Rewind

NOTE:  This draft is a scene for a larger work in progress entitled "Fix You."  This particular scene is in Eli's perspective.

“Averlyn.”  I whispered her name, my voice low.  I hoped she would take her beautiful brown eyes off the board, turn them my way.  Just one look, just a speck of acknowledgement, that’s all I asked.  Anything to know that I exist, that what we had existed, that what we had was real. 

I saw her lips tighten and she did the exact opposite of what I wanted her to.  She turned away, looking down.  Now I could no longer see her face, only her soft chocolate-colored hair.  I closed my eyes and sighed, exasperated.  I didn’t know how much longer I could handle this.

I knew it was all my fault.  I had pushed too hard.  I’d made things too difficult for her.  I just wanted her to be happy.  I wanted to take Averlyn away from the horrible life she’d been trapped in.  Everything I did had backfired and now we return to day one in which she does not speak to me.  She keeps her distance.  The silence killed me – so did the lack of her smile, the smile that always brightened my days.  Now, I was begging her to look at me, say my name, touch my hand – anything.  Every day, I was losing.

In the car, I punched my steering wheel in frustration, nearly busting my knuckles.  The pain spread from the point of impact to the rest of my hand and I grit my teeth.  Honestly, this pain was nothing compared to Averlyn’s denial. 

I covered my face with my hands, rubbing my eyes to wake me from this nightmare.  I just wanted to rewind, go back to the moment before I went too far and just… rethink what I was doing.  I thought she could handle it.  I thought I would be well-received.  Was it really true that some people didn’t want to be helped?

It just didn’t make sense to me.  I let it run through my head over and over again as I drove home.  I’d done this every day for three weeks.  She used to laugh, used to be happy; Averlyn used to profess how much fun she was having with me.  And then I needed to stay away?  I didn’t understand…

Dinner, as usual, was a depressing affair.  It had been this way ever since Averlyn stopped coming here.  I didn’t want to eat.  I ended up transferring most of my meal from my plate to a container then put it in the refrigerator.  My apartment was unusually quiet and dark.  She was not here to lighten the atmosphere.  It never used to be this way before her.

What did I do before Averlyn?  I didn’t do this.  I had homework and went out with the guys and read novels, endless novels.  So why was it that now that Averlyn was gone, I felt like there was nothing left of me?

I couldn’t let her go.  I had to try once more to get her back.  I couldn’t let her go – she’d taken my life with her.  She was my life.

I jumped up from my spot on the sofa and grabbed my keys.  I ran out the door, quickly locking it behind me and ran down the stairwell.  I slammed into the glass door, pushing through it.  Suddenly, I was soaked.  It had been raining and I hadn’t even noticed.  It didn’t matter – rain was the least of my worries at this point.  I ran down the side of my building, toward the parking lot and skidded to a stop.  There she was, standing between my Highlander and her Reliant, in the pouring rain. 

Her eyes were so sad.  I couldn’t tell if she was crying – any tears had blended in with the rain streaming down her face.  “You know…”  Averlyn’s voice strained over the noise of the rain showers.  “I try so hard to keep people away from me.  I guess I feel that it’s simpler that way.  I don’t have to explain myself or the bruises or the scars to anyone.  I don’t have to pretend if there’s no one to pretend for.”

Averlyn held herself tight beneath the pouring rain.  Her hair was stringy about her face, soaked.  I was getting soaked myself, but somehow, I couldn’t move.  I was frozen, staring at her.  “Eli… being with you is the easiest thing I’ve ever had to do.  And that scares me… it scares me so much because… my entire life has been work – hard work.  It seems that I don’t get anywhere without working myself raw.  Being with you also requires me to be free.  And I’ve been behind bars for so long, Eli.  I’ve become comfortable that way and that’s disgusting.  It hurts to be with you because it’s the exact opposite of what I’m used to.  And believe me… that’s a good thing.” 

Averlyn pressed her full lips together.  Her beautiful brown eyes squinted against the water, but I felt her stare straight into my gaze.  “Please… just give me time.  This is difficult for me, breaking out of my shell.  But nothing’s more difficult than staying away from you, Eli.”  She shook her head.  “I don’t want to do it anymore.”

All of this was such a relief to me.  Only minutes ago, I had the intention of finding Averlyn and making some sort of speech, any sort of speech, to get her back.  Presently, I was compelled to run to her, to take her in my arms and press kisses all over her face, but I had a few things I needed to get off my chest. 

“Averlyn, I…”  I pressed my lips together.  Just say it.  “The past few weeks have been hell for me.  I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I surely cannot focus.  It seems that everything I do, if you’re not with me, it’s meaningless anymore.  I was leaving, just now, to come find you.  I just couldn’t take it anymore, Averlyn.  You stole my heart, and you didn’t give it back before everything fell apart.”

Even though the rain still drowned her face, I could tell she was crying.  Her face told me that much.  “I can’t give it back, Eli.  I would if I could because I don’t deserve you, but I can’t.”

My feet stepped forward without my permission.  I stopped once we were so close.  I tilted my head down, she tilted up to look at me.  “Averlyn, you deserve everything good in this world; don’t ever think you should get anything less.  And I never wanted you to give my heart back – I know you can’t because it’s yours to keep.  I just…”  I shook my head.  “I can’t…”

Words couldn’t express what my lips wanted to say.  So they said things differently, exploring her lips, her jaw, her face… it dawned on me that this was our first kiss.  I wondered if she registered the same fact.

Still in the rain, Averlyn pulled away from me.  I was almost fearful of her reaction, but she kept close,  her hand reaching up to smooth my soaked hair away from my face.  Her beautiful brown eyes, still squinting in the rain, gazed into mine curiously, as if she didn’t understand what had just happened.  Maybe she didn’t.

“We should probably move inside,” I suggested, breaking the silence.  “We don’t need to get sick, either of us.”  Her face transitioned from questioning to agreement and I took her hand, leading up back up to my apartment.

I put hot water on the stove as soon as we walked in.  I handed Averlyn a towel and a pair of my sweats.  “They’ll be too big, but… better than nothing, at least while your clothes dry.  And there should be a blow dryer in the bathroom, beneath the sink.”

Her eyes looked up to catch my gaze and she smiled.  “Thanks.”  I’m pretty sure my heart quivered.  I’d been waiting to see that smile. She brushed past me to the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. 

While I was in my bedroom, drying off and changing, I heard the blow dryer click on.  Noise.  Knowing that she was the cause of the noise was so relaxing to me.  I felt whole again, now that I had Averlyn back.  I knew how much I had missed her, how painful the whole ordeal had been, but now that I had her back in my life, the contrast was even more tangible.  I was so sick without her.

By the time I left my bedroom, Averlyn was still in the bathroom drying her hair.  A million thoughts were twisting and turning in my head.  Was the kiss too much?  Wait, she even said she had my heart.  She has to feel the same about me.  But what if I was mistaken?

All my thoughts were pacified as soon as Averlyn left the bathroom, her hair dry and up in a ponytail, and wrapped her arms around me.  I closed my eyes and nuzzled my nose against her hair, then she tilted her head and initiated a mind-spinning kiss.  Her lips probed mine, her tongue dragging across my lower lip.  I knew she’d never been kissed before, but for being so inexperienced, her lips knew exactly what they were doing and it was phenomenal. 

“What does this mean?”  Averlyn asked breathlessly, pulling away.  “We’re not picking up where we left off.  This is… different.  What does it mean?”

I finally opened my eyes.  Her eyes were filled with happiness, but also confusion.  I reached up to cup her cheek with my hand.  It was so sad to me that passionate emotions, someone loving her, were so hard for Averlyn to detect, to understand.

“It means I love you, Av.”

Almost instantly, her big brown eyes filled with tears.  She blinked, and the biggest droplets I’ve ever seen slid down her cheeks.  “No one’s ever loved me before.”

It was a shocking response that stabbed at my heart.  This poor girl, instead of saying that no one had ever told her she was loved, believed that no one had ever loved her.  Not a parent, or a grandparent, not a friend…

I’d never realized until that very moment how incredibly spoiled I was.  I knew along the lines of finances that I was incredibly lucky, for lack of a better term, but I’d never really thought how blessed I was to have such a large, overbearingly loving family.  I loved them all dearly, but I loved them as if every person was so privileged to have such a great family.

In that moment, I loved my family more than I could possibly imagine.  I was embarrassed to know that I had taken so much for granted.  I was also hurt that it took Averlyn’s pain and tribulations to show me this.

Her goodbye kiss was filled with so much passion and so much inexperience, it was nearly sloppy, and I loved it.  “I will see you in class, I promise.”  Averlyn kissed me again, her hands gripping the collar of my shirt as she crushed her mouth against mine – I could tell she was enjoying this new-found expression just as much as I was. 

“Please… don’t leave,” I begged, my arms holding her body against mine.  “I won’t be able to sleep tonight.”

Averlyn grinned.  “Neither will I, but we’ll both just have to try… You know I have to leave and you know why.  But I promise you, Eli.  I will see you in class and everything will be different.  Better.  No more ignoring you, no more… silence or awkardness or pain… I can’t do it anymore, Eli.”  She sounded breathless.  Averlyn certainly took my breath away as she kissed me once more.  “I’m sorry.  I have to go.”

I took a deep breath once the door shut behind her.  A sudden emptiness filled the room and I was very aware that I was alone.  The tingle of her kiss lingered against my lips – they throbbed for her mouth to be against mine.  My arms ached for her to be in them.  This night was going to be unbearable, I just knew.

My phone buzzed around midnight.  I was wide awake and had been tossing and turning all night to try to get comfortable.  I knew the only way I’d be able to sleep was if Averlyn were with me.  She’d never stayed longer than eight or eleven, if Clarissa was out of town.  I wanted to change that.

I didn’t even bother to look at who was calling me before I held my cell against my ear.  “Hello?”

“I told you I wouldn’t be able to sleep either.”  As soon as my mind registered that it was her voice whispering, a smile formed on my lips.  “Will you talk to me… until I fall asleep? ”

“I’ll talk to you as long as you want me to,” I replied.  “I miss you, Averlyn.”

“I miss you, too… You know, I’ve been replaying this night over and over again in my head.  And I…  you’re a really good kisser. ”

I chuckled.  “Am I?  I have to say, Averlyn… for that being your first kiss, you made my head spin.” 

“I did? ”  she sounded genuinely surprised.  “I didn’t know what to do, I just sort of fell into it and I had no control over my body.  I… hold on, I think someone’s up…”  For a few moments, all was silent.  “Okay.  I think she’s back in bed.  Anyway… I have to tell you something.  Are you still awake? ”

“Av, there’s no way I’m falling asleep anytime soon.”  I pushed myself up in bed, leaning my head against the wall.

“Good.  Okay, so… when you told me you loved me, I didn’t say it back because I thought you would think I was only saying it because you did.  And that was your moment – you chose that moment to confess that.  I wanted to have my moment, to be able to say it how I wanted.  I think this is my moment, Eli.”

I closed my eyes.  I loved the sound of her voice – it had been missing from my daily life for too long.  I was hanging on to every word.  “Okay.”

"Don’t think the past few weeks have been easy for me.  The moment I shut you out, it hurt so much and I realized it was so painful because I was in love with you.  I didn’t just want to be friends.  I wanted more, and that really scared me because I didn’t know if you felt the same way.”

Hearing this disappointed me.  Had it not been obvious that I wanted more from her than simply friendship?  I wanted to punch myself.  I could have saved us all this trouble had I just kissed her on a whim instead of surpressing all my feelings, wondering if she felt the same way for me.  It only goes to show how much the unspoken causes trouble.

“Eli…”  I heard her sniffle and her voice filled with sadness and tears.  “You’re the only thing I have to live for.  And I love you so incredibly much, I really do.  I love your green eyes and the way they look at me.  I love your arms and how it feels when you hug me.  I feel security and warmth, which I’ve never had.  And your kiss… oh, god.  Honestly, I just love everything about you.  When I’m with you, all the horrible things in my life go away.  Sometimes I just can’t believe that you love me.  It’s so hard to accept when I come home and everything changes.”

“Averlyn, believe it.  Accept it.  I’ve never met anyone with half as pure a heart as you have.  I’ve fallen in love with everything about you.  It took me being apart from you to really understand how much I need you in my life.”  I took a deep breath.  “It’s interesting because… I have everything, Av.  I’ve never had to worry about food or clothing.  I don’t think I’ve ever needed anything in my life.  And then you come along and…  you’re the only thing I’ve ever needed and wanted so bad at the same time.”

“I’ve never been wanted, not in my own home.  Sometimes I get to the point where I don’t even want myself.  And to be wanted by you…  life is good.”

It was nearly two by the time Averlyn started drifting to sleep.  She fought it, trying to stay up to continue our conversation, but I knew as soon as her speech began slurring that she was leaving me.  I whispered her name a couple times and when there was no response, I snapped my phone shut.  I couldn’t bring myself to set my phone on the bedside table.  I fell asleep with it clutched in my hand.

When I walked into class on Thursday, I paused in the doorway.  Averlyn glanced up from her seat and smiled at me.  My heartbeat slowed in relief.  She looked beautiful, her cheeks pink, everything about her face glowing.  Averlyn dropped her pen against her notebook and leaned forward, elbows on the table.  I couldn’t help but smile back at her.  If the room hadn’t been filled with people, Averlyn would have been in my arms in that second, my lips against hers.  Someone brushed past me in the doorway, muttering something rude, and I finally motivated myself to walk over and sit beside her. 

When I sat down, Averlyn didn’t even say hello.  Quickly, almost bashfully, she pressed a kiss to my cheek.  Her manner made me smile.  Averlyn reached for my hand, lacing her fingers in mine.  It was almost awkward, the way she stretched her arm to hold my hand.  Realizing this, she scooted her stool close to mine, the legs noisily scraping the floor.  I chuckled.

Deanna must have heard me and turned to see what I was so pleased about.  At first, her expression was calm and curious, but when she realized the change in our relationship, if it wasn’t fire that flared in Deanna’s blue eyes, I couldn’t tell you what it was.  She had been so self-satisfied the past few weeks, witnessing both Averlyn and I suffer.  I’d had hunches about Deanna before, but ever since Averlyn, I saw right through the girl. 

Class finally ended.  My hand never left hers beneath the table.  I was glad to leave the confines of the room so that I could wrap my arm around her waist as we walked to her next class.

Averlyn reached up to trace the circles beneath my eyes.  “You look so tired.”

“I didn’t sleep very well last night,” I said. 

“Oh…”  She wrapped her arms around my waist and squeezed.  “I’m sorry.  For what it’s worth, I slept really well.  Hearing your voice was like a lullaby.”

“I’m glad one of us got some sleep.”

Averlyn looked up at me with her big brown eyes.  She was contemplating.  “Let’s go to your apartment,” she finally said. 

We stopped walking and I turned to face her.  “Av, what about class?”

She grinned and shrugged her shoulders.  “I have three allowed absences for this class.  I can use one.  I just want to be with you right now.”

I reached up to stroke her cheek.  “You really don’t have to do this, you know.”

Averlyn took my hand and massaged her thumbs against my palm.  “I want to.” 

I grinned.  “I don’t advise this sort of behavior… skipping class… what’s next?  Smoking?  Binge drinking?”

Averlyn laughed and started pulling me in the other direction.  “Take me home.”

I blinked, stopping in my tracks.  “Wait, you want to go home or to my apartment?”

She gave me the sweetest smile.  “Eli, your apartment is home.”