Introduction to A Psychological Analysis

Well I suppose this is where it begins. I don't know that I am entirely correct in what I am doing but I am doing it none the less. You see, growing up I didn't have the best of childhoods yet at the same time I miss it dearly. It was filled with mystery and exploration whether it was in my room, the outside world, school, the internet, or friends. It wasn't always good exploration however. I had a very wild imagination and it holds tight to me to this day. I've often wondered if I were insane and have considered multiple times going to counselors or therapists. I did have a counselor when I was young but I vaguely remember her. What we discussed I'm not exactly sure but I do miss it. Speaking has always been difficult for me since I have a lisp and I just don't relay information that well. When I was a preteen I was very antisocial and kept to myself and my best friend at the time. Yes, I admit I was shy and even afraid. Afraid of social interaction and the pain that could come with it because of my health problems at the time. Growing up I led a very sexual life as well which sticks to me even today. Something in my past messed me up and I can't let go no matter how hard I've tried but at the same time I have no idea what that might be. In high school I had a wide range of friends who brought me out of my shell and I went from shy to just simply quiet. I even counseled my friends and to this day I have a friend who sometimes comes to me with his issues. But it was my high school sweetheart who still effects me. She left a hole in me that ever since I have tried to fill. Ironically, she brought the worst out in me. I lashed out in anger and fears I had never known even in childhood. The difference from being severed from my father for two years and being severed from her is that my dad returned and she will not. My dad didn't go off and find a new son but it was the law who kept him from me. She found herself a new man however and won't return to me. My distrust in the government and my disgust with society might be because of what happened with my dad. I never made that connection until now and it makes sense in ways. My lies didn't begin until then either. You see, I am truly a man with many faces and many traits. But aren't we all; I mean do you truly know who you are? Then tell me- are you who you are when you're with family? Or are you who you are when you're with your lover? Are you the same with them as you are with your friends or maybe strangers or internet bloggers such as myself? If you said yes then you are a liar too or in denial or simply ignorant. Either way, you truly are not. Truth is never truth unless it is true to everyone constantly. If t is not, then it is a lie. For example: who you are. In middle school I worked on a Time Theory based around quantum theory. I showed it to my teacher who contacted his friend who was a college professor in physics who contacted me with the scientific comity who invited me to a Science Conference to present my work which I never attended and soon afterward dropped my studies. I was content but science doesn't need to get its hands on something like that, they'll get it themselves one day although I could have used the money right about now. Then I began studying religion and Hebrew, Aramaic, Greek, and so on. I still do but I'm now also studying psychology. What a perfect field for me. Before I studied quantum physics, I studied ancient Egypt and at the age of eleven could read hieroglyphics. I self taught myself everything and my family had little to do with it except for my papaw who urged me to study physics. When I dropped my studies, he was sorely disappointed and is so even now. However, with my spark interest in psychology he is encouraged since he himself studied it and he and his team once created MAP (mental assessment program) as a self-help program. Sure I can be intelligent and get all the scholarships if I wanted to. But, why would I want to? A part of me wants to and the other part doesn't at all. I have what's called a Balanced Brain and I am a EXXX personality type. I have found very little personality traits that were dominant on one side; I have always been both or in the middle, probably because I have a Balanced Brain. Now days, I express myself in writing in a journal and listening to music. Music seems to have a way to express how I feel and the words I want to say in a dramatic climax. Often I find the world boring and enjoy my world better. Because of my social behavior, I already have a social theory of my own and I find it more and more supported by famous psychologists such as Maslow. But, there is also a different side to my story. A much darker one I might add. As I stated before, my high school sweetheart brought out the worst in me to the point that my hatred began to manifest itself. I don't know how to explain it. The atmosphere between us was dark and dark things began to happen and physically manifest itself. I believe it's possible for us to create our own worlds and if we dwell in it for too long it becomes entirely real for us and eventually real for others. An old friend of mine spoke of how when we sleep we manifest ourselves and everything seems real to us. We can physically interact with which that is not real. He pushed it to a new level in stating that if we were to awake but our mind still were in sleep mode hallucination, we will physically manifest what is real to us but not others. The game Silent Hill explores this theory as well. I will admit now, Silent Hill has had a huge influence on me and my theories. But, one day the proof of this happened between my sweetheart and I. Eventually in my hatred and resentment I had begun to fall into "the darkness" and be consumed by my own little world. Once while I was in the bathroom and her in the living room a dark figure came from the hall from where I was (the bathroom being in the hall). Her pit bull growled and charged the thing and lunged on it slamming it into the wall outside the bathroom door knocking a picture off the wall allowing me to hear the event. She ran into the hall thinking it was me only to find nothing and probably the disappointment it hadn't been me. We were the only ones in the house. At the time we thought demons but now I believe it was me or at least my hatred manifesting. Oddly, it happened on a good day. This world and our mind' worlds are filled with mystery. Maybe one day I will figure out its mystery as I did time. In further documents I will explore the concepts further and go into detail about other theories of mine. I have much to share.