God Who?

I have my doubts lately about pretty much everything in my life. Everything I’ve ever believed about myself, others, relationships, life, God. Because pretty much everything that can be proved has been disproved in my life, I doubt the things I can’t prove but always believed. So many things I thought I could trust have proved to be just so much bull, that I don’t trust anything is as it seems, not even myself. It’s pretty bad when you learn by experience not to trust anyone, but it seems particularly frightening and disorienting when you don’t even trust your own motives or actions or thoughts. It’s like you’re outside of yourself watching a stranger. And you’re not sure if you really have any control over what is going on.

Lately I’ve been wondering about God. I’ve always believed what I believed through faith, because despite all the circumstantial evidence, I’ve never seen solid proof that He really knows of my existence, or cares. I don’t doubt that God exists. I’ve weighed all the options as far as how life could exist on earth as we know it, and I can’t see it just happening spontaneously. But it’s just a theory as far as it goes. So, since it’s unprovable in this lifetime, I’m basing my theory on the best data we have, and I’m comfortable with that. So I guess it’s not really God that I’m doubting, but our concept of God that we have developed for ourselves over the centuries. Our mythology of God. And our religion.

Religion in this age seems so self-serving, and so needlessly sacrificial, all at the same time. The worship can be such a selfish time – how it makes ME feel, what I get out of it. We change churches because we don’t like the music, the structure, the way the pastor presents himself, or herself. And “service” has gone from bringing people to Christ to whose turn it is to serve at the snack table, whose turn it is to serve in the nursery (so the parents can experience worship without the little darlings breaking the mood), whose turn it is to lead worship. We have choir practice, worship team practice, meetings for youth, meetings for senior citizens, meetings for church planning, building fund meetings, etc. We have car-pool drivers for paintball tournaments, youth rock concerts, and rafting trips. If we are lucky, someone may bring a previously unchurched youth to one of the outings, or someone may bring an unchurched friend to services. But what are those people actually getting out of it? Are they learning about God or learning how to look like a “Christian” in this era?

I just doubt the whole religious charade, and don’t see a lot of benefit in it for the average Christian and definitely no benefit to God or the unchurched. I think the whole church scene has become a “party college”. If any learning goes on, it’s just a happy accident. And the hypocrisy I’ve seen among some so-called Christians makes me have little respect for anyone who calls themselves by that name.

But I have doubts a lot deeper than that. At this point, I doubt whether God, as we have envisioned Him, exists. We have such a mythology about a personal God who cares about our every need. I just don’t see it. If He cares so much, it seems He would intervene more in the daily lives of Christians. Stop us from doing stupid things. All the crap you hear about, “I cried out to God, and a rainbow arched across the sky, but I didn’t see it,” is just that. Crap. A way for humans to rationalize the lack of communication from a so-called “personal God.” All this maudlin stuff I read about how if we don’t see God in our daily lives, it’s our fault for not looking and seeing seems just as lame as any Confuscius quote. It’s circular reasoning. I think that we just don’t want to acknowledge that we may very well be on our own, with no backup, and that this life, as much as it sucks, may be as good as it gets. Our religion teaches us to just become a martyr and we will be rewarded in the end. Of course, if we aren’t, we won’t know it anyway, so who cares?

And whether or not I believe in God, I will say, I really do not believe in religion. I think it is one of the most divisive forces on earth. If you don’t believe in God, religion is just a waste of time, unless you just like the kind of people you meet at church for totally social reasons. If you do believe in God, it’s a waste of time because you could be doing a lot more meaningful work. I think belonging to any church organization is a waste of time, unless there are certain activities you would be involved in anyway, such as youth sports, etc. Since each family knows exactly what their family needs as far as Bible study, etc, it seems to me that families would be better off staying home on Sundays and developing their own studies. And their own outreach. That is more along the lines of first century church, anyway.

I know what the Bible says about not failing to meet together, but my entire family is Christian. I can’t neglect to meet together with other Christians on a regular basis. I’m with Christians every holiday, and then some. It seems that our family gatherings are less Christian because our “church families” become the place for us to express that, so our actual family time has very little to do with God. We don’t pray or study together as a family because we do it separately at church. I think the church is possibly part of the problem with the American family. It’s to the point where every single member of a family goes in different directions as soon as they step inside of “church”, and meet up again to go home. Every one is studying something different, and so there is no basis for discussion when you get home. Am I the only one who sees this?

And that’s even depending on whether or not our ideas about God are even legitimate. I know our concept of church nowadays is not based on the first century church. That’s pretty obvious. But how can we even be sure of whether our concept of God is anywhere near accurate, or if we’re just performing circus tricks for a nonexistent audience? I think I’m ready to step back and rethink the whole thing.

I’m not sure if grace is really any more humane than legalism. At least under the old covenant, you knew the rules, and if you broke them you were punished. You knew what you deserved, and you got it. If you commit adultery, you were stoned to death, and that’s the end of it. Now we have to continue in our lives with all this sin dragging around behind us. Sure, once we repent we are supposed to embrace the grace of Jesus Christ and move forward in our lives as new creatures. I don’t think I’ve ever met a person whom that works for, except the ones who are deeply in denial, and are in possible need of psychiatric help. It’s kinda humiliating. We screwed up – we know it, everyone else knows it, and we’re just supposed to act like everything is okay? Most people end up living with their tails between their legs. I think I’d prefer to be stoned and have it over with. I wonder if walking in grace is really supposed to be any easier than dying in our sins?