The Secret Life of Daydreams Chapter 1

1

You can't know what true misery is
until you've seen every tenderness turn to hatred.

Mian

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The concert was over and he didn't come to you. That was a sign and you knew it. He didn't care anymore.

Your eyes they searched the crowd for him, your feet took a course on their own to find him. Him. Have you seen him? Have you seen my Micky? No, they said, those people; those strangers. Liars.

You paced round and round tapping unknown shoulders in the scavenger of him. That coward.

"What are you doing here?" That voice you knew too well. It used to tell you secrets known only to the two of you. Now, it felt empty; broken. It scared you.

"I was just...."

"Go home, Maksim."

"Baby, I wanted to...." He grinned at your subtle shyness. His fingers reached for your face, dazzling your every move, cutting holes in your skin.

"Go home, Maksim," His breath against your lobe. "I can't stand you anymore." He smiles at you.

Eyes glare at you and your lover disappears. Those eyes, the judge you, they cut you all throughout your canvas. It hurts. It hurts like hell. 'Why are you with him?' Those curious eyes demand to know. Your mouth is numbed, so you don't respond. 'He can't stand you, why are you with him?'

Your ears shut themselves, they can't bear to listen. 'He can't stand you,' they laugh. It hurts. It effing hurts. Those eyes, they cut, they cut deep. You walk away slowly, hands in your ears, shaking the pain away. It stays and reality sinks in.

***

Micky could not recall the last time he felt this rather infelicitous. He didn't mean to hurt her, his Maksim. It was the drugs; he didn't mean it, really. All he ever did was bring her pain. Pain that ran through her small dimples, and those, damn, those lips. He didn't forget, no he did not. He knew why she had stood there in the middle of the crowd wearing that dress that he had given her. He knew it.

"Maksim, baby, where are you?" She was nowhere to be seen. No where; this was destiny.

***

Fate, well, you've never believed in it, but here you were again, sweating in his doorstep, like a dog waiting for her master.

"Where were you?"
You wouldn't tell him.
"It's past 2 am, and look at yourself, you're all wet."

You feel his hot finger tip touch the thin fabric of your dress. You show no emotion to his touch. Not anymore.

"Baby, you're freezing cold."

You laugh at his sudden careness. "You've made me this way, Micky."

He felt the change, the change in her tender voice, her posture. He was afraid that maybe, just maybe his lover had lost her heart, and he was the only one to blame. He was damn afraid. "So tell me, where were you?"He asked as he takes off your clothes, article by article, you shiver in his presence; almost ashamed.

"I met a guy." You tell him, afraid to meet his gaze.
Silence filled the air and a smile ran across his face.

"Did you? Was he nice to you?"

"Does it matter?" You asked in surrender.

You could feel anger rising in his face. "Yes, it matters. No man, he shook his head, will be able to hurt you or disrespect you in anyway. You deserve better."

"No, I don't." You feel tears coming but you hold them in like you always do. "Yes, you do, better than me." He said in almost a whisper.

But this is a first for him. For him to say things this clearly. Did he mean what he was saying? The way he was acting when you were wet, wasn't that concern, wasn't that love? Silly, silly, ideas.

You look at him in curiosity and disgust, after all he has done to you he had this to say. "You want me to find a guy better than you!? Huh?"
You give him a cold laugh.
"You're pathetic."

He looked away, away from her. Did he love her? Indeed, but admitting it was like killing himself slowly. He couldn't tell her he loved her, not now. Never.

"I care for you, Mak."

He covers you with a blanket and slowly this feeling was craving in your stomach to kiss him; to make love to him. How would that feel? Would it be gentle like he used to be? No, You will never know.

"Do you?" You try to figure out this vibe he was giving you. This sentiment felt different and nerve wrecking, did he care did he really care?

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry about earlier...it was..."

He couldn't even finish his apology and yet your heart was shaking.

"Drugs? Alcohol? What was it, Micky?" You were as hell afraid of his answer.

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I don't know what went wrong....how did we end up like this?"

You didn't know.

"It's your fault." Everything you ever felt it was all his fault.

It was his fault for your sorrow, for your unhappiness, for your desire to feel loved.

"What?"

"It's your fault I don't write anymore. My fingers, they're tired because of you. I can't compose with you in my head all the time. I need change. We need change. We can't do this anymore, I can't. I'm broken, broken enough that you can't fix me. Its over, Mickey." You whisper. "Its over."

Fool. You feel like an idiot for lending him your heart moments earlier. And now you couldn't stop and think of what you were saying.

"You touch me and when you touch me my skin tingles, Micky. It scares me. This control you have in my skin it, shivers me. We've been like this for years and slowly whimsically slowly I lose myself in you. This uncertainty, I hate it."

"I haven't touched you in a while, Mak." He lowers his chin shamelessly.

"You've touched me in so many ways leaving permanent marks that I can't erase in me. You have taken everything from me. Now I hate myself for letting you, for watching you screw around with different women. But because I thought this was love, I let you. You took my dignity and my self respect. I hate you. "

He looks at you with those same lingering saddening eyes he gave you the first day you meet him. That bastard.

"You can leave me. We can break up if you want but you can't move out. You have to live with me."

The way he says this electrocutes your very soul. The aura, it feels violent, loony. You play his little staring game.

"You bastard!"

"We need to live together because without you I don't know what I would do." He takes a seat next to your bed across the nightstand with his picture. His picture with you kissing him. "I need you and I know you need me too."

And that's all you need to hear to calm down. You needed this man in your life, no matter how much pain it brought you.

And you feel like screaming, Love me! You will never find a better love than me!

But you don't cave in this time because you know that fire and ashes don't mix just like yesterday and today.