Santa Psychoanalysis

“Doctor, your three o’clock appointment is here.”

“Thank you Helga. Please send him in.”

“Hello Doctor. Thank you for agreeing to see me on such short notice.”

“No problem Mr. Clause. I had a last minute cancellation.”

“Please call me Santa. Mr. Clause is my dad. Ho Ho Ho.”

“Okay then … Santa. Shall we get started?”

“Yes, of course, I know you are busy.”

“Well then Santa, why don’t you just have a seat over there and then you can tell me what’s on your mind.”

“Well … say Doctor, do you suppose that you could sit on my lap while we talk. It’s just that I’m more comfortable that way.”

“That is a little different from how I normally work with my patients but if helps you to relax, let’s give it a try.”

“Great! Now, up you go. There. Now what do you want for Christmas.”

“Santa, you came to see me about a problem, not to ask me what I want for Christmas.”

“Oh yeah. Ho Ho Ho. I guess some routines are hard to break.”

“So Santa, what’s on your mind?”

“Doctor, I think I may have picked up a bad habit or two over the years and I need help dealing with them.”

“Why don’t you tell me about just one of the habits you want help with?”

“Okay. About three years ago, I started getting a lot of orders for Tazers. As you might expect, we ended up with a lot of these strange things lying around the shop. One day just for fun, I tazered an elf.”

“You tazered an elf!?”

“Just for fun you understand. I wanted to see what all of the fuss was about. As it turns out, a tazered elf is just about the funniest thing you will ever see on God’s green earth.”

“I see. How do the elves feel about this?”

“They’re pretty pissed off I can tell you. Morale is low just when orders from kids are pouring in.”

“Have you tried quitting in the past?”

“What? You don’t understand. I don’t want to quit. I just want to stop feeling vaguely guilty about it.”

“Have you considered trying to cut back on the number of elves you tazer? How often do you do it now?”

“I suppose I zap two or three of the little buggers an hour, more or less.”

“Suppose you only tazer the ones that deserve it? Maybe that would reduce the guilt.”

“Nope, that won’t work. If they deserve it, then they will be expecting it. The best part of the whole deal is the look of surprise on their little faces as they dance the electric jig-a-boo.”

“Santa, this is going to take some work and I am afraid we are out of time.”

“Okay Doctor, here is a candy cane and I will see what I can do about those golf clubs you have been hinting to your wife about.”

“Thanks Santa. That would be just swell.”

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