through the battle.  So in short, my husband is looking for three different relationships within the family and I am looking for unity of three to merge as one -  who has to change to make this work?  Or adapt, accept, endure and respect are all needed to make this work?