Girls and Raptors

ACT 1

I could hear my sister and her friends behind her locked door. "I have an idea!" I heard her friend Nicole exclaim. "We can play spin the bottle!" I heard the girls giggling before another girl, I think her name is Samantha, piped up. "But where are the boys?" More giggling, then my sister: "There aren't any, silly..." I listened intently...

I heard the girls rummaging for a bottle, then some scurrying and the sound of the metal bottle swirling on the carpet. I remembered my parents weren't home so I didn't need to worry about anyone seeing me out in the hallway listening at the door. "Nicole goes first!"I heard the bottle spin, then some laughing. "You got Sammy!" Some awkward silence followed, with some occasional giggling. "Alright, Sammy's turn now!" She spun the bottle. I waited breathlessly. Laughter followed. "You got Jenny!" My ears piped up. Jenny was my sister!

I listened to the soft muffled giggling for a minute, leaned away from the door to catch my breath, then leaned in to listen to more. "That was hot Jenny, I didn't know you liked girls like that" "I didn't know," I heard her whisper, sounding embarassed. "Sorry..." "No prob, maybe we could do it again..." I heard more giggling. "Nah, my brother is still here. What if he walks in on us?" "It's alright," I heard another girl, Tara, say. "Just go tell him to go to the store and get us that soda he promised earlier." I remembered promising to drive down to the grocery store but had forgotten. I heard the footsteps heading towards the door but my mind didn't have time to comprehend what I was hearing. With a loud noise the door opened and I tumbled into the room. "Joey? What were you doing there?!" my sister exclaimed.

I stumbled into the room. "Uh, I was going to tell you that I'm going to the store..." My sister looked convinced, but Samantha, the girl she was tongue tied with a minute earlier, piped up. "No way, you were leaning on the door!" My sister turned. "Were you eavesdropping on us?" I glanced at her, then the faces of Sammy, Nicole, and Tara, who all had clever grins on their faces. "Uh, what's the right answer..." Sammy walked past me and shut and locked the door. "The right answer is yes," she said. "Now you're going to help us out..."

I looked around nervously, just wanting to get away and tell CE of my experience. I saw the girls--even my sister!--putting on their lipstick and grinning at me. I backed into the corner. My sister grabbed the bottle and spun it. Of course, as luck would have it, it landed on me. She looked at me embarassed as her friends laughed and egged her on. She closed her eyes and approached me, looking into my eyes...

My heat was racing as our eyes closed and I prepared for our lips to meet. I could feel her cool breath and the soft scent of her hair. I wanted nothing more than to be with her right now. The attack came from both sides. Sammy and Tara lunged into the air, their iconic extended middle toe claws slashing out at me. I rolled and they hit the wall, their heavy velociraptor bodies slamming against the plaster. My sister screeched and lunged at me, but I dodged and she hit Nicole. The two snapped at each other with their crocodilian jaws as I unlocked the door and bolted into the hallway. The raptors were only feet behind me.

ACT 2

I slammed the door shut behind me, but as an avid viewer of Jurassic Park I knew they'd open it soon enough. Bolting down the stairs to the kitchen, I found my dad's shotgun. Upstairs, I heard the door blow off its hinges. The doorbell rang and my friend Toby walked in uninvited. "Hey man, what's up OH MY GOOOD--" I turned away, terrified but thankful that he'd made a useful distraction. I aimed the shotgun as the raptors tore him apart.

As Toby's carcass was devoured, I let loose with a shotgun barrage. I hit the raptor formerly known as Tara multiple times and she collapsed, dead. Then I ran, leaping over the banister and out the garage, slamming the heavy door behind me and locking it. I looked at my car and realised I left the keys upstairs in the kitchen.

I reloaded my shotgun while catching my breath and wondering how to get back inside without being mauled. I opened the garage door and heard loud screeching on the other side of the door leading to the kitched. I raced outside and climbed up a tree outside my bedroom window and got in the house, then crept downstairs. The three remaining raptors were clawing at the garage door. I snuck into the kitched and grabbed my car keys, then heard a snort. The raptor formerly known as Nicole was in the kitchen staring at me.

I aimed the shotgun. The raptor lunged into the air with a loud screech. I fired the shotgun repeatedly while running out of the kitchen. The raptor died on the ground. I raced to the garage again...then remembered I locked the door. With a scream I lunged and jumped out the window, wincing in pain, but safe for the moment. I opened my car and hopped in. One of the raptors had followed me outside and was racing toward the car.

I gunned the engine and slammed the raptor, who I vaguely recognized as Samantha, and watched her corpse go flying. I sped down the road in time to see the only remaining raptor, my sister, prowling the front yard. She was loose! Taking a lesson from GTA4, I aimed out the window and fired several shots but missed. Just then, headlights streaked the darkness. My parents were coming home! They pulled into the driveway. I was too late. My dad stepped out and was immediately mauled. Blood was everywhere. My mom started screaming before my sister pounced and took her down too. "NOOOOOOO!" I screamed, desperate to get to CE and tell my story. Just when things couldn't seem to get worse, my hot neighbor Christine came walking outside to see what the commotion was. The raptor/my sister looked up with hunger in her reptilian eyes.

I sped up, just missing hitting the raptor and Christine. "Get in!" I yelled, and she quickly obliged. "This isn't gonna be like your standard teen action movie where we have a great and dangerous adventure and we end up falling in love and having sex is it?" she asked as she got in the car. "Shut up ***** or I'll leave you back in the kitchen with my sister and you can make pancakes," I yelled and gunned the engine. As we drove into the city I heard a snorting. My sister was hanging on the back of the car. I aimed the shotgun back and fired through the back windshield, hitting her and causing her to fall into the street. We stopped in the middle of the road for a moment of mourning. Boom. "What was that?" Christine asked. Boom. I looked over at the row of houses just as a T. Rex came barging through and ate my sister.

I hit the gas pedal in fear as the Rex ate the raptor's corpse. Christine started screaming like a ***** as the Rex roared and started chasing us. We arrived in the nearest city, Washington D.C. It was just like the ending of the Lost World except the Rex kept attacking homeless people and not upscale white guys. Then I looked at the dashboard. "Oh ****..." I mumbled. The car was running out of gas. We pulled into a gas station; the Rex was distracted attacking some policemen. Then it turned and saw us as I was pumping the gas.

I lept back into the car and sped off again with only a half tank of gas. "My dad knows a guy with a weapons store," Christine said, "and he could..." Her voice trailed off as the familiar footsteps returned, but the Rex wasn't moving. Suddenly a Spinosaurus appeared around the corner and bellowed at the Rex. We drove straight through the monster's legs right as the two beasts charged each other. We heard the crunching of bones as the Rex course corrected the horrid universal monstrosity that is Jurassic Park III--the Rex had tripped the Spino up and they were now wrestling on the ground making loud roars. "So where's the store?" I asked as we drove past the screaming mobs, police sirens in the distance. "Right over there" she said, and we drove up to the store. The windows were shattered...

We cautiously crept toward the darkened store. Shattered glass coated the inside of the store. "That means something came through the glass from outside..." I said slowly. We walked in through the broken windows and found a flashlight laying on the floor. We turned it on and Christine immediately screamed. The shopowner's mutilated body was draped over the counter. I jumped a bit, then recovered. "I see some automatic rifles over there," I said. Then we heard sniffing from downstairs. "Oh ****..." I mumbled. The rifles were right next to the basement door. I started toward them, aiming the flashlight at the door. Suddenly Christine screamed for the fiftieth time that night. The Rex was sniffing our car.

I told her to be quiet, then crept over to the rifles on the wall. Suddenly two raptors came trotting out of the basement, glancing around. I grabbed a rifle and fired. It wasn't loaded. The Rex saw the raptors and roared, and the raptors ran straight past us out the windows to attack the bigger dinosaur. I used the distraction to grab more ammo and guns, then we loaded back into the car while the animals brawled around us. I pulled out my phone. "Yo George," I said to my friend, "some serious **** is going down here, get your ass to the city." Then we drove to the designated meeting place as military trucks drove by. It was like living in Cloverfield. As we arrived at the meeting place, George pulled up in his pickup truck. "Come on! Get in my car!" I yelled to him. He started to get out when the Spino returned, upending his truck. George climbed out, battered and bloody, and we pulled him into the backseat. I hit reverse and careened away.

ACT 3

We drove down what seemed like a safer area of the city and stopped to rest for a minute. We checked out George's wounds, nothing serious. Then we heard loud footsteps and saw the Rex, its mouth covered in blood. Something fell out of its mouth and it walked away. We drove over to the object. "It's a..." I gasped. "It's a Secret Service agent. We're near the White House." We all looked up as we saw a presidential helicopter flying toward the White House, oblivious to the carnage ocurring across town. "Lady and gentleman," I said, putting on my shades. "It's time to rescue the president."

"Alright, we have to make a plan," I explained. "We can't just stride into the White House." We heard a distant roar and knew time was limited. Suddenly we saw a jeep go hurtling through the air and straight through the fence surrounding the White House grounds. Time was very limited. "Wait, before we go," Christine said, "can I get this Twilight book out of my pocket? It's been cutting into my thigh." My face screwed up. "Twilight, you say?" Five minutes later George and I were driving along the White House grounds. Christine's screams of pain as the Rex mauled her were soon forgotten.

The car rumbled along the front lawn as lightning crashed in the sky. I parked the car outside the front door of the White House and climbed out, gun in hand. "Hands up!" yelled a Secret Service agent. "Uh, sir, the president is in danger, shouldn't you be helping him?" George asked. Suddenly we heard a hooting noise. A Dilophosaurus appeared nearby, looking at us. Me and George ran for it. "Hey, where do you think--" the guard started, but the Dilophosaurus spat ink at his face and he fell, screaming, as it pounced on him. We burst into the White House to see carnage everywhere. Were we too late?

Glancing around the entrance hallway, we slowly walked through the various rooms. Suddenly we saw Dick Cheney at the top of the stairs with a hunting rifle. "Dude, don't get near him. I'd rather take my chances with the dinosaurs outside than this guy with a gun," George told me. Suddenly a raptor came tearing down the hallway and tackled Cheney off the banister, eating him alive. We fired our weapons and killed the raptors, then heard someone call for help from the Oval Office. "Help! It's President Bush! Somebody help!" We ran towards the office...

We burst into the Oval Office to see... Barack Obama sitting at the desk petting a raptor? "Hello boys," Obama said, gesturing casually at the wounded Bush laying on the floor. "I hope you don't mind my dinosaur invasion, but I felt immediate action was needed to save this country and so I should become president now and not in two months." We just stared at him. Obama pointed at Bush. "Get him boy," he said to the raptor, which was larger than the others we'd seen. It ran forward and pounced on Bush, killing him. We staggered away as Obama chuckled at us. "Naturally I can't let you leave this place alive. You know too much." We stared at him for a moment before bolting out the door, Obama's mutant raptor in hot pursuit.

ACT 4

We hopped over the railing and out on to the lawn. The raptor followed us out but was distracted by the Dilophosaurus. We ran to the car just as the Rex came tearing onto the lawn. We peeled out into the street and heard military jets overheard. "Well good, they're here to help us out OH ****" A missile had exploded in the street near us. We swerved. Were the planes shooting at us? "It's Obama!" yelled George. "He wants us dead!" We drove into a heavily populated area, hoping that would stop the fighters. It didn't. Explosions appeared all around the street, killing dozens. We barely escaped into a side alley, the car badly damaged. "We need another ride," I said, spying an FBI truck nearby.

We got out of the car and saw an FBI agent outside his van examining his weapon. We smacked the agent upside the head, he fainted, and we climbed in. "Wait, we can't just leave that guy here, they'll eat him!" George said. "Eh, fine, I'll tie him up in the backseat," I said. We drove along for a while, trying to find a safe place from Obama's bombers. The FBI agent woke up and started screaming at us through his gag. "Come on man, quiet down, we just need to get away from D.C." George told him as we drove along. I turned in my seat. "Yeah man, we don't mean you any harm or anyBAM" Blood was everywhere. "Oh **** I accidentally shot the guy in the face like Pulp Fiction!" I yelled frantically. "Well **** it man, now the cops will wonder why there's blood everywhere on an FBI van!" We pulled over and hopped out. We were a sufficient distance from D.C. now and there didn't seem to be any dinosaurs. We started walking along the road when we saw the headlights of a car approaching. We started waving it down...

The car was a large semi, driven by a hippy looking man. We climbed in and thanked him for pulling over. He told us he heard about the attacks in D.C. and was actually on his way now to look for people who needed help, but we told him it was like a warzone and he should turn back. We drove away from D.C. for a few more hours when we finally reached an unfamiliar city. We got out and went to go pee. "Hey man, why are you standing so close?" I asked George. "I'm like five feet away, I can't even see anything" he responded. "Then stand six feet away. And what do you mean you can't see anything? You saying my **** is small or something?" "No way man," he responded. "Oh, so you've seen my **** and that's how you know it isn't small?" "No man, just saying that I assume it isn't small." "Oh, so you like to fantasize about the size of my ****?" He just sighed. We finished our pee and went back to the semi. The driver was nowhere in sight. Or at least he wasn't until his mangled body was thrown through the windshield. Five raptors were prowling around the town. They must have hitched a ride in someone else's car! The raptors turned and snorted at us menacingly.

We hopped in the semi and started backing up, but it accelerated very slowly. Finally I hit the gas and sped forward, ramming several raptors. I drove quickly through the town and back onto the highway. The dinosaurs were spreading! Suddenly I got a phone call. "Hey, this is Maria," the girl on the phone said. "Oh, Maria's my other sister," I said to George. "Your sister is dead so WHO WAS PHONE" screamed George next to me. "No no, she's my other non-raptor sister. She lived in Vegas but was coming home for Thanksgiving and got delayed. Uh, Maria, bad news. Our sister turned into a velociraptor and killed our parents and now there's a dinosaur invasion." "I know," she replied, sounding out of breath. "My plane crash landed near D.C. after some flying dinosaurs took it down. Only a few of us are left and we hear something roaring, you have to come help us!" I kicked the semi into gear and took off down the road. "George," I said, "there may be some hope for wincest yet."

ACT 5

"Okay, where are you?" I asked her over the phone. "Uh, we crashed somewhere in a field, I don't know..." Suddenly her phone just died. We drove faster, getting increasingly nervous. Suddenly we swerved to avoid...our old friend the T. Rex. The semi flipped from the sudden jerking movement and we climbed out hastily and ran into the night as the Rex investigated the vehicle. We moved through some long grass like idiots, even though we'd seen the Lost World and knew long grass was about the last place you wanted to be during a raptor invasion. Luckily, nothing attacked us. In the far distance we saw smoke and fire and figured it was the plane. We started heading toward it. Suddenly my phone rang again. "Where are you!" my sister yelled frantically, "everyone's getting...there's a...need..." Her phone was dying again. I just hung up and ran faster with George. Suddenly we heard a shaking noise. The Rex had spotted us and was running through the field straight towards us.

We bolted like hell towards the distant plane wreckage; maybe the fire would scare it off. Just as we arrived on the scene, we realized what roaring Maria had been referring to. The Spinosaurus hadn't died. We ducked into some wreckage as the Rex and Spino resumed their feud, smacking each other against the plane's pieces. "Maria! Maria! Where are you!" I yelled, bobbing and weaving through the forest of massive scaly legs. I saw her crouched with a man and women underneath a burning wing. She waved me over and I saw she had a large gash on her forehead. Me and George crouched underneath the wing with her. "I'm so glad you came," she yelled over the roaring of the beasts. "This is Carl and Stephanie, they're married and--" Before she could finish the sentence, the Spino's body fell through the wing, crushing the couple. "Correction: they were married," George chuckled. The Spino jumped up again and rushed the Rex. "I saw a shed nearby and I thought we could spend the night there" she told us. "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go!" I yelled.

We trekked across the field, and my sister was too tired to walk so I carried her the rest of the way. We settled in the shack and lay down. I tried to get the dirty thoughts out of my head, still in disbelief about the night's events. I fell asleep at some point and we all woke up again around 11AM the next morning. It was dark and stormy outside. We left the shack and saw the debris of the plane wreckage, the Spino and Rex nowhere in sight. We started limping toward the city, silent. At around 2PM we found an overturned tractor trailer and slept underneath it for a few hours. Soon it was dark outside, rain pouring. We trotted on. When we reached the city, it was like a ghost town. Not a person in sight. Suddenly we heard the snorting of the raptors. They were coming from all sides.

Me, George, and Maria backed against each other as the raptors walked closer. Suddenly Obama's mutant raptor pushed through the crowd to glare at us. The other raptors started snarling at the line-cutter, and a brawl broke out. We quickly ran into a bombed-out building and checked our weapons, then snuck out the back door onto a side street. In the distance, the White House was the only building relatively untouched from the madness, glowing pristinely in the storm amid the backdrop of destruction. We wandered down the street towards the White House with no particular plan in mind. Above us, two fighter jets swooped down, preparing to blow their payload at us. Suddenly, two pteradactyls soared overhead, shattering the plane windows and attacking the pilots. We ran by the destruction and approached the White House, preparing our weapons for the showdown sure to come.

ACT 6

We crept into the White House and saw Joe Biden mulling about. "Freeze *****!" I yelled. He turned to us with a grin. "Did you boys meet my pet Dilophosaurus?" he asked. Suddenly the beast appeared behind us. We started firing but it was fast, leaping on George. Maria managed to shoot it off of him and it lay dying. Biden fled to the next room. George followed him and shot him in the back. "Alright. Now let's find Obama and finish this" I growled.

We walked slowly up the hallway and arrived in the Oval Office once more. Obama was sitting calmly at his desk. "Come with us calmly Obama, and nobody gets hurt." Obama chuckled. "Of course, of course. Just one second." He reached into his desk. I realized he was reaching for a weapon a split second before he pulled a small cylinder from a drawer. Obama then activated a red lightsaber. "What, you didn't know I was a Sith Lord?" Obama asked with an evil grin. He waved the blade menacingly. And at that moment the two most epic people to possibly arrive burst through the window. Samuel L. Mother ****ing Jackson, purple lightsaber in hand, and Raptor Jesus, savior of the dinosaurs and wielding a green blade, approached Obama. Raptor Jesus laughed. "It's on, ****er!"

Samuel L. Jackson lunged at Obama and their sabers clashed. Raptor Jesus flipped across the room and engaged him in combat. The three battled around the office, slashing walls and pottery. Obama stepped back. "Two against one isn't fair." He then turned his lightsaber horizontally and extended a second blade. Raptor Jesus and Samuel L. Jackson backed up a bit, then ran forward, their blades a kaleidoscope of energy. Me, George, and Maria watched as the combatants cut a hole in the ceiling and climbed on to the rooft. Thunder and lightning split the sky as the battle continued. Somewhere, Duel of the Fates played.

Obama battled the two epics as they dueled around the rooftop. Suddenly Obama grinned and did a juke maneuver, catching Samuel L. Jackson off guard. He threw the lightsaber straight through him, and as it boomeranged back it hit George in the head. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" I screamed as I watched them fall to the ground with shocked expressions. Raptor Jesus lunged at Obama ferociously, cutting his double bladed saber in half. The fight continued...

Obama kicked Raptor Jesus across the rooftop. The reptilian savior hung on by his clawed fingertips. "This is it, my dinosaurian friend" he chuckled as he kicked the raptor's lightsaber off the roof. "You fought valiently. Now it is time to die." Raptor Jesus squinted his eyes and concentrated. Obama laughed harder. "Ready to go extinct like your brothers?" he said with a wicked grin. Suddenly, Raptor Jesus used the Dino-Force to lunge into the air, landing on the roof right in front of Obama. Before he could react, Raptor Jesus slashed him across the stomach. Obama gagged on his blood and stumbled forward, falling to his death.

Me and my sister ran forward and embraced each other warmly. She smelled delicious. "I want to thank you for saving me," she said with a sexy grin. I wrapped my arms around her and we drove back to our house. We stepped into the bedroom and sat down on the bed. Maria looked at me innocently. "I want to ask you something kind of embarassing," she said, blushing. I leaned forward with excitement.

We looked into each other's eyes for a moment. "I know this is going to sound wierd, and it's the most important question of my life," she said nervously. I was practically on top of her. "My question is...

Will you blend? That is the question." With great force she grabbed me and threw me in her Blend-Tec brand blender. "No! Maria! No!" I screamed as she hit the smoothie setting. I felt the sharp metal blades cutting my body. I saw her grinning at her new smoothie. One of the blades went straight toward my face and I had one last second to see my sister before everything went black.

THE END