Grim Fairy Tale

Day 4 Prompt: Grimm Fairy Tales:

A Short Play :
Scene One:

Scene One: The interior of The Ogre’s hut in Dismal Swamp. Fiona is away with the kids, Shrek has asked Donkey over. Donkey is due to become a Papa for the second time.

Shrek: What are you doing there near the book-case, there's no grass for you to graze.

Donkey: Just browsin', just browsin'. Any light reading material?

Shrek: Come away before something hurts you.

(Donkey pulls out large book with Goblins and Elves dancing across the cover - gives it sideways look)

Donkey: What are these - Grimm Fairy Tales - c’mon Ogre, you’d be a natural to read this one; you’re already sorta grim looking.

Shrek: Donkey it is probably futile but let me explain the difference between a writer of fairy tales and a bleak mood.

Donkey: Huh?

Shrek: (sneering ) Exactly.

Donkey: (sings) “I’m going to be a father in the spring..” (to the tune of “I’m getting Married in the Morning”)

Donkey: ...Pull out the stopper, let’s have a whopper...

Shrek: Uh, Donkey, I don’t think your lyrics are exactly devoid of double meaning, this is an ‘E’ rated place.

Donkey: OK, let’s settle down and read a nice fairy tale, something seasonal.

Shrek: Once upon a time, long, long ago, in a Land far, far away...

Donkey: Why is it always long ago and far away?

Shrek: ‘Cos they don’t want a Smart Ass - in a literal paradox - to say “But I have been there or then and it wasn’t like that!” Try not to interrupt. (continues)

The Land was ruled wisely and well by the Queen and she was beloved of all.

Donkey: Umm..go on.

She was beautiful and learned and kind, and she had one arm made entirely of Gold.

Donkey: A Golden arm! For Fairyland's sake! (In an aside: Maybe it was a Golden Mitt?)

Shrek: She had a golden arm because she was King Midas’ daughter and although the rest of her became normal, one arm was left gold as reminder of his folly...

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Scene Two:

An opulent bedroom of the heir to the throne since five hundred years - Prince Ever-Ready.

Prince :(shouts) Geeves! Geeves! Oh, there you are...

Geeves: Yes, Sire

Prince: Get out our royal blue silk outfit, and our little hand kerchief... It never hurts to be ready for unaffected grief if Her Majesty...

Geeves: Yes Sire. Will it be the spotted Belcher or the crimson foulard?

Prince: The spotted one, I think, tears won’t show. Not that I’m counting on anything...

Geeves: Yes, Sire. As the bard says ‘into each life some rain must fall.’

Prince: Good one Geeves, which bard was that? I must slip him something...rain is good for the – um – crops.

Geeves: That would be the one they call Willy, Sire. He dances well, in the Country Dances at the Ball last year he used a lance for a partner; they nick-named him Shake-Spear.

Prince: Willy Shake-Spear, I see. You have drawn my bath, I hope? Now get me something to read while I have a good soak.

(Geeves hands him a book)

Geeves: Here you are Sire; it is the latest from Dame Agate-y-Crystal, one of the Lady Marble tales.

Prince: What would I do without you? I hope future generations of valet attendants shall be named after you.

(Exits left, just as sonorous peal sounds. The Prince re-enters, tying his bath-robe around him)

Prince: What is that infernal bell, it would ring - just when I am in the bath too!

Geeves : Send not to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.

Prince: Huh?

Geeves: ( wiping away tears.) The Queen is dead, long live the King!

Prince: Mother! Mother I did not look for this today!(wipes eyes with delicate flick of handkerchief)

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Scene Three:

The Throne room: Only the King and Geeves are seen. The candles flicker low, night having fallen.

Prince: Where is that fellow? Geeves? Geeves!

Geeves: (holding salver with goblet) I am here, Sire, with your nightly Put-me-down.

Prince: Don’t creep around me like that! Has that huntsman come back yet? He was recommended by my aunt once-removed on my father’s side, but I wonder...

Geeves: Wonder what, Sire?

Prince: After Snow-White’s wedding she went to pieces; it was an asylum to which she was removed.

(The huntsman comes rushing in, tired and dishevelled, carrying a large bundle wrapped in cloth.)

Prince: What took you so long fellow, couldn’t find a pig to diddle me with? Yes, I know of your collusion with Snow-white. But..(shrugs)

Geeves: But needs must, when the devil drives, eh, Sire?

Prince: Jolly Good, Geeves - your own?

Geeves: Actually yes, Sire; but that fellow Willy has appropriated it.

Prince: Unwrap that, fellow, you won’t bamboozle me. Good God, what a hack job!

Geeves: ( In a stage whisper) Precisely what I said to Willy, Sire.

Huntsman: I couln’t ‘elp it, my ‘unting knife is for flesh only, and I did ask that wood-cutter for ‘is haxe but ‘e was ‘unting this wolf ...( the lights dim) ‘Ere, what’s that?

(White figure hovers in wings...it moans softly.)

Shrek( as ‘voice over’) And the Prince thought it was his mother’s ghost,.

Prince: Mommy dear?

Mommy, speak to me.

Please Ma? Won’t you tell me what you want?

Shrek : (in sudden shout)

Give me back my AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMM!

Donkey: (Gives shriek of fright)Aaaaaaargh!

Shrek: HAHAHAHAHaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaa!

Donkey: What are you doing? I hope you’re happy you scared two years growth out of me. What a revolting tale.

Shrek: Just ROFL, old chap; just ROFL. From the look of it, your tail might be the more revolting one, right now. Do go and wash..

Donkey: That swamp is too cold! Besides, I had a wash just two weeks back.

Shrek: Last one at the Inn has to buy a round of Bitter-beer!

(Donkey trots off happily, followed by Shrek .)

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(978 Words)