TILL DEATH DO US PART

   

      My wife never seemed to understand that concept.  I’ll tell you  I’ve 
never met such a strange group of women in all my life.  I’ve been through five
wives so far and still I can’t seem to find the right one.
    You know what I mean I’m sure.  If you’ve been in the game long enough I know you know what I am talking about.  It’s not easy out there looking for women in the jungle.
There are all kinds of weird ones out there.
    Like the first wife.  The one that never seemed to understand the word submit. 
Doesn’t it say about wives submitting to your husbands in the bible?
    Oh I thought so.
    Now you sit still.  I’m getting to the point.

    The knife is making you nervous?
    Oh I’m sorry.  I’m not going to put it away.  I will show you something in just a
second.  The knife tingles in my hand as I run it down between your breasts.
    I love to watch you squirm.
    Careful don’t be trying to struggle to hard you’ll cut your wrist pretty bad.  I have that tied really tight.
    Oh I know you want to talk but I’m afraid if I take the tape off your gonna let out
with a scream and get me in trouble.  No one knows we’re in here you know.  This is my office and it is closed for the night.  The hallways are dark and  there isn’t a soul in sight.

    Oh yeah. 

    My first wife wouldn’t listen to a thing I had to say.  She thought she was the one in
charge can you believe that?
    Her in charge.
    Losing her mind over me not helping her with the chores around the
house when I come home after a long hard day at the office and I’m supposed to help her with the dishes and laundry?
   
Don’t think so.

    Wrong answer.

    Not for me. 

    Always running her mouth about this and that calling me any kind of name in the book she can think of and flapping her gums about nothing.  I told her she shouldn’t be talking about something she knows nothing about. 
    You know what she said.
    She said I was crazy.
    Me crazy.  Can you believe that?
    She’s the one who need the help.
    Then when I got home late one evening after working on a big project she had the
audacity to accuse me of cheating. 
    Cheating?  I said.
    Why I wasn’t going to sit there and tolerate that nor did I have to put up with it.  I am not a cheating man.  Understand?
    Oh of course you do.
    You don’t think I’m that way do you?
    No.  Of course you don’t.  That’s right just shake your head I understand.
    This knife.  I just need to  prick you just a bit to see some blood to make me feel
better.

Yes that’s what I need.

    Hold still now.  This will only hurt just a bit.
    Oh yea that feels so good.
    Now I just need to suck it. 
    Oh it’s so delicious.  Lip smacking good I say.
    Just let that be. It’ll stop bleeding in a second. 
    After she called me a liar and a cheater I hauled off and smacked her in the face.  Now I just hate to have to correct you women this way but somebody out there needs to teach you all a lesson or two about how to treat your man.
    Unfortunately she smacked me back and I had to do something about it.  I thought
long and hard.
    How was I going to handle this situation?
    I jabbed the knife deep into the pit of her stomach.  Her face twisted as her eyes grew wide from the shock not yet realizing she had just been stabbed.  You know it felt good. I will tell you now I have never felt a rush like I did then.  She was the first one.  There was a large part of me that felt bad for her and for what I had done.  I mean I did love her you know.  I  did it’s just that sometimes you women need a little correction.

    Oooooh.  Does that hurt?

    So sorry.  I didn’t mean to  stick it in that deep.  I just want to shave a little off the
thigh.

    Nice and easy cut just like filleting a fish.  Your skin is so nice and delicate.  Cuts so good.  Just a little sliver.
    There we go.  You see that?  Doesn’t that look pertty?  Would you like to try a bite?
    No?
    Okay then suit yourself.  Maybe later.
    Emmmmm..  Taste like chicken.
    Okay then there was wife two and three who couldn’t seem to get the house hold
chores right.  They thought that they didn’t have to do the laundry and cook for their man when he got home.  The house was always a mess and I had to constantly remind them to pick up and clean the house every once in a while.  I don’t think any one of them had a descent mother to teach them the ropes.  You modern day women these days.  None of you know what your doing.  Why my second couldn’t even breastfeed right.  ’ Oh it hurts.  My breast are so sore,’ she would groan.
    Sick and tired of hearing it.
    When are these women going to stand up and be women?  I mean real women for crying out loud.  Bunch of know nothings.
    I fixed’ em up real good.
    Back to the knife.

    The second I waited till she went to sleep and sliced her throat.  She hadn’t known it then but I had put plastic under the sheets so she wouldn’t ruin the mattress when she bled.  I had just spent a lot of money for one of those you sleep right mattresses so she
could have a good nights rest.
    Well she got it that night.
    I sliced the knife deep across the throat because I like to make those deep gashes then I wrapped her up and tied her into a bundle and tossed her off the bridge into the Hudson River.
    See ya.
    The third.
    Oh what did I do to the third?
    I’m sorry.  Did that hurt?
    Good.  Cause by now I’m really getting frustrated. 
    The third I stabbed her in the bathtub.  The look on her face was worth a thousand
bucks.  I felt like I was starring in one of those horror movies.  Oh the feeling was good
and  delicious.
    I bet your in some serious pain right now aren’t ya my little sweetie pie.
    Are you my sweetie pie?
    Oh I know your are.
    Here real soon your gonna become real dizzy and things are going to go blank and you won’t feel a single prick, a slice as I cut off a chunk off these delicious thighs of yours and cut up the rest of you and freeze for later along with the others.  That’s what I do with the wives that don’t make the cut.    What else are they good for?  It’s not like they’re capable of doing anything else.  Soon you are going to be among the others.  Why it only seemed like yesterday that I tossed my fifth wife in the freezer.  You’ll meet her as well, she was a bossy little thing.. I guess that had something to do with her career.  She some kind of hot shot  CEO of some  baby bottle corporation.  Oh she made good money but that was the only thing she seemed to care about.  I didn’t care about the money.  I wanted some loving.  She was always too busy to do anything and was constantly at work.
    Enough of this.
    It only took me three days to realize that she wasn’t making the cut.
    I killed her.
    Sliced and diced and in the freezer
    I don’t know why I like to eat my wives.  Maybe it’s just some sort of stress relief or
something.  I would talk to a doctor about it but he would only say I was crazy.  Me
crazy you believe that? 
    Oh please don’t cry.  It’s not your fault you turned out this way.  If you want to blame it on somebody blame your parents especially your mother.  She was the one who failed train you right.
    Oh I know this hurts.  I do.  But it has to be done.
    Good bye for now.  I have to get this over with because I have a hot date.  I think she may be the one.