Spillage

the endless fights about how
we fought how I
never listened to your complaints I never
cared about your feelings you were
always whining about something what kind of
man prattles on about his feelings

the ones where I hurt you
because I could because you
let me I played with them I
stayed instead of leaving you
pretending to believe he was only
a friend of a friend
my boss
our neighbor
your cousin

you said don’t you see
I am crying because of you I laughed
when I should have apologized daring
you to leave me if you could
if you were going to you would
have long ago I reapplied my makeup

carefully smoky eyes and dark
lips foundation covering the hickeys of
the night before over my shoulder
in the mirror
you stared

hopelessness pitiable but not moving

you said you have no respect for me
as a person I thought you were
different you were the only one I told so
many things to by now I had plenty of
experience in tuning you out I let
the cadence of your complaints
guide the sweep
of the mascara brush forward back
forward back

you’re breaking my heart
why won’t you talk to me I don’t
know what I did wrong how can we
fix this until I was all done looking foxy
hoping I could tempt tonight’s date
into think the same

and you cried then real tears
hands covering the shame of
ugly splotchy heartache
didn’t I warn you long ago not to

fall in love with me that I only knew
how to break and not create
and I didn’t really
want to change it was you
laughing then at my relentless
negativity

in the most defeated tone I had
ever heard you use
you did the warning
if you leave tonight we are done
there is no going back
I dismissed you and left

It was morning when I got home
the sky nowhere near lightening
on a cold November
the seventeenth a Friday
somewhere between five and six

I wasn’t worried
about being late when it was my boss
I was out with last night I went to the
bathroom to wash the night from my face
smoky makeup running like bruises
from sweating and dancing

I looked like I’ve been crying I almost went to
wake you to say something nasty about how
you’d finally gotten me
to open up but decided against it since I ached
truth be told these late nights were taking
a toll flipping on the light switch

I thought I had knocked over
my lipstick nail polish
the red streaks dark and shimmering
like my lips or fingertips
except

no I had painted my nails two days ago
I was wearing
chocolate passion tonight so what

they tell me
I screamed I don’t remember that
wouldn’t it please you
now I am the one crying because
didn’t you know

I was damaged

I told you my stories same as
you told me yours how could you leave
that on my conscience walls I hate that
you have the satisfaction
of seeing me
taking you seriously