GEORGE & RALPH

George & Ralph

“Which way do we go, Ralph?”
“Which way do we go, Ralph?”

I was getting sick and tired of standing here listening to George shout this question over and over.

I was tired, my legs hurt, my head was throbbing, my eyes were watering and, should the truth be known, I was completely and utterly scared to death.

Now George, poor George, he had no reason to be scared. George was (is) – shall we say – mentally challenged? Actually he is a complete idiot.

How he had managed to survive this long, only fate would know.

We were at a crossroads.

Well, not exactly a crossroads, because a crossroad insinuates two intersecting streets or roads. We were in a tunnel with a passage going to our left, one to our right, one straight ahead, another going up, and still another going straight down.

So, any way you looked at it, it was a crossroads - depending of course from which angle you looked at it.
We were trapped down here!
We were going to die down here!

George again!

The idiot!

The fool followed one of the inhabitants as it made its way down into the tunnels. There was as usual an ulterior motive. The worker had a large juicy piece of food in its grasp and George, the blooming idiot, would follow food anywhere.

I knew nothing at all about it until George beamed his mind speak at me and just about blew me off my comfortable bed of soft leaves.

He was terrified! He had been following tunnel after tunnel for hours and finally blundered into the big one.
I mean really big!

The main chamber of Her Royal Highness, the Queen herself-herself.

Now, after finally finding George, my legs were cramping, my mouth tasted dirty, my eyes watering from the acidic smell the inhabitants reeked of, and we were lost - thoroughly lost.

Not only lost, we were being pursued by a hundred angry inhabitants with one thing on their collective minds…

To kill and eat us!
Yes, you read it right - to eat us.

Oh my God!

The hair on my back stood on end, the saliva in my mouth dripped uncontrollably, and I could hardly feel the slimy walls with my claws.

“Which way do we go, Ralph?”

I gave him an angry look then focused my infrared sight down into each branching tunnel. I could see no light in the distance that might signify an entrance of any type.

“We go to the right, Ralph,” George told me, pressing his antenna against my head to speak without being heard.

I could tell he was still terrified because his antenna vibrated as it slid along my neck. “How do you know, idiot?” I replied. “They all look alike to me and my vision is better than yours.”

“Duh! It’s my radar, Ralph.” George said, spitting a large gob of green mucus onto the tunnel floor. “I can feel the wind blowing in that direction.”

The sound of angry inhabitants was getting closer. I could tell it was coming from at least two, possibly three directions. We had no time to debate the issue, we either acted or we died.

“Right it is!” I yelled, taking off as fast as my eight legs could carry me.

“Hurry up, Ralph!” George screamed in panic behind me, his voice vibrating through the tunnel. “They’re almost on my back legs.”

Suddenly, we shot into the cold night air. The feeling of freedom was overwhelmed by the delicious chill as it passed over my sweating body. George was hanging on to my left rear leg and there was no sign of our angry pursuers.

“Thanks Ralph!” George blurted, lying on a broad leaf with his huge grasshopper legs crossed, his gaze at the bright stars above.

“You’re welcome George,” I replied, a slight tone of anger still hovering in my voice. “Just remember George, grasshoppers and spiders do not belong in ant’s nest. They don’t like us, unless we’re on their dinner menu.”

“Way to go, Ralph!”
“Way to go, Ralph!”