Fear

Fear, it has controlled me for quite some time now. It has tested and teased me for years, and no, I’m not talking about scary movies or monsters under the bed. I am referring to the type of fear that causes you to second guess yourself. It has been a terrible vice of mine, to say the very least. I have learned by now that it is only an obstacle created subconsciously, fashioned when excuses are few. Fear in its simplest form, is doubt. As FDR said, “We have nothing to fear, but fear itself”. A statement that is true in every possible aspect, despite the simplicity. Whether it has been hesitation to talk to someone or to do something, both are missed opportunities and afterward you can only wonder about what could have been. There are times when reasons for opposition are present and legit though. This is or is not fear, but either way common sense is present. For example drugs and alcohol, because they are dangerous there is a good reason to “pass” on these not so opportunistic opportunities. Danger invokes fear. It is a primitive reaction. As far as feelings go, like the drugs and alcohol, they invoke fear because they are dangerous, socially that is. As the human species we are social and being alone is a phobia of ours. Fear can be invoked physically, mentally, or emotionally. Sometimes its rational sometimes it is not. Decisions put us in a place of power, but can also put us in a bad place. A place that can cause regret due to an irresponsible decision, but confidence and success can also erupt from a well made decision. What if there are decisions that aren’t so obvious though? Such as a decision that can either greatly improve something or completely eliminate it. The real question is how are you going to choose? You enjoy what you have, but if more is possible, things later in life can improve. The answer, well part of it anyway, is information. If you have enough information you can try to make an educated decision, but there is never any 100% guarantee. I know this and despite my awareness of my weakness I cannot control it. You can only hope, although wishful thinking isn’t exactly an excellent habit either…
You see, I have always second guessed myself, and now it may be my downfall. I am in love with my best friend, and I don’t want to lose them. That is what I am afraid of, for my feelings are taboo. This can go two ways: I could lose my best friend altogether or they can become more than that. I will never know though, for I will never tell. I shall keep it confined within myself, and pray for a miracle. You may say "go for it", but fear will stop me no matter how much encouragement I receive. It is a monster; it’s a monster I created. It will lock away my feelings until they disintegrate within me or explode out of me during an indecent time. I know this and I always have. I just can't bring myself to do it.