Tummy is growling but no appetite

Have you ever been cold inside and out and no matter how many layers of clothes or blankets you pile on, you're still frozen?
That's how I feel right now.
My boyfriend left for work and did not sign off his email. Me, being the curious cat, looks around. Everything looks the same. The same as in the same. I found some stuff... You remember when I said I might be going crazy? Well I'm not. I found the two pics of that bitch in lingerie in the trash file. Hmm... First time I caught him lying. He had denied there being six pics. Obviously just a little slip of the mind.

He has a passwords file with all his passwords on there. I try them each out on myspace. Success. When I get on there, I go through each chick's profile on his friends list including his exes.

Let me ask a few questions. Does anyone get 'bothered' when their boyfriend comments on ex's pictures about her tits and about how she's holding a pole? I sure a shit do. I get very bothered. However, this time, I'm just sad...and cold. I'm wearing a tank top under a t-shirt under a man's sweater. His sweater.

Is it ok for a guy in a relationship to put that they are single and interested in serious relationships, dating, friends? His reason for doing that was that he didn't like putting his business out there for people to see. My logical mind understands that but my heart is crying. My ex did the same thing and he had a prior girlfriend. I had beent he side deal.

Last night, me and my man had an argument and then make up sex. It wasn't really an argument. More like him scolding me and me sitting there silent. I tried though. I did say some stuff. Here's how it went down at least from my POV. We got home from me picking him up from work and he got on the computer. I went off to doing something but when I came back, he was on my email. I had sent an email to the dude that runs his fellowship site asking him to delete my comment and I added some stuff about how the person it was for doesn't want to seem to acknowledge who it was from. He got mad over that and talked about how I jumped to conclusions too fast and how dumb I was for being that way. I had been sitting there when he had denied knowledge of my identity. He said that he had acknowledge me. Maybe my ears are getting warped or something.

We had been planning on going running but right then, I didn't feel like running anymore. All I wanted to do was clean. So I went and got changed, taking off my running shoes too. I started organizing the DVDs in our bedroom and then I stacked my yarn up. I folded my blanket and straightened my pillows. Then he came in and attacked me. He started spanking me, trying to play with me and make me laugh.

He held me tightly and told me. "Baby, I don't tell you that I love you and that you're beautiful all the time but you know how I feel. Don't be jealous. Don't be moody and weird. Come running with me."

I can't help but feel the way I feel.

I found some other stuff that hurt me too. Comments on other chicks' pictures about how beautiful they were. Beautiful.

Its so funny how a word so special can turn out to be so ill- and over-used.

You know what was a stab in my heart? You know that heart things () that people put on comments and such to show their emotion and the affection? He has his on this one chick's. She's a forty one year old woman. Doesn't look spectacular but looks aren't what men really like. Or so they say. Maybe I'm listening to the wrong people. And he put down: Love the Mattster. Love. Love. LOVE!!! Sure he
comments on my page but he NEVER put down the word LOVE on my pictures.

You know what? I just checked my myspace pictures and he hasn't commented on any of them. Any at all...Well one because it was a pic of him and he didn't like it. He told me to remove it.

What is going on?
I'm tired of this. I'm gonna go check his email so more and his myspace and make some cereal so I can go take a walk. I'm sick of finding shit that isn't supposed to be there.

I'm gonna ask him some questions tonight. Innocent questions and then hard questions. Mainly I'm gonna ask him one simple question.

What's going on?