Labryinthine

"I need you to sit up for this."

He was lying on one side of his bed with an oversized jacket on. It was brighter than it should have been for the mood he was in. I suppose an act of over compensation was more than in order. He sat up though, headphones in his ears that I somehow over looked. I knew he hadn't actually heard me and I was surprisingly displeased that he knew my request without knowing I had voiced it. He lifted his head and motioned towards the light switch.

"I need you to sit up and I need the light on, but I won't do it."

He looked confused but walked past me to the light switch and sent blidning flashes running at my eyes. I turned around to face him, assuming he wouldn't have moved from where he was. I found myself only inches away from him. I looked up at him and realized what I had done. He was not only confused but was waiting for an explanation. That, I did not have.

"Can I-"

He was going to pretend to lighten the mood. Ask a question I always did even if just in passing. The fact of the matter was that he couldn't help me but I would have loved for him to try. I placed my left hand to his lips as I took out his headphones with my right one. He was warm and I felt bad that I had gotten so close. That couldn't have been pleasant. I let my hand and my head fall simultaneously and it took everything in me to not just collapse into him. Take the easy way out. Let him think something was so wrong that I couldn't talk to him just yet. Let him hold me while I cried about what a fool I was.

"Whatever is wrong you know you don't have to say anything right now. You can say anything whenever you feel like you need to."

It was something I had expected but didn't actually want to hear. I couldn't even laugh at it, though I knew it was more than a joke.

"The funny part is though, that you know that's not true." I took two steps back and hoped he would stay where he was. "That's been the problem hasn't it? No one really likes to say what they mean or voice what they need to. It's easier to pretend like everything is working. I don't think anything needs to be fixed because nothing here is broken. I know I'm not alright and I know that you know that too. I'm not going to try to change that because I don't think I want to anymore." My face was warm and I could feel my fingertips tingling. I moved them to my pockets making sure I wouldn't cross my arms.

"You know, if you can say all of that then what could be so bad that you can't say?" He thought about moving forward but knew that I wanted him to keep his distance. I needed him to keep from touching me. I don't think he knew then that at every moment we were together I somehow needed him closer. Now though, I realized if he were to reach out I would leap towards him with no questions asked, but I would hate every moment of it. "Can you look at me please?"

I lifted my head and attempted to find his eyes. I caught the door behind him and focused on that, hoping he would at least notice the effort that had been made but before I spoke I somehow found my way to the floor again.

"I don't trust myself when it's just the two of us." It came out quick, sharp, almost painfully. I was frightened to look up and see his confusion, or even worse, his complete understanding. "I know that you would never allow anything to happen that shouldn't but I can no longer guarantee that I won't make a fool of myself." My curiosity got the best of me and I looked up. He didn't say anything, not with words nor with his face. That was a first I think. I had somehow managed to make him illegible. "With everything that's happening in my life I think that now I'd be willing to compromise my normalcies for something refreshing."

I was prepared to keep talking because at that point it was aimless and really I was only trying to decipher my point outloud. I was prepared until he reached out and ran his hand from my left shoulder down to my elbow. He cupped it in his hand and tightened his grip slightly. It was everything that I didn't need.

"You know that I love you."

I wish he would have let me finish. This was going to be as bad as I had expected. Maybe not as bad, but definitely as complicated.

"You're my best friend, my confidant, and I honestly I don't know what I would do without you."

"But, I know." I felt bad for interrupting him but I thought it made us even. I took out my right hand and removed his from my other arm. He sighed as though he had done something wrong. "I don't expect anything from you. In fact I expect you to stay my friend and to allow me to inform you that I am in fact going to make a fool of myself. I mean, I'm bound to right?" I had pulled my hands out of my pockets and was now using them as though I were telling an exciting story. "There are no expectations with you because I know that no matter what you're not going to judge me, if nothing else, you're simply going to accept me. It's not like that with everyone you know?" I looked up at him now and could tell that he almost felt sorry for me. Maybe he had expected all of this, or maybe he just hated that it was happening with the two of us. I noticed that he was closer than before and looked to the shelves to my right to try to figure out who had moved.

"I refuse to lose you as my friend."

Without knowing how I had ended up there I was now holding my hand to his cheek. It was me that had moved.

"If you were losing me it would be less complicated than this. I don't even really know if what I feel is what I've always felt with you. You just make me comfortable and I'm able to be myself without having to wonder if I'm too much. It's easy to be around you and I have somehow convinced myself that it would be easy to be with you but I know that you're not willing to change what we have now. The two of us are messy and shouldn't be permitted the priviledge of taking care of anyone else but I can't help what I've convinced myself of as of now."

He lifted his head some and took a deep breath in. On his way back to me his kissed my forehead. I sunk into him and found one hand on his chest and the other had fallen from his face to his collar. He was holding me as though he were afraid I might fall out of his arms. He steadied me with one hand on the small of my back and the other just below the back of my neck. We stood there for a while and I could feel the warmth of tears on my face. I am still unsure if they were from saddness or just from relief. I woke up next to him, with my head burried in his chest and his arms around me. The light was still on.

I slowly made my way down the hallway and through the back staircase. The large metal door screeched loudly, just as it always did, and I only hoped that he hadn't heard. Really, I knew he heard, I just hoped he wouldn't come after me. The parking lot was empty and I wondered what time it was. It was a Friday night, yes, but it must have been earlier than it felt. I skidded through the gravel, making half circles with my feet. The curb seemed like an eternity away. An eternity away if I was using him as a starting point.

"So."

He caught me off guard and I nearly burned myself on the cigarrette I had in my hand. I had been letting it burn between my frozen fingers. I was holding it, with tons of ash now on its end, between my glasses and my forehead. I tossed the ash and took a long drag before attempting conversation. He sat down next to me on the edge of the concrete closest to the driveway. It was dark and the closest streetlamp was a block and a half away. He took the cigarette from my hand, took a short drag and put it out on the street that lay between us.

"You really hate those you know?"

It was one of his after all and he was completely accurate. I hated them really but at the time it made some sense. I suppose I understood why he had them.

"You should be in bed."

"I was in bed. You left remember?"

He looked at me as though he thought I had actually forgotten. His eyes were still shimmering with sleep and I remembered that he had been fast asleep when I left.

"Well, that's because I was just in a bed, not actually in bed though." I put my hand on his knee in an attempt to reassure him that I was alright. "You should get some sleep though. At least one of us should be rested for tomorrow."

"You mean at least one of us should seem rested for tomorrow."

He tilted his head towards me and I melted.

"This is difficult enough you know?"

"Oh, come one. You know damn well that this isn't any easier for me. You were just the person who spoke first."

I admired his attempt to make it seem as though I were stonger than actuality. It was sweet of him, no matter how much he may have lied in his last statement. He took a drink from a can that I hadn't noticed he had before. There was a heavy sigh and he then had the can, mouth first, tilted towards me. I took it and swirled it around wondering how much he had already drank. It was nearly empty and I was angry at first. I was angry before I realized that much could have been gone simply from the drink that I witnessed. I drank the last of it, only because after a pause like that I had to. No one studies something like I had without the intention of drinking it right? I attempted to hand him the can back but thought it through and threw it towards the ditch across the narrow street instead.

"That was a bold move, even from you."

He smiled as though he were joking. He had no idea what anything meant with me. At that point though, I don't think anyone could have.