Twisted Biscuit: Lord Of The Shortbread

Twisted Biscuit was born many years ago, in a top-secret location at exactly twelve midnight. She resents any suggestion that this location was in fact known by the innumerable doctors and nurses that worked there, and considers any suggestion that the time was actually mid-afternoon to be nothing short of sacrilegious.

She enjoys cherry ripes yet cannot stand cherries. She craves almond slices but despises almonds. She loves to drink fizzy drinks but will only inhale once the bubbles have gone because they annoy her somewhat.

Her purple flyaway hair is always well kept; her mullet always in a nice ‘bob’ and her fringe is always brushed neatly to the back of her head. Twisted Biscuit does not care for people who tell her about her boring, run-of-the-mill eyes, which are uniquely different to anyone else’s. As the Lord Of The Shortbread, she is famous throughout the whole wide building and lets all three people there know it.

Twisted Biscuit has many diverse interests, all of which in the same category. She listens to My Chemical Romance to unwind and when she needs to hype up, she plays the bridal waltz. She still has nightmares about the It’s a Small World ride at Disney World, but found Twilight Zone Tower of Terror to be quite delightful.

Twisted Biscuit cannot skip, walk or glide. She’s a better cook than you might expect and is unusually good at assembling lego pieces into a line. She genuinely suspects her dog is more intelligent than half of her fellow employees.

She insists that the existence of purple-chocolate berries was true and mourns the discontinuation every day. She likes your hair. Twisted has a brother named Twilight who is always up in the early hours of the morning. He is the third Twilight in the family but the first to attempt a world record. He is currently trying to achieve the record for most consecutive days stayed alive. He improves on this every day.

Twisted Biscuit does not keep to a timeline. She habitually breaks her schedule and sometimes, on Thursdays, she stages conversations about axe-murders in the supermarket, just to see who’s listening in.

If you have a question for Twisted Biscuit that you actually want answered, she recommends leaving a comment on her blog or following her around pestering her constantly. She would, in all honesty, prefer that you did not pester her, but she cannot deny that it would be extremely effective.

The lifetime dream of Twisted Biscuit has always been to become an owl. She finds the idea of being able to see in the dark inspiring, but she is yet to perfect her hoot.

A popular joke in the playgrounds lately is this:

“Why did the plane crash?”
“I don’t know, why?”
“Because the pilot was a Biscuit!”

You may know this joke. You may not.
You may know a variation of this joke. You may not.
Although it causes many a person to stop and think, ‘What on earth?’, Twisted and Twilight know what it means. That was the day they lost old uncle Lambshanks-Needlegrinder and they DO NOT find this funny. They find it utterly hilarious. Tis an uplifting feeling to know that your relative was literally the ‘Butt’ of a joke.

Even though the members of the Biscuit family are indubitably different, there is one quality that all family members possess. Both Twisted and Twilight have operatic voices. Twisted is especially good at saying ‘Please Hold’ and plans to become a telephone operator if her owl career falls through. She practices arguing on the phone every day, by calling random numbers and insisting that they stop calling her own number.
A useless pastime? I think not.

Twisted Biscuit loves deep and meaningful poetry, which is clearly why Dr Seuss is her favourite author. She has experimented with green eggs and ham and has counted both red fish AND blue fish. She has collected a lot of experience in the field of Seuss but is yet to find a ‘Who’. If anyone reading this biography finds one, please contact Twisted through the phone number provided and she will gladly direct you to a facility where they house the ‘special’ people like you. That means you David and Matilda, the public now knows of your adventures in Whoville. Pick up that phone!

The idol of Twisted Biscuit is undoubtedly Julius Caesar. She put a modern spin on his famous line and turned the once iconic- Veni, Vidi, Vici; into the new and improved- Veni, Vidi, Velcro; meaning
I came, I saw, I got stuck. Truer words have never been spoken.

To conclude the biography of Twisted Biscuit: Lord of the Shortbread, we would just like to answer that undying question. Twisted Biscuit let the dogs out, and regrets doing so every day, as angry rottweilers aren’t exactly a picnic to get back in.