Learning to Live

Knowing
I sat impatiently on the makeshift exam table, twitching the hem on my shirt. I scrolled through the past weeks trying to remember how many times I waited like this? How many hours had I wasted reading last October’s Cosmo, hoping for my name to be called next? The truth was I had lost count after the seventh doctor. My sudden headaches and fatigue seemed so trivial when they began three months ago. They had now evolved into my personal mystery. In the pursuit of answers I was subjected to more tests in the past three months than my entire college career. I had been stabbed more times than Julius Cesar and a scar was now forming in the crook of my arm. Every new test result was accompanied by a new specialist and a new theory. The latest theory sent ice through my veins; non- Hodgkin’s lymphoma. The last word drained the air from my lungs every time I said it aloud.
I retraced through the memories of my life; what had I done to deserve this. I kept away from drugs and alcohol. I’ve had a boyfriend for almost four years now and had still managed to keep my virginity in tack. I was a straight A student in the hardest marine biology program in the country. Growing up in Hawaii I developed a certain affinity for the ocean and all creatures that lived below its waves. How every organism coexisted in such a way unmatched by humans intrigued me from age ten. I wanted so badly to belong to that world. My lack of gills put an end to that dream-it would seem I had to settle for marine biologist. I started at the University of Hawaii over three years ago and now with only a year left it appeared my dream would never become a reality. If I did have cancer my life was nothing more than a waste.
The sound of the door handle jostled me from blank thoughts and swelled the balloon of stress in my chest. Dr. McCammon waddled in, files in hand. My life history was squeezed tightly between her sausage fingers; all neatly arranged and color coded. At this moment she knew more about me than even I did.
“Well,” she hesitated, “its stage one non-Hodgkin’s’ lymphoma.”
My mind seemed to gloss over in that moment and the background noise of my life, my personal soundtrack, stopped playing. The increasing silence muffled Dr. McCammon’s words but I didn’t strain to hear her. When the possibility had been mentioned a week earlier it felt as though my heart stopped. My body’s betrayal had shocked me into tears many times in the past four days. The reality however set in quite differently. My heart was keeping its normal pace and no tears escaped my eyes. I found myself wondering if it was possible to exhaust all your tears.
“I don’t understand! She’s only 20! This doesn’t make any sense!” tears were streaming freely down my mother’s face. “How could this be happening? She such a good girl…” My mother played the role of distraught better than anyone I knew but the truth was if my chemo interfered with her standing nail appointment she’d miss the chemo. The thick skin I developed in the third grade was the only thing that kept me from threatening her life on a daily basis. 
Dr. McCammon put a supportive hand on my mother’s shoulder “it’s actually quite common in women her age.”
My mother pulled her tear streaked face from her hands; it looked as though she had just slapped my mother hard across the face.  “Why us?” my mother whispered.
The doctor stood there, her supportive expression etched in stone. How many times had she done this? How many death sentences had she given? How many frantic parents were there? I looked at her now with growing sympathy; how hollow she must be inside to deal with so much pain every day. She waited for my mother’s fit to finish before she continued. I assumed my outlined treatment planned was the norm for someone in my position; radiation, chemo, yada, yada, yada.
“How long?” the steadiness in my voice stunned me a little.   
Confusion set in on Dr. McCammon’s face, “till?”
I took a few breaths to steady my voice again, “how long have I had this?”
Dr. McCammon shuffled to the corner and took a seat, “Based on how much it’s spread…maybe five months.” 
I almost felt almost embarrassed; how had my body kept such a poisonous secret from me for so long. My hands shook a little when I pulled my jacket tighter around my body; I was trying to work up the courage to ask the question that was on everybody’s mind. I gazed at my mom, “am I going to die?”
Dr. McCammon took a deep breath before answering, “Casey…” she paused, “right now we know very little.”
“How many people diagnosed with this die?” I was still looking at my mom. Maybe a brave front on my part would keep her eyes dry.
“We should probably run more-“
“How many?!” I was looking at the doctor now.
“With stage one, at your age…close to 80 percent.” She spoke with absolute resolution. She knew my chances; she could probably pinpoint my last month. Eighty percent, a statistic, that is what my life had boiled down to. I was a box that someone checked. I was a face of a donation drive. I was nothing more than a place for someone’s misguided pity party. It was so unfair; my life was hardly lived at all. There were so many things that would be left unfinished. Every moment of my life had been carefully premeditated to protect my future; a future which no longer exists. Panic gripped my thoughts. I had worked so hard for so long and it was all for nothing. All my weekends were spent studying, tutoring, performing community service or volunteering.  All my awards, honors, scholarships were wasted on a victim of circumstance. Anger stated to pulse through me. I had worked nonstop for three years on an unattainable degree. That thought scared me more than my own realized mortality.     
The drive home was longer, maybe in anticipation. I still wasn’t sure what I was anxious for but the feeling was still persistent. My mother was back in her happy place; humming with a stupid smile plastered across her face.  My room was the still the same, all my belongings in their proper place. Maybe I was expecting a disaster scene, I wasn’t really sure. I stood there for a moment, bank-faced, trying to reorganize the chaos in my head. The vibrations from my phone jostled me back to reality.
“Hello?” my voice was still calm.
Peter’s voice was tender even on the phone, “How did your appointment go?”
“Fine, my teeth are shiny white and cavity free.” A dentist appointment had been my cover. No point worrying him for no reason was my original thought.
“We still on for the movies tonight?”
“Pete…I still have a lot of work to do, maybe tomorrow night?” 
I could hear him sigh over the phone, “You’re going to kill yourself with all this work!” I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony.  “What is so funny?” he wanted to know.
“It’s nothing… I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Sure. Bye.” I let the phone fall to the floor.  My mother tapped lightly on the door frame. “Was that Peter?” she asked.
“Yep”
“Well?”
I turned around, “well what?”
“Well what did he say!?”
I sighed, “Nothing mother…”
She stepped closer to me, “he didn’t say anything? Isn’t he upset?”
“I didn’t tell him”
“But…” shock spread on my mother’s face.
“Mom please…” I rubbed my eyes, “I’m pretty tired.”
My mother pursed her lips, “Kay…get some rest.”
Peter and I stated dating my senior year of high school. In the beginning it seemed so surreal, our time together. He was my first boyfriend. To everyone around us we were perfect, a textbook couple. Peter had it all; grades, looks and a stunning future to match. Next week was our four year anniversary and even before my health problems surfaced my stomach caught in knots every time someone brought it up. Over the past few months my feelings for Peter had evolved. He had become a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on and nothing more. I didn’t love him, at least not the way he loved me. Maybe telling him I had cancer would soften the blow of our looming breakup. How selfish it would be to use my disease to placate my conscious. The truth was I wasn’t sure I wanted anyone to know. I was terrified of the pity that would make my break up easier. I didn’t want sympathy from Pete and certainly not from my best friend either.
Julian and I met when he popped my inflatable pool with his trike. Being only five at the time I swore him as my arch nemesis but reconsidered after him mom bought me a nicer pool. He’s been my best friend ever since. He knows more about me than my own mother; my favorite book, what I dream about, my biggest fear. My mother swore the two of us will get married some day but our little crushes for each other were never timed right. He was even my first kiss my senior year. My intention was to make Peter jealous and it worked but after that our relationship altered ever so slightly. The kiss, which seemed harmless, brought about unanswered feeling in both of us. A week later Peter and I were official and Julian was careful not to look at me a certain way or touch me for too long. Over the past few months I flirted with the idea of us becoming a couple but it never escaladed past fantasy. I didn’t want to risk losing my best friend to my emotions. It was probably pointless to hold back now; I was going to lose him anyway. I decided then it was best not to tell anyone anything until I knew more.     
I stepped up to my wall covering white board and continued on with writing scientific names. Knowing the phylogeny of elasmobranches was probably useless now but my studying rituals always calmed my nerves.
“What in the hell are you going on about?”I turned to see Julian’s smug smile.
“You know…shark stuff,” I started writing again.
  He grasped the marker in my hand, “Have you gone a single day without writing on this thing since you got it?”
I tried to pull my hand away, “Yes!” He arched his eyebrows as if expecting more.
“Last month I went on vacation…I didn’t write in it then!”
“That’s not fair!” he laughed, “You weren’t even on the island!”
“Well you did say I had to be in the state!”
He leaned in a little closer, still holding my hand; “Do you own any colored underwear?”
I finally freed my marker, “That’s none of your business!”
Julian set back on my bed, “That’s what I figured…”
“Are you here for a reason?”
“Just spending some quality time with my best girl,” he chuckled a little.
I went to set next to him on my bed, “Don’t let Pete catching you saying that.”
He sat up to face me, “What do you mean?”
“Well you’ve kind of become a sore spot for us…” I hid my grimace from him.
“Sore spot? Is he still hung up on that stupid kiss?! It was over four years ago!”
“It’s not that stupid kiss…it’s everything else.”
“Everything else?” the way he said it, with that stupid smile, meant he knew the answer already. Pete hated how much Julian knew about me and how he was always my first choice to give news; good or bad. Julian or course knew all of this. His smugness always made my blood boil a little. I brushed his arm with mine, “You know…Everything after the kiss!”
Now he looked confused, he was such an easy target. “Julian, I told him everything already.”
He stood up, “about?”
I stood next to him, gently pressing my palms against his chest, “Just about our feelings and all those plans we made…” I smiled sweetly, trying to hold back the laughter. His smug smile came back; he had caught on.
“Did you? I thought we were going to wait. You know…tell him together.”
“Oh shut up!” I tried to pull away but he had both my wrist. I fought against him, pulling him back on the bed.  “Get off butt munch!”
He stopped at that, “Butt munch? I haven’t heard that one since we were eight!”
“What are you two doing?!” My mother, as always, had perfect timing. Julian rolled off me and stood up.  “Hey Mrs. B,” he tried to recover.
“I can hear you both down stairs! Casey I thought you were tired, too tired to even talk on the phone!”
I stood next to Julian, “You let him in mother! Beside,” I gave him a small shove, “He baited me.”
My mom took one of her famous maternal sighs, the one that meant she didn’t need to know. “Julian, are you staying for diner?”
“No!” I tried to answer. He moved in front of me, “Sure Mrs. B!”
The happy façade that Julian’s presence forced out of my parents was an unexpected pleasure. Dinner time during the past few months had been awkward at best.  With company here the annoying questions about my never ending doctor appointments had stopped. No more “latest theory” talks. From a far our mindless chatter about Julian’s parents and the good surf on North end seemed trivial at best, but to me it was like a personal bubble of bliss. Every few minutes he would glance at me with his sweet smile and my clock rolled back five months. Nausea gripped my stomach and pulled me from my paradise. I clutched the arms of my chair; trying not to sound the alarm.
My father caught my face, “Casey, are you ok? Do I need to get-”
“I’m fine dad!” I interrupted.  After that my bliss never recovered. Julian stopped smiling and looked worried. My parents gawked at me as if I might explode at any moment.
“Is everything ok?” Julian and I were standing at the front door and the round of expected questions was freely flowing.
“Right as rain!” I smiled. Julian had a knack for knowing when I was lying. I remember thinking how his kids would have trouble getting away with anything but after knowing him for so long I realized his twisted sixth sense only seemed to work on me. How unfair it was to have to be honest with your best friend all the time but then again maybe it strengthens our relationship.
“Casey?!” He wasn’t buying it.
“It’s nothing…” It was clear that he was staying put till he got some answers out of me. “It’s just me and Pete…I think we’re going to break up.”
After I said it I couldn’t believe the words had come out of my mouth. It was out in the open now; waiting to be judged by my most important critic.
“Bout time…” He trailed off.
“Oh don’t hold back now! What do you mean by that?!”
“Oh come on Casey! You guys have been doing the break up dance for six months now!”
“And what makes you such an expert on relationships? What was your longest relationship? Two months?” I was more curious than angry.
“I might not be an expert on relationships but I’m an expert on you and…..”
I pushed him outside so my mother couldn’t listen in. “And?”
“And you don’t love him!” he said it so bluntly and with such confidence that I could hardly fight him on it. “Sorry,” he apologized. “I didn’t mean to…”
“Oh yes you did,” I wasn’t going to let him cover his track now. “Your right, I don’t”
He rested a hand on my shoulder the same way Dr. McCammon had done to my mother. He felt sorry for me, “Casey, are you ok?” 
“Yes! For the love of god! I don’t need your pity!” I retreated into the house before he could stop me. He knew better than to chase me. He knew I needed a minimum twelve hour no face-to-face cooling off period. Julian and I had only had two serious fights in our past, this didn’t even come close. Later I realized how stupid it was for me to get so angry. He was just trying to be a good friend but I was so sick of pity. My parents had been smothering me in it for five months. My stomach dropped a little when I realized how that pity might ruin our relationship if he ever found out. How long could I keep such an evident secret from my personal truth detector? Maybe my always over-working brain was making ridiculous conclusions. Was honestly still the best policy when it came to life changing news; or in this case life ending new? I could feel a tight pulse of pressure behind my right eye and I knew it was time to stop thinking and start sleeping. This headache was usually reserved for finals. I pushed my way up the stairs and collapsed on my bed, not bothering to undress.
My brain still in a flurry, always humming with worries and future plans. Maybe I should be grateful? How many people actually knew when they were going die? Was it even better to know? Did leaning I had cancer qualify this as the worst day of my life, or was that reserved for my death? Was everybody’s death their worst day? I guess it was dependant on that person’s will to live. Death might seem like bliss to somebody who wanted it, but do we ever really know what we want? My grandma referred to my grandfather’s death as a welcomed gift from god. But to see him deteriorate from a healthy and happy man to the empty shell he died in didn’t convince me. How could a god who loved you so much take away your life piece by piece until every reason you got out of bed in the morning had vanished? Why so many people thought god was so fair and just was beyond me; vengeful and petty fit a little better to me. If there was a god he was certainly doing everything in his almighty power to keep me from graduating.
Sleep came easy then; exhaustion from the day was finally setting in. Already, this morning seemed years away. Tomorrow my false reality would collapse and the fight to stay alive would begin.
“Casey!” I could feel my body shake. “Casey! Wake up honey,” my dad’s voice pushed through my slumber.
“Mmmmmm,” I tried to set up. “Wha……”
“You have school,” he sat next to me, resting his hand on my shoulder. “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to…I’d understand.”
“No….I’m up”
“Julian came by,” he had his stern father face on. “He said he didn’t mean it, said you would know what he’s talking about.”
I pushed the hair out of my face, “Yeah…I know.”
“Is something going on there Case?”
I could feel my face flush red; why did he insist on knowing the in’s and out’s of my relationships. “No, we just had a small fight. I’ll call him.”
“Did you tell him last night?”
“No…I wasn’t sure what to say,” tears welled behind my eyes. Fighting with Julian always made my heart ache a little.
”Sweetheart…not a lot people have a chance to share the type of relationship you and Julian have. Don’t ruin it right before you need him the most.” 
“I won’t”
My father left, bringing his stern face with him. I reached for the phone but I still wasn’t sure what to say to him so I put it back on the night stand. I glanced over my reflection in the mirror. I tried my best to smooth the knots from my blonde curls. The stress from the past five months was clear on my face. Dark circles matched my sunken cheeks. Cancer was already digging its toxic nails into my looks. I splashed warm water on my face, trying to bring some color back. I wiped the running mascara from under my eyes and added a fresh coat. Better but nowhere close to before.
I walked to my bay doors and pushed them open, walking out onto my wooden balcony. The temperatures were closing in on 110 degrees but the summer air in Anahola was never stagnant. The salt soaked breeze that rode in on the northern coast of Kauai enveloped Anahola in a comfortable ambiance. I sat in my rusted patio chair and hugged myself against its warmth. The Hawaiian sun was bright against the peeling yellow paint of my terrace. Serenity came easily to me in my own piece of sun soaked heaven. My patio was the only place where my life truly felt like mine; the only place I could really breathe. I called it Anahola’s stress free solace. I crossed to the edge and pulled a small pinto bean out of a hand-painted flower pot then tossed it at the adjacent window. Julian pushed his blue curtains back they pried the window open.
He looked so happy to see me. A fresh day always put him a good mood, “I thought you would just call.”
“Sorry,” I smiled at him.
“It ok…I prefer face-to-face.”
“No,” I laughed. “I’m sorry about last night. You were just trying to be a good friend…I’ve just been under a lot of stress.”
“Hold on!” The sun trapped the blonde in his hair and I almost didn’t notice his haughty grin. “This sounds like an apology that should be given in person.”
“I’m looking at your ugly mug right now!”
“Yes but you’re not within slapping range! What if you say something offensive and I need to put you in your place?”
The way he made me laugh made my problems dissolve. “Sorry…shower then school for me. The smack down will have to wait.”
“No…moments gone,” He waved good bye and slammed the window with a little too much drama. I retreated back to the air-conditioning and stated my daily pre-school routine.
Everything still felt so normal; as if yesterday had never happened. I sat listening to Dr. Boyce ramble on about trophic cascades. Everything in a given eco-system had its place. If any organism was removed the entire community shifted. I couldn’t help but wonder how my death would affect the eco-system I lived in. By the time I got home my head was throbbing, I could feel my insides burning with fever. I popped the glorified baby aspirin the Dr. McCammon had prescribed to me. Sleep came soon enough but vibrations from my phone pulled me awake again.
“Mhello,” fatigue was still clear in my voice.
“Case…were you sleeping?” Pete took an offended tone over the phone.
I sat up to try and wake myself up, “Yeah, long day.”
“Time to wake up and get ready for our big date!’
I took the phone away from my ear to check the time, “Its only five thirty, I thought you weren’t coming till eight?”
“Well yeah but…I’m just excited I guess.”
“Pete could you come over now? I wanna talk before we go.”
“Sure,” he said without hesitation. My stomach dropped a little. How do you tell someone you don’t want to waste what little time you have left on a floundering relationship? I rolled the idea of telling him I had cancer all day but I didn’t want to tell Peter before I told Julian. I walked to the bathroom to try and freshen up. My jeans barley clung to my diminishing frame and my face needed a new coat of cover-up. I laid the foundation on thick to cover my pale complexion and put on a baggy pair of sweats to conceal my bony figure. I brushed heavy eye shadow on to take away from the dark circles but all my effort didn’t help much.
“What in the hell are you wearing?” Julian was right behind me, watching me apply make-up.
I turned to face him, “Who keeps letting you in here?”
“You look like a hooker who took her clothes from a bag lady! A sick hooker!”
“Always the charmer,” I pushed my way past him to sit on the bed. My head was still reeling from the medication.
“I mean it Case. You don’t look so great,” He presses him palm against my hot cheek and I closed my eyes. His warm hand felt cool in comparison. “Casey?” he bent down until we were face to face,”whats wrong?”         
“Just tired,” I managed to choke out.
“Casey! Pete’s here!” I heard my mother’s voice from down stairs. Panic pulsed though me and shocked me awake.
“Julian you have to go,” I pushed him hard away from the door. “I’ll be down in a minute!” I yelled back. “You have to go NOW!” I whispered.
“Wha…Where?” He stared at me.
“Casey?” Pete’s voice was coming from my hallway.
“Quick! Bathroom!” I slammed the door in his face before he could protest.
“Hey,” Pete reached the door, “long time no see stranger.”
I tried to laugh but I came out more of a cough, “yeah…sorry.”
“I’m glad you wanted to talk,” he sat me down on the bed. “I need to talk to you to, but you go ahead.”
“No, go on”
Well we’ve been together so long…”
“Yeah,” I agreed
“I think, maybe, we should take the next step. I mean I love you so much…”
“Pete,” I tried to cut him off.
“”And I know you wanted to wait till you graduated to get marr-“
“PETE!” I knew I got through that time, “I don’t think we’re on the same page.”
He pulled a small box form his pocket, “If you just listen to me for a minute-“
I stood up to push him away, “I can’t marry you Peter, I think we should breakup.”
He stood up and stepped a little closer to me, “Is this about Julian?” he accused.
“What?!” how many times had we had this fight? I lost count three years ago. Rage pulsed through my heart, it took everything I had not to slap him, “It’s never been about Julian! I just don’t love you at least not in the same way you love me.”
For a moment I thought he might put his fist through the wall, beads of sweat formed on his brow. “You’re just figuring all this out now? It took you four years?!”
The anger forced my guard down; words were flowing freely, “Look! Things are just changing, my life is changing. My life is falling apart and I don’t need you dragging me down anymore! I can’t be your perfect girlfriend anymore! I need my own life!” Guilt washed over me when I finished. I’d never been so blunt in my life. Perpetually walking on egg shells to protect the feelings of others and cancer erased it all.
“Fine,” he stormed out but I didn’t have the energy to stop him. Once he cooled off I would try and apologize. I lay back on my bed and tried to clear my thoughts.
“Well that went great…”
SHIT! I mentally smacked myself. Julian had heard to whole thing; at least the parts we we’re screaming.
“Bet you loved that…” I spoke without moving.
“Casey,” he lay next to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I wasn’t expecting the tears that came next. It hurt to let go of something I had been holding on to for so long; something that I thought would be a permanent part of my now fading future. The truth was I would miss Peter but I needed to let go.  I’m not sure how long we lay there together but sleep crept in somewhere. When I woke up night had come and Julian had left. I rolled back over to try and push myself back into a comfortable sleep but my brain wouldn’t cooperate. It was finally official; my life was changing.

















Living It
I laid there in bed for a moment, filtering though yesterday’s events. I idea of being single washed over me and I was liberated. The thought made my fingers tingle; I wanted more. No more Thursday movie nights, no more nightly phone calls and no more forced happiness. It was sweet taste of freedom I couldn’t ignore. One less thing on my already crunched schedule I didn’t have to worry about anymore. I was longing for more sovereignty already. I pushed myself out of bed. School was something I hadn’t liberated myself from yet. I tried to focus on the evolutionary biology lecture I was being given. Placoderms experienced great diversity but little success, dying out quickly after their rise. How diverse had my life been until this point? If I died now would it be considered a fulfilling life? I felt ashamed when I realized the answer. There were so many things I had considered doing but stashed away in a in the maybe bin of my brain. Maybe someday I’ll ride a roller coaster? Maybe I’ll get around to hiking one of Hawaii’s volcanoes? Maybe I would die before I ever got the chance? The words stung a little as they scrolled through my mind.   
“Casey?” The class was focused in on me, “Are you paying attention?”
The one thing I hated about a small class. The professor watched us all like a hawk.
“Every word,” I spoke confidently. I was the only student who aced the first two exams. He had no room to scold me.
“Your time in this class is limited Casey. You should use it wisely.” He stood there, staring me down along with the rest of the class. I glanced down at my notes. Useless names piled one on top of each other. This class was a waste of my limited time.
“Your right,” I agreed. “What was I thinking?!”
I stood up and handed my notes to the girl next to me. I walked out, not bothering to look back. I regretted that after I left. My one true moment of defiance and I didn’t even witness the aftermath. My fingers were tingling again. My face was flushed hot with fresh blood. I needed more; my heart ached for it. I started making my way towards the registrars’ office.
“Mam!” urgency was plaguing my voice over the tall desk. She spoke without looking up from her Tetris game. “One moment.”
“No!” I knocked her neat cup of pins over; each one dressed as a different flower. “Now!” I ordered. She was wasting more of my precious time. That got her attention, “There is no need to be rude miss!”
“I need to drop my summer classes,” I didn’t bother to apologize, “Now!”
Her face took a condescending tone, “Sorry it’s past the drop date. If you drop them now there all F’s, and you’re out all your tuition and fees.” She sat there, smug and content on her pedestal. I stood poised with my battery ram of information; ready for battle.
“And what if I had a good reason?”
“Well it better be a good one!” she said as she tried to put her flower cup back together.
“Does cancer count?” It was out there now, hanging like a black cloud on her day. “I need to drop out because I have to be treated for cancer.”He slid an emergency drop form across the desk. “You have to go see Mr. Kellen.” She pointed at the hallway to my left. I thanked her a little more smugly then I meant to and went to fill out my form. I stopped at a door labeled ‘Big Kellen’ and knocked lightly. I plastered my happy face on in an effort to tuck away the accruing rage.
“Come in!” I pushed on the door. School spirit seemed to push every color from my eyes but green. I wondered if Mr. Kellen spent his spare time as the school mascot. “Come in! Sit!” he urged.
“What can I do for you young lady?”
I stood there for a moment, unsure if I should unleash my personal tragedy on an innocent victim. After all he wasn’t ignoring me.
“I….need to drop my classes,” I held my breath in anticipation of the unavoidable question.
“You know its past the drop date?”
“Yes..I’m aware. I have…” I hesitated.
“Yes,” He urged.
“Medical reasons,” was all I could say.
He stared at me for a long moment. I could see the internal battle play across his expression. I held my binder tighter.
“Are you pregnant?”
My heart jumped with fury. How could he assume I was pregnant?! “Are you shitting me!?” I stood up so fast I knocked the chair to the floor. “If I had a penis would you be asking me the same question?!” I didn’t give him any time to recover before the wrath which I had been trying to conceal was unleashed. “Not that it’s ANY of your business but I’ve never even had sex! I have good grades, I don’t do drugs and I don’t lie!” “And still somehow I managed to get cancer!” the confession, in a small way, calmed me.
He sat there, a shocked expression etched on his face. I had attacked the lamb of a man like a hungry lion. Trepidation kept him from going any further.
“Nothing to say ‘Big Kellen’?” I picked the chair off the floor and quietly say down. 
“Sorry…” he spoke quietly. “I shouldn’t have-“
“No! You shouldn’t have!” I was scolding him like a three-year-old.
He reached him had across the desk, “Did you fill out the form?”
  I was class free in less than ten minutes and the freedom was burning through my body. It seemed to awaken my blood; the tingling was no longer confined to my finger tips. It throbbed though every twist and turn. I closed my eyes against the euphoria and enjoyed my new found bliss. I had found my personal brand of heroine; like a junkie I longed for more.
I raced home, pushing my gas pedal down further, trying to get one more little rush. I walked through the door to a quiet house. I tossed my binder in the trash can and pulled a yellow post-it off the fridge.
‘Don’t forget you have chemo at 3’ it was in my father’s handwriting. I checked my watch; 2:15, plenty of time. I changed into sweats and a long sleeve shirt. Chemo tricked my body into thinking it was cold until I got home; that’s when the fire began. I reached my doctors office with thirty minutes of spare time. I needed the thirty minute buffer to make small talk with every nurse and tech in the office. It seemed so trivial to be chatty about pointless things like the weather or school football team. I was here fighting for my life; shooting the breeze about local news wasn’t going to improve my quality of life. I sat in one of the big, brown leather recliners and welcomed the poison pushing its way through my system. The tingling that came then was much different from the feeling liberation had given me.
I finished soon enough and retreated back to my car before any more nurses could pin me down and ask about my grades. The stagnant air in my car filled my lungs and warmed my core. My muscles relaxed against the seat; I could feel the venom tearing a path through my organs. I pressed my forehead to the steering wheel and closed my eyes. Sleep crept in soon enough.
“Mam! Mam!” I could hear the banging but it was so far away.
“Mam! Wake UP!” it was closer now. I opened my eyes to a panicked nurse pounding on my window. I peeled my skin from the steering wheel and cranked the car, I cracked the window, “I’m up now.”
“Are you ok?!” she still looked frightened.
“Fine,” I threw my car in reverse and punched it before I had to deal with someone else pouring pity all over me. I walked back into my empty house, a small pleasure.
I climbed the stairs and my bones screamed in protest. The napalm spread though my body caught fire and raged uncontrollably. In my room I quickly peeled my sweaty clothes off and lay down in my tub. I turned the cold knob on full pressure and let the water cool my over worked body. I breathed in the cool air seeping off the water to try and douse the embers glowing in my lungs. The darkness closed in around me and even with the turmoil breeding in my body sleep came all too easy. Hard shivering broke my quiet peace. I wrapped the towel tightly around my body and hugged it closely. I ran my fingers over my blue-tinted lips and goose-bump laced skin. On the outside I looked like a victim of hyperthermia but my insides were still roasting. I pulled on my sweats though hard tremors and wrapped myself in a comforter. I tried to sleep again but my body, caught in conflict, wouldn’t agree. 
“Casey?!” my dad’s voice was faint in my clammy head. “Casey, are you ok?”
I rolled out of my blanket to face him. “Yeah, it’s just the chemo.”
“You don’t look so good sweetheart,” he pressed his palm to my cheek. I was never really sure what the hand to face test accomplished.
“I just need some rest.”
“The school called me at work,” he didn’t take his angry expression which I took as a good sign. “Honey if you were having trouble handling all this you should have told me. You don’t have to take on the whole world by yourself.” 
“It’s just…,” I knew why I quit but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to explain it to my dad.
“Yeah…”
“It’s just….if I die,” the tears welled behind my eyes. “It just seems like a waste to spend my time in class.” I thought about my death so many times in the past few weeks but saying it aloud brought on the ugliness I had been trying so hard to hold back. A tragic abyss was engulfing what was left of my life and sent me spiraling into depression. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance; the five stages of grief. I blew through the first two; hopefully the third would pass soon too. I’m not really sure what I would bargain with, I spent my whole life playing it safe. What could I promise in exchange for the privilege of living my life?
“Case…we don’t know if you’re going to die.”
“But I don’t know if I’m going to live either? Better safe than sorry!”
“If quitting school is what you want than that’s fine. It’s your life to do with it whatever you want.”
“It is what I want.” I tried to sound resolute but I still came off like a scared seven-year old.
“Try and get some rest.”
“I think a walk might help actually.” I smiled at him as he walked out. I rolled out of bed and stretched; trying to relieve some of the pain in my bones. The cold bath had helped in a small way. I walked out on my balcony and grabbed a hand full of dry pinto beans. I tossed them all at once at Julian’s window. I waited impatiently while he opened his window.
“What’s the emergency?! You used a hand full of beans!”
“I just wanna go for a walk, come on!” I turned and walked inside before he could protest. I pulled off my sweats and replaced them with khaki shorts and tank top.  I laced up my hiking boots and headed for the door. Julian was at the foot of the steps when I got there.
“You’re wearing hiking boots?” he started at me, confused. “I thought we we’re just going for a walk.”
“Ok…We’re going for a hike,” I gazed at him.
“Right…well I guess I better go change.” He looked down at his flip-flops.
I packed four bottles of water and some chewy bars for the trip; finishing off the lunch box with a cool pack and a cup of ice. I hung the lunch box across my body and pulled my hair in a tight pony tail.
“Ready?” Julian was standing in my kitchen.
“Yep! Just getting some provisions,” I smiled at him and for a moment it felt like we were thirteen again. We used to hike along the jungle ridge in Anahola at least three times a week before high school started and my real life began. We tried to keep it up even after my life was bogged down but when my relationship with Pete got serious our walks seemed to make Peter uneasy. Out of respect Julian stopped asking to go.
“Why are you staring at me like that?” he interrupted my memory.
“Like what?!” I laughed.
“Like I’m a piece of meat,” he smiled back.
I laughed and gave him a playful shove, “Let’s go before your head gets to big you can’t carry it!”
I grabbed my keys of the hallway table and headed for the door. “I thought we we’re hiking!?”
“We are!” I kept insisting.
“Then why are you getting your car keys?”
I let out a heavy sight; all this explaining was exhausting, “Because we’re not hiking here! Duh!”
“Then where are we going?” he cocked his head to the side, waiting for me.
“It’s a surprise! Now stop with the questions and get to walking!” He stood there for a moment longer before he gave up the fight. “Fine! This is your dog and pony show today.”
The ride to the Na Pali Coast was peaceful and familiar. Every few minutes we would catch each other glancing at one another; fourth grade memories filled my head. The way he smiled at me, like everything was going to be ok, trapped my breath in my chest.
“I know I never said it, but I’m sorry about Pete,” he touched my arm as he spoke. I held back to urge to snort with laughter. Julian had never cared for Peter much but he was always supportive of our relationship when I was sure it was what I wanted. When my relationship with Peter deteriorated so did the peace between them.
“You don’t have to be. People break up all the time,” I didn’t look at him when I spoke. The fight replayed in my head and I could almost feel the tears. I hated being so crude to people I really cared about.
“Why are you so pessimistic all of the sudden?” I had no idea why he wanted to continue taking about this when he knew how much it bothered me.
“Oh come on Julian! No ever really works out now do they? Your parents hate each other so much that your mom moved to an island to get away from your dad! And the only thing keeping my dad from strangling my mother is me! Don’t you get it? Pete and I were never going to work out…..because no one does,” I finished quietly. I didn’t look at him but I knew the face he was making. When he spoke his voice was dripping with disappointment and pity.
“Case….,” He collected his thoughts. “You really don’t think anyone can make it?”
I fought back a stray tear, “Sometimes life is just too hard.”
“One day love is going to knock you on your ass and I’m not gonna be there to help you pull your foot out of your mouth!”   
I twisted the car into a tiny parking spot on the street and squealed to a stop.  “Were here!” I tried to change the subject. I pulled the lunch box out of the trunk and wrapped it around my body. He was out of the car but still staring at me, blank faced.
“Are you coming?” I gave him a small shove towards the Park entrance.
He followed me but refused to change the topic, “Casey! Are you seriously trying to change the subject?”
I stopped to face him, “Yes. Let’s please just enjoy what’s left of the day.” The somber tone my thoughts and conversations had taken on over the past month was starting to wear on my patience. He stared for a second longer before he started to walk again.
“So where are we at again?”
“Na Pali Volcano Park,” I spoke timidly. Julian was terrified of volcanoes. He used to call them island herpes; gapping, magma filled wounds that had infected Hawaii.
“Really?! Casey!” he whined like a child.
“It’ll be fun! I promise!”
“If we don’t die,” he spoke under his breath.
The breeze blew in off the northern ridge and filled my lungs with salt soaked air. The cool air calmed my lungs and I finally felt at peace. Our hike was quiet mostly. Or conversation was light when we did speak; mostly about each other’s day. My act of defiance impressed him. He didn’t ask why I did it just why I didn’t do it sooner. Julian constantly badgered me about the amount of self induced pressure I had in my life. We pushed our way up the fragile slope of igneous rock. The air near the peak was hot and reeked heavily with sulfur. I reached the crest moments before Julian and gazed out over the crater. Small streams of magma trickled down the slope less than a hundred yards from us; slowly pushing its way towards the raging waves that crashed along the shore. An inevitable battle awaited them both at the water’s edge. It was a violent collision between two of Mother Nature’s most powerful forces; building new land with every clash. The tingling was back in my fingers again; a stupid, happy smile plastered across my face.
“This is what we booked it up that stupid hill for?” I hadn’t noticed Julian standing beside me. I didn’t answer him, I just kept smiling.
The sun was setting heavy on the coast, warning us of the impending darkness. The hike back down was more rushed but just as peaceful. When we reached the car I excused myself to the restroom where I threw up. Julian drove back; glancing at me every few moments. It wasn’t the same staring as before, his face was worried.
“What?” I finally asked him.
“Sorry, “he looked away. “It’s just…..you don’t look so good.”
I snorted, “Thanks.”
“No!,” he tried to recover, “I mean you look sick. You’re so pale.”
The poison from my afternoon doctor’s appointment was sitting heavy on my stomach but I did my best to cover it up. It obviously wasn’t working. I tried to play it off as if it was just exhaustion but my personal truth detector didn’t appear convinced. I made it home without incident and retreated as quickly as I could into my house. My bed was harsh and unwelcoming so I slid on the floor with my pillow. My mind replayed my last few hours and I wondered how much longer I could keep my cancer from Julian. How might our relationship change if I told him? Our time together today brought back emotions I had been careful to bury during my relationship with Peter. My conversation about relationships with Julian twisted my insides until I was nauseous again. I didn’t really believe people couldn’t make it; my grandparents were happy for over fifty years. But my grandfather died, just like I would die.