Lapse of judgement: The story of life

vol. 1. PTERODACTYL HOLOCAUST!(CAUTION, YOU MAY SEE THIS NAME AGAIN IN THE POTENTIAL/FICTIONAL BAND NAMES CHAPTER(pseudo volume) : dreams/stories not as interesting as the titles.



DREAMS!
chap.1: The dream i had where john mccain and his dog were tickling me: the time i thought i ate a roach.

It was me, and a comrade who looked like a cross between Chris, they guy who's at the sign in desk at Halloween Horror nights, and comedian Patton oswalt. we were walking through what looked like a neighborhood known as Phelps. we were arguing whether or not John and Cindy Mccain lived near us. eventually we came to a house, patton oswalt walks in to prove it's john mccain's house. then i go in and see cindy watching "wheel of fortune". for some reason she wasnt hot cindy mccain, that would've taken the dream to a new, sexy direction. she was an old crotchity lady. and they had a dog that looked like a skunk. then john mccain walks in wearing pajamas. so chris patton, cindy mcaain, john mccain, his skunk looking dog, and me are all watching "wheel of fortune", and trish stratus was the new vanna white. then his dog starts licking me. and jumps up and begins to what feels like tickeling to me. then i say, "hey john mccain(i used first and last names for everyone that had them) i think your dog is tickeling me." then mccain says, "he's just playing." then he begins to unbutton his pajama shirt and join in on the tickeling. then i woke up. i realized how real the dream felt and began to think, "i know we dont have roaches, but im pretty sure one was crawling on me and scratching. why did that feel so real?" so i looked around and saw nothing and came to the conclusion that i ate the roach. to this day, i've yet to see the roach.

chap. 2: "I'M A LOSER? YOU'RE THE ONE WEARING A HAIRNET!": the dream that made me laugh histerically untill i woke up.
I dont remember anything about this dream except there were 2 guys standing in a cartoon field that consisted of nothing but a tree. one guy was wearing a hairnet and screams," YOU'RE A LOSER!" The other man screams back, "I'M A LOSER!? YOU'RE THE ONE WEARING A HAIRNET!" and walks off with his head held high with pride. i laughed until i woke up.


STORY!
Chap. 3: The time Nick bischoff ate a q-tip because he didnt have to poop: this will probably make an appearence in the quotes chapter of the book.
My roomate and friend Nick was telling me about a talent show he was having where the losers had to clean the bus. according to him, he was either going to poop in a bag, or eat a bag of q-tips that he used. so in order to not clean the bus he ate the q-tip because he didnt have to poop.



chap. 4: The time i fell out of a tree during hurricane andrew.: one of the quotes in this story will be in the "LAST WORDS" chapter.

simple. i snuck outside during hurricane andrew just because i was bored, despite being told not to. i believe i was under punishment for sneaking out before also. so i went out and said, i would climb the tree. i looked and saw there was a storm coming, yet i didnt realise the severity of the situation. this being the case, "sure, i can do this, i'll be fine. whats the worse that could happen. so i began to climb. while climbing i found a ball i lost up there a long time ago. i believe i kicked it and it got stuck one day. so i try to climb higher to get it. i make it to almost the top of this gigantic tree. im not exaggerating because i was little, it was too high for my mother to climb. eventually they came out and saw i was up there. then the time came to come down and i was scared. i was too high up and it freaked myself out. so first i threw the ball. i dont know why. i just did. then i started to think i sahould jump. then i began to try and lost my footing and fell out of the tree just as a lightning struck that startled me. i landed on my hands and feet and survived. then i watched legends of the hidden temple.



vol. 2. actual lapse of judgement moments.
(ALOJM)

Chap. 1. See vol.1, chap 4.
i told the story in there.

chap. 2: Im about to get serious: the time i almost flunked out of college, the real story.
I was under the impression that my loans would cover me for the entire year, if not more, but towards the end of 1st semester freshman year they told me it wasnt enough. so i dropped pretty much everything. i stopped really trying and didnt do much of anything until the last couple of weeks. by then it was too late and i ended with a 0.8 GPA. then end of winter break they said i could come back. so i came back, but on accademic probation. so i worked and the best i got it to was a 1.8. which tells me i shouldve picked "cake" classes in order to boost my GPA. i am now on suspension until spring of 09', my sophmore year. we'll see what happens.

Chap. 3: Mike hansen and palmer save my face from getting impaled by basketball goal.
I tried to make a dunk on a goal that i knew wasnt weighted down. needless to say, it started to fall backwards so i let go and slamed into the ground back first. i looked up and saw the entire goal falling towards me and froze in a moment of shock. then at the last second palmer and mike cae and stopped the goal from falling on me. i bet they dont even remember. but good times.

Chap. 4: Last words: some caused by moments of lapse of judgement.
"watch this."
"I guarantee nothing will go wrong."
" What's the worst that can happen?"
" i've done it before i can do it again."
"This time i'll do it with my eyes closed."
"i dont need a helmet."
"it cant be THAT dangerous."
"The fire will make it look cooler."
" i bet i can."
"This plan is full proof i swear."
"Rick moranis did it."
"Oh SHIT! HE'S REAL!?" -mike solomon.
"what speed bump?"

Vol. 3: FUN TIME!(short volume.)

Chap 1: fictional band names and words located in the NICK-tionary)
"PTERODACTYL HOLOCAUST"-AWESOMELY SELF EXPLANITORY
"AQUATIC GANGBANG!"- a hurricane because the water comes from all directions.
HOX- a Fox hound. it's like a lion tiger is a liger. sort of.
WORDIFICATION- using nouns as verbs. EX: i'm about to go food something.
"GOOD MEN DIE DEAD."- Indie death metal band. made popular by the hit show "Tifton."
AQIFO- An indian translation for an automatic win in scrabble.
CLUM- C'mon man!? CLUM! Like a clum baby? it makes sense. listen to how i said it. CLUM! it sounds like something from drawn together or something. it must be real.
"CLUM: THE RIME OF THE RED-DICKED TALLY WHACKER(CLUM: ROTRDTW)"- tales of the red dicked....dick. not to be confused with a dik-dik, a type of small deer.

Vol. 4. great quotes that i enjoy....i dont really care about entertaining you at this point...no offense: made by friends or myself. also featuring quotes more interesting than the stories.( long volume)

Chap. 1: "I didnt have to shit so i ate a q-tip." -Nick bischoff
See vol. 1, Chap. 3

Chap.2 " OH YEEEAAH........ooohhh NOOOOOO!!!!"- me.
Solomon was asking, when a massage therapist says, "time for full release." does it mean happy ending or you just take a dump on her . to whihc i replied, "if its me, im doing both! but instead im pooping on her AND the table. just be like, "oooohhh yeeeaaahh.....OOOOOHHH NOOOOOO!!!!

Chap. 3: "YES, I ATE A Q-TIP THAT I USED SO I WOULDNT HAVE TO CLEAN A FUCKIN' BUS!" -Nick
see Chap. 1

Chap. 4: "damn man, i'm soaked....AND IT'S THE MOST BAD ASS THING EVER!" -me
i went swimming. i did a move that was supposed to keep me dry.

Chap. 5: "i think i'm retarded. and my keys are too small for my fingers. not a good combo." -me.
I couldnt unlock the door.

Chap. 6: "i'd drag my dick through a mile of glass just to hear brooke hogan fart into a walkie talkie."
............
Chap. 7: shtick.
me: whats that story you write about yourself?

nick: autobiography.

me: well whats that other word for cars?

nick: auto mobile.

me: well isnt that the good guys from transformers?

nick: those are autobots.

me: isnt that reggie rockets brother?

nick: thats otto rocke....stop it.

Chap. 8: "LET'S PULL OUT THIS FAT MOTHER FUCKER!" nick.
i...i have no idea again.

Chap. 9: "FUCK YOU MAJIN BUU! I'LL BUILD YOU UP THEN BEAT YOU DOWN! and fuck you too skippy!" -jeff tuck.
Playing dragon ball Z video game with jeff tuck.

Chap. 10: Not sure who they are talking about.
Jeff: HE'S A BAD ASS! IS HE IN THE DRUM CORP!?

skippy: yeah.

NICK: woul...would you suck his dick?

Chap. 11: "Really? Really guys?"
skippy: mom just bought sandwich bread but i cant find it. it must be misplaced.

everyone in the room: yeah, MISPLACED IN YOUR FUCKING STOMACH!

Chap. 12: Made the one night at the pool.
"if i ever met someone named molestules i'd prrobably be his friend. be like he's an ok guy its just...he's got a fucked up name. -jeff tuck

nick: i suppose we could call him "mo" but thats not any better than...molestules. since its....slang for homo.

jeff: i wish i was around when they said shit like that in the 80s. be like, puh! get outta here MO! check out these mo freshman. i....hey, i think theres sausage in the fridge....DUDE, IM SERIOUS!...that wasntr connected to my story.



(unrelated)
me: whats she doing?

brian: she went back in her car.

nick: shes jilling off.

jeff: NO DUDE!....she's shocking her clam.

Chap: 13. "SKIPPY! I'VE NEVER MET SOMEONE WHO NEED A BELT TO GO TO THE POOL!" - JEFF
Skippy's pants sliding off in the pool.

Chap. 14: No homo.

" i dont wanna sound gay but.....i've seen alot of dicks." -nick.



Chap. 15: I dont remember where i heard these.

" DUDE! we're not DRINKING AND DRIVING! we're sippin' and cruisin."


"nice dick dude....no homo."

"dude, are you dropping acid?"

" no. im chewing on these pieces of paper for my health."

Chap. 16: "....."

skippy: so the game pays you when you beat it?

me: i wish i got paid everytime i "BEAT IT!" SEE WHAT I DID THERE....wanna work at a sperm bank. that could be this months rent.

nick: you reaLISE THEY dont pay you for beating off right?

me: .........

Chap. 17: "i'd fight a ghost cat." -Jeff tuck.

jeff: damn thats an ugly cat. what the hell is on its face?

nick: ....IT HAS CANCER! AND THATS A TUMOR! and we're putting him down next week.


jeff: oh..sorry. now i feel bad. i hope it doesnt haunt me. but even if it did.....i'd fight a ghost cat...


Chap. 18: "Just go with it. its natural." -nick.

me: STOP PETTING MY DAMN HEAD! IM NOT A SHEE...

nick: shhhh. just go with it. it's natural



Chap. 19: Statutory.

"everyone is the same age in the dark" -me.

Chap. 20: Delta burke?

"fuck delta. i mean delta airlines. not burke. i dont think anyones said "fuck" and "delta burke" in the same sentence since the 80s." -me.

Chap. 21: Zach Aycock.

"is nick not funny now? i think i just heard something in the background about him drinking gator-financial-ade. ...hit him." -aycock...

Chap. 22: smurfs.

"explain one thing to me, WHY THE FUCK WOULD GARGAMEL WANT TO EAT FUCKING SMURFS!? WHAT ABOUT THEM SAYS, "THEY THAT LOOKS FUCKING DELICIOUS!" SHOW ME AMAN WHO LIKES EATING SMURFS, AND I'LL SHOW YOU A MAN WHO WOULD WEAR HIS DAUGHTER'S SKIN! he goes TO SOCCER GAMES AND USES IT AS HIS FUCKING VERSION OF THE GAP! I SWEAR TO GOD!" -ME.


matt(nicks other brother): i swear to god gargamel made smufette. and she used to be brunette.

me: why the...wait...why'd he make her bru...WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS!? AND WHY AM I YELLING NOW I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT SMURFS! ...and you're wrong. thats stu...oh...ok, SO NOW YOU'RE GONNA CHECK WIKIPEDIA!? YOU KNOW THANKS TO ME WIKIPEDIA SAYS AUTISTIC KIDS SHED THEIR SKIN, RIGHT!? jackass...




Chap. 23: jeff tuck again.

nick: stop saying grody.

jeff: i can say what i want.

taylor: no, thats my word.

nick: well you didnt exactly make it but you did bring it back so...

taylor: see.

jeff: what if i undermind it and dont sanction your decision.

taylor: you cant do that. you dont have that power.

jeff: well....how bout i jizz on your stomach.



Chap. 24: interuptions.

john: dont break my headpho..

nick interupts: I'LL BREAK YOUR ASS!.


Chap. 25: Man vs Wild

nick: you excited for work tomorrow? and to ride with keagan?

me: yep. i mean its better than not having a ride. universal says if you dont call atleast 2 hours ahead of start time then they drop you.

nick: like a fucking sack of potatoes.

jeff: like a HOT sack of potatoes.

nick: WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY BE HOT!?

me: cause they just came out the oven.

nick: ...ok thats true.

jeff: or they took them out and put them in a sack.

nick: well that wouldnt be very effective but good jo...

jeff interupts: you shut your fucking mouth!

nick: I'LL fucking KILL you....oh man vs wild is back on.


"they should have man vs wild in the ghetto. its a fact known by few that you can use a crack spoon to start a campfire. he goes fishing though a dumpster to kill half a big mac. i'd watch tha...HOW DID HE FIND A FUCKING SHACK!? NEVERMIND! MAN V WILD IS BULLSHIT!"
-nick.


Chap. 26: There was no movie.

nick: are you excited for the movie skippy?

skippy: yeah!

nick: well you shouldnt be cause youre not going.



Chap. 27: crudeness.

"i swear to god. why couldnt you have been that load that your mom took to the face?" -me




Chap. 28: i messed up this one.

"by the looks of this guy, how many hookers you think he's killed? ballpark.




Chap. 29: SHIP IT!

apparently some sort of saying in poker. my friend Alex Eaton in jacksonville, who helped teach me the bostonian way of life, and even helped me develop a bit of an accent, use it for moments of greatness.







vol.5 one sided phone conversations: it the title will be the Stand out quote from the conversation.

Chap. 1: "....ROLLER BLADES!? NO I DONT HAVE ROLLER BLADES, I CANT EVEN ROLLER SKATE!"...where am i? i'm on the phone with you, what do you mean where am i and what am i doi...I'M NOT GOING TO THE D.O.D!(he's at the D.O.D((my house, den of dumbasses))) ok. i'll talk to you later." -solomon

Chap. 2: "OH GOD! OH THAT'S HORRID! NO I DONT WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE OT PASS A KIDNEY STONE!....OH....oh thats not so bad." -solomon.

cHAP 3: "SHE'S GONNA GIVE BIRTH TO A SPIDER BABY!"- ME
"wait, hold on. so she got an x-ray because she was sick and they found a baby in her but it might be retarded because of the radiation from the x-rays?"
ok, one of 2 things will happen. she will sue and make money to abort it, or she's gonna give birth to an awesome radioactive spider baby!"


Chap.4 "WAIT! so you mean to tell me you want to have a space garden to make oxygen by pulto?

self explaitory.



Epilogue:

Do not be surprised if there are more chapters and volumes added or another book on its own. life continues to grow, and get better and create new material. as it does and i do more chapters will be filled. im also sure i left out alot. subtle moments will be mentioned in the completed version of the soon to be hit show created by Zach aycock and myself known as tifton. the future of television. more to come.

the concept for this was created on my 20th birthday where i was exploring the fact that i survived 20 great years. it seemed bad for a while but in retrospect, things happen to make you who you are. to be honest i didnt need the bad to happen because the good counteracted it, and helped make a new and improved me. i thank all of those involved in the making of this story and all the contents involved in this. The folks i've met along the way, old and new. thank you.

"If ya dont like it, ya better learn to love it, cause it's the best thing goin' baby! WHOOOOOO!" -Nature boy Ric Flair.

SHIP IT!

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