Reflection

As I sit on my bed, alone, I think about those teenage days that seem like lifetimes ago. Windows down, driving 100 miles an hour down those winding country roads, and listening to our music way too loud; we were ready to take on the world. From that vantage point nothing was impossible, the world was ours to conquer and we knew we would never settle for less than everything. The brilliance of those days is now barely a flicker in the darkness that crowds my soul’s aching desire to survive. 

I sit and wonder how I let myself get to this point. I wonder why I feel so strongly for someone that doesn’t express a passionate love for me like the one that burns within my heart for him. I’ll never understand why the passion was so strong for him, why of all the other guys I’ve dated; he’s the one who has left the scars on my heart. Will I continue to hold on until my heart is permanently incapable of loving again?

I wonder how I let dreams slip from my hand like grains of sand through a sieve. I don’t remember when the tunnel vision took over, when he took over my every thought. All I do know is that I cannot break free from this spell that has poisoned my every breath.  There has been no fresh air for years and I am slowly beginning to suffocate.  At times it seems the best way to break free from the spell is to stop breathing. At least the death would be quick and painless, not like this current death I’ve been experiencing. Because with every silent conversation, every fruitless argument, every lack of interest he shows, he’s ripping my heart to shreds, one piece at a time. It’s a slow painful death and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to handle it anymore.

What happened to the independent spirit I once possessed? The kind of spirit that told people exactly what she thought, that never gave up, that never compromised what she believed in, that wanted to drag race, that wanted to travel to Africa, that had dreams too big for her small town. Where’s the girl who was willing to sacrifice her own personal gain for the sake of others, who never needed to feel the arms of a lover in order to feel complete? What happened to her? If she were still here…she wouldn’t even recognize me. She wouldn’t even think very much of me.