Greatest Hope, Greatest Fear

Divorce starts, generally, well before the legal proceedings.  It starts with the emotional death of at least one of the spouses.

My current divorce started 3 weeks before I asked my wife to leave the house we were renting after 18 months of, well, Hell.  I won't disclose details in this, a semi-public venue.  I will say that there was no infidelity or any of the "normal" trigger events for a divorce.

It has been 5 months.  My wife and I are both in our separate apartments.  The house is finally emptied and ready to be turned back over to the rental management company.

It has been made more real now, just in case anyone doubted it.

The road of bachelorhood lies before me.  My journey has a full itinerary of required detours, side trips, and rest stops.  Recovery.  Healing.  Regaining, or maybe finally defining who I am as a single entity.  Losing weight and gaining health.  Starting my Master's degree.  Determining a career direction for the next phase.  Financial rebuild.

I'm 45, I'm going to be busy, and the prospect is at the same time exhilarating and terrifying.

One of the things I've told myself is that I have no plans of dating for a year after the divorce is final.  Two would be better.  My family and friends will guide and support me through my emotional recovery.  Work and school will be my self-distractions.  This is not something that a new relationship would survive - I'm damn hard to live with when I'm stable.

And yet I know two things as sure as I know my eyes are blue.

Karma is listening.

I crave that which I have been missing.

What have I been missing?

Intimacy.  Being appreciated for who I am, not as a means to an end.  A simple embrace for no particular reason.  Sex.

I crave the feeling of being loved.  I miss the oneness that a healthy relationship brings.  The feeling of being able to do anything because you are believed in.

Despite my overall disdain for the human herd, I have come to accept that I assume a healer role in my romantic relationships.  Even if it's simply helping my partner explore a new aspect of herself, even the strong among us need emotional support.  That is who I am - I am the chameleon that gladly assumes the role needed to help her grow.  And in doing so, I am fulfilled.

And this creates my greatest hope and my greatest fear. 

My hope is that I will find someone to share life with.  To learn her.  To love her.  To support her.  To be supported.  To put joy into her eyes.  To feel joy again.  To bring peace to.  To be at peace.  And yes, for the sex that only comes from deep knowledge of and complete trust in each other.

My fear?  I won't be healed enough to hold up my end of the relationship.  That the rebound will destroy the next relationship.  That I won't be able to live up to my own expectations of myself.  That I won't recover from this.


And Karma's role in this?  Imagine Karma and Fate watching from above.  Karma pokes Fate in the ribs with an elbow, pointing down, and says, "Watch this..."

She'll be pointing at me.  Because she's put a woman in my life's path that I simply can't live without.  And the timing will be comically horrible.