Running to a Standstill

Running to a Standstill
By Alex Watson

We didn’t know what was going on; did we still have jobs or would we soon wander the endless desert of the unemployed? Everyone in the office was like a zombie; our once fine workforce had now become as much use as a plumber doing brain surgery. This worried me because my bank balance was looking decidedly unbalanced. My weekend going to the casinos of Blackpool had been very ill advised.
The mood in the sales department at KCS Public Relations was poor because no one was buying. We were like the poor begging for their supper, I heard the brain cells in my head thumping with anger as another customer hung up the phone. This poxy company was on a continuing slide towards nothingness, I was ready to fall to my knees and plead for a change. Everyone was beginning to get restless; Neil was forever giving some panicking employee hopeless reassurance. Some fucking good that promised as seven employees had already been made redundant.
This was when I decided that if the people we depended on wouldn’t give us the money, it was up to me to help provide it. During our coffee break I made a proposition to my fellow workers. All looked mystified as I called them over.
“Everybody, I know things have been difficult recently and I don’t want us to waste anymore time pretending that this credit crunch isn’t bleeding us dry.” Everyone murmured in the back ground as I said this. Obviously I wasn’t the only one with the red bill of death.
“I want to propose something to you all. Now this is completely of your own free choice and if you don’t like it then you don’t have to participate,” I paused for a second. I liked giving things dramatic effect.
“I suggest that we start an office pool. For those of you who don’t know what a pool is, it isn’t something you jump into. It’s where we all put money in a tin whenever any of us makes a sale and whoever gets the most at the end of the month gets the money.” My colleagues twitched with excitement as I finished. Instantly I could tell that just about everyone was keen on this idea, I didn’t need a show of hands. But then out of the blue Neil’s voice rang out,
“Vic, all this time I’ve never known you to waste a penny. Why do you want to help now?” he asked.
This was where the bastard had me, as Neil was one of insufferable types who believed that money had a higher purpose and was always nagging everyone to give to Greenpeace or Save the Whale.
“You’re always telling me that you wanted my money to go towards a better cause right?” I told him. “Well, what better purpose is there than boosting our morale? Trust me; all I want to do is get us selling again.”
Neil stirred in the background, the look on his face told he was far from convinced but for the time being he would have to trust me.
My hopes of claiming that money were furthered when Shirley called a meeting to deliver the board’s recent decision. I could see everybody shifting nervously; we all knew when Shirley called a meeting it was never a positive thing.
“Due to the recent events,” she began, “The board has decided to put everyone on a month’s evaluation. This way we can decide who’s more suited to their positions than others.” My worries began to lift in that moment, with everyone in the office competing for sales the pool would sky-rocket. More than anything I’d be able to stop the creditors. But then Shirley dropped the bombshell that there was to be an addition to the office.
As a result of our ‘creative restructure’, the new person was being brought across from the Gloucester office and was delivered in the form of a short ginger man. Gordon Milius looked like Frankie Boyle. His worst characteristic, however, was a sickening cheeriness. Every soul in the office soon avoided him like the plague; otherwise you’d be hit with a disease of banal small talk,
“You know what I think makes life fantabulous?” he would say “Well listen here…”
Gordon was like a kid’s entertainer on cocaine and this became clear during his first meeting.
“A happy worker is a persistent worker,” he said. “Put those negative Nellies out of your head and there are no limits.”
The very mention of this sentence made my stomach crawl. I leaned across and said to the person next to me. “Does he expect that by gliding in here we’re going to hold hands and sing Shiny Happy People? Guy’s a nut job”

On top of the enforced happiness Gordon had a paranoid edge to him that appeared whenever a serious situation occurred. We all knew what caused it because every time you glanced over to his office he was popping these Chinese Stress Pills. Whether the pills enhanced his paranoia we don’t know, but before we knew it the man was swinging all kinds of accusations. This was first demonstrated when he accused the entire office of stealing supplies. Well, some could have been, but not the whole office.
“Office supplies such as paper, staples and elastic bands may only be minor items to you, but to any business they are essential yet I keep finding stocks low. Now who has been stealing them?” Gordon said
A fit of giggles hit me at the wrong moment; I could see Gordon was already eyeing me
“Right Vic, stand up and tell us what is so funny?”
“Nothing.”
“Vic, stop being a negative Nelly. I know you’ve been stealing these supplies,” Gordon snapped.
“Is that you or your pills speaking Gordon?” I laughed. Everyone tried to refrain from chuckling but some just couldn’t hold it in. Gordon stood in the middle looking like little boy lost, I was tempted to go over and pat him on the head as we slowly returned to our desk.
We weren’t laughing nearly so hard on pay day that week. Turned out the bastard docked our pay because of the low stationery supplies, which was completely out of order. Slowly my exasperation with Gordon began to increase. It started in the coffee room when Neil said:
“Gordon’s approach is really helpful. He’s like a breath of fresh air around here.”
“Sir Twitch-a-lot makes me laugh with that face of his. Seriously he could have some mutant life form inside,”
“Come on Vic, Gordon’s not that bad.”
“Neil, do you actually hate anything? Because it seems you believe that everything is sugar and spice.”
“People change Vic, you should try it. A positive worker goes further, that’s what Gordon says.”
“What he says comes from that Chinese garbage he pops. The man doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going,” I mocked.
With that I walked back towards my desk. In the distance my phone was buzzing. I crossed over and pulled it off the receiver
“Hello KCS Public Relations, Victor Foster speaking.” A crackle at the end of the line sounded, for a moment I was sure it was a prank call then a deliberate voice sounded.
“Good afternoon Mr Foster, this is Malcolm McKay from DCC Industries, we worked on the Stevenson campaign together?”
“Yes sir I remember. Good to hear from you, how are things?” I asked.
“Fine, now listen I’ve something I need some help on” McKay said.
My heart skipped at beat as he continued. Chances like this one didn’t roll around. At this moment I was unusually excited. I put the phone down and had a cunning idea.
When Gordon went out the room, I assembled everyone. What I was about to propose to them was a challenge for all of us, but it would push us creatively. At that time it seemed light-hearted.
“Ok, we’ve only got a moment here so I’ll be brief,” I said. “The pool has changed; the first one to play a good joke on Gordon gets the pool.” Everyone looked at each other confused; I could see Neil’s head swaying the background. As always he was the first to speak,
“Are you having a laugh?”
“Neil, that’s the general point”
“This seems weird Vic,”
“Weird yes, but playing devil’s advocate is fun,” I answered. “Come on you’ve all seen him. Man looks so confused its hilarious, come on lets have some fun with him.”
“I don’t know Vic, seems kind of mean.”
“Neil, it’s just a joke. He’ll see the funny side, I’m sure even Gordon has a funny side.” I answered. Neil looked away from me.
“I’m sorry Vic, I can’t do this. It’s just callous,” I turned away from Neil and put my hand out to everyone.
“If you agree with me then put your hand up and we’ll let the game begin,” I said. Again everyone gazed at me like a sea of stone gargoyles; I kept my arm out. The muscles began to ache slightly, but thankfully the rest followed soon after. Neil moved away, I could tell from the look in his eyes that he wasn’t impressed with me.
A second later things I returned to my desk, the phone buzzed once more, my heart beat faster as I picked the handle up, a familiar voice sounded.
“Is everything under way Vic? Is all well?”
“Of course sir, things are going well and I can tell you that you need not worry about such matters.” A moment later Gordon came storming over towards me, quickly I put the phone down.
“Where are the figures for The Bank of Lithuania?” Gordon said.
“I don’t know Gordon I’ll look into it for you,” I assured him.
“You better otherwise it’s your head that’ll be on the chopping block,” Gordon muttered.
Now here was the chance we had all been looking for. Finally this was going to be my victory dance. I was going make sure Gordon came running to a standstill.
“Very well, Gordon, you leave this with me,” I assured him.
The man clearly wasn’t on the same page me; I’d hidden the figures in a mound of paper on his desk two hours ago. I knew how impatient The Bank of Lithuania was about matter such as figures and I also knew that their patience with KCS was extremely thin. Sometime later Gordon waded back in; this was where the plan to end all plans kicked in.
“Lithuania figures?” he asked.
“Gordon, they’re on your desk.” I answered him.
The man hurried into his office searching frantically, eventually he found them. Now this was where the beauty of the joke came to light. Could our team leader seriously prove that I was lying to him when those pills seemed to alter his perception? Gordon picked up the phone and Shirley came charging out like a rhino with him directly in her path.
“I have the figures right here Shirley.”
“And what bloody use are they now? Vic said he did them two hours ago. Where have you been?”
“No surely not. I can explain this.”
“What is there to explain- you messed up and now you cost us The Bank of Lithuania. Do you know much money we have spent already? Get in my office now.” Shirley spat.
Gordon looked defeated; I should have felt guilty, but I couldn’t stop grinning like the Cheshire Cat. Through the glass panel we would see that Shirley was doing most of talking.
“I think it’s time we had a talk about things Gordon, come and see me tomorrow.”
Gordon’s blinds remained closed for the rest of the day. We could tell that the waters had become stormy but suspected that this was just a minor thing. That was what we assumed anyway.

The next day the sky was awash with clouds as I made the long walk to work. I was dreading the headaches that Gordon was bound to cause. We didn’t bother bringing painkillers because there was no cure for this kind of discomfort.
My heart sunk when I saw the office door looming in front of me. Neil was stood outside. The man looked unusually morbid for this time of the morning.
“What’s the matter?” I asked him. “Did you find out that the whale cannot be saved? Seriously Free Willy was a one off”
“It… it’s not that,”
“Well what is it then?”
“You better go upstairs Vic.”
“Well, why?”
“Just go.”
I heard the loud drone from the photocopier before I arrived at the summit of the staircase. Everyone in the office was standing over to the left side. The office was full to capacity but everyone looked in a state of shock. Immediately I assumed that Shirley must be giving some unfortunate news about jobs. I glided into the office like I had roller-skates attached to my feet.
“Fuck,” I yelled out. “Who died?”
Immediately everyone turned to glare at me, what was happening? Suddenly things had taken a nasty turn.
“If you had been here early Vic, you would know that Gordon has… gone missing,” she announced.
“You’re taking the piss right,” I laughed. “The guy’s probably talking to himself in the mirror again and lost track of time.” I searched in vain for laughter but silence was all around.
“This is serious Vic,” Shirley snapped.
Immediately my trap fastened shut. For the first time in ages I was actually afraid for everything. Inside my guts throbbed away
“Because of the strange circumstances we will be conducting interviews with all members of staff. Vic, I’ll start with you,” Shirley announced. I felt my chest tighten. For a second it seemed like time had stopped.


In Shirley’s office, once I had finished my story, she crossed her arms and seemed distracted. She rose from her desk. Her red shoes brushed across the carpet as she came to face me. I always tried to avoid staring into her eyes; it was like gazing into the eye of a snake.
“So let me get this straight,” she said “You know absolutely nothing about where Gordon is, despite the fact you were the one who handled the Lithuania figures.”
“Yes that’s right. I had them finished a couple of hours before but Gordon didn’t seem to realise they were on his desk,” I answered.
“Come on, Victor, we all know that you’re never the innocent one.” She spat at me.
“Shirley I swear I’m innocent. You know I wouldn’t do anything to compromise the company. We all need each other,” I said. Shirley maintained the same hard look. It was clear that something was eating inside her. She sat behind her desk and folded her arms. She then reached down under her desk and, from there placed the tin full of money on it. I went cold.
“Recognise this?” she asked “Seems you and your fellow workers have been having a friendly competition.” I didn’t answer.
“What were you betting on? Sales numbers?” Shirley asked. Still I remained vigilant.
“Or was it that you bet who could pull a funny joke on Gordon and get away with it?”
Everything around me seemed to stop; my heart rang in my ears.
“Don’t deny it Vic, Neil already gave you up,” Shirley said. “He said you started the pool and you were the one who changed it. Also, we all remember the incident that lead to your bonus being docked. The fact you would even try to weasel out of this is sickening.”
“It was a joke Shirley. I didn’t know Gordon would take it badly”
“Jokes have consequences Vic, that’s something you never seem to learn” Shirley said. I looked away from her, as I had no answer.
“I can’t understand you Vic,” Shirley sneered, “There is no legal reason that I can dismiss you, but in light of your recent behaviour you’ve become a liability.”
“A liability,” I gasped. “What about Gordon? He was crazy.”
“Maybe, but he was in charge. Yes, he’s had his issues over time but he was still a team leader who cared and that’s more than I can say for you, Vic,” Shirley said. “You’re a bully Vic. You pick on people’s weaknesses and exploit them. I expect your resignation on my desk tomorrow. Now get out!”
In any other situation I would have done what she’d said and walked out of the building quietly. This is what I could have done; I also could have hit several bars and preached mistreatment to any person sat near me. Instead, I folded my arms and looked Shirley in her sinister green eyes.
“Very well, if that is your decision then I guess I will accept it, but let me say this. I’ll be back, you’ll see,” I said.
Shirley rose threateningly,
“Just get out before I call Security,” she growled. With that I left her room.
Everyone eyes were on me as I emerged. They all knew the score because no doubt either Neil or Shirley would have told the whole office by now. In a way I revelled in the spotlight, it meant that I had an impact in the place. Over on the far side of the room Neil was gazing at me.
As I reached my desk I sat down. At this moment I wasn’t sure how to feel about things, I should have felt like a complete bastard for being so spiteful. My phone buzzed once more; I knew exactly who’d be on the other end.
“Is it done?” The Familiar voice sounded
“And dusted” I answered. There was a pause on the end of the line.
“Sorry you had to do things this way; it must have been a trying time for you.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll live.”
“Very well, I’m in the Red Lion, why don’t you swing by?” the voice suggested to me. I felt a grin begin to spread across my face once more.

The air in the Red Lion stank of stale beer and crisps. Several of the patrons looked as if they hadn’t moved at all that day. But it wasn’t them I was looking for. As I searched the bar like a scanner, my eyes caught sitting in the far corner. There he was, the one man who had saved me. Gordon pushed a spare pint towards my chair and beckoned me to sit down. He had a gleeful look in his eyes, just like when he’d taken those pills. I smirked at him as I walked over.
“I don’t what to say Gordon?”
“Deception is an art my boy,”
“So when do we both start?”
“Next Monday, seems we’ll both be paying Shirley a little visit.”
As we clicked glasses the noise sounded sweeter than any sound heard before, Gordon raised his pint to me.
“To the Bank of Lithuania and to DCC,”
“No, to Malcolm fucking McKay,”
It seemed that I was going to be true to my words with Shirley. I would be back, but not as the man we know.