Then and Now

Three years ago, I was an active member on writing dot com. A top reviewer for three months, I contributed to the site frequently and enjoyed having my (in retrospect, pretty bad) work reviewed by overly-kind users. I'd also struck up friendships with several other young adults on the site, and I had a lot of fun commenting on blogs and sending e-mails back and forth with them. More often than not, our discussions would focus around theology, and, though I professed to Christian beliefs, I'd often attack God and the Christian religion, thus confusing many on the site.

The truth was, during my time on writing dot com I was going through an intense amount of pain, frustration and confusion. I was attracted to another guy. I'd only realized it the year before, and, being a Christian, I believed that my feelings were wrong and sinful. So I prayed, over and over again, night after night, that God would turn me straight. Never happened. The feelings became worse. More intense. And I hated myself more. Which led to me hating God, for not listening to me, for giving me these feelings and refusing to take them away.

I eventually left this site, though I can't exactly remember why (I think a lot of it had to do with the friendship group falling apart and me getting bored), but I never stopped being gay. It haunted me in my first year of university, and the screaming to the Lord continued. But the attraction continued to grow, and, along with it, were questions on whether or not homosexuality was a sin or not. I began to wonder that if my feelings were not going to change, then perhaps my opinion on them should.

Exactly a year ago, after immense amounts of prayer, Bible reading and research on the issue, I made one of my New Years Resolutions to be that I would accept who I was and would come out of the closet. 52 weeks later, my journey has an incredibly far distance to go, but I am finally happy with who I am. I am still a Christian who is loved by God, and I know that nothing can ever change that.

I've gone from hating myself to loving myself, and I'm not going to let my orientation get me down any longer. And now I'm back.