Zombie Awareness: A Formal Letter

I was challenged by some friends to write a convincing, intellectual paper to the principal for a zombie awareness club another friend wanted to start at the school. I readily accepted and wrote the letter below. Apparently, he didn't find the deadpan humor amusing, as he thinks I belong in an institution now. Perhaps I do.





Dear Mr. Kerohulas:



We would like to request permission to create a Zombie Awareness And Defense Club at Croswell-Lexington High School. We believe that the formation of a group dedicated to educating the students on how best to survive a zombie outbreak would be extremely beneficial. Due to the highly theoretical nature of the subject, we will of course be teaching all of the most popular conjectures regarding how best to defend oneself against the living dead. This information will be an invaluable resource to the students.Though they will hopefully never have to put said knowledge into action, they will be prepared for the worst case scenario, something the typical person cannot claim.

We will cover home fortification, supplies needed for sustained defense, and the best offensive and defensive equipment. We’ll discuss different outbreak scenarios and the best possible strategies for each of them. An important subject will be the diverse types of zombies that have been hypothesized. We will talk about the classic “Living Dead” type, the slow, shambolic menace. There’s also the more resilient Max Brooks version and the accompanying survival technique. Then, there’s the fast, more sentient zombies that are becoming more popular in today’s culture.The last group is really more of a metaphor than anything, representing the fast-paced world of the 21st century and how problems are no longer advancing slowly on you, but rather, sprinting. Of course, it is best to cover all the possibilies.

You may ask, “Why is this revelant? There’s no such thing as zombies.” Well, my answer is that there are no recorded incidents yet. We may very well be on the precipice of a massive viral outbreak. New, more powerful strains of known viruses are produced everyday. A mutant strain of Rabies, for example, could give victims all the characteristics of a classic zombie without the initial death. Science has advanced to truly astounding heights in the past several decades. As H.P. Lovecraft wrote, “We live on a placid island of ignorance…and we were not meant to journey far.” One wrong experiment could lead to the creation of some sort of infection that, through the dormant electrical activity in the brain after death, could reanimate the dead.

Ignorance will, without a doubt, be the number one problem in the event of an outbreak. If we can inform people now and prepare for it, their chances of survival will increase tenfold. Obviously, the program’s influence will not be so great as to turn the tide against the Undead, but we can make a difference among the members and their families.



Sincerely,



Vincent Lucian Dirge





Rantings of a madman or genius?

I would say the former.