Uncle Wally

My Uncle Wally is an acquired taste.

Uncle Wally is the type of guy that will not hesitate to call his pregnant niece “Chubby” or “Heifer” or “Tons of Fun”, ask family members for money, pass gas in public (his warning to those nearby is usually something like, “My percolator is going off again”), usually starts a story with “This is the God’s honest truth” before he launches into a ridiculous fabrication, and will always find something to complain about. Usually it’s the temperature, his neighbors, his food, the government, his doctor, or he’ll go into extraordinarily uncomfortable detail about his health.

Uncle Wally has graced us with his presence today. He said he was in the neighborhood and just thought he would drop by and pop in. Knowing Uncle Wally is not a “drop by” or “pop in” kind of fellow, I asked him what was up. After complaining for awhile about how his doctor and the government had conspired against him by prescribing him cholesterol pills that make his gallbladder itch, he asked if I knew my grandmother’s birthday was coming up. I of course did, and so I asked him what gift he was getting his mother.

“Funny you should ask,” Wally said. “This is the God’s honest truth…I bought your Nana a really nice pearl bracelet and matching earrings the other day. Now a jewelry aficionado such as myself knows that the best way to tell the quality is to wear it for a while outdoors to really get the sun to glisten off them. So I was out in my tomato garden wearing the bracelet and earrings, really studying them to see if it was worthy of your grandmother’s discerning taste…”

“So let me get this straight,” I interrupted, “You were outside walking around your garden wearing your mother’s pearls?”

“Yeah,” Wally said, incredulous as to why I would think that is weird. “I was out there just admiring the jewelry in the sunlight, when all of a sudden, and this is the God’s honest truth, a bald eagle swooped down and snatched the bracelet right off my wrist and then the earrings out of my ears and flew away!”

Now it was time for me to cross-examine the witness. “So your story is that you were wearing a woman’s bracelet and earrings out in your backyard when the endangered, extremely rare symbol of our country comes out of nowhere, bypasses all the other vegetables in your garden, somehow removes the clasped piece of jewelry off your wrist and BOTH ears, and flies off, presumably to pawn it for a favorable sum of fish, mice, or talon sharpeners.”

“Poke fun if you must, but it is the God’s honest truth, a bald eagle now has your Nana’s beautiful jewelry. I’m not sure what his intentions are with it, all I know is I am now out a birthday gift. So I was wondering, since I don’t get my next social security check until next month, could you maybe loan me a little so I can get another gift?”

I knew this was coming when he walked in the door, but at least this was one of Uncle Wally’s more entertaining fabrications. So I gave him the money and told him the lesson learned here was to wear all your women’s jewelry indoors only in case there are any pterodactyls or purple elephants nearby. Wally replied, “Funny you should mention purple elephants. When I was in Africa a few years ago, and this is the God’s honest truth…”

Like I said, Uncle Wally is an acquired taste.