Trusting an Untrustworthy Man

    Let me start off by saying I love my husband very much. I have loved him from the time that we first kissed. We have been married for two years and about three months, and I have never doubted that he was the one God made for me. That being said, marriage is the most dificult process. And yes, it is a process. You are continually learning, growing, and maturing. Hopefully you are anyway, or else you are in for trouble. My husband and I have a lot of learning, growing, and maturing to do. It's a lot easier to say he's the one with the learning, growing, and yada yada to do, but I'm am hear to tell ya, that's just not the case. A marriage is a covenant made by two people, not one. I've learned that if I want all the lovey dovey stuff I was promised on November 18, 2006, then I too, have got some work to do.
    My God works in mysterious ways. My husband and I could not have come from more different backgrounds. I don't want to say one of us was raised better than the other. It is obvious, however, that we were raised differently. Not only that, but the experiences that both of us have had, have shaped us into very different people. Despite all of that, God has put us together. He wants to use me to teach Casey and Casey to teach me. What does mean for me? It means God said,
    "Angela, I know that because of your father and other men that have been in and out of your life, you've got some
major trust issues. So, this is what I'm gonna do. Now remember, this is because I love you and want you to be the best person you can be. The man I choose for you to marry and spend the rest of your life with is completely untrustworthy. I mean every other sentence out of his mouth is a lie. Sometimes, he lies for no reason at all, and sometimes it's to hide things from you. Sometimes... oh I don't want to spoil it, you'll see. In James Paul writes, 'Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. (James 1:2-3, NLV).' So here it comes, my child, your opportunity to grow and receive great joy. You'll be fine. I would never give you anything you can't handle. Trust me. Angela meet Casey."
      I am married to the most untrustworthy man I know. I can say this because I don't truly know my father, but I'm willing to bet that on the untrustworthiness scale, these two are pretty close. And that in itself terrifies me. How in the world can I be married to a man so similar to my father, the man has caused me so much pain? I'm a smart girl. I can read people. I'm very intuitive. I don't make rash decisions. How? God. That's how. You can write your list of everything you want in a man.... it doesn't matter. Because the God that made you know's exactly what you need in a man. And I need Casey. I mean what better way to learn how to truly trust, than to learn to trust someone that, in reality, can't be trusted. I mean if I get this down, and can truly trust Casey, then I have grown A LOT. This is so much easier said than done.
    After God reveals this to me, I decide I'm just going to start trusting Casey, no matter what. I'm gonna let him take care of all of the money, even though he's been know to steal it and hide it for habits and addictions that will probably discussed at detail at a later point. I'm gonna stop calling him to check on him, even though he's been know to quit a job and not tell me for weeks. I'm gonna trust him, just like that. WRONG. Let me tell you how that went. Sure I'd give Casey the money, stop calling him, and everything else, but that didn't mean I trusted him. That just meant I had to ask more questions as soon as he walked through the door.
    "So, how was work? What time did you leave? If you left then, why did it take you 45 minutes to get home? Did you stop somewhere? Did you buy something? Did you buy cigarettes or alcohol? Let me smell your breath. Do you have receipts for the gas you got? I want to see them. Well, where's the change? Are you stashing money somewhere? Is it hidden in the car? I'm gonna go raid the car. Who'd you call today? Why'd you call them? Why'd they call you? Let me see your phone..."
    The questions are answered. Maybe they're lies. Maybe they're truths. Either way, accusations follow.
    "I don't believe you. You didn't go to work today. I bet you went and bought beer and cigarettes and went to the beach. No, wait. I bet you bought vodka cause you think I can't smell it. And you had to buy some gum to cover up the smoke. No, I bet you bought a toothbrush and toothpaste to keep in the car, like you did last time. How much money are you hiding from me? You took it out of our saivings, didn't you. I bet you pawned some of my things off again. You erased number and texts off of your phone again..."
    Even writing this makes me cringe. What a horrible cycle! It's so exhausting and pointless. And that's how I feel. No telling how it makes Casey feel. I don't want my husband to have to endure that everyday even if he is lying to me. What if he is telling the truth? What person in their right mind would want to be honest, if that's the reaction they get. And what if he did slip up and make a mistake? There's no way he'd tell me. There's no way I'd tell me. This is what he must mean when he says,
    "I didn't tell you, because I know how you'd react."
    "What do you mean? You have no idea how I'd react. You've never given me the opportunity to actually react to the truth!" I'd reply.
      And then because he can never think of a specific example of a time that he has given me the opportunity, his argument is rendered invalid. Conversation over. I win. Period. Obviously, just waking up and deciding to fully trust Casey was a bad idea. Now I know why. It was my idea. Let's try maybe asking an all-knowing God what He thinks I should do.
    "Angela, I've already told you. Trust me."
    Yep, He already told me. He has told me thousands of times during my life. I bet He's ready for me to listen to Him. Here's something funny. My favorite Bible verse is Proverbs 3:5-6 which says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path." My sister says that it's just my favorite verse because it was my Mom's, but that's not the case. Yes, she taught it to me, but from the very first time I heard it as a little girl, it was written on my heart. I have never forgotten it. Besides, it makes complete sense for it to be both of our favorite verse. We are a lot alike. Trust issues and all. God was probably trying to teach her the same thing he is trying to teach me. Have you ever really read that verse? If I wouldv'e listened to what God is saying in that verse, then I would have know that my idea wouldn't work. I'm not supposed to trust what I know or think I know. I'm supposed to ask Him how to do it and then trust Him as He teaches me how to trust. It was right there in front of my face the whole time. Better yet, the answer was written on my heart the whole time.
    So this is where I am. I am consistently having to pray little please help me prayers throughout the day.
    "Lord, please help me not to ask Casey if he's smoked today. Please hold my tongue. Please help me not to ask him to get receipts. Please help me not to secretly smell his breath or raid the car or check his phone or count the money in his pockets. Please hold my tongue. Please help me not to call him at work just to see if he's really there. Please help me to be pleasent on the phone. Please help me to only ask how his day went when he walks through the door. Please hold my tongue. Please help me, Lord. Please help me to let you be his Holy Spirit instead of me. Please, please hold my tongue."
    This is what I do all day. It's not easy for me. I am a person who needs to have control. I think because most of my life has been out of control I cling to anything and everything thing that I think I may be able to control. Even if that means it makes me or the ones I love miserable. I've done this for so long and pretended it was ok. It's not because... I don't and will never have that kind of control. The only thing I can control is my actions. Right now, God wants my actions to be pretty much focused on me rather than Casey.
    "Let Casey be. I'm dealing with Him. Let's me and you do some work on you. It won't be easy but I'll be there to help you. Trust me."
    I have little victories throughout the day. I thank God when I have a pleasant phone conversation, can get through an entire night without asking or accusing, and other times when I'm able to hold my tongue. I do slip up. And that sucks. I ask forgiveness, and treat the next minute as a clean slate. Yeah, I'm not at the point where I'm taking it day by day. I'm taking it minute by minute, and when I'm tempted to stop trusting God and take the control back, I have to slow down to second by second. I breathe. I pray. I breathe and pray. I listen. I hear my Heavenly Father.
    "Trust me," He says.
    I breathe and pray some more. If I am obedient, the seconds pass. The anxiety ends. I feel at peace, and ready to go back to minute by minute. My prayer now is that these minutes turn into days. I get overwhelmed if I focus on turning those days into weeks and months and years of trusting, trusting, trusting. Breathe. Pray. Focus.
    That's what I'm doing now. I'm letting God teach me how to trust. God is teaching me to trust my untrustworthy husband. How do you trust an untrustworthy person? I've learned in order to trust my untrustworthy Casey, I must truly trust my trustworthy God.