Stray Thoughts on “Baggage”

People in pursuit of their perfect mate seem to prefer that this individual come along with a minimum of “baggage”.  That is something which should be defined carefully by everyone but the thoughts which follow are geared towards people over 30 in favor of promoting more consideration in how we deal with each other.  Think about it, how boring must someone be to have lived at least a decade as and "adult" with only a duffle bag worth of “baggage” to show for it?

When you pack to go away on a trip there are many things you manage to take into consideration; how long you’ll be away; whether traveling by plane, train or automobile; the weather you’ll find; what activities you will do and even what you might want to bring back with you.  In the end, you only take what you think you’ll need and leave the rest behind. You should give at least that much thought to the “trip” you are planning to find the person you hope to spend the rest of your life with.

It’s not about the volume of the baggage; it’s how it is sorted, reduced, packed and carried; these are what count.  Sorting shows an understanding of priorities. Reducing demonstrates learning capabilities, especially concerning how to put aside what is no longer relevant. Packing requires special skills in its own right in, for example, deciding what will be necessary wherever a particular journey is expected to take you. But carrying the load, that’s what it is all about.  Does the person make it look easy or do they become bent over by the weight? This is not simply an issue about style but has a lot to do with attitude.  Is there a display of quiet dignity; perhaps a demonstration of how to be walking tall proud; or finger pointing anger; possibly just how to succeed at whining? Whatever display is on the outside, it’s finding out about the real person on the inside that is the challenge.  Is there strength; adaptability; learning?

As to defining “Baggage”; that can be just about anything: people, physical, spiritual, emotional, financial and so forth. Your “list” would include what is important to you. But the key thing is that “baggage” always seems be considered negative. If there are positive traits, learning experiences, physical improvements, financial gains or whatever, they are assets.  The confusion comes in when what is considered baggage by one person is considered by another to be an asset! It does get complicated out there in the real world.

People baggage could include, but is not necessarily limited to, kids, problem spouses, former in-laws, friends, and coworkers - possibly even neighbors.  These attachments may be baggage when they can’t be kept out of the new relationship and have a tendency to be disruptive. They could be viewed as assets if they bring more joy then pain.

Physical baggage could be anything from car, living arrangements (including geographical), actual clothing, material acquisitions, etc., etc.

The spiritual may be beliefs that are life defining for one person or another and is an area that should be clarified as early as possible.

Emotional baggage could be the worse of them all and covers so much ground that it is difficult to summarize in a sentence or two. The central issue is whether a person has had their spirit crushed and remained intact or damaged to a greater or lesser extent?

“Financial” is a very large but fairly self-explanatory topic and will be left that way for now.

You need to do an audit of your own baggage; get it all sorted out and pack away what can be - for now.  And in making your disclosures to your new friend, have a sense of timing, information requires context and premature disclosures tend to lack that context. You must also note the impact of what you are saying on the other person and don’t get so caught up you see and hear only yourself. And be sure to balance the display of baggage with your assets.

Okay, it’s kind of obvious when the baggage you’re carrying is worn, torn and generally beat up that there are going to be problems.  Potential partners can take a look and decide if a fixer-upper may be worth it or not.

The real potential for harm is more subtle and can be summed up in one word - expectations.  We’ve all seen how abused puppies can become hand-shy adult dogs - or turn on a dime vicious. Can’t always tell which is going to be which. It can be hard to tell with people as well – and it doesn’t have to have started when they were children!

We forever hear that “people don’t change”; nonsense, when does that stop?  At age five? (It has been said by more than one expert and even a Catholic Saint: “give me child up to the age of five and I will make them into whatever I want.”)

If tragedy had not already been reserved for kings, it could be said to be reserved for all those people who never change. They live life on automatic pilot repeating a series a days and years with a minimum of thought. Their life, for all intents and purposes, ended with graduation from high school or college or some other major mile marker. The difficulty comes in when they expect a new person to fit in with the pre-defined life template.

And then there are the people who see every person they meet as a re-run of someone they already knew. Leading to preconceived expectations, self-fulfilling prophecies and no end of potential problems – even when the expectations seem to be positive! One very large problem is that, unfortunately, those new people are probably not aware of the roles they have been assigned - which will cause no end of confusion all around.  And that is some heavy baggage indeed.

Some people are changing throughout all of their years - not always necessarily for the better but still….

Those with a capacity for growth and learning can recognize that different people will bring a variety of personalities to these interactions and be prepared to enjoy each person and each experience as unique. Their baggage is lightly held.

(On a personal note; while my journey through the internet world of social introductions was fraught with challenges, it does seem to have been a success and therefore well worth the pain. More recently I have been assisting someone else through that process and thought I would update some thoughts on the subject.)