Recollections

It was a familiar scene to me because I had been here many times before. Standing in the beach house kitchen, dealing with the before, and the after. I never really imagined I would be here again. So many times I remembered him coming back, walking into this kitchen and seeing him again. It is a painfully sweet memory because it never happened. I wished so badly that it could happen, but I knew it never would because even if Caleb was there with me, I couldn’t see the angels through the demons in my life. Things have changed and my story changes with it.


I could hear his name being said over and over again. Each time they said it a shot of numbness went through me. I kept a steady flow of pep talk and slow even breathing going. “You can do this Drew. You’ve been through it, you didn’t go through this last year for nothing. In and out.” Sitting on the kitchen floor with my back to the cabinets and my knees curled up to my chest, I was preparing myself for the worst, of myself that is. Who knows how well I was going to fare but I was pretty sure I was going to be an emotional wreck for the next couple hours if he entered any further back into my life.
Everyone was in the living room, hugging I was sure, crying, laughing. I wasn’t sure why I was separated from the group; perhaps I had done it on purpose. The security of my knees close to my chest was comforting. I rested my forehead on my arms as I stared at the linoleum floor beneath me. I just listened. Someone said “She’s in the kitchen.” I knew they were talking about me. I was the only one who was not in the living room.
I knew what moment was coming. He was going to come in. What was I supposed to feel? I was angry of course, but I was so relived, so excited to see him again I didn’t know what to do. Which comes first, which is more important? My breathing became more ragged as my mind became more indecisive. I heard him walk up to the division of carpet and tile. His presence knocked the wind out of me. Just the fact that he was back, three years, three years, without him, my mind wasn’t connecting anymore.
“Drew.” He said, calling attention to his presence. I had forgotten how his voice had sounded. He had grown up with me. His voice sounded deeper and stronger. I rolled my head to one side to hear him clearer. But he didn’t say anymore. I heard him walk across the kitchen floor to where I sat. He knelt down to my level and was barely inches from me. Sitting there, being with him again was building up what had previously torn me down. He put both of his hands over me and put his head next to mine. He smelled good, he felt warm, Caleb was natural for me. Nothing was forced, it was easy as breathing.
I sat, he knelt, and we just were. I listened to him breathe. I had never paid attention to him breathing before. It was so cliché but true. All the romantic novels point out the fact that their breathing was so in sync and blah blah blah. Ours wasn’t. I was just enjoying the fact that he was back. “Caleb?” I asked quietly?
“Mm?”
“Don’t your feet hurt yet?” I said with a secret smile.
With a chuckle, and that big goofy grin, he got up and pulled me up with him. He had gotten taller, taller than me. He really did look great. I had missed him so much, and in that moment, it felt that the last three years had been worth it to see him.
He put both hands on my shoulders and looked directly into my eyes.
“Hi.” He said with a small smile.
“Hi.” I said with a trembling lower lip.
He looked really great. It was as if he had simply gone away for the last three years and grown with us. Just simple jeans and a grey t-shirt with some company name on it, he looked better than any Vogue cover I’d ever seen. His face was still the same. Same jaw line, freckles, and pretty grey-green eyes.
With a chuckle and a sigh, he pulled me close to him. Oh, and to smell him again was an attack on my defense I wasn’t prepared for. The floodgates opened and a few tears leaked out on to his cotton t-shirt. I wrapped my arms around his thick torso, spreading my palms across his back. He was real. Solid. Present. Not a figment of my overly wild imagination. He rested his arms across my shoulders and laid his head atop my mine. We both gave a contented sigh at the same time, which in turn drew a small giggle from me.
I could’ve stayed there for quite a while longer but the tears kept a steady flow and he now had a wet spot on his t-shirt.
“Oops.” Was my genius response.
With a small laugh, he drew slightly away. There was pain etched across his beautiful face. Pain that I couldn’t place. Slowly he dropped his arms from around me and took one of my hands. Lifting it with his, he placed them both over his heart. I could feel his heart beating under my hand. It was going almost as fast as mine. He really was alive. Not just a wish or daydream in my head, but he was here.
There was nothing I could do to stop the tears from welling over and coming a little faster. Reaching my other hand to cover my blotchy face, I started to sob. I couldn’t believe it, so long…so hard, he was back.
I stood there sobbing into my hand, tears and snot running down my disgusting face. I could feel actual, physical proof that he was alive. Here. With me. No one could call me crazy or a lunatic, but even if they did, I still had this moment, this moment where my personal miracle was back again with me.
Caleb’s hand never left mine as he held it against his heart. His eyes stayed locked onto my red and blotchy face. With his other hand he gently touched my hair, moving it out of my face and holding it while grasping the back of my head.
“Drew, I have to tell you I never—“he started, but didn’t get to finished because I started shaking my head. I wasn’t sure if I could do this. I had gotten this far, but a reason, the thing that I had demanded for the last three years, for some reason, the thought of hearing it was excruciating. I wasn’t prepared for a rejection and frankly I knew I couldn’t handle one, at least gracefully.
But even through my protest, Caleb went on. “Drew, honestly, you have to listen. You have to hear me out. I have no good reason for doing what I did. I never expected it to affect anyone so deeply. Especially you. I had no idea. It was one stupid decision that was the dumbest one I’ve ever made. You’ve got to understand, it wasn’t to hurt you.” His face was the perfect portrait of desperation and regret scrunched together between his eyebrows.
Minutes went by in silence. I couldn’t comprehend what he had said to me and I couldn’t figure out how to piece together the words that I was dying to say to him. He hadn’t moved at all. His hands were still placed on my shoulders and his eyes were still searching for an answer within me, and answer that I couldn’t give him quite yet. I felt very numb, like the hand covering my mouth still, wasn’t mine. My breathing was slow and ragged, I needed to intake more oxygen, fainting would not be the most opportune thing right now. I was in survival mode; I needed to get through this with him, but on my terms.
“Um, ok. I need to sit.” I said slowly as my mind kept racing. I bent my knees and lowered myself back to the kitchen floor; it felt cold and refreshing against my hot and feverish skin. He came down with me, sitting across from me so I could still see his face which hadn’t changed in expressions. With my knees once again curled up against my chest, I pulled my hands through my hair and tried to sort out what was going on and what I was hearing. He was sorry, he didn’t mean it, it wasn’t supposed to happen, and it wasn’t on purpose. That revelation alone, my eyes welled up and went over. Tears started rolling down and as much as I felt like an idiot crying right then, the tears felt like they made so much sense. He was sorry. It meant so much more than just that. It meant that he really did care.
Caleb sat patiently as I cried and mentally processed through thousands of thoughts. His face never changed the pain and discomfort stayed and got worse as my crying remained steady. I had missed his face so much. His hair, it was so distinctive and beautiful. His soft face, eyes. Those eyes, that didn’t leave because they wanted to, but because it was an accident. Those eyes still wanted to see me, look at me, love me.
With a deep breath, I figured it was time to break the silence. “So…it was an accident. You didn’t mean to do it.” It was the only sentence I could piece together, but I needed him to confirm the wild revelation that was going on inside my overloaded brain. “Right, Drew you’ve got to understand, I never meant for it to happen, it just did. God, if I had had a choice or didn’t do anything stupid than this never would have happened, I never would’ve broke you…because I know I did Drew. That hole that you’ve been trying to fill, I caused it, and I can never tell you how sorry I am.” His eyes were pleading with me, begging me to accept this apology.
I couldn’t deny it as much as I wanted to, there was a hole and nothing seemed to be able to fill it. It had been three years of trying to hold myself together and failing at it miserably. I was a visible mess, barely holding a grip on reality. Maybe Caleb being here wasn’t even real, maybe I was going mad. It wouldn’t feel like the first time I thought I was crazy.
Regardless if I was crazy or not, he was here and I wasn’t going to waste that time with him. I didn’t know how long it would last. The things I did know was that I still needed to talk to him, I needed to get my head straight, and I was pretty sure that I needed to shower.
“So, um, I need to grab a shower and change but you need to stay here so we can…talk, I guess.” I said hesitantly, I didn’t know how he would respond.
Caleb rocked back on his heels and stood up offering his hands down to me. As I took them and he lifted me up, he jerked his thumb to the back of the beach house, as if giving me permission to leave, and I shot out of there. Walking to the bathroom, I was in a daze. Would he still be there when I got back? Was this “talk” going to be as painful as I was expecting it was going to be?
It literally took me twice as long to shower because I had to consciously think about what I was doing and what I needed. I’m pretty sure that I ended up washing my hair three times and forgetting to wash my face. Rushing to get done, I pulled on my favorite grey sweats and black shirt. Not even bothering to run a comb through my wet hair, I started toward the living room. Peeking my head around the corner, I breathed a quite sigh of relief. He was still there. Sitting on the couch, leaning forward on his knees, my beautiful dream hadn’t gone away.
Walking out from around the corner, I went over to the couch and sat next to him. He leaned back and pulled me back with him as he put his arm around me. I’ve never felt safer, more secure, or more vulnerable at the same time.
“You smell good.” Caleb said.
“Yeah…a shower will do that to you.” I replied with slight sarcasm. I curled tighter into him. I wanted to talk to him, and I didn’t at the same time. I wanted to know how he was back, how long, why he had left, but I wasn’t sure that I could control everything that I wanted to say. Things that could hurt him and I knew I didn’t want that but I wasn’t sure if those things needed to be said or not. I was torn between what I wanted and knowing my own flaws. Caleb answered my question and made the choice for me.
“You said you wanted to talk.” He sounded hesitant, but still strong. As if he knew what was coming and wasn’t looking forward to it.
“Well yeah.” I looked up at him, the discomfort was obvious, but I was sure exactly why. I would have expected extreme angst and remorse for what he had done. Whatever the reason, I was defiantly going to find out why.
“Well I guess there is almost no point in asking how or how long your back, that could probably take forever.” I said and he responded with a small chuckle. Without looking at his face, I went on. “You said a while ago that you would have never done what you did, almost like it wasn’t your choice.” My hands sat in my lap, strangely still when I was freaking out inside. I looked up at him, I hadn’t exactly asked him a question but this was his opportunity to jump in.
His head was down, almost studying the hardwood floor beneath the couch that seated us. Drawing in a deep breath, he spoke.
“I think the key word in the phrase is that ‘it’s like it almost wasn’t my choice’, I still made the decision Drew. It is my fault and all I can do is take the blame for the immense pain that I’ve caused you for the past four years. Four years. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for that. “ He sighed and removed his arm from around me. Sitting up further and twisting himself to face me more clearing, he put both hands on either side of my face so I was looking directly into those swirling soft grey eyes. “I made the choice. I was the one who was responsible. Nothing you could’ve done would’ve prevented it. Nothing.”
He had made the choice. I was pretty sure he could say that eighty million times and I would still believe that if I had done some small thing, I wouldn’t have lost four years with him. But here I sat, listening to him. All I could still think about was that he was back. My mind was having a hard time registering what happened four years, it seemed like maybe I had made it all up, he was here now so what did it really matter?
He surprised me and went on, apparently he didn’t care about talking about this subject anymore.
“Drew, I never would have left you. I thought we had time, I’m sure you did too. It was unexpected and unplanned and completely my fault. You need to stop carrying this around with you because it isn’t your burden to bear.”
With a small whisper, I replied. “Then whose is it?”
“Mine.”
“Caleb, don’t you understand?” I replied with surprising gusto. “You are a part of me, if it’s your burden to bear, then it’s mine too. I’m not complete without you.” As I said it, I knocked down every wall he had up. He sat there, holding my face, completely immersed in my love, he didn’t have a choice. His hands became unsteady; I reached up and placed mine over his. Taking them down, he held mine in-between our trembling bodies. I didn’t know if people could actually suffer a coronary from being nervous but I was pretty sure if they could, I was going to. Strangely, as nervous as I was, I didn’t care anymore. He had been gone, and he was back. The very simple fact that he was back in my life, even if it was only for seconds more, gave me courage to do anything.
There were three words. Three words I wasn’t sure if even the courage would allow me to say. Once I said them, I gave him a perfect opportunity to leave again and leave me broken, I wasn’t sure if I could put myself back together after that.
“Drew.” He said after staring at are intertwined hands for a couple seconds, “I--, I mean--, why--,” I looked at him, unable to answer his unfinished questions. “I wish I had known, nothing could’ve made me leave you then.”
Slowly, he took his hand and placed in on my thigh, leaning forward he only looked at me. He only saw me. Running his other hand through my hair, he carefully and gently pulled my face closer to his. All I could do was look at him. I had missed those eyes so much. The strong curve of his jaw and rose touched cheeks, no picture could capture the way I had remembered him. I could smell him, his very essence was warm vanilla and spices, and it was intoxicating. With lips barely parted, I knew what was coming; I could taste his breath on my tongue. I lifted my hands up to his chest to brace myself for the emotional onslaught that was coming as soon as our lips met. We held for a moment, not even inches apart. Then he pulled my face into his and our lips touched.
Every memory, every moment crashed through my defenses as our lips met. Trading notes in the massive hills of Sonlife, riding to and from Bible study in the backseat of the van, and the day I found out he and left me. He pulled his other hand up to cradle my head as he softly kissed me. His lips were soft, gentle, almost as if asking permission. My hands reached up to grasp the back of his neck and take hold as I pulled myself closer to his embrace. Tears spilled over onto my cheeks but it didn’t stop me, I knew this was the best moment I could have wished for. He was here, he was back, and he was mine again.
Withdrawing from our kiss, shaking and blissful, I was almost in another world. It felt like all the things that could have gone wrong, he could’ve been away forever, he could’ve not wanted me when he came back, he could’ve hated me, all those things didn’t happen, he loved me. He loved me. Looking at him, his soft orange hair tousled from our embrace made me smile. His eyes only looked at me. He was also a bit breathless as we took a moment to regain composure. I loved him. I loved his smile. I loved his eyes. I loved his face, his hair, his entire being. I loved the way he treated me, I loved the way he tried even though he knew he probably won’t be able to do it, he did his best to make it as far as he could. I loved him.
He leaned back into the corner of the couch, opening his arm so I could easily slide into his casual embrace. Sitting side by side with him, I’ve never been more comfortable. I didn’t care anymore how he saw me because I knew he would love me anyways. I didn’t matter if I had a zit the size of Texas on my forehead or I hadn’t brushed my hair that morning, I knew he would love me in spit of that.
Drawing my knees up to chest and resting comfortably on the couch, nestled perfectly into his side, I was quite content to never move again.
“Drew?” He asked.
“Hum?” was my lackluster response. I didn’t even have the energy to make a full word.
“Do you ever wonder what could’ve happened if I never left? I mean, what we could’ve been. How did you manage? If I hadn’t been where I was, I don’t know how I could’ve.”
His question was a flashback to the previous four years. I could still recall the morning I heard he had left. I was heartbroken, I couldn’t believe it. It took me three years to acknowledge that he really did leave and wasn’t coming back. It took me the next year to begin to heal the hole that he left. The massive Caleb-size hole that I was sure would never shrink, especially on its own.
Sitting up to look at him a little better, I replied. “To answer your question, I guess I’d have to show you something. Follow me.” I got up and extended my hand for him to take. I loved the warm feeling of his hand around mine as he took my hand and I helped to pull him up from the couch. We made the short trip into my bedroom quietly and quickly. I let go of his hand and knelt down to reach under my bed and pulled out a lavender box. It was a sturdy box that looked as if it could hold many a trinket. I had graffitied all over the top, sides, and bottom with my Sharpie. Lyrics, phrases, and thoughts I’ve wanted to remember pertaining to Caleb I’ve recorded on the sides of his box. The long white satin ribbons were tied in a droopy bow on the top. Holding the box in my lap, I was slightly nervous to hand it to Caleb. The things that I had written were never meant for him to actually read.
Looking back at him with the box still in my lap, he just looked back at me with his head cocked in confusion. I figured, what could it hurt at this point. Handing the box to him, I said “Open it.”

He slowly untied the satin ribbons and opened the lid. I watched his face as he looked upon the letters I had written him. Four years worth of letters now sat in his lap. His face wrinkled and he looked back at me.

“What is it?” as if he couldn’t make the connection between the hundred white envelops and how I processed his absence.

“They are letters. Letters asking why you left, why I was here and you were gone. Mostly letters asking questions that I couldn’t answer for myself. They’re all to you Caleb, in some small way, I pretended you were still here. “ I said explaining the method to my madness.

(facial insert)
“Drew. Listen to me. I never meant to cause you this pain. If I had any idea of what it was going to do to you I would’ve done everything in my power to fix it. You’ll never be alone again Drew. You don’t have to go through this again because I won’t leave you. Best part of all, you don’t need this box anymore, because you don’t need to write me letters anymore.” With that, Caleb grabbed my hand and he helped me up from the bedroom floor. Leading me from the hallway and back into the living room, he turned and enveloped me into a hug. Wrapping his strong arms around my shoulders, he pressed his cheek against the top of my head. I fastened my arms around his waist and stood there while I enjoyed the moment. The feeling would never fade, being here again with him, it was a high that I’ve never experienced. With my body pressed close to his, I could feel his heartbeat, pulsing quicker than normal, almost as fast as mine. He was solid as I melted into him, I couldn’t help it.
I spread my hands out across his back, taking a firm hold as I hugged him tight. I was never letting go. Resting my head on his shoulder, I breathed in his essence. My heart didn’t hurt anymore, the massive crater that had been carved when he left had sealed itself and I was starting to feel whole again. I wanted to know what was going on in his mind. What on earth was he thinking? I could barely comprehend that after all this time, he was actually back. Was he dreading coming to talk to me? While I desperately wanted answers, a bigger part of me didn’t care. He was back, he said he wanted me, he said he past four years was a mistake, it wasn’t me. Out of all the dark and twisty issues that had gone on since he had left, I knew that I could trust what he said. At the same time, I didn’t know if I could trust myself. Could I trust myself to not become overly involved? To become too attached to him again? That, I wasn’t sure.
The seriousness of the questions running through my head worried me. I couldn’t get my head on straight, I needed clarity. Taking my hands from his back and withdrawing from the embrace, I said “Hey, I just need a minute. Ok? I’ll be on the beach.”

“Is everything ok Drew?” He asked with worry in his voice.

“Yeah yeah. It’s fine. I just have to sort some stuff out. I’ll be back, don’t worry.” With that I grabbed my iPod that was resting on the glass coffee table next to us and jumped out the sliding back door.
The cool salty breeze outside helped to clear my head. Walking down the wooden deck to the sandy stretch to the water, I put in my earbuds. Selecting a song and picking a suitable spot by the water, I sat and let myself pick apart every detail of the massive even that had just happened.
There were three things I knew, two I wasn’t sure about, and millions that I knew I would never find the answer to. Firstly, I knew Caleb was back, I didn’t know for how long, but I had touched him, felt him, therefore he was back. Secondly, I knew I wasn’t hallucinating. My family had seen him, his mother had seen him. He was real. Thirdly, and maybe the most difficult, I knew I still loved him. Seeing him again, as wonderful as it was…is….is going to be….either way, seeing him has its upsides and downsides. He left me once, will he leave me again? I wasn’t sure. Being able to talk to him, listen to him,… be with him, might be more than I was prepared for.
My mind jumped from problem to problem as I ran my fingers through the grainy white sand. Staring out into the crashing waves, it returned some normalcy that had been lost when my angel had entered back into my life. Sighing, knowing that I couldn’t answer all the questions and possible scenarios in my head, I got up and looked back towards the house. I laughed to myself when I saw Caleb standing by the rail of the balcony, looking out to where I was standing. Of course he would be watching as to where I went, I forgot what it was like to be protected.
I navigated myself over a dune and back to our wooden deck. Walking up the stairs, Caleb was waiting for me at the top.
“How’s the view?” I said with a smile in my eye and a laugh.
“It’s gorgeous.” He replied as I reached the top and he quickly enveloped me in another hug. Standing in his embrace, I was pretty sure that I could do this forever. It was such a calming sensation at one time, but it never failed to make my heart race. My head rested on his shoulder as he held me tightly. Looking out to see the sun perfectly over the waves, breathing in the salty air that was mingling with his sweet scent. It was perfect. That lingering dark cloud of doubt kept me company in the perfect moment. What if he wasn’t back forever, what if had to leave again? If that was the case, I know I would survive, and I wanted to do everything with him before he left. He didn’t know, I didn’t know, so we were going to make a safely plan. Do everything, no regrets, just us. I wasn’t sure what the entailed yet, but I knew the little steps to get there.
Drawing my head back, I looked into Caleb’s face with a smile…”Lets go out.”
With a chuckle, he replied “Okay. Where to then?” His eyes smiled, I missed that look.
“Um, I don’t care. Somewhere where I can hold you hand in public. Somewhere where I can kiss you in public. Somewhere where I can be with you.” I said.
“Alright then, this magical place should probably involve food too because I don’t know about you but I’m starving.”
I hadn’t even noticed the rumbling in my stomach. Food was just a second thought when he had come back.
“Okay. Be right back then.” With a quick touch of my lips to his soft cheek, I hopped back inside and tried to find out which outfit could possibly fit this occasion. Going with an upgraded version of my default (t-shirt and jeans) which translated into jeans and a nicer shirt. I chose the white lacy wrap shirt leaving my chestnut chair down to curl around my face. Grabbing my black European sandals, I snatched my purse and walked quickly back to the living room.
Caleb stood in the middle of the living room, hands in his jean pockets and looking through the books on the shelf. Wearing a striped button down with a crisp white t-shirt underneath, he left open to fly in the breeze coming in through the screen door. He looked to the side when I came in, smiling. I loved his smile.
“Okay.” I said, leaning down to slide on my last shoe. “Let’s go.” He walked over to me, still smiling and brought me up to his embrace.
“You look beautiful.” He said with his eyes sparkling. With that, he pressed his lips against mine. I loved his kisses. They were sweet, never the same feeling. I could kiss him forever as he held me gently and seemed to enjoy himself as much as I was in pure bliss. His lips felt cold against mine, there was something nerve-tingling exciting about his kisses. I wrapped my wrists against the back of his neck and let him hold me. It was hard to think of anything else but his lips against mine and our bodies pressed together. I loved running my fingers through the soft edges of his hair on the nape of his neck. My hand slide down from his neck to press against his chest.
I broke away from him, breathing heavily. He still had such a power over me, not to mention that the physical attraction could be a potential problem for self control. He caught his breath as I tried to slow my heart. Our faces were mere inches apart, he grinned. Straightening up, he said “I missed doing that” with an even wider smile.
I flashed a grin back at him, “Yeah…me too.”
Grabbing my purse and his hand, I headed toward the door.
“So will I know this mystery destination, see as how I am driving?” he said from behind me as we headed down the wooden stairs in front of the beach house. Looking down to the concrete driveway, I did notice the red blazer he drove.
“Well, I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.” I said with a flirtatious tone. It was great; I could flirt with him as much I wanted to and not worry. He was mine and I was his.
Walking around, I hopped into the blazer and situated myself. Even his car smelled good. I had missed the scent.