Monologue of the Suicidal

Monologue of the Suicidal



I often wonder what it would be like to close my eyes and see only darkness. Darkness instead of the images that go through my head every single time I close my eyes. I see the faces of the people that I have disappointed over the course of my life. Flashes of faces that once held loving smiles but now, because of me, they are writhing in agony. How did I let this happen? How did I disappoint so many?

If I could manage to see only darkness, what joy that would bring. I wonder what it would be like to stay there in the darkness. Just drift peacefully away surrounded by the darkness that I crave. No more disappointment in the faces of the people that I love. Not disappointment now, relief would color their faces. Relief because they would no longer have to feel the pain of my failure. I would no longer have to make them suffer and they would no longer have to pretend that I mattered. They could be happy, finally free of me and the disgrace that I have become.

I would forever drift in a sea of darkness, alone, if I could make them free of me.  So I say this to you, my beloved ones know that the journey that I go on now is one that I do not take lightly. I choose to walk into this abyss, so that you may live you lives without me holding you back. Go. Be happy. Don’t think of me, for I am getting what I want as well. I get to be empty, void of all emotion, alone to simply drift through the darkness. Finally free of everything that causes me to suffer silently.

No longer bound by the chains of having to pretend to be someone that I am obviously not. I would apologize for all that I have done, but I was doing the best that I could with what I had to work with, although it was not enough to make any of you happy, never enough to make any of you happy.

So now as the darkness starts to envelope me, I say thank you for holding on as long as you did, your sentiment was not lost on me, please know that.

Oh, it is so peaceful here in the darkness . . . Goodbye my friends, I love you