No matter what, Hallmark has my back

It all started in the checkout line of Target. As I patiently waited behind three customers, I looked over the things I was about to purchase: Laundry detergent, economy-sized bag of potato chips, coat hangers, garbage bags, and most exciting of all, a Paula Abdul workout DVD for $7.99. I began to daydream about all the new dance moves I would learn as a result of working out in my living room. There was even a bonus abs portion & music video. I had no idea that searching in the bargain bin of videos would result in such a glorious find!

Then reality hit. I was about to purchase a Paula Abdul workout DVD and the year is 2010.

The line was moving fast, and I was the next customer. Meanwhile, I noticed the guy working the register was extraordinarily good looking. I cringed. This man, this Brad Pitt of Target employees, was about to witness me purchasing a workout video that should only be acquired through an infomercial or online purchase.

The visions I had of doing lunges in a full body leotard and hot pink sweatband to “Straight Up” were suddenly masked by my pride. What was this guy going to think of me?

He gave me the it’s-your-turn nod and I moved up. I put the coat hangers on the counter first, then the box of garbage bags, then the DVD, and plopped the huge bag of chips on top of it as camouflage. I smiled at him, nervously and began whistling to the John Mayer Muzak playing overhead. As he scanned my items on the conveyer belt, the DVD quickly inching towards his grasp, I grabbed as many packages of gum as I could from the “last minute items” near the register and threw them on the belt. Trident, Double Mint, and Fruitstripe were my allies against humiliation. I then started grabbing several of the other items the rack had to offer. Batteries, a travel sized toothbrush, and a mini-flashlight all came to my rescue.

And then I saw it: the single most important item I still use whenever I need to make an embarrassing purchase for myself...
A birthday card.
I grabbed the card and put it on the belt just as Register #5’s Brad Pitt rang in the DVD. I rolled my eyes and coolly said, “Wacky, gift, right?”