The Forking

First I must preface this with the knowledge that this occurred late one night in the E.D. I was working with a fellow nurse who often would catch me off guard and cause me to laugh, I must say it was often at the most inappropriate time. Sometimes when you get tired, even nurses get silly like that.

Most times I was good, and could anticipate what was coming and get around an outburst. This night, I was not so lucky.

To start off the scenario a Pee Wee Herman type E.M.T. (Goofy, yet very serious about his report) comes to the desk. Excuse me ladies; I have a very delicate situation to report here. My colleague takes one look at him, and already I see her devious smile.

He starts to rattle on about the time of the call, and I hear both patients are stable as I see the first patient role through the door. It is a young man, all dressed up in a suit, moaning and holding his groin while lying on his side. My eyebrows wrinkle as I think, what the heck is wrong with him?

I hear my colleague whisper, you got to hear this one.

The door opens again and there is a second patient, a young lady. She is also moaning and holding her bloody head. As she goes past me I see symmetrical puncture wounds all over her forehead. Not big ones, tiny little ones that make a pattern of a short line. I have no idea what this is all about, so I went to Pee Wee to hear the report.

Pee Wee proudly and without a smile reports, "Subject number one was having a dining experience with subject number two. Apparently subject number two was providing fellatio to subject number one, while under the dining table. At such time subject number two proceeded to have a seizure. This has caused the multiple lumps and laceration to the top of her head. I looked confused and said, "What happened to her forehead, where there nails under the table too?" He stiffly answered back, "No Mame, that would be from the forking commenced by subject number one, as he attempted to get her off of his manhood."

I just couldn't hold back, a really loud 'BLAH' came out of my mouth! I immediately covered my mouth. Between the report this guy was giving, which I actually thought was funnier then the incident, and my colleague I didn't want to chance another outburst from myself. My colleague was turning red, like a beet, holding her breath to stop the laughter. She bent under the desk where only I could see her, so Pee Wee had no clue she was rolling with laughter.

Pee Wee was not impressed with my BLAH comment either. I apologized, telling him, "I am sorry, but I never saw a forking before." Again, my innocent forking comment encouraged my colleague to continue laughing so hard she had to crawl away from the desk, on the floor, to the utility room.

Thank God the patients didn't hear any of this. Needless to say this was an experience that I will never forget. My advice would be if planning this type of dining experience, plan ahead if seizure prone. A forking is one sorry thing to go around explaining post the fact. She must have had 40 fork pronge marks all over her forehead.

Plastic cutlery, spoons preferably, may be advisable.