Just okay

    I know I make mistakes. I know I make them on a regular basis. I know, I know, I know! I don't need you, you of all people, to remind me of it. I don't need you pointing your finger in my face telling me who I should be, or what I should and shouldn't do. You commit the exact same crimes. You think you're helping me, and you think you know everything about me, but holy crap are you ever wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong! I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ve most likely ruined my witness, and I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can be a disappointment. You just don't understand, and you probably never will. If I even thought about asking for your help you would douse me with holy water and tell me I’m going straight to hell. I’m sick of feeling like this. I’m sick of feeling like I have no hope, and no way out. I’m tired of people telling me I need better friends. I’m tired of people telling me who I should really be friends with. My friends care. My friends are the ones I trust and love the most. I refuse to let them go. Refuse, refuse, refuse! I’ve tried to let others in. I’ve tried to be who they and you want me to be, but it doesn't work. I don't think it ever will. They don't want me. They don't accept me. They don't even try to care, and they never will. You just don't see it. I’m not going to be fake, just like them, just to win your approval. 
    I can never say he's not out there. I know he is. You know...God. I can't look at a setting sun or the beauty in a simple white puff of air; I can't understand the magnitude of space or the depths of the ocean, without believing. All of this didn't just happen. When I think about how one greater being, snapped his fingers to make mankind, knowing we would fail, I get sick to my stomach. Literally, I really do. Half of me thanks him for life, but half of me doesn't really get it. Why waste the time, why make us when he knew the outcome. Does this make me a horrible, unthankful human being, or does it just make me....human. He’s amazing, I know he is, but I just don't get it.
    I truly believed when I was losing my friends. I truly believed as my uncle was lying on his death bed, and my cousins begged for him to come home. I truly believed when he was leaving, and I prayed. I prayed, I prayed, oh man did I pray! Now, my thoughts are flooded with doubt. Honestly though, they were already flooding in when I believed, when I prayed. Was that the problem? Was that why nothing seemed to work, because there was so much doubt in my system? What’s so wrong with that though? Isn’t it normal? Why do they say it's so horrible to have doubt? Why do some have faith so easily, and some have an on going battle in their hearts their entire lives? Are the ones who have faith just faking it? Are they lying? Do they lay awake at night and wonder if they died in their sleep if they would be in heaven or hell, or just gone?  I do. Does that mean I’m not saved? Does that mean I’m doomed to hell? I’ve been told doubt is just another way for Satan to trick you. I honestly believed that but was that the real trick? Making me believe I was okay. That I was just having trouble just like others, when in reality I’m completely lost and out of hope.
    I’m just still looking. I’m just trying to figure out where my heart really stands. I don't want to say I believe, just because my parents do.  Just because it’s what I’ve learned to do. That’s not real faith, that's not real hope. That’s stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I want to believe because I... well, because I do. Because I know that I’ll be okay, that Jesus died for me. That Jesus gave his life for mine, and that everything’s going to be okay. That even through the darkest parts of my life, at the end, I’ll be standing at the top. I’ll be the winner. I’ll be the one with no doubt and no shame. I’ll be the one that's okay. I believe. I do, I do, I do. Don’t I?  I just want to finally be okay.