Looking Back - Day One

Alex was a tiny, withdrawn five-year-old with the biggest eyes I’d ever seen when she came into my life.  She wasn’t something I was searching for, but perhaps I was looking for something to fill a hole.

Would I go back and change things if I could?  That truth escapes me.  It depends what day you ask me.  I mean you have to understand, I thought it was a sign from God, something He wanted me to do.  However, over the last fourteen years, sometimes I swear I can hear Satan laughing in my ear.

I had raised three wonderful children. Why would someone at my age want to start over again?  Why would I ask my husband to?  It’s simple.  God told me to.  Or so I convinced myself.

She does bring me joy.  Her smile warms my heart and rejuvenates my spirit, but those moments are few.  Feeling love for her is easy; liking her is often a chore.  I guess that makes me sound like a bad mother.  Well, I’m tired.  I’m tired of the masquerade that I’ve been putting on for the world, while my family and I suffer in silence behind closed doors.

I think horrid thoughts, things parents shouldn’t think.  The thoughts dance in my head more and more each day. Maybe Alex was just born bad.  Maybe I’m being punished for being prideful.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up, and she'll just be gone.  The nightmare will be over. What scares me is some days I don’t even feel guilty about these thoughts.

People don’t understand.  It’s not that they can’t.  It’s just easier for them to ignore it.  They think all mental illness can be fixed with a pill or therapy.  Some even believe it doesn’t exist.  I admit I was one of those people fourteen years ago.  Now I realize all too well how wrong those ideas are.

So what does Alex do that is so awful?  It’s hard to explain, even to myself.  She doesn’t do drugs or hang out in bars.  She isn’t sexually promiscuous.  She’s not in and out of jail.  At least not yet.  What she does cuts deeper than anything I’ve ever felt.  And you can see she enjoys that pain.  I guess that it’s not what she does, it's who she is.  Alex hates with a depth that is immeasurable.

My daughter is a sociopath.



Link to Chapter 2

Chapter 2 - Fix my Angel  (18+) Not all problems can be fixed, no matter how hard we try. #1582682 by audra_branson