Grieving the loss of a loved one

         There can be no right or wrong way to deal with grief.  As individuals we express ourselves differently.  If a loved one is moving far away, whether you like the decision or not, it cannot be changed. You will miss their company and be sad at the time of their departure and at other times such as birthdays etc, but you get on with your own life. You would keep in contact and you would hope to see them again.

         Death is no different. A loved one moves on, you express your sadness at the loss of their companionship and there will be times cherished memories will rise and you will give thanks for their life and it's affect on you. You know you will see them again, so live your life fully and lovingly knowing that is what they would want. When people die, the pain and suffering goes, so all they are leaving is love.

         Why do some people feel that the amount of pain and suffering they express, is representative of the love they feel? If you believe in heaven or spirits, and that those who have passed watch over you, then wouldn’t any extended grief and suffering you show make them feel responsible?  They are at last free of pain and yet have the pain of watching you suffer.  Is that really how you want to show your sense of loss or to express your love?  Surely it is better to celebrate their memory with happiness and love.

         My nana suffered greatly from cancer and fought death all the way, extending her life, not for her family, but because she needed to come to terms with her previously non- existent religious beliefs.  Every day I would travel 100 klms to sit with her, and we discussed death from every possible point of view. It was her choice of subject and I was happy to be able to do anything for her, even discuss what I wanted least.  She was a practical woman who had been a bit racy in her younger days and she refused to ask for forgiveness for what she called the ‘best damn days of my life’. 

         Those many days taught me a lot about the strength of the human spirit, the weakness of the human body and the power of a human’s ability to love.  So, what did I learn about death from my darling kindred spirit?

         I learnt that the best way to deal with loss and grief is - honesty.
         Be honest to yourself in recognising the truth of the situation, not what you want it to be. 
         Be honest in expressing your pain, anger, sense of loss.
         Be honest in accepting that the loss is yours not theirs, for they are at peace.
         Be honest in accepting you have a responsibility to that person to live your life to the fullest and happily.
         Be honest to acknowledge that their death does not take away the good memories that make you smile and cherish them.
         Be honest and know that grieving is allowed but self pity isn't.
         Be honest and remember, they are gone but you still have many people left who need your love, time and happiness.

         I also learnt not let grief stop me from enjoying my time with those that love me because my grief is their grief.

         Do I want my children to be racked by pain and suffering when I pass? 

         My children will see how death affects me and learn. Life will bring them their own lessons and I hope and pray that my strength and wisdom in celebrating the life of those passed, will give my children an example of how to celebrate my life when I am gone.