What Hurts the Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me

         Blaise Zabini looked up as he entered the empty Great Hall. It was Christmas of sixth year and almost all the students were gone. It wasn’t snowing, like it should have been. No, it was raining. Figures. He thought. It just matched his mood. He didn’t know why he had stayed this year. There was no reason to stay, not anymore. But yet, he couldn’t bring himself to leave. As he was standing there, contemplating the irony of it all, she walked in.

        He knew it was her before he saw her. He recognized that same quiet, shuffling walk that he had gotten used to hearing in the halls. He turned around to face her. She gave him the same smile that she always did when they met – in the library or at one of Slughorn’s many parties. But he knew better now. That smile meant nothing. Her love was not for him. He felt a surge of emotion when he saw that smile, though, even though he knew it meant nothing. It was all wrong. She was in love with the Weasley kid; he could tell by the way that she acted around him. He should have seen it sooner.

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

         He surprised himself by realizing that his eyes were clouding over. No, he told himself firmly. Not here. Not with her here, watching me.

         “Good morning, Blaise.” She said quietly. He smiled down at her. Her beautiful face seemed clouded that morning. Blaise thought he knew why. The Weasley kid had been seen, again, snogging some other girl. If only she could give up on him. But no, she wouldn’t. She loved the Weasley. If only she felt the same way about him.

         “Good morning, Hermione.” He returned in his deep voice, hoping his voice betrayed none of the emotion he felt. It was all well and good to feel pain in the privacy of his own bed, but not when she was watching him.

         “Are you all right?” she asked, “You look rather sick. Are you okay?” Of course he wasn’t. He felt like taking her into his arms and kissing her. That would make him feel better. But no, she couldn’t know how he felt. It would be all wrong. He smiled wanly.

         “I’m fine.”

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been

         She smiled, nodded, and turned away just as Potter and Weasley walked in for breakfast. He turned away and sat alone at the other end of the table. He felt his throat constrict as he remembered... Slughorn’s latest get-together had been a few weeks ago. Blaise had been sitting next to her as Slughorn talked. He was so annoyingly proud. He remembered the few choice sarcastic comments that they had shared; and the surprised laugh that she had given when he had immitated Slughorn. He had never felt so high before than when she laughed.

And then, Slughorn announced the Christmas party as they were leaving. He tried to catch up with her to ask her to go with him. But, by the time he did, she was in the Great Hall with Potter and Weasley. And that was when it had hit him for the first time. She had to love the Weasley. The way she was angry at him all this time. He was going out with a girl in their class. It had to be jealousy that made her angry. He didn’t ask her, and it was all wrong. She had shown up with McLaggen, and then had dissappeared. What would have been different if he had had the courage to ask her? There was no way to know now.

And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

         He had asked her, several days later in the library, if she would help him with his transfiguration homework. He had wanted to say something that was worthwhile, something that would convince her that he was in love with her. But, she had shaken her head.

         “Why do you need my help? You’re quite good at it yourself.” She told him. He had been crushed. Why didn’t she see? She was a girl, after all. Weren’t girls just supposed to know. Why didn’t she know that he was trying to show her? It was all just so wrong….

         Just then, the other two Slytherins that were staying for Christmas strode in – Draco Malfoy and Astoria Greengrasss

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder

         Seeing them together was getting to the point of being too much. With the Golden Trio at one end of the table and Astoria and Draco at the other, Blaise was caught in the middle. He looked down the table and saw the Hermione laughing at Potter’s joke. He looked up the table to see the looks that Astoria and Draco were giving each other. It was getting sickening. He stood up, his chair falling backward with a thud. He didn’t even look at it as he strode from the hall. He couldn’t see everyone so happy and in love when he was there, broken and alone.

Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

         He strode to the Common Room to get changed into his muggle clothes. He was getting out. He couldn’t stay in this castle much longer. He walked out of the Common Room, slinging his bag over his shoulder. He didn’t know where he would go, but he knew that he just had to leave. He strode through the Entrance Hall, not watching where he was going. As he walked, he suddenly bumped into someone. He looked down. He had bumped into Hermione Granger, on her way out of the Great Hall.

         “Sorry.” He mumbled. She looked up at him, concerned.

         “That’s all right. My fault.” She returned. “Are you okay?” she asked, for the second time that morning. His tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth, suddenly dry. He gulped a few times.

         “Of – of course.” He stuttered. He almost told her; but, no he couldn’t. “Why do you ask?” he asked, in an unconcerned voice.

         “You look rather ill. And you left in such a hurry, I thought you might have left to, uh, be sick. But, you’re okay?” she asked. He gulped again, nodding. He didn’t trust himself to speak. He would let her go, he had to. “Where are you going?” she asked him. He shrugged.

         “Out.”

         “In the rain?” She asked, concerned. Dang. He had forgotten about that. Oh well, he couldn’t let this little complication get in the way. He was out of there.

         “Of course. I happen to like the rain. Don’t you?” he asked her, trying to sound full of nonchalance.

         “Yes. But not when it is this cold out.”

         “Well. Then, I will go out and come back. And then, I’ll get sick from the cold rain; and then, you can say ‘I told you so’.” He said.


What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away

         “All right.” She told him. “See you around.”

         “Yah. See you around, Granger.” He returned. That was what she had to become to him. Granger. Just another girl. That was what it should be. It seemed to Blaise that she suddenly looked just a little hurt. But no, he was just imagining it. Wasn’t he? She nodded a farewell, turned, and walked back into the Great Hall.

And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

         He would never know what it would be like to love her fully, and not in secret. He would not know what it would be like to feel her lips against his. He turned around and made himself walk out the door. He wondered if she would ever know that he loved her. He doubted it. He was so good at hiding his feelings, she would never have to know.

         As he walked out into the rain, he didn’t see her stop on her way, and look back. He didn’t see her pause, and watch as he walked into the rain. He didn’t see the tear that slowly crept down her face.

And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do…