With You Always

Chapter I


         Joshua watched silently as the funeral procession passed slowly beneath his feet.  Invisible tears leaked down his cheeks and he decided to go in closer to watch.  The black hearse holding the casket drove by slowly, followed by a long train of other cars.  Police on motorcycles rode at the head and rear of the procession.  Their lights cast oddly shaped and colored shadows in the half light of morning, but the sound came to him as if from far away.  Everything seemed strangely muted.
         He followed the cars and walked among the crowds of people coming to the funeral.  He saw his mother, her bottom lip trembling and tears streaming down her face.  He wanted to apologize to her, to tell her he loved her and would miss her.  He remembered the last thing he had said before his death, and it hadn’t been pretty.
         His father circled one of his arms around her shoulders and held her close, whispering to her softly, trying to comfort her.  His girlfriend, Julie, followed a few steps behind them with her family.  Sobs broke from her lips spasmodically.  She had wept herself dry the night before, he should know, he had been there with her.
         The crowd gathered in front of a priest in black robes.  They waited as four large men carried the casket to the large, marble table and sat it down.  Between her sobs, his girlfriend asked something.  The priest looked at her sympathetically and nodded.  One of the big men stepped over and opened the casket.
         His body lay peacefully in the coffin, arms folded across his chest.  He looked as if he was only sleeping.  Joshua wished that he could just wake up, that he could sit up in his coffin and be all right. 
         Julie walked up to his coffin and leaned against it, staring at his body.  She reached out and stroked his cheek softly. 
Joshua reached up and touched his cheek.  He had felt that touch often enough to know what he should have been feeling at that moment.  He would never feel that again.  He would miss that touch nearly as much as everything else, that touch that had comforted him when he cried, that had gotten him through so many rough times in his life.
A sob broke from Julie’s lips, and her breathing quickened as she stared at his lifeless body.  She closed her eyes and collapsed against the coffin, her mouth open in what Joshua could only think was a wail of despair.  He could only imagine the sound, but that was enough to tear his nonexistent heart apart.
He moved over to her and reached out to touch her on the shoulder.  She straightened suddenly and looked around.  The whites around her deeply hazel eyes were red, as were her cheeks.  He knew she couldn’t feel his touch, but he ran his fingers down her cheek anyway.  She stared right at him, or maybe it was through him.  She couldn’t see him, but maybe she could sense him.  Joshua let out a painful wail of his own.  He desperately wished he could tell her he loved her just one more time, hold her hand just once more, feel her head against his shoulder again.
He moved away, too pained to be near her.  Her body sagged as she realized he wasn’t there, that he couldn’t possibly be there.  The pain he saw in her eyes would have been enough to kill him all over again.
Joshua could no longer bear to be at his own funeral.  He ran.  He ran as fast as he could.  No body looked at him on the streets.  No body noticed when he passed right through them.  No body.
         He collapsed to the ground, crying uncontrollably.  A vast emptiness seemed to open up inside of him.  It was the part of his heart that Julie had occupied.  To him, he sat there for hours, but it could have just as easily been seconds, minutes, or even years.  Time meant nothing to the dead.
He stood up and began walking.  He just walked right through people, walls, and anything else that stood in his way.  Before he knew it, he had passed through the door to Julie’s room in her house.  It was dark.  She had already fallen asleep.  Joshua stared at her for a long moment.  She tossed and turned under her blankets.  Her dreams were open to him, he could see what they were if he wished, but he had an idea of what they might be about.  He touched her softly on the forehead and she calmed.  He took the nightmares away from her and left her with only good memories of the two of them.  A small smile spread across her face as she dreamt.  He kissed her forehead and whispered, “Sweet dreams,” then settled himself back into a chair and waited.  He would be there for her, until she no longer needed him.  That was why he was still in this world, because he had died before his time was up.  He was still needed in this world.


Chapter II


         She woke rested and energetic.  She threw off her blanket and slipped over the side of her bed.  She paused.  She just couldn’t shake the feeling that Joshua was there with her. 
         She remembered the nightmares she had been having that night.  They were all of Joshua, of his sacrifice for her.  But suddenly, they had disappeared; to be replaced by warm, loving dreams of the two of them.  No matter how she looked at it, she knew Joshua was looking out for her.
         She shook her head and showered and dressed for school.  The thought of Joshua’s death overwhelmed the happiness she had first felt at thinking he was there for her; her own guardian angel.  Her family was just downstairs, her neighbors just next door, but she still felt alone.  Joshua had been part of her.  She just couldn’t imagine living without his strong presence at her side.
         She walked slowly down the stairs of her house and into the kitchen.  She sat at the table and ate breakfast alone.  Her family gave her the space she wanted.
         School was close to her house, so instead of asking for a ride, she walked.  The crisp morning air against her face felt refreshing and seemed to wash away a little of her depression.  But not even the sight of the beautiful blue ocean with the sun just barely clearing the horizon off to her right could take it away completely.  Only Joshua could do that, and unless his body would wake up right now and dig his way out of the coffin, that was never going to happen.
         Suddenly, she couldn’t take it any longer.  She turned around, searching for whoever must be following her, because she sensed that someone was.  There was no one there.  She collapsed on the ground and began to cry into her hands, her whole body trembling.  She wanted Joshua back; she needed him back.
         
         Joshua watched as Julie turned around, searching for him.  Somehow, she knew he was there.  After searching for him, she collapsed and began to cry.  Joshua’s heart ached for her.  He wanted her well, and if that meant she forgot him, he could “live” with that.
         So he knelt down next to her, and waited.  Soon, she looked up; just to make sure no one was there.  He took this chance to brush the tip of his fingers across her cheek.  At once, she started to look better, her eyes cleared a little bit and the tears stopped running down her face.  He placed his hand on the side of her face and let warmth flow into her.  He let her know that he was there, watching out for her, making sure nothing bad happened.  Her guardian angel without wings.
         
         Unexplainably, Julie felt her tears stop, and a large part of her sadness receded.  She didn’t understand why, but she could almost feel Joshua’s hand on her cheek, comforting her.  At that moment, she knew.  She knew for a fact that he was there.  He would never leave her, especially in such a way that it would leave her heart destroyed.  No, he was still with her somehow, still in this world, and he would make sure nothing bad ever happened.


Chapter III


         Julie picked herself up and walked the rest of the way to school, her spirits bolstered a little by her earlier premonition.  Tears still occasionally leaked from her eyes as the pain of losing Joshua assaulted her anew.  But always, as the onset of new tears overwhelmed her, warmth spread through her body.  It reminded her of the way she used to feel when Joshua would hold her tight and let her cry on his shoulder.
         
         Before she knew it, she was at school.  She had been so lost in her thoughts and pain that she had hardly noticed where she had been going. 
         She as greeted by pitiful looks from those that kind of knew her, comforting words from those that were her acquaintances, and long hugs from her best of friends.  Everyone in the school knew of Joshua’s death.  Everyone had loved him: the person that brought a smile upon your face when you were sad, the person that made everything seem better with one of his loud, cheerful laughs.  He put everyone at ease just by being there.  His presence had been a comfort to everyone, and now, like a blanket stripped off in the middle of a cold night, he was gone.          
         Moments of silence were dedicated to him in every class.  The teachers left Julie to herself, not demanding any work from her, leaving her to her thoughts if she so wished it.  And she did.
         Though ridiculous it may seem; her mind was riveted on Joshua’s presence.  She tried to explain it away rationally; that he had been there for so long that it was just hard to imagine that he no longer would be; that she was just in mourning and it would pass.  But she knew the truth.  Joshua had always believed in an after life, and, if there were a God, then he would surely grant Joshua access.  A lie had never passed his lips, and a harsh deed he had never done.  But Joshua was just the type of person to pass up heaven to look after her.  She could imagine him doing it.  It brought a small laugh and a smile from her to think of Joshua standing before a large and imposing God sitting on a golden throne, refusing to enter through the pearly gates.  And then, a fresh set of tears.  How much more could she cry until she was dried up and hollow?  She would never have thought she had so many tears to cry.
         
         The days dragged on, turning to weeks, which turned into months, and then into years.  And the whole time, Julie never once looked at another guy the way she had looked at Joshua.  Perhaps this was because she was happy.  She was happy because, even though Joshua was dead, he was there with her. 
         She slept with him at her side, as she drove down the street, he sat in the passenger seat, when she cried, he laid his hand over hers and gave her his strength, but the one thing that made her the happiest was when she was on the brink of sleep, he would whisper to her “I’m always with you.”