Sweeney Meets the Caribbean

1. The Renegade Hunter

"Looks like a storm's on it's way, Mista Todd," Mr. Lovett remarked, gazing at the band of clouds that spanned the horizon, quickly becoming one with the coming dusk. Faint flickers of lightning danced along their undersides, followed by distant rumbles of thunder. "Yep, a big one, too. Best not to go out tonight, love, lest you want to become a lightnin' rod. Jus' think of all that energy pumpin' through your body. Talk 'bout plum bad luck."

"I'll keep that in mind, Mrs. Lovett," Sweeney Todd replied, an incredible weariness overcoming him suddenly. "Maybe it'll be better if I just call it a day, close up shop, go to bed early, that sort of thing. We've got enough pies to last the evening, don't we?" Seeing the baker nod fractionally, the barber finished the rest of his gin and retired to his parlor upstairs. Dampening a cloth, he began to scrub the dried blood of the barber chair, aware of the thunder getting closer. Completing his task, he went on to polishing his razors until his reflection could be seen. The room abruptly darkened as the black clouds rolled overhead despite the hour only being four in the afternoon. A bellowing crash made Sweeney jump, the deep reverberations shaking the house. Packing his blades in their case, the barber crept to the small cot in the corner and laid down, covers pulled above his head, quickly falling asleep.


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"Hoist them there anchors, maties, or the captain won't be pleased!"

"Right! And if I'm not pleased, yer not pleased, and we've got a big 'ol mess on our hands. Savvy?"

Growling in annoyance, Sweeney sat upright, ready to tell off whoever was making that infernal racket, but his anger was replaced by confusion. Where in God's name am I? Getting to his feet, the barber nearly fell on his face as the floor pitched alarmingly. Spying a round window, he stumbled over to it and swore. He was on the damn sea! The opening of the door behind him made Sweeney whirl, ebony gaze fixed in the bald man in the entrance. Magically producing one of his razors, he advanced on the figure, who gulped. "You, tell me where I am and I promise not to give you a shave."

Coughing, the man answered in a small voice. "Um, you're aboard the Renegade Hunter, heading toward Singapore. The capt'n has to--Oi, take it easy with that thing!" Sweating, he tried to back away, but the barber placed the lethal blade to his throat. "Sir, Capt'n Sparrow, we've got a madman on the ship!"

"Mr. Gibbs, there's no need to shout," a man with dreadlocks beneath a tri-hat snapped behind his first officer, shaking his head. Eyeing Sweeney's razor, Captain Jack Sparrow cleared his throat meaningfully, though he failed to gain a response. "Mate, I'd prefer it if you didn't threaten my crew. Besides, us pirates have swords while you have only that flimsy little blade." The barber gave Sparrow such a glare that the pirate took a step back. "Who are ya, anyways, chap?"

"Sweeney Todd," Sweeney snarled. "And you might want to warn your crew that if any of them even looks at me the wrong way, I'll provide them with a second mouth." Pushing past the two men, the barber emerged onto the heaving deck, grabbing a hanging rope to steady himself. Dozens of people scurried about, barking various orders. Bright sunlight warmed his face while seagulls wheeled in the sky. Hailing a passing boy, Sweeney asked the date, stunned by the reply. "1651?!" Rocketing below, he snatched Sparrow's shirt, eyes blazing. "Tell me how I've been transported almost 200 years into the bloody past?"

"Yer guess is as good as mine," the pirate captain said, extricating himself from the barber's grip. "Listen, me an' my ship're going to Singapore so's I can have a little chat with its fortune-teller person. If you like, ya can come along to see if she can give ya some hint as to 'ow you got here. Sound good?" Sweeney continued to stare, making Sparrow uncomfortable. "What, was it somethin' I said?"

"This woman, are you sure she knows how I got here?" the barber demanded, the underlying threat of death all to clear. Unexpectedly, his razor whipped out, the flat of its blade striking Mr. Gibbs's hand. "Unless you want to lose your fingers, don't touch my things." The first officer nodded frantically, snatching back his throbbing hand, amazed that Sweeney had been able to see him despite not taking his eyes from the captain. "Now then, Captain Sparrow, you listen to me. Should the fortune-teller fail to provide me with the information I need, everyone on the Renegade Hunter will go to their Maker smooth-faced."

"Royal ship off the starboard bow!"

"Bugger!" Sparrow said, running topside, the others at his heels. Squinting, he made out the outline of a vessel bearing down on the Renegade Hunter, flying the Royal colors. "Wish I still had the Black Pearl, but she's on the other side of the world. Alright, ya scallywags, run up the flag! Prepare the guns for combat! Whoa, what in the blazes--? It's the Flying Dutchman, right on cue! Ahoy there, William Turner! Fancy seein' you here!" Taking off his hat, Sparrow waved it gleefully at the large black ship that had simply popped into existence beside them.

"Likewise, Jack!" a brown-haired man shouted, a long, jagged scar visible on his chest. Spinning the wheel, William turned the Flying Dutchman to face the Royal vessel, which had changed course upon the other ship's appearance. Howling, he commanded his crew to bring her to a halt. Crossing the distance between the ships, William landed next to Sparrow, studying Sweeney. "No offense, but you look like death warmed over."

"Easy, Will," the Renegade Hunter's captain muttered as the barber shot Will a glower. "This one's got a quick temper. An' not the good kind, if ya get me drift." Casually putting an arm around his friend, Sparrow drew him away from Sweeney. "Okay, now that yer here, you can help me keep an eye on what's-his-name over there. Frankly, he gives me the creeps." A gust of wind filtered the sound of singing toward them. "Great, now he's singing."

"They all deserve to die.

"Tell you why, Mrs. Lovett, tell you why.

"Because in all of the whole human race, Mrs. Lovett

"There are two kind of men and only two.

"There's the one staying put in his proper place and the one with his foot in the other one's face.

"Look at me, Mrs. Lovett, look at you.

"Now we all deserve to die.

"Even you, Mrs. Lovett, even I.

"Because the lives of the wicked should be made brief

"For the rest of us death will be a relief.

"We all deserve to die.

"And I'll never see Johanna,

"No , I'll never hug my girl to me--FINISHED!

"All right! You sir, how about a shave?

"Come and visit your good friend Sweeney.

"You sir! Too sir! Welcome to the grave!

"I will have vengeance

"I will have salvation!

"Who, sir? You, sir?

"No one's in the chair. Come on, come on!

"Sweeney's waiting. I want you bleeders.

"You sir? Anybody!

"Gentlemen, now don't be shy!

"Not one man

"No, nor ten men

"Nor a hundred

"Can assuage me

"I will have you!

"And I will get him back even as he gloats

"In the meantime I'll practice on less honorable throats!

"And my Lucy lies in ashes

"And I'll never see my girl again.

"But the work waits!

"I'm alive at last, and I'm full of joy!"

Sparrow rolled his eyes heavenward, wondering how he had managed to get stuck with the crazy singing barber. It's gonna be a long way to Singapore if that bloke keeps on vocalizin' his songs. "You men, make all haste for Singapore! The faster we go, the better for us all!"



2. The Storm and Landfall

"Ugh, I hate the ocean when it storms," Sparrow remarked to no one in particular, gesturing to the sinister band of heavy grey clouds. Sweeney just grunted, twirling one of his razors impatiently, gazing into the distance. Nervous, the pirate captain shuffled from foot to foot. "Y-you seem restless, my friend. How's 'bout I make you a deal? I'll allow ye to dispose of those in my crew who drive me batty as long as you promise not to dispatch my officers." The mad gleam in those black eyes told Sparrow that he had made the barber's day. "Right, then! Oi, you there--Renald! Escort Mr. Todd down to the cargo hold so he can set up for his business."

"Thank you, Captain Sparrow," Sweeney said wistfully, following the grungy man below to the Renegade Hunter's spacious cargo hold. Renald bowed and quickly left, not liking the longing look the barber gave him. Locating a chair, he dragged it to the center of the deck, sharpening his blades on a piece of discarded leather. Footsteps alerted him that his first victim was coming. A tall pirate crept into view, eyes darting around until they focused on Sweeney. "I take it the captain sent you to see me?"

Gulping, the man nodded, sweat beading on his brow. Silently, he sat in the chair, trembling as he heard the click of a razor behind him. "C-capt'n Sparrow only told me that you wanted to see me, sir. Said me beard needs a trimmin'." A blast of cold air hit him as though the temperature had plunged twenty degrees. The razor's keen edge touched his throat under his chin. Panicking, the pirate knocked Sweeney's hand away and bolted upright, retreating hastily. "You're not gettin' near me with that damn thing!"

"Oh, I disagree, boy," the barber growled, advancing menacingly, blade at his side. Intercepting the man's dash for the stairs, Sweeney slashed, the gaping wound spraying blood everywhere. Spotting a large round window, he proceeded to haul the body to it, dumping it into the surging water barely ten feet below.

"God, what a mess!" Sparrow exclaimed, gagging at the stench of blood. "I thought you'd jus' nick the jugular and let the body drain, not hack the neck so it squirts like a fountain. An' yer shirt is drenched with the stuff! If the chaps topside see ya now, I'll soon have only a handful to man the ship."

Knowing what the captain said was true, Sweeney stripped off his shirt to reveal a well-built torso, smirking at Sparrow's envious stare. Brushing past the pirate, he joined the Hunter's crew as they hurried to prepare for the coming tempest. Already the waves were cresting the vessel and a fierce wind was whipping foam into the air. Suddenly, a peal of thunder jogged his memory: the storm that Mrs. Lovett had warned him of, him falling asleep, then waking up on the Renegade Hunter. "That's it! It was a storm that brought me here!"

"What'd you say?!" Sparrow yelled, voice all but drowned out by the gale. A shaft of lightning lanced overhead, making the pirate captain yelp while Sweeney laughed madly, arms spread to the increasing fury engulfing the ship. Bloke really is crazy! One particular gust of wind blew the pirate's hat off. "No, Hatty! Come back!"

Hatty? the barber thought sarcastically, wishing--for once--that Mrs. Lovett was with him. Seizing Sparrow's arm, he gestured casually. "Stop your blithering and look! The storm's breaking apart!" Blue sky could be seen through cracks in the sky, the sun burning way the fog to uncover a patch of land in the distance. "Hopefully that's Singapore and not some other island. Pardon me, but I fell the urge to sing.

"There's a hole in the world like a great black pit

"And the vermin of the world inhabit it

"And its morals aren't worth what a pig could spit

"And it goes by the name of London.

"At the top of the hole sit the privileged few

"Making mock of the vermin in the lonely zoo

"Turning beauty to filth and greed...

"I too have sailed the world and seen its wonders

"For the cruelty of men is as wondrous as Peru

"But there's no place like London!"

"Nice to know, chap--" Sparrow began, closing his mouth when Sweeney tossed him a glance that promised death. "Go on."

"There was a barber and his wife

"And she was beautiful...

"A foolish barber and his wife.

"She was his reason for his life...

"And she was beautiful, and she was virtuous.

"And he was naive.

"There was another man who saw

"That she was beautiful...

"A biased vulture of the law

"Who, with a gesture of his claw

"Removed the barber from his plate!

"And there was nothing but to wait!

"And she would fall!

"So soft!

"So young!

"So lost and oh so beautiful!

"Ah, that was many years ago...

"I doubt anyone would know.

"There's a hole in the world like a great black pit

"And it's filled with people who are filled with shit!

"And the vermin of the world inhabit it!"

"Remind me never to get on yer bad side, mate," murmured Sparrow, hastening to the other side if the Renegade Hunter as she made berth at one of Singapore's docks. "Secure them lines fast, men, unless you want to swim back to Port Royal! Join me, Mr. Todd, for I am goin' to seek out that teller woman I told yer about earlier." Both of them left the ship, heading toward a mass of buildings swarming with people, most of whom shied away from Sweeney. "I should hie ye as me personal bodyguard, keep the women off my back."

"Do you even know where you're going?" the barber demanded. The pirate captain remained quiet, weaving in the general direction of a low-slung house. Outside was a mass of screaming individuals, all of them waving their hands. Halting an elderly man, Sweeney asked what was happening.

"That woman, Kerson, was kidnapped this mornin' by pirates," the man replied, walking away, not aware of Sparrow's reaction.

"BLOODY HELL! Let's go, we're huntin' them down! Ye can even split the throats if ye fancy."



3. The Transformation

Angry, Sweeney approached Sparrow after sailing on the ocean for six uneventful hours. Fearing he was being targeted, the pirate captain tried to free his sword, freezing as the sharp edge of a razor kissed the back of his hand. "There a reason yer threatening me with that thing? Or are ye just so bored that yer goin' round to random blokes and scarin' them to death?"

"How do you know where you're going?" the barber hissed, resisting the urge to disable the man permanently. "I haven't seen you look at a single map since we left Singapore."

"Ever hear of somethin' called a compass, chap?" Sparrow fired back, wincing as the blade nicked his skin, drawing a bead of blood. Carefully producing the object in question, he flipped it open to show a needle pointing due east, the direction they were traveling. "If them pirates keep on this course, we'll catch up with 'em in a day. No other ship can outrun the Hunter--well, maybe the Pearl and the Dutchman, but nothin' else." A craft off the port bow gained Sparrow's attention. "By the way, how's ye fancy commandeerin' that ship over yonder?"

"Fine by me," Sweeney answered, retracting his razor. He watched the captain shout orders to pull beside the hapless vessel. Brief scuffles ensued, resulting in ten men being thrown overboard, one of them the unfortunate captain. Leaping onto the smaller ship, he found Sparrow herding the remaining thirty men into a circle, brandishing his cutlet.

"This 'ere is yer new capt'n, maties," the pirate said. "His name's Sweeney Todd, and he's an expert usin' them there razors of his. Anyone got's a problem with that, take it up with him, praying ye stay 'live." Done, Sparrow climbed aboard the Renegade Hunter and continued his search.

"Follow them, quick!" Sweeney commanded harshly. When no one moved, he bellowed, razor slicing through the air. "MOVE, YOU USELESS MONGRELS!" The crew sprang into action, steering the ship toward the retreating form of the Hunter.

"You think he can pull it off?" William asked absently, on Sparrow's vessel as he had given command to his father, Bootstrap Bill Turner. His friend snorted and was about to respond when screams were heard. Hastily taking out his looking glass, William checked the state of the new ship, jaw dropping. "We've got a huge problem, Jack. Our guest had gone even more mental."

"Gimme that!" Sparrow said, snatching the glass from William, training it on the captured vessel. What he saw was so terrifying that he dropped the object to the deck, hands numb. "Prepare to have some company, people!"

Barely half a mile away, the craft under the command of Sweeney was bearing down on both the Renegade Hunter and the Flying Dutchman, sails full. At the wheel was the barber himself, except he had changed physically. His ebony eyes had become crimson while his skin had bled of what little color it had. Teeth resembling fangs protruded from his lips in a deadly grin.

"Mr. Gibbs, kindly steer us in a general that-a-way direction!" Sparrow yelled, frantically telling his crew what to do, a twinge of hysteria in his voice. Circling the main mast, the pirate captain stopped dead in his tracks. "Blimey, you sure got here fast." Hoping to retreat, the pirate felt his back hit the mast behind him. "This can't possibly be good."

Sweeney inched closer, demonic face twisted in a grimace. "One of the perks the Maiden bestowed upon me, Captain. You knew what ship that was, yet you insisted I commandeer it! Now you'll all pay the price!" Unfolding one of the razors he always kept on his person, the insane barber lunged at Sparrow.

Whirling, the pirate captain rushed to Mr. Gibbs and William, panting. "A-any of ye got an idea as to how we break the curse on him? 'Cause I'm drawin' a blank."

"I've got it!" Mr. Gibbs said cheerfully despite the fact that dozens of men were dying around him. "Shoot the Maiden, that'll lessen the spell's power!" Going to a nearby cannon, the Renegade Hunter's first officer loaded it, aimed, then fired, the ten-pound ball tearing through boards and exploding pounds of gunpowder.

Howling in agony, Sweeney collapsed to his knees, hands clutching his head. As the cursed ship sank, he gradually returned to normal, bare chest heaving. Sensing people around him, the barber looked up to see the remaining crew surrounding him. "What happened?"

"Ye were possessed, mate," Sparrow said, scanning the carnage littering the deck. "Killed half me crew. I shoulda known that boat was the Madien, what with its sails an' everythin'. See, that ship has--had--a curse put on it by a witch. It goes like this: if the man who controls the vessel has a black heart, he gets possessed by the spirit of a demon of the ocean. Unfortunately, ye filled that description, Mr. Todd."

"Can we just get back on course before I lose it for good?" Sweeney grated, feeling his temper slipping. God, this pirate was as bad as Mrs. Lovett. "My only goal is to somehow arrive in 1846 London. So, Mr. Sparrow, I'd get that lovely compass of yours out and use it to lacate the ship carrying that fortune-teller."

"All righ', all righ'! Quit bein' so bossy!" Sparrow snapped, taking out his compass. Show me where the seer is and I won't cast you overboard! Steadying, the needle pointed southeast. "Southeast it is. Get this ship on track, or you an' Mr. Todd'll become good friends! Whoa--not that fast, ye idiots!" Holding onto the railing lining the Hunter, the captain gasped as his ship almost rolled clockwise to meet the sparkling sea. A noise made him groan, teeth grinding. If he's singin', I'm gonna tie 'im to the mast gagged!

"These are my friends

"See how they glisten.

"See this one shine, how he smiles in the light.

"My friend, my faithful friend!

"Speak to me friend

"Whisper, I'll listen.

"I know, I know you've been locked out of sight all these years

"Like me my friend!

"Well I've come home to find you waiting!

"Home and we're together

"And we'll do wonders won't we?

"You there my friend

"Come, let me hold you.

"Now with a sigh, you grow warm in my hand!

"My friend, my clever friend!

"Rest now my friend

"Soon I'll unfold you.

"Soon you'll know splendors you never have dreamed all your days!

"My lucky friends!

"Til now your shine was merely silver.

"Friends, you shall drip rubies.

"You'll soon drip precious rubies."

"Humor me, won't you, my good man?" Sparrow asked when Sweeney had stopped singing. "Do you enjoy recitin' those gloomy songs? I mean, you been at it the moment you set foot on the Hunter."

"You have a problem with that, Sparrow?" the barber snarled, composure fraying dangerously thin. "Here's some advice you might want to take into consideration. You worry about yourself and I'll do the same for me. Savvy?"

"Crystal," the captain said in a low tone, wishing he could just jump overboard and swim back to Port Royal.



4. In Which Sweeney Recieves Some Satisfaction and Learns How He Can Get Home

Every moment he spent aboard the Renegade Hunter was a moment he lost to kill Judge Turpin, increasing Sweeney's short temper. Desperate to feel something other than fury, he swiftly cut his own palm, white-hot pain searing his mind. Staring at the blood in fascination, the barber did not hear Sparrow walk into his quarters. Lapping the fluid, a sound made him spin, razor poised to throw, only to find that it was only the pirate captain. "What do you want?"

"Oh, nothin'," Saprrow said idly, cleaning his nails, tying to forget what he had just seen. "Thought you'd be interested to know that we've spotted the rouge vessel on the horizon. But you seem so busy I figured you'd want to sit this one out." He smirked as Sweeney swept past him, grumbling something about a judge. Shaking his head, the captain followed, going to William's side by the wheel.

"My father agreed to intercept them," William informed him, indicating the Flying Dutchman as it ventured forth. Five minutes later, the enemy ship coasted to a halt, its captain knowing there was no way he could outfight both pursuing vessels. After the Renegade Hunter pulled alongside, both William and Sparrow were surprised when Sweeney was the first to board, directly going up to the captain.

"W-what is the meaning of this?" the man sputtered, quailing under the barber's unwavering stare. Little did he know that his short gray hair and facial features reminded Sweeney of Judge Turpin. Flinching as he was shoved against the wheel of his vessel, he sought to calm his aggressor. "Hang on, take it easy! I'm sure we can talk all this over!"

"Shut up!" the crazed barber hissed, slightly shaking the enemy captain. "You remind me of someone back in London whom I hate. While I'm stuck here, I might as well have what fun I can have. Those among your crew with faint hearts might want to look away." Eager to find an excuse to be elsewhere, the men encircling them scattered. Taking out his faithful friend, Sweeney proceeded to tease its edge across the trembling man's throat. Abruptly, with a jerk of his hand, he opened the fragile flesh, streams of blood fanning in the wind.

"Thank God that's over," Sparrow sighed, fighting the urge to heave. I'm used to the sight of blood, but not that much! Rounding on the captainless crew, he addressed them harshly. "For those of ye who don't know me, I'm Captain Jack Sparrow. Now, back in Singapore, we got a lead that yer harborin' a fortune-teller by the name of Kerson. I suggest you turn 'er over to us quick-like, or I'll sic Mr. Todd on ye. So, what say ye to that?"

"I'll get 'er!" a short, tan man shouted, all but flying down to the ship's brig. Returning with a thin woman in tow, he thrust her at the three people by the wheel. "There ye are, gents. Can we go now, 'cause we don't want any trouble."

"Go on, get outta here, ye maggots!" Sparrow said loudly, the quartet hastening to board the Hunter. As soon as his feet touched the deck, he was issuing orders for them to set sail for Port Royal. Relaxing, he ushered Kerson and Sweeney to his cabin, locking the door. "I know ye two want to get home, so let's do this. Kerson, Mr. Todd here came on me ship this mornin' not knowin' how he got here. Maybe ye can shed some light on this to make him happy?"

"Give me your hand, Sweeney," the fortune-teller said, holding it tightly. Shutting her eyes, she furrowed her forehead in concentration, inhaling sharply. "I see a great dark city with horse-drawn wagons. A storm rages, lightning cleaving the sky. Wait, a shaft hits the second floor of a building--Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pies. That is how you got here, Mr. Todd. Through a rent in the space-time continuum on a bolt of lightning."

"Sure, whatever ye say, Ms. Kerson," Sparrow mumbled, thinking this woman was absolutely nuts. "And how do ya propose we get him back to where he came from? Toss him into the next tempest we come across? I was jus' jokin' with her!" Careful not to swallow, the pirate captain cautiously ducked under the razor digging into his throat, massaging the sore spot. "Look, we both have goals. Mine is to find the blasted Fountain of Youth, and your is to return home. Now, if ye believe that ye came here through the space-time thingy, then all the more power to ya. Truth is, we should work together while we got the chance."

Grunting, Sweeney pocketed his blade, much to Sparrow's relief. "Fine, but if you test my temper, you'll see that I'm not very forgiving. I trust you have a heading for this Fountain of Youth?" Ignoring the captain's nod, he turned to Kerson, who gulped. "You, teller, can I simply jump into a storm similar to the one that transported me to this era and I'll find myself back in 1846 London?"

"C-certainly, sir," the fortune-teller stammered, relaxing when the barber left the cabin. "But you need to let a lightning bolt strike you." Sweeney froze, back muscles bunching as if he were going to fly into the room again. "It is the only way for you to accomplish your task. Any other way and I'm afraid you'll kill yourself."

Snarling, the barber plunged his razor into the soft wood, startling a crewman who was on his way to see Sparrow. "Forget the fountain. I'm going back tonight or this vessel will become a floating ghost ship. Order your crew to find a thunder storm immediately." Sparrow sputtered angrily, yet went topside nonetheless, not keen on shedding more blood. "And you better not be lying to me or it won't bode well for you, teller."

"Okay, lads, our objective is to locate a violent storm so's Mr. Todd can get back to his bloomin' precious past!" Sparrow yelled loudly, not aware that Sweeney was behind him. Noticing the sick looks on the faces of his crew, the captain pivoted, chuckling uneasily. "I mean, I'm all for helping ya, of course. Them I ain't so sure 'bout. Mr. Gibbs in particular. He's one worth watchin'."

"Shut up and guide this ship before I send you up there," the barber hissed venomously, gesturing heavenward with his razor. Watching Sparrow jump to the wheel, he scanned the horizon intently.