A Letter to My Father

I am not writing to forgive you.
Forgiveness is not in my nature
and I have heard it is not in yours.
They say my stubbornness comes from you
like my gray eyes and my long fingers
And when they think I am not listening
they say that I will be just like you.

She told me you went west
leaving her for dreams you never could reconcile
your eyes full of stars you never could blink away.
She said she never could be big enough
to fill that hole you felt.
And she ached with the effort of trying.

You wanted to be a father, you told her.
And you are.
You loved the name Meghan, you told her.
But waiting was never your heart’s strength
and that hole ate away inside you
until you ran.

I am not writing to forgive you.
I am writing to tell you
She named me Rebecca.