Let's Just Pretend (Part 2)

Hawaii was far more beautiful than I had ever dared to envisage. Although it was winter there, and as a result it rained everyday during late afternoon, I would've mistaken it for spring. Every day I embraced the bright, warm sun. I spent a lot of time alone because my parents liked to go sight-seeing. Sight-seeing didn't really appeal to me so in the morning we'd part for our own ways, and they'd do their thing and I'd do mine. I woke early every morning to work in the hotel gym and then breakfasted in the buffet. The rest of the day I'd spend lazing around at the beach, surfing, sea kayaking, chatting up the local girls...sometimes I'd take a bus out to the nearby rain forests and go mountain biking or go pelting through the lush, wet, muddy paths on foot. When it rained, I would go shopping or watch TV.
I'd reach the end of the day and realize I hadn't thought of you all day. Physical exertion and keeping myself busy drove away all thoughts of you. But when I slowed down however, I always felt my thoughts drifting inevitably back onto you. I ended up thinking about you a lot. I missed you, Rique, and I could only wonder if you missed me as well.
It was nearing the end of our holiday when I finally came to a decision while I washed off all the salt water in the shower. The truth was...I missed you too much. I needed you in my life. I couldn't ignore you for so long. I decided then and there that I'd finally tell you the truth, and then I'd apologize profusely and then maybe ask you out. It was something that was way too long overdue. Yes, I would finally ask you to be my girlfriend.
It was that idea, that concept, which fueled me and washed away the feeling of dread that settled in my gut whenever I thought of my return and having to confront you eventually. In fact, I was positively looking forward to seeing you again, which was a complete different tune to the one I was singing when I got to Hawaii. I was looking forward to leaving so much that my parents thought that I hadn't enjoyed the holiday, which was bullshit, of course. But how was I meant to communicate to them what I had decided? They would never understand.
During the flight back, my mind's eye kept playing the little scenario I'd made up of our meeting, and I rehearsed what I would say to you over again and again. Nothing could go wrong; everything was meticulously planned out, just like a play. But fate, the grand diabolical schemer of all things had other plans on her mind.
When I reached home finally, I had a quick shower, freshened myself up before basically racing out of my house, vaulting over the fence and sprinting up your driveway. I guess I wanted to get it over and done with as soon as possible before I lost my resolve.
I knocked on your front door and then waited impatiently for it to open, panting. I was about to knock again when the door opened an inch and I saw your eyes peering out at me. Those eyes widened in shock. 'Jack!' You opened the door the whole way. 'You're...you're back'.
I saw you trying, but failing to smile, and I knew instantly that something was really wrong and immediately, the lines I'd practiced so many times in my head vaporized. 'Yeah, I...I just got back'.
'Really? Shouldn't you be like unpacking or resting or something?' You looked very uncomfortable, and you kept glancing back over your shoulder. You seemed anxious for me to leave.
'I-I wanted to asked you something...wanted to ask you a question'.
Suddenly, a guy appeared behind you, and suddenly everything became clear to me; your discomfort, why you couldn't smile, why you were so anxious for me to leave.
'Jack, this is Daniel'.
Daniel was an Asian guy with short, spiky hair and way too much jewellery. I instantly hated him. He just didn't look like a likeable character.
'Daniel's my...he's my boyfriend'. The words came out rushed and forced, as if they hurt your throat to say, but none-the-less, the impact they had shattered everything.
Did I react that visibly, Rique? Was I so obvious? But please, understand what kind of effect those words had on me. It felt as if you'd not only reached into my chest and tore out my still pumping heart with your bare hands, but also scooped out all the rest of my organs as well in the process, leaving me hollow and empty inside. Yes, it hurts when that happens, Rique, it fucken hurts a shitload. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think and it was as if those words were fists, hitting me over head so I felt punch-drunk. Did you not care how I felt about you, Rique? Did you not realize? Of course not, fool.
Daniel stood there, grinning like the fuck-tard primate he was. 'Daniel, this is Jack, next-door neighbor and close friend of mine...hey look Jack, can we go outside for a sec? I need to talk you'.
Daniel smirked at me as you led me down your driveway. If I'd known back then, how much pain Daniel would cause me, you, how much pain he would cause us in the future, I would've run back up and killed him without blinking. If I had, think of how much I could've saved; I could've saved everything. I could've stopped it all. But...I'd never paid attention in class, especially when they were teaching us how to tell the future. I wouldn't have known. I'm so sorry, Rique.
When you judged that we were far away enough, you turned to me, but I spoke first.
'Well done, Rique. You got yourself a boyfriend. I'm really happy for you'. I was surprised at how sincere I sounded.
You ignored what I just said. 'I just wanted to make sure you're okay with this'.
'What? Make sure I'm okay with what?'
'With me having this boyfriend'.
'Are you like asking me for permission or something?'
'No, I'm making sure you're okay with this'.
'What does me being okay with this have anything to do with you?'
'Because you're my friend, Jack, you're like a brother to me. I want to make sure all my friends are all okay with this'.
I didn't think being honest was the better choice at that moment. 'I'm fine with it, don't worry'.
'Are you sure?'
'Yes. I wish you both happiness'.
'You still hate me, don't you?'
'I-' but at that moment, Daniel swaggered down to us.
'What's he doing to you, angel?'
'Daniel, go back inside the house, please'.
'You sure, baby girl?'
'Yes, I'm sure. Now leave us alone'.
'Alright, give me a holler if you need me, aight, baby?' Daniel pointed at me. 'You break my angel's heart; I break yo' neck'.
I opened my mouth to retort, but your hand shot out and squeezed my wrist. Please you mouthed at me.
I looked into your teary eyes and closed my mouth. We both waited until Daniel was out of ear-shot.
'You came to ask me something. What was it?'
'Oh, that'. I shook your hand off my wrist gently. 'I've forgotten, it doesn't matter anymore'. I turned around. 'I need to unpack'.
I started to walk away again, but you reached out and grabbed my shirt.
'You might not want to touch me. Your boyfriend might be watching, and he seems like the jealous type'.
'When will you learn you learn to forgive me, Jack? I'm sorry'.
I walked away, leaving you alone on the driveway. Tears flowed down your face, but I had no more free emotional space. I had no desires to let you share your pain with mine; I was already drowning in my own.
*
So, as quickly as I thought I had you back, I lost you again. There was clearly something lost between us, something broken, and it would never be mended. You having a boyfriend was by no means a reason for us not to be friends, but as I said, something was lost between us, and somehow all our attempts of reconciliation failed pitifully and with more damaging results, so we both gave up. And so, slowly, silently, painfully, we fell apart. You got on with your life, and I got on with mine. I tried to catch the early-morning train when I could and stayed at school later doing homework in the afternoons. I never took your iTouch with me to school anymore. I guess I was a coward; I just could not face what I'd lost, especially when you hung so tantalizingly close.
I thought you were happy. You certainly seemed that way. When we did catch the same train, you were always with your boyfriend, laughing, hugging...kissing. That affirmed my belief that you were happier without me anyway; you didn't need me in your life to continue functioning. But then, one day by accident, I stepped onto the same train you did, and our eyes met for the briefest of seconds, and suddenly, your eyes became pools of startling transparency that trapped me inside. It showed me that you were floundering in depths of sadness and agony that far surpassed my own. Then your boyfriend pulled you on, and the moment was broken. However, that look gave me the slightest glimmer of hope that you would not continue through with this madness. It was this thought that kept me going for the next few days. It seemed that fate was playing her cards very close to her chest. She liked games, and she was going to play one more final, cruel game with me. It seems fate is not without a sense of irony.
I was sitting on the train, one morning. It had been a month or so since that incident on the driveway. I'm not sure exactly how long it had been; I hadn't been really counting the days or something. It sounds kind of cliché, but it was a day like any other. The winter sun beamed through the window. I let the swaying metal hips of the train gently rock me like a cradle. It had a calming effect on me.
Then, out of the corner of my eye I saw someone entering my carriage from the adjoining carriage; someone wearing black. I kept my eyes averted and focused on the window, but gradually my attention was drawn to the reflection of the person as she walked down the aisle towards me. There was a tinkle of chains as she sat down next to me.
'Hey Jack'.
I turned finally. 'Trinity. Hey'.
'You look a bit lonely there by yourself'.
'I'm fine'.
There was an intake of breath. 'Can I ask you a question?'
'Shoot'.
'What happened...between you and Rique?'
It was the question I dreaded, and it was one that I'd asked myself many times since, but because I'd always drawn blanks, I'd given up in the end. Believe me when I say that it was no easier trying to answer the same question when asked by someone else.
'Do you even know?'
'Honestly, I'm still not sure. I have no idea what happened. It just...happened. Things just got really weird'.
'Rique doesn't have any idea either'. Trinity hesitated for a bit. 'Perhaps I should be honest with you; perhaps I should come clean myself'. Trinity spoke in a gentle, polite manner that totally belied her looks. 'I was the one who introduced Rique to Daniel. It's not something I'm particularly proud of right now, seeing what it did between you two, but I never thought...You see, Rique fell for Daniel so badly. It was crazy, none of us ever...even...fathomed...' Trinity struggled to frame her words.
'It's alright. It's not your fault. I'm just...I thought there was something between us. I guess I was stupid'.
'No, there was, Jack. There was something between you two. I'd never seen her happier than when she was with you. She...she normally doesn't talk that much, if you really must know.' Trinity smiled sadly. 'Didn't you even see it when she skipped school for you? That's something she never does. There was something going on. If there wasn't, she wouldn't still be hurting about you. She was so torn between you and Daniel; that's why she drunk so much at that party'.
'I thought it was because of her parents'.
'It was both'.
'I don't get it. Why would she drink? If she was planning to use the empty bottle as the spinner in a round of 'spin-the-bottle' to help her decide between me and Daniel, ok, fair enough. But you only need one bottle for that'.
'She felt guilty that she was fooling around with Daniel, so she tried to get drunk. Pity, she's a sad drunk, not a happy drunk, so she yeah...felt even worse so I guess that's why she went to see you pretty much straight after. But seriously, you only cheat and enjoy it when you're drunk, right? I know, I know it wasn't really cheating but she still felt some kind of...emotional attachment to you. You weren't the only one who thought there was something going on'.
'What can I do now? She's got a boyfriend and everything. There's nothing I can do'.
'Oh really? Let me show you something'. Trinity stood up. 'Come on, follow me'.
I stood up warily and followed her into the carriage where she'd come from.
The first thing I saw was you, Rique, sitting there, alone, crying. I guess I reacted instantly. It was I who raced over to you. It was I who held you tightly in my arms. It was I who whispered in your ears, 'I'm here, I'm here. I like you as well'.
*
'So, let me see if I've got this right; you had a full on yelling match on the public train with Daniel'.
'Yeah, basically.' You stirred your coffee idly.
We were sitting in Starbucks after school, enjoying a nice catch-up...sort of. You remember dragging me there that day? 'No wonder you rich people get so much publicity when you break-up. You guys make it so dramatic'.
'Yah, quiet you'. Then you fell silent, staying hunched over your coffee.
'You've gone quiet on me'.
You sighed and sat up slowly. 'I'm sorry, I know it's not your fault, but I don't know what to say. It's as if...I feel that if I say something wrong by accident, I'll lose you again, Jack'.
That hurt. That really did. It cut into me and bled me, those simple words. You know I tried so hard not to let you see how much those words hurt. 'I'm here, aren't I? I'm here, and you're not going to lose me'.
'You promise?' Suddenly, a jarring vibrating sound cut through the air, and you reached into your pocket and pulled out your phone. 'Hello, umma...yes...no, I'm at Starbucks...no, just the one up the road...yeah...no, with Jack...yes, the boy next door...but umma...but, no...ok, ok, fine...yes, yes, ok, bye'.
You hung up the phone with distaste.
'You're mum?'
'Yeah'.
'Have to go home now?'
'Yeah'. You stood up and lifted your bag. I followed suit.
'Can I ask you a question? Why do you call your mum 'umma'?'
'It's Korean for mum'.
'I know, but...you speak English to her, and she's English, isn't she?'
'Yeah, but remember I lived in Korea for a while, schooling in an international school?'
'Yeah'.
'Yeah, I spent most of my childhood there, and I spoke both English and Korean, but mainly Korean because of my dad. I call my dad appa, so it was logical that I called my mum umma. But when I came here, it was out of habit, now I do it to annoy her'.
'Annoy her? Shouldn't she get used to it or something seeing that's something you've called her all your life?'
'Well, no, I call her umma to remind her of what an outsider she is'.
'Eh?'
You gazed at me levelly as we walked. 'She never really fit in, in Korea, being the only white person there and being unable to speak Korean. She married my father for money; I'm old enough to tell. She didn't come from a good family, and she...she didn't really want to have me, but dad wanted her to. She wanted dad all to herself, so she thought I was an intrusion. She never treated me well; I was always bought up by nannies. She tried to make me feel as uncomfortable as possible, and now I'm returning the favor, by reminding her'.
You must have misread my expression. 'I hope you don't judge me by that. I'm trying to be deadly honest with you, Jack. Me and my mum just don't get along. She struts around as if she was the one who raised herself from rags to riches and...my dad is a fool for her. Going home is so...I dread it, Jack. When you hugged me this morning, I wished you wouldn't let go. I didn't want to let you go because you made me feel so safe and so comfortable. I forgot everything at home. I don't want to lose you, Jack. I feel so safe in your arms'.
If only I could actually keep you safe, Rique. That would have made all the difference. It would have made all the difference in the world.
*
I lay awake that whole night, thinking about you, so I didn't quite have a massive heart-attack when you came knocking on my window at around five in the morning. I slipped out of bed and put on some clothes and then crawled through the window to join you.
'I hope you don't make a regular habit out of this'.
'What?'
'Being my personal alarm clock that I can't adjust'.
You laughed quietly as I slid the window partially closed. 'Maybe. It's tempting'.
'I should call you my Dawn or something, because you always wake me up'. And that's how you became Dawn; my Dawn. I looked over at you. 'You okay? You're not like drunk or something?' We walked leisurely onto the street.
'No, I just woke up and felt like seeing you'.
'What if your parents catch you?'
'They won't. Let's wait and watch the sun rise'.
We walked into the park again, up onto a hill and sat in the wet grass. It was still darkness all around us, and when I looked over at you, all I could see were your white teeth, gleaming at me in the dark.
'Did you hear the shouting last night?'
'Yeah. What was it about?'
'Me and mum again, what else would it be about?'
'What was the fight about?'
You didn't answer as the first sliver of sunlight showed above the distant mountain tops in the horizon.
'What was the fight about?'
'It's beautiful, isn't it? I don't think I've ever watched the sun rise'.
'Dawn...'
'Do you really want to know?'
'Well, yeah, at least give me a reason why you dragged me out of my bed at five in the morning'.
'It's not pleasant'.
'Fights never are'.
You seemed to study me in the semi-darkness. I don't know what you saw. 'If you really must know, it was about you'.
'About me?'
'Yeah. I told you it wasn't pleasant'.
'No, it's just...what have I done to you?'
'Well, umma thinks you're a bad influence and that I'm spending too much time and effort on you. .
'That's bullshit'.
'Well, it's what she thinks. She thinks I should be concentrating on my studies because, you know Grace College doesn't get such good results by fluke, which is fair enough. But...'
'And what do you think?'
'I told her that I think I'd know much better than her how much time I'm spending with you, and that I'd think I'd know if I'm spending too much time with you'.
'Would you?'
'No, not really, but she doesn't know that'. There was a pause. 'She prefers Daniel better, because...he's good with parents. He knows how to push the right buttons'.
'And what do you think of him?'
By now, the sun was already half out. 'I know you hate him, Jack. He's...he was nice to me. I honestly like him a lot, but things are over between us now, so you don't need to worry'.
'Why would I be worrying?'
'I don't know, don't ask me those kinds of questions please, Jack. I don't want to think about it'.
'Nor do I'.
The sun was nearly out, and the park was lit in a grayish light. A jogger bounded past. 'You know, my formal's coming up. It's in a month's time'.
'Have you invited the person?'
'No, I don't know who to take now. I have the dress ready now and everything. All I need to do is decide'.
'Well, you better be quick'.
You looked up into my eyes miserably. 'I know'. Don't make me decide...
*
We waited until we could feel the sun's warmth on our faces before getting ready to leave. I wished the sun-rise could've lasted forever, but we all know all good things have to end. We met only a few hours later at the train stop.
'Dawn, you know my parents like owned me when I got back'.
'What!? They found out!? Jesus, what did they do?'
'Nail me...excuse the pun.' You gave me a strange look. 'Well, they yelled at me...'
In truth, it was worse than that, but I didn't want to tell you for fear of worrying and scaring you. I did not want to do anything that might remotely compromise our newly patched up friendship. But I guess that doesn't matter anymore. I want no more secrets and lies between us anymore.
They were waiting for me when I got back. I don't know how they found out. I guess I wasn't careful enough. They yelled, yes, but it was infinitely worse. I felt as if I had betrayed my parents, all for a girl. They said stuff like that I should be focusing more on studies than on girls; that I was seriously compromising my chances of succeeding in life because I was at a vital stage of my education, and that my actions were only a step away from running away from home with some chick and getting her knocked up Those points were fair and true. But there was one comment that my mum made that...made me feel even worse. Remember why you can't get involved with that particular girl. I'm fine with you going out with some girls and dating a little. You're a teenager, it happens; hell, even I did it. But not that particular girl.
Not that particular girl. You. How could I explain to them the inexplicable warm comfort I felt whenever I was with you? How could I explain to them all the connections, all the inside jokes and stories we both shared? They never could understand. They still don't understand, even now, after all that's happened.
'Oh god, I'm so sorry. Is everything ok, now?'
'Yeah, things are...fine'.
'You sure?'
'Yes, I'm sure, Dawn'.
*
Exactly a week later, it was your birthday, and as a return favor, I decided to wag school that day and take the tram down to your school. I texted you when I got to your gates and you were out in a matter of seconds.
'Jack!' You flung out your arms for a hug. 'You didn't have to come, you know'.
'Of course I did. What are you talking about?'
As we walked away down the street, I took out a long, black velvet box. 'I got you something'.
You took the box gently. 'Jewelry, Jack? You really didn't need to go...oh my god'. You'd opened the box. Sitting inside on its black cushion was a thin, delicate white gold bracelet. A miniscule sun inset with an even smaller ruby sat in the middle. 'God, it's beautiful'.
I pointed at the sun. 'Dawn'.
'Oh Jack, this is the best present I've ever received'. Before I could reply, I found myself enfolded in your arms again. 'Thank you, Jack'.
After separating, we walked hand-in-hand down the street to the nearby Starbucks coffee shop. You chatted non-stop about what others had given you. It was the most cheerful I had ever seen you. As we stepped into the coffee shop, you said hello to the girl behind the counter.
'Wagging again, Rique girl?'
'Yah, get off it, Chloe'.
The girl behind the counter, Chloe, laughed. 'Happy birthday, Rique! Got anything cool yet?'
'Yes! Oh my god, look at what he gave me'. You pointed at me and then raised your wrist to show Chloe to show her the bracelet.
'Ohmigod, it's so beautiful! Ooh, you guys make such a cute couple!'
I blushed and looked for a seat. As you sat down in opposite me, you grinned at me.
'You really like your coffee, don't you?' I eyed the Espresso shot you were nursing in your hands.
'Well, I just like Starbucks. It's like my temple. And coffee beans are my gods'. You laughed. 'You know, I was hoping you'd just get me a diary or something for my birthday'.
'A diary?' I watched as whenever you moved you hand the speck of a ruby in the bracelet caught the light and flashed. I found myself congratulating myself on the purchase. It seemed that months of saving up had paid off. 'Why would I get you a diary??'
'Why not? Haven't you noticed that I kind of use you as like a diary? I rant and bitch to you so much. You know, I was thinking that I must annoy you so much making you listen to me bitch on and on'.
'I don't mind it. It's funny sometimes'.
'It would've been funny if you'd gotten me a diary. That'd be like subliminally telling me to shut up. But I should get myself a diary so I can write all my bitching down instead of spewing it out to you'.
I shrugged. 'Whatever suits you, but remember: I beat any diary you'll ever have. I mean, which diary talks back?'
You laughed. 'Yeah true, but STILL, I'm going to make it my birthday resolution; no more bitching to you anymore. From now on, I'm going to write all my bitchings in a diary. But I haven't got a diary yet, so until then, I'm still going to use you as my personal talking diary. I'm probably going to break my vow but...'
'You know you can't replace me with some boring, normal diary'.
'Yeah true, you are the best diary'. Your voice grew softer. 'You don't know how much freer I feel after confiding in you. You're like...an angel in my life who takes away all the burden from my shoulders and allows me to walk through this life without the chains dragging behind me. You're like the guardian angel in my life'. You looked into my eyes. 'You're my angel'.
*
So, that's how I became Dawn's Angel. I could stop the story here now, I should stop the story here, but it would not feel right. There are still some parts I want to get off my chest and let go of, however painful the process will be, somewhat turning this story into like a catharsis. But that's wishful thinking again, believing that I can let go of what I've done. Who am I kidding? I shouldered all your burdens and chained myself with your chains, binding myself to earth and reality; binding me to you. And there's no one I can share the load with, and no one to break my chains.
*
There was one day you weren't on the morning train. It was the first time ever I'd missed you in the morning, so naturally, I got a bit worried. I asked Trinity. No, there were no early arrangements that she knew of. She called your home. No, you weren't at home, having left quite early. That soothed my heart a bit, and so I hoped that you were on the other side already, waiting. I spent the whole ride fidgeting with Trinity sitting next to me, comforting me. When the train pulled up, I pushed everyone aside and leapt onto the platform.
But no, you weren't there either. My mind ran through a list of possible places you'd be while I checked my mobile. There were no messages from you. I scoured my brain for answers. I remembered hearing another fight last night...you might be feeling down. Where'd you go when you were down...? The answer came to me in a flash: Of course, your temple, Starbucks.
Being too impatient to wait for a tram to take me down, I ran all the way to the local Starbucks. The run nearly gave me cardiac arrest, but I thought it was worth it if I found you. But I still vowed to get fit afterwards.
Panting, I approached the girl behind the counter. I recognized her as your friend, Chloe.
Chloe recognized me as well. 'Hey, you're Rique's boyfriend, aren't you?'
'Er, not really, but have you seen her?'
'Yeah, she's...' Chloe pointed at the second floor.
'Oh, so she's actually here. Ok, thanks'.
I started to walk away but Chloe leaned over the counter and caught my arm. 'She's...' She made crying actions.
'Oh. Okay, thanks'.
I made my way to the small second floor and peered around in the semi-lit area. I found you immediately; sitting huddled in the corner on a two person couch. A coffee cup sat on the table in front of you.
I came over and say down next to you, wrapping my arms around you. 'Hey Dawn, what's this? What's going on?'
'You found me, Angel. I knew you would'. You leaned gently on my shoulder.
I brushed away a tear on your cheek and lay my head on top of yours.
'I love you, Angel'.
I looked down at you. 'That's a serious thing to say, Dawn'.
'And I'm serious'. You raised your head and looked at me with your haunted eyes. 'I love you'. You placed your head back onto my shoulder. 'Don't you wish that things could stay like this forever; just you and me, and no-one else? If only you could fly, Angel. You could take me away...far away, maybe to the moon even, where there is no-one else'.
'That's wishful thinking. That stuff never comes true. I have to be back at school in-' I checked my watch 'exactly fifteen minutes'.
'Let's just pretend that nothing out there matters. Let's just pretend it's just you and me, and no-one else in this world cares; no-one else in this world matters. It's just...us'.
'Dawn, I have to tell you something. I have to tell you why I freaked when you told me you liked me; why I had to put some distance between us in case we got into something we couldn't back out of. I have to tell you why you're here and not in Korea and why your mum is such a bitch. I'll tell you everything'.
That's what I should have said. But I didn't say anything. I should have told. I should have at least said something. But I didn't. I should've have told you earlier. But I didn't tell you because I didn't want to lose you earlier. I didn't tell you because it was unpleasant.
You gazed at me. 'You know, I'm glad we moved next to each other. I'm glad to have known you'.
'Do you believe in fate?'
'No'.
'Really? Why not?'
'Because I don't like the idea that whatever I do; all my actions, whatever, don't mean a thing. I like to be in control of my life'.
'So you don't think fate has thrown us together?'
'You make us sound like Romeo and Juliet. Star-cross'd lovers.'
'Except Romeo and Juliet had a sad ending'.
'We won't have a sad ending. So you think things could work out between us?'
'I think so, yeah'.
*
If I had known that that was the last time I'd ever spend with you, I would have done things so differently. I would have said so much more things, but I thought that we would have ages with each other, those things could wait. How wrong I was.
The next morning, I hastened to the train station in the morning, looking forward to seeing you again. I was excited about something, but right now, I can't remember why. I think I was glad to have things off my chest. I was glad that I didn't have any more things I had to keep hiding from you. I think I was planning to finally ask you out.
When I got onto the platform, you were there. I started to jog over to you, my chest bursting with excitement. Until I saw who you were with.
Standing opposite you, was Daniel. He was holding you hand lightly, and he seemed to be talking to you quietly. You had your head bowed, and as I watched, you nodded. And then you two hugged. 'Jack, you don't want to see this'. I saw Trinity striding over.
'Jack! Oh my god, you're here'. You had turned and noticed me. You started running over to me but I turned heel and started to walk away. 'Jack! Jack! Angel!'
I walked faster and faster, away from the scene I had just scene, away from the horror I had just witnessed. I had no idea where I was going; I just wanted to escape.
'Angel, please'. You caught up to me and grabbed my hand, but I shook it off. 'Please, it's not what it looks like'.
'I get it, Rique. I get it. You choose him'.
'No, Angel, I don't! I never did, Angel, please, listen to me. I choose you, I always have. I love you, Angel'.
But I ignored you and walked out of the train stop, leaving you alone, crying. I must have walked for ages, aimlessly, without any idea where I was going. By pure chance, I found myself outside a Starbucks coffee shop. I walked in and sat down heavily.
If I could turn back time, I would turn back to this moment. It was there and then, I made the fateful decision to shut you out of my life forever. By the time I tried to turn back on that decision, I was too late, my decision had already been locked in. The same fate that I thought had pitted us together tore us violently apart.
The next few days went by quietly, and I went back into avoiding mode. I knew at last that...I was better without you.
Your formal night came and went, and I barely noticed it. What should have been one of the happiest nights of the year turned into one of the blandest. And I almost didn't mind.
And then next morning, as I came down to breakfast, my dad met me. As soon as I saw his eyes, I knew something was wrong. He slid the morning newspaper to me. The newspaper article ended everything. Lines jumped out at me.
Formal Tragedy
'What should have been a night of celebration turned to shock and tears... two teenagers... involved in a horrific car crash ... year eleven formal night... alleged that the car swerved off the road and smashed into a concrete pole ... split the car in two...left both occupants of the car with serious injuries... driver... seventeen year old Daniel Chang... but stable condition in hospital... However... passenger, seventeen year old Rique Lee ...not so lucky...sustained heavy head injuries ...still fighting for her life in hospital...doctors await results today...Police suspect that the driver was drunk.'
I stared at the picture, not wanting to believe. I couldn't make out much; just a heap of twisted, black metal. But then I saw the Mercedes Benz insignia and I knew that it was you, Rique, not someone else. 'Oh my god'.
Fifteen minutes later, I was charging through the hospital. Trinity, who was sitting outside your room, immediately stood up when she saw me and grabbed me as I walked up to her. 'Let me see her'.
'Jack, Jack...you're too little too late. They...' Trinity struggled speak the words through her tears. 'They turned off her life support yesterday'.
*
You died on the seventeenth of August. It took you just under twenty-four hours. It's been two weeks and I still do not believe it. I remember Trinity catching up with me at the funeral. 'Rique didn't even go to the formal; no-one saw her there. But Daniel was there, and drinking a lot. I think he went to her house half-way through...and they must have had a fight'.
She then took out a small envelope. 'She wanted you to have this, probably when she was still alive. Take it, burn it, eat it, whatever. She was hoping...you'd come back'. Tears started to spring up in her eyes. 'You're one sorry guy. You could have had her, you know, you could have had her. She loved no-one else but you until the very end'.
I still haven't had the heart to open that letter yet, because it'll just remind me of what I could've prevented. I've got the letter right here with me now, see?
Up to now, I'm still not sure if I could have had you. But it doesn't matter. I've lost you now, and I can't get you back. And it's no consolation to know that I could've stopped it all. There was so much I wanted to do, so much I wanted to say to you. I hope you'll forgive, where ever you are. I know its unfair asking you for forgiveness when I didn't learn it myself in time. It's so unfair that you were involved in the crash with Daniel. I would have given anything to be beside you during your last moments. And now Daniel is still living. And you're not. Fuck Daniel, I wish he was dead.
There was a large funeral service, and your mum personally sent an invite to me. Maybe she's regretting trying to keep me away. But her regret is wasted. It's too late for her even. After the funeral service, I was invited to your school for a farewell party. There, I met your friends. I felt so out of place, with your friends in their expensive black suits and dresses but they greeted me like...I was a brother. I realized how lucky I was to be loved by you. It's ironic how I only get to set foot in your school...after your death.
You remember when you took me to that movie on my birthday? That day you skipped school for me? And we saw that sad romance movie? You remember when you cried, and you asked me why I wasn't crying? I remember I answered, 'I'm not that kind of emotional guy'.
Well, let me tell you. I've cried. I've cried so much. And I dropped a tear into the ocean. The day someone finds that tear, that's the day I'll stop loving you, and the day I'll forget you.
But the only light at the end of the tunnel is the thought that every breath I take, every step I take, everyday that I live, brings me closer to seeing you again. That's all I live for, and the thought that I will see you again, gives me enough strength to get through another day. And if I pretend that things didn't go wrong, then I can sleep at night. But only when I pretend.
~~~~
Trinity paused at the entrance of the cemetery. It was raining, but she didn't mind the rain; it mixed with her owns tears and hid them. She could see Rique's grave from here; it was the one marked with an angel. Yet it was not the statue that caught her attention, it was the lone figure sitting at the angel's feet. He was saying something, but she was too far away to make out his words. His head was bowed as if he was praying.
Trinity looked down at the pink roses in her hand, then back at Jack. With a deep breath she walked to the nearest grave and placed them next to the weathered headstone. She traced her finger along the chipped border of the stone. Rest now, baby, she whispered, looking up again at the boy sitting beneath the angel.
She turned and left.






Let's Just Pretend was inspired by a Jay Chou song calledtf)Y, which translates into Fine Day'. In it he tells a story about skipping school for a girl he loves. I wrote the story just to really pass the time.
This is fairly different to the others I've written. This time I've steered away from friendships and all that gang hardcore stuff. It's the first time I've written a straight out love story and it was very...different. For those who are unfamiliar with my own little fictional world I've created, most characters re-occur in other stories, where their other aspects and secrets of their lives are revealed for example, characters who are fairly minor in this story, such as Trinity, have much larger roles in others.The secret Jack has is therefore made clear in another story.
Also, as pointed out by one of my friends, there seem to be quite a few links to the movie trilogy of 'the Matrix'. This is actually unintentional! I never noticed.
I hope you guys enjoyed this! Thankyou.